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3.54 AVERAGE
3.54 AVERAGE
challenging
emotional
fast-paced
Content Warnings
Graphic: Eating disorder, Self harm
you people are needlessly mean just because some guy made you laugh a couple times
I adored this book. I got swept up in it pretty immediately and found myself audibly gasping and reacting to things that happened to Anna throughout the memoir. She's an incredible storyteller and feels like a friend who would talk you down from a mental spinout, especially because she's had them, too. I really appreciated the jump between the semi-"present day" of her time at the rehab center to different periods in her life contextualizing a lot of the things she was facing, and was proud of her growth over the course of the story. Easy to relate to and a really great read.
joining the chorus of voices singing that this book is profoundly dishonest, and the author is intensely unrelatable and unlikeable. it is actually annoying to hate men this much, and most of her experiences with them are alarmingly commonplace. the refusal to consider her doctors' analyses at the end totally put me off, and i honestly agree with a lot of the assessments she discarded.
the chapter about the dog dying was insanely sad and beautiful and made me cry at work. i did enjoy her writing style and overall the experience of reading the book, despite my critiques of much of its content and the picture the author tries to paint of herself.
the chapter about the dog dying was insanely sad and beautiful and made me cry at work. i did enjoy her writing style and overall the experience of reading the book, despite my critiques of much of its content and the picture the author tries to paint of herself.
this would've been a higher rating if i hadn't finished the last third of this book because anna is completely unlikeable and i'm unable to empathize or sympathize with her. i wanted to like it, i wanted to enjoy the reading experience of this, but jesus CHRIST she makes it nearly impossible.
i would argue there's pretty much nothing redeeming about this book. the ending ruined the rest of the book for me, and this book didn't teach me anything nor relate to me. as a reader, it's not like i HAVE to relate to the story, but i definitely will get into the story more if there's something relatable within it.
if i thought i hated men, then anna absolutely despises and wants to be nowhere near them. i thought i was biased against men, but jesus, apparently i'm actually so nice in comparison. she makes a whole point about misandry not being real, but it's stories like these and people like these who make misandry an issue. i understand that men are privileged, believe me, but you can't just hate and distrust men for being men. if they've given you a reason to distrust them, then i won't stand in your way, but it's biased to hate them without reason.
as for her file review at the end? girl, be so for real with me. reread the book you just wrote and tell me you DON'T see borderline personality disorder. because goddamn girl, you quite literally attached yourself to people (men, usually) so intently that when they left, you were devastated for a long time. that's called a "favorite person" to those with bpd. you just don't wanna see it.
overall, i disliked this book. i don't wanna say hated because that feels too harsh, but anna did not make it easy to like her, and to be honest, i still don't.
i would argue there's pretty much nothing redeeming about this book. the ending ruined the rest of the book for me, and this book didn't teach me anything nor relate to me. as a reader, it's not like i HAVE to relate to the story, but i definitely will get into the story more if there's something relatable within it.
if i thought i hated men, then anna absolutely despises and wants to be nowhere near them. i thought i was biased against men, but jesus, apparently i'm actually so nice in comparison. she makes a whole point about misandry not being real, but it's stories like these and people like these who make misandry an issue. i understand that men are privileged, believe me, but you can't just hate and distrust men for being men. if they've given you a reason to distrust them, then i won't stand in your way, but it's biased to hate them without reason.
as for her file review at the end? girl, be so for real with me. reread the book you just wrote and tell me you DON'T see borderline personality disorder. because goddamn girl, you quite literally attached yourself to people (men, usually) so intently that when they left, you were devastated for a long time. that's called a "favorite person" to those with bpd. you just don't wanna see it.
overall, i disliked this book. i don't wanna say hated because that feels too harsh, but anna did not make it easy to like her, and to be honest, i still don't.
A memoir mainly chronicling Anna Marie Tendler’s stint in a psychiatric hospital after a particularly crippling recurrence of depression and self-harm interspersed with flashbacks to past relationships and some of the treatment she’s received from men.
