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3.53 AVERAGE
3.53 AVERAGE
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
informative
reflective
fast-paced
funny
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
Great exploration about the unacknowledged labour many women, especially mothers, are expected to bear. She started to lose me when laying out her way of separating responsibilities and tasks between partners. As a young married couple who doesn’t have kids yet, I found myself wanting more of a shared approach to responsibilities and tasks. I understand why she doesn’t believe that can work, because the “default parent” will inevitably end up picking up the slack. However, I would have appreciated suggestions about how to start implementing the system in a more personalized way that leaves room for more collaboration.
informative
fast-paced
informative
lighthearted
reflective
fast-paced
To start, I am a working mom and the default parent in my family. I hold almost all of the cards when it comes to raising my kids. However, it was a bit challenging for me to get through the beginning of the book because my kids are older, and I don't need to or want to listen to the struggles of raising young kids again. Regardless of this, I am really drawn to the concept of the book. I was first introduced to the method outside of the book, and I really enjoyed the idea of having a practical way to visualize the work involved in various tasks.
As for my husband, I felt a little guilty about asking him to read the book with me. If I had wanted to avoid doing extra work of overcoming the, at times, overwhelmingly negative portrayal of men, I probably wouldn't have suggested that he read it. However, he's committed to it now and we're both excited to try playing the game.
I will admit that I found the beginning chapters a bit challenging to get through because they portray women in a particular way that is limiting and not entirely accurate. I don't agree with the suggestion that men are deliberately malicious in their behavior, whereas women are simply influenced by societal and cultural expectations. We all act within these roles for different reasons, and it's not fair to categorize men in such a negative way. All in all, I think the book has a lot of potential and I'm excited to see how the method works for our family.
As for my husband, I felt a little guilty about asking him to read the book with me. If I had wanted to avoid doing extra work of overcoming the, at times, overwhelmingly negative portrayal of men, I probably wouldn't have suggested that he read it. However, he's committed to it now and we're both excited to try playing the game.
I will admit that I found the beginning chapters a bit challenging to get through because they portray women in a particular way that is limiting and not entirely accurate. I don't agree with the suggestion that men are deliberately malicious in their behavior, whereas women are simply influenced by societal and cultural expectations. We all act within these roles for different reasons, and it's not fair to categorize men in such a negative way. All in all, I think the book has a lot of potential and I'm excited to see how the method works for our family.
informative
fast-paced
Definitely written from a very 2010’s Gen X/Elder millennial perspective as I don’t know any of my friends’ partners who do as little as all the husbands in this book. But the system could still be helpful for overall household management, especially with kids!
slow-paced
The author describes the problem robustly, but her solution appears more convoluted amidst anecdotal evidence and significant repetition. It feels like she spends more time trying to sell readers on her system than explaining how to actually “play” the game, which I’m still unclear of exactly how to facilitate. It’s much more of a (lengthy) weekly conversation starter than a game per se.
More than halfway through, you finally get to the “game” of weekly dealing 100 cards (or fewer, you decide what’s included, varying from money manager to kids hard questions to weekday lunches). You don’t have to deal all 100, and can create your own, but also no used cards can go undealt, and are to be redealt each week. Some are more rare like “magical being (kids),” “memories & photos,” and “estate planning & life insurance” - unclear how you decide which weeks to deal them or not. The cards span from daily grind to relational, parenting & long-term items.
Liked:
More than halfway through, you finally get to the “game” of weekly dealing 100 cards (or fewer, you decide what’s included, varying from money manager to kids hard questions to weekday lunches). You don’t have to deal all 100, and can create your own, but also no used cards can go undealt, and are to be redealt each week. Some are more rare like “magical being (kids),” “memories & photos,” and “estate planning & life insurance” - unclear how you decide which weeks to deal them or not. The cards span from daily grind to relational, parenting & long-term items.
Liked:
- All time is created equal; no one’s time is more valuable than anyone else’s (including paid/unpaid)
- No one should be the “default” (or she-fault) parent for any particular card, or saddled with it forever (esp. the 30 daily grind tasks)
- Equitable division of labor doesn’t necessarily mean 50/50; it’s not about score-keeping but partnership
- Emphasis on CPE (conceive, plan, execute) & full ownership of a task, rather than splitting things halfway & ball dropped from miscommunication
- Acknowledges the labor of mental load (eg. volunteering to take a kid to a birthday party isn’t necessarily that helpful unless you take over ALL aspects of the task: gift buying/wrapping, getting kid ready, follow-up, etc.)
- Both parties need the trifecta: Adult Friendships, Self Care, Unicorn Space - which are split equally for time, unlike other tasks, and vital for personal/relational satisfaction (unicorn space = who are you outside of being a partner/parent?)
- “When emotion is high, cognition is low.” Save your feedback for when your partner can hear you, not in the moment.
Disliked:
- System doesn’t seem to take into account various weights of cards (eg. againg/ailing parent is a card, just like weekend dinners is a card) or account for continuity on long-term items? Seems like the goal is to regularly mix it up, but how do you avoid someone being the “default” while taking into account personal strengths? I can see this work for daily grind items but not necessarily big picture items (eg. “Moving” as a singular card)
- Extensive acronyms for basic concepts (eg. MSC - minimum standard of care)
- Corporate management jargon which feels overly rigid/out of place in a book about home life
- Extremely type A and granular throughout - overly explanative to the point of exhaustive
- Leans heavily on anecdotal/qualitative evidence rather than quantitative
- Discourages asking your spouse for help, esp. at the 11th hour (but can ask a friend) to avoid resentment - you are responsible for full CPE unless you “redeal” the card (fully handoff and communicate all aspects) to your partner ahead of time
- “Unicorn Space” term (lol) must be shared with others, otherwise it’s just self-care; create goals to avoid spouse resentment (?) and sense of accomplishment/fulfillment - should be goal-oriented, even in this part of your life, for greater life satisfaction (again, anecdotal/qualitative data)
- Children aren’t involved in household tasks at all
- General negative tone, would’ve appreciated more grace given to spouses… despite the author stating full CPE avoids the blame game, it feels like it could still lend itself to that
- Individualistic partnership mentality rather than a household/one-unit mindset
If you’re extremely type A or want to approach your relationship/marriage/division of labor like a corporate project manager, this book might be for you. I liked the concept & some ideas, but liked it less so the more the rules were explained (particularly rules that emphasize singular ownership over teamwork). Perhaps I’d feel differently in the thick of the “daily grinds” she’s describing, or if I created my own cards that are very different from the examples she gives. For a type B person, this feels too rigid and overly granular for daily life (and fatiguing), though I will take some of the ideas with me.
Some card examples: Dental kids, Death, Cleaning, Civic Engagement & Cultural Enrichment, Discipline & Screen Time, Extended Family, First Year of Infant’s Life, Fun & Playing kids, Garbage, Gestures of love kids, Groceries, Health Insurance, Holiday Cards, Holidays, Home Renovation, Moving, Home Purchase/Rental/Mortgage & Insurance, Job Loss & Money Problems, Laundry, Mail, Morning Routine kids, Returns & store credit, School breaks, Spiritulaity, Transportation kids, Marriage & Romance, Values & Good Deeds kids, Couple Social Plans.
informative
reflective
fast-paced
adventurous
challenging
informative
medium-paced