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376 reviews for:
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World
Alan Downs
3.77 AVERAGE
376 reviews for:
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World
Alan Downs
3.77 AVERAGE
A great read for any gay man. Downs delves into the psychology of shame and how it uniquely impacts us as gay men growing up in a straight world. You'll find yourself nodding along to most of his conclusions, shaking your head at some, but ultimately recognizing the truth of his inferences throughout our community. This book won't give you answers, but hopefully it'll help you better understand yourself and your community.
hopeful
reflective
sad
fast-paced
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
fast-paced
informative
reflective
medium-paced
I didn’t relate to much of it, but of course it’s almost impossible to write to every gay man’s experience. I took good nuggets of knowledge where applicable. I wish the author delved more into the clinical side of the “why” instead of mostly relying on anecdotes, but I understand the anecdotes also served its purpose to substantiate the claims.
"We are men in a world where men are emotionally disabled by our masculine cultural ideals. And we are men who threaten those ideals by loving another man at a time in life when we are neither equipped for the ravishes of love or the torment of shame."
Downs hit a lot of nerves with this book. His simple (quite possibly simplistic) descriptions of the stages of gay men's emotional development are relatable and well explained. It feels good to see someone has understood the topic well enough to verbalise and summarise it so simply. From being overwhelmed by the shame of growing up different to overcompensating that shame, and finally seeking radical authenticity and meaning: I can definitely pin these stages to my life and that of other gay men I know. Many golden nuggets in there.
I enjoyed reading Downs' synthesis and took a lot of notes. In addition to a comprehensive synthesis based on concepts from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, the author provides a list of possible actions one can take to achieve a more authentic existence. While these were quite general and could apply to anybody (not just gay men), I think they can be very useful, particularly for the emotionally younger reader.
However (and that's a pretty big however) two issues bothered me as I was reading this. First, his many references to extremely wealthy, fabulous, and successful upper-class American gays as some kind of norm we all tend towards, and his highlighting of these communities was off-putting and made me roll my eyes a few times. I wish his work with less privileged clients had come through in this book as well, so that middle- to lower-class gays and non-Americans wouldn't feel excluded while reading this. The second issue for me was the clients' anonymised names. Why did the author mention approximately 10 different Johns? This is confusing and could have been easily avoided by choosing unique names for each story.
Despite these two issues, I would still recommend this book, maybe coupled with Walt Odet's Out of the shadows, for a deeper dive into the psychology of gay men.
Downs hit a lot of nerves with this book. His simple (quite possibly simplistic) descriptions of the stages of gay men's emotional development are relatable and well explained. It feels good to see someone has understood the topic well enough to verbalise and summarise it so simply. From being overwhelmed by the shame of growing up different to overcompensating that shame, and finally seeking radical authenticity and meaning: I can definitely pin these stages to my life and that of other gay men I know. Many golden nuggets in there.
I enjoyed reading Downs' synthesis and took a lot of notes. In addition to a comprehensive synthesis based on concepts from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, the author provides a list of possible actions one can take to achieve a more authentic existence. While these were quite general and could apply to anybody (not just gay men), I think they can be very useful, particularly for the emotionally younger reader.
However (and that's a pretty big however) two issues bothered me as I was reading this. First, his many references to extremely wealthy, fabulous, and successful upper-class American gays as some kind of norm we all tend towards, and his highlighting of these communities was off-putting and made me roll my eyes a few times. I wish his work with less privileged clients had come through in this book as well, so that middle- to lower-class gays and non-Americans wouldn't feel excluded while reading this. The second issue for me was the clients' anonymised names. Why did the author mention approximately 10 different Johns? This is confusing and could have been easily avoided by choosing unique names for each story.
Despite these two issues, I would still recommend this book, maybe coupled with Walt Odet's Out of the shadows, for a deeper dive into the psychology of gay men.
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
This is a must read for every gay man who has dealt with any amount of shame. Also can be helpful for anyone to understand this perspective more. I'm so happy I read this finally. Thanks Alan Downs.
informative
reflective
Really good to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going based off of other people’s stories & ways people move through shame and anger. I highly recommend this book to every queer man as a jumping off point to work on themselves and unpack & heal their trauma.
informative
medium-paced
goodreads reviews aren't lying - his clients seem to have exclusively been rich white gays. he did in fact write this book assuming that every queer person had the same issues - and only the same issues - as them. baffling. anyways if you don't want microagressions skip to the last chapter. I actually found that 100% helpful
‘We must go about the business of making ourselves lovable in order to survive’
And this is truly the root of most ills in the gay community
And this is truly the root of most ills in the gay community