MILD SPOILERS THROUGHOUT
Here’s the thing, in her circles or whatever she actually does for work, I believe she’s an artist of some kind, Anna may be a known name, but most of the world has only become very aware of her recently due to her very public, messy divorce that occurred not to long ago from her famous ex, comedian John Mulaney. I’m not saying her entire memoir had to be about him, I honestly even really enjoyed some of the things she discussed and seeing her journey play out. But to title your book after the pivotal men in your life, especially disparagingly so, and not include your famous ex-husband AT ALL other than in a passing reference not even by name?! That genuinely felt like false advertising and I think she knew exactly what she was doing and it really hindered my overall enjoyment. Like I guarantee the majority of people who jumped on reading this book, me included I won’t lie, did so to see her side of the story and her thoughts. Even if she never referred to him by name, the fact that their marriage of almost a decade is not touched on ONCE is genuinely a wild choice. Makes me wonder if she had to sign some NDA or something as John also didn’t discuss her at all in his first comedy tour/special out of rehab and post-divorce, truly hard to say, but I was very disappointed.
And on top of that I’m not quite sure the point of this memoir. I assumed going in that there would be some kind of self-reflection and growth or at least some kind of thesis statement, but it didn’t really go anywhere. I’m all about man-hate and it’s clear she’s had some very terrible encounters and relationships with several guys throughout her life, but I was waiting for her to come to some kind of conclusion other than 'man = bad, but I’m tragically straight so I’ll continue to date them'. She even makes a reference to one of her male therapists/doctors at the hospital ending up being her biggest champion and a large reason of how she was able to gain so much from the experience and was the one who understood her the most, in fact the first doctor who was able to fully put into words how she’s always felt her entire life and validating her emotions. She makes a lot of references to him and says how she’s especially grateful to him, but she doesn’t even include him as an example that there are good, trustworthy men out there. Another example was her brief relationship with one of the band boys, the nice one who as soon as he found out about her self-harm stood by her in saying she needed to get help and he would force her to do so if she ever relapsed, which he stood by being there for her and overall seemed to be a positive relationship in her life, they just didn’t work out. But it seems like she went into this memoir in a VERY anti-men mindset, fairly fueled by her divorce I’m sure, to the point where she’s immediately mistrusting of any man she encounters and by the end she just kind of doubles down on how much they suck. I’m very averse to the mindset of being anti-man is what feminism is, because it perpetuates harmful stereotypes a lot of misogynists like to point at when mentioning how much they hate feminism. I find it incredibly regressive and unhelpful. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of men suck, especially cis, straight, white ones, as a cis, straight, white woman, I can most certainly wax on about my struggles with these type of men and men in general. But to lump the entirety of a gender as inherently malicious seems unhelpful and narrow minded. And again, she proved that not all men are horrible, but then pretends like she’s learned nothing by the end, it was bizarre. It’s like she wanted a catchy, eye-grabbing title for her book and lazily tied in past toxic relationships with men without really coming to an actual conclusion. And again, to do this, but avoid her biggest relationship of them all felt like such a very strange choice.
For the most part, I did enjoy her discussions on mental health and how open and candid she is about the struggles she’s faced throughout her life. I applaud her for being incredibly vulnerable about her mental health and especially the conceit of this story which was checking herself into a program at a mental hospital and, I believe, being the only one who did so by her own volition knowing she needed serious help. She goes on quite an exploration of her issues, a lot of it she seems to think stems from the abandonment from her father after her parents’ divorce at a young age, however I do wish she delved a little deeper into her own theories of her mental health and what her therapists have thought as well. The best moments were probably the comparisons and relationships she developed amongst her fellow female patients, all in a wide range of ages and circumstance, and how despite having such vastly differing lives and personalities, they’re all here for a common reason. She actually seems to have some kind of an arc with them and it was nice to have some moments of kinship. I kind of wished she used those opportunities to compare her relationships with them with the actual female friendships she has in everyday life, especially since they seem to be a large part of her chosen family. And she has one moment of mentioning mild jealousy that she never received phone calls from loved ones because she never gave them the number of the hospital, but it seemed like something that could’ve been easily rectified as she has email communications with them, but it's never really mentioned again.
