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kimball_hansen's review against another edition
4.0
Great parenting book! I liked that the author suggested unconventional methods like having a kid dropout of high school or college to figure things out instead of just trying to make them finish "in time". All the quick stories at the end were great. A nice one-two punch and you're backed up on the ropes waiting for the final blow. Remember Jana? Plus he recommends [b:The Dirty Life: On Farming, Food, and Love|7841677|The Dirty Life On Farming, Food, and Love|Kristin Kimball|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1277929135l/7841677._SY75_.jpg|10935145] book - my future farm.
Notes:
A low sense of control can be the most stressful thing ever. That's why sitting in a traffic jam makes everyone mad. You can't do anything about it.
Agency may be the most important factor in human happiness and well being.
Kids feel powerless most of their young lives.
14 year olds make just as good of decisions as 18 and 21 year olds. Even half of all 9 year olds make just as good of decisions.
Ask Dr Phil's question: "How'd that work for you?" when discussing ways to make better decisions next time about your child's public drunkenness. A child doesn't have to receive a negative consequence for every misbehavior, in order to learn which behaviors work well in this world. When it comes to discipline nothing works every time.
Most events that are cataclysmic in your eyes are nothing more than a ripple.
Envisioning the worst case scenario and letting it play out can be quite calming, ironically.
A parent's primary responsibility is to love and support the child, not to protect them from pain. "Don't carpet the world when you can wear slippers." This applies to stupid Coronavirus and all you suckers out there. (Note, if a robot is reading this in the future and all humans are dead then you've won.)
3rd person self talk is much more powerful than 1st person self talk. Refer to yourself by name. "Come on Kimball, you can do it!"
One of the most common mental habits that make us feel out of control is catastrophizing - or making a mountain out of mole hill. Jana, your kids turned out well. Time to rest.
4 things that make life stressful: Novelty, unpredictability, threat to the ego, sense of control (or lack thereof). This is NUTS. I'd say this also makes life meaningful and good.
Ask your child, "What do you love to do? What do you think you're better at than other people?"
Second Reading
Oops, I didn't realize I had read this already.
Notes Again
What makes life stressful is the acronym that's. N equals novelty U equals unpredictability T equals threat to the ego and S equals your sense of control.
A good way to get a child to eat their vegetables is too divided in half and let them choose which half they want to eat.
Stress takes your prefrontal cortex offline. Which means you're more likely to act impulsively and make dumb decisions.
Say to your kids, "I love you too much to fight with you about your homework."
Practice asking who is responsible for this instead of who's problem is this?
The Self Determination Theory. Humans have three basic needs: a sense of autonomy, a sense of competence, and a sense of relatedness. Autonomy is the most important of the three for developing internal motivation. The best way to motivate a child or an adult is to support their sense of control (for example, add the phrase, "if you want" when giving suggestions). Give them as much control over their choices as possible. Competence is about feeling that we can handle something more than simply being great at it. It's an internal barometer of accomplishment. A child or person feels relatedness when they feel connected to someone.
A student's sense of control lowers with every year they attend school. I don't think that's totally true.
Being a standout in a lesser know school, is better than getting lost in a better school with tons of students.
Develop the brain you want for the rest of your life. Do you want a brain that is worn out, stressed, or lazy?
The "life pyramid" has sleep at the base.
Have the child teach what they know to someone else. This will increase their self-esteem.
Low dopamine levels are corelated with less motivation to do things.
Notes:
A low sense of control can be the most stressful thing ever. That's why sitting in a traffic jam makes everyone mad. You can't do anything about it.
Agency may be the most important factor in human happiness and well being.
Kids feel powerless most of their young lives.
14 year olds make just as good of decisions as 18 and 21 year olds. Even half of all 9 year olds make just as good of decisions.
Ask Dr Phil's question: "How'd that work for you?" when discussing ways to make better decisions next time about your child's public drunkenness. A child doesn't have to receive a negative consequence for every misbehavior, in order to learn which behaviors work well in this world. When it comes to discipline nothing works every time.
Most events that are cataclysmic in your eyes are nothing more than a ripple.
Envisioning the worst case scenario and letting it play out can be quite calming, ironically.