The other weird moment of this memoir was her relationship and subsequent ‘breakup’ with her long-time therapist. She has mentions of her being clipped with her and the very little she added to her hospital care until the extremely triggering moment when she first tries to leave her stay and her therapist not only suggests they no longer work together, but that she’s a horrible person and their relationship is toxic. It felt ENTIRELY out of the blue and incredibly jarring. Now, I think Anna felt exactly the same way from the interaction, she clearly felt blindsided and devastated at the time. She then backtracks to kind of justify this heel turn with all the times her therapist had been horribly toxic to her. And maybe this is one of those stranger than fiction moments that sometimes people just react in horrible ways or treat you poorly and you never find out why or if you even did anything to deserve it, but I don’t know why she didn’t take the opportunity to at least speculate on some reason or show subsequent therapy sessions with the hospital doctors who not only weren’t toxic, but validated the improper, undeserved treatment. But then similarly she receives the summary of her time in care at the end of her book from a different male therapist, not the one she felt connected to and continually praised, who kind of continued this line of surface level analysis on her character and not even mentioning the multitude of triggering moments with her past therapist and the steps she’s taken to try and better herself, only focusing on her narcissism and selfishness. And again, this may be how it happened with no reason why or zero catharsis, but this cannot be how you portray moments to your reader who is hoping to see some kind of self-reflection or growth from these events. She’s just kind of like ‘yeah, it made me sad that he felt that way, but clearly not everyone did’ and it was so bizarre. And again, there’s little point or reason to why give us this story at all if she's not going to try and connect the dots or what she’s trying to tell.
I don’t mind this stream of consciousness style, but it read like her diary entries, a ton of meandering exposition with very little point or connection throughout. I’m sure a lot of people may find her vulnerability and journey of mental health relatable, but I’m not sure it entirely works as a completed memoir and really reaches the places I hoped it would. I don’t regret reading it, it was an interesting story and I think she’s an interesting woman, but very self-involved and purposefully baiting us with one kind of story to not deliver in any way with that scandal. I also found it a little cheap to end with the death of her dog. It was the only moment that eeked genuine emotion from me, but less so for her, but for my own pet losses and how horrible it is every time you lose such a pure embodiment of unconditional love. Overall, I don’t know what I expected from this book, but this was very much not it and I get the tepid, disappointed reactions to it now.
MILD SPOILERS THROUGHOUT
Here’s the thing, in her circles or whatever she actually does for work, I believe she’s an artist of some kind, Anna may be a known name, but most of the world has only become very aware of her recently due to her very public, messy divorce that occurred not to long ago from her famous ex, comedian John Mulaney. I’m not saying her entire memoir had to be about him, I honestly even really enjoyed some of the things she discussed and seeing her journey play out. But to title your book after the pivotal men in your life, especially disparagingly so, and not include your famous ex-husband AT ALL other than in a passing reference not even by name?! That genuinely felt like false advertising and I think she knew exactly what she was doing and it really hindered my overall enjoyment. Like I guarantee the majority of people who jumped on reading this book, me included I won’t lie, did so to see her side of the story and her thoughts. Even if she never referred to him by name, the fact that their marriage of almost a decade is not touched on ONCE is genuinely a wild choice. Makes me wonder if she had to sign some NDA or something as John also didn’t discuss her at all in his first comedy tour/special out of rehab and post-divorce, truly hard to say, but I was very disappointed.
And on top of that I’m not quite sure the point of this memoir. I assumed going in that there would be some kind of self-reflection and growth or at least some kind of thesis statement, but it didn’t really go anywhere. I’m all about man-hate and it’s clear she’s had some very terrible encounters and relationships with several guys throughout her life, but I was waiting for her to come to some kind of conclusion other than 'man = bad, but I’m tragically straight so I’ll continue to date them'. She even makes a reference to one of her male therapists/doctors at the hospital ending up being her biggest champion and a large reason of how she was able to gain so much from the experience and was the one who understood her the most, in fact the first doctor who was able to fully put into words how she’s always felt her entire life and validating her emotions. She makes a lot of references to him and says how she’s especially grateful to him, but she doesn’t even include him as an example that there are good, trustworthy men out there. Another example was her brief relationship with one of the band boys, the nice one who as soon as he found out about her self-harm stood by her in saying she needed to get help and he would force her to do so if she ever relapsed, which he stood by being there for her and overall seemed to be a positive relationship in her life, they just didn’t work out. But it seems like she went into this memoir in a VERY anti-men mindset, fairly fueled by her divorce I’m sure, to the point where she’s immediately mistrusting of any man she encounters and by the end she just kind of doubles down on how much they suck. I’m very averse to the mindset of being anti-man is what feminism is, because it perpetuates harmful stereotypes a lot of misogynists like to point at when mentioning how much they hate feminism. I find it incredibly regressive and unhelpful. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of men suck, especially cis, straight, white ones, as a cis, straight, white woman, I can most certainly wax on about my struggles with these type of men and men in general. But to lump the entirety of a gender as inherently malicious seems unhelpful and narrow minded. And again, she proved that not all men are horrible, but then pretends like she’s learned nothing by the end, it was bizarre. It’s like she wanted a catchy, eye-grabbing title for her book and lazily tied in past toxic relationships with men without really coming to an actual conclusion. And again, to do this, but avoid her biggest relationship of them all felt like such a very strange choice.