A parent's primary responsibility is to love and support the child, not to protect them from pain. "Don't carpet the world when you can wear slippers." This applies to stupid Coronavirus and all you suckers out there. (Note, if a robot is reading this in the future and all humans are dead then you've won.)
3rd person self talk is much more powerful than 1st person self talk. Refer to yourself by name. "Come on Kimball, you can do it!"
One of the most common mental habits that make us feel out of control is catastrophizing - or making a mountain out of mole hill. Jana, your kids turned out well. Time to rest.
4 things that make life stressful: Novelty, unpredictability, threat to the ego, sense of control (or lack thereof). This is NUTS. I'd say this also makes life meaningful and good.
Ask your child, "What do you love to do? What do you think you're better at than other people?"
Second Reading
Oops, I didn't realize I had read this already.
Notes Again
What makes life stressful is the acronym that's. N equals novelty U equals unpredictability T equals threat to the ego and S equals your sense of control.
A good way to get a child to eat their vegetables is too divided in half and let them choose which half they want to eat.
Stress takes your prefrontal cortex offline. Which means you're more likely to act impulsively and make dumb decisions.
Say to your kids, "I love you too much to fight with you about your homework."
Practice asking who is responsible for this instead of who's problem is this?
The Self Determination Theory. Humans have three basic needs: a sense of autonomy, a sense of competence, and a sense of relatedness. Autonomy is the most important of the three for developing internal motivation. The best way to motivate a child or an adult is to support their sense of control (for example, add the phrase, "if you want" when giving suggestions). Give them as much control over their choices as possible. Competence is about feeling that we can handle something more than simply being great at it. It's an internal barometer of accomplishment. A child or person feels relatedness when they feel connected to someone.
A student's sense of control lowers with every year they attend school. I don't think that's totally true.
Being a standout in a lesser know school, is better than getting lost in a better school with tons of students.
Develop the brain you want for the rest of your life. Do you want a brain that is worn out, stressed, or lazy?
The "life pyramid" has sleep at the base.
Have the child teach what they know to someone else. This will increase their self-esteem.
Low dopamine levels are corelated with less motivation to do things.
thebrianikeda's review against another edition
5.0
Answer the following two questions to determine if you should read this book:
1. Have you ever said, "I would never let my kid do the [legal] things I was allowed to do as a kid!"
2. Is watching your kid fail painful and uncomfortable?
If you answered "yes" to either question, you would get a lot from this book.
ORIGINAL REVIEW:
The best parenting books focus on how the parent needs to change, and this book falls into that category. A great reminder that the freedom to make ones choices is essential to development and success as traditional academics. My generation likes to joke about how unsupervised we were in our play, but I didn't realize how formative that was to my sense of self and capability until I read this book. A highly recommended read. A lot of the book will focus on older kids, but I wouldn't dissuade parents of younger child to go ahead and read it now.
1. Have you ever said, "I would never let my kid do the [legal] things I was allowed to do as a kid!"
2. Is watching your kid fail painful and uncomfortable?
If you answered "yes" to either question, you would get a lot from this book.
ORIGINAL REVIEW:
The best parenting books focus on how the parent needs to change, and this book falls into that category. A great reminder that the freedom to make ones choices is essential to development and success as traditional academics. My generation likes to joke about how unsupervised we were in our play, but I didn't realize how formative that was to my sense of self and capability until I read this book. A highly recommended read. A lot of the book will focus on older kids, but I wouldn't dissuade parents of younger child to go ahead and read it now.
anxiousyogi24's review against another edition
5.0
I subscribe to all of this advice, it was nice to read a well written validation of my instincts. This is a must read for anyone stressed out about their kids. Our instincts are often to hold on tighter when really we need to let go.
twhittie's review against another edition
4.0
This book had great insights. I’ll use a lot of the suggestions to help my daughter feel like she has more control of her schedule while also helping her thrive. I skimmed the last few chapters as they don’t pertain to our lives right now, but I could see myself referring back to this book in the future.
mthorley23's review against another edition
5.0
Wish I had read this sooner so I could apply the concepts sooner.
mikaelad's review against another edition
4.0
An amazingly insightful book, but a bit like a firehose when it comes to all the information shared. I wish I’d taken notes to help me remember! Might need to get a hard copy I can mark up.