For the most part, I did enjoy her discussions on mental health and how open and candid she is about the struggles she’s faced throughout her life. I applaud her for being incredibly vulnerable about her mental health and especially the conceit of this story which was checking herself into a program at a mental hospital and, I believe, being the only one who did so by her own volition knowing she needed serious help. She goes on quite an exploration of her issues, a lot of it she seems to think stems from the abandonment from her father after her parents’ divorce at a young age, however I do wish she delved a little deeper into her own theories of her mental health and what her therapists have thought as well. The best moments were probably the comparisons and relationships she developed amongst her fellow female patients, all in a wide range of ages and circumstance, and how despite having such vastly differing lives and personalities, they’re all here for a common reason. She actually seems to have some kind of an arc with them and it was nice to have some moments of kinship. I kind of wished she used those opportunities to compare her relationships with them with the actual female friendships she has in everyday life, especially since they seem to be a large part of her chosen family. And she has one moment of mentioning mild jealousy that she never received phone calls from loved ones because she never gave them the number of the hospital, but it seemed like something that could’ve been easily rectified as she has email communications with them, but it's never really mentioned again.
The other weird moment of this memoir was her relationship and subsequent ‘breakup’ with her long-time therapist. She has mentions of her being clipped with her and the very little she added to her hospital care until the extremely triggering moment when she first tries to leave her stay and her therapist not only suggests they no longer work together, but that she’s a horrible person and their relationship is toxic. It felt ENTIRELY out of the blue and incredibly jarring. Now, I think Anna felt exactly the same way from the interaction, she clearly felt blindsided and devastated at the time. She then backtracks to kind of justify this heel turn with all the times her therapist had been horribly toxic to her. And maybe this is one of those stranger than fiction moments that sometimes people just react in horrible ways or treat you poorly and you never find out why or if you even did anything to deserve it, but I don’t know why she didn’t take the opportunity to at least speculate on some reason or show subsequent therapy sessions with the hospital doctors who not only weren’t toxic, but validated the improper, undeserved treatment. But then similarly she receives the summary of her time in care at the end of her book from a different male therapist, not the one she felt connected to and continually praised, who kind of continued this line of surface level analysis on her character and not even mentioning the multitude of triggering moments with her past therapist and the steps she’s taken to try and better herself, only focusing on her narcissism and selfishness. And again, this may be how it happened with no reason why or zero catharsis, but this cannot be how you portray moments to your reader who is hoping to see some kind of self-reflection or growth from these events. She’s just kind of like ‘yeah, it made me sad that he felt that way, but clearly not everyone did’ and it was so bizarre. And again, there’s little point or reason to why give us this story at all if she's not going to try and connect the dots or what she’s trying to tell.
I don’t mind this stream of consciousness style, but it read like her diary entries, a ton of meandering exposition with very little point or connection throughout. I’m sure a lot of people may find her vulnerability and journey of mental health relatable, but I’m not sure it entirely works as a completed memoir and really reaches the places I hoped it would. I don’t regret reading it, it was an interesting story and I think she’s an interesting woman, but very self-involved and purposefully baiting us with one kind of story to not deliver in any way with that scandal. I also found it a little cheap to end with the death of her dog. It was the only moment that eeked genuine emotion from me, but less so for her, but for my own pet losses and how horrible it is every time you lose such a pure embodiment of unconditional love. Overall, I don’t know what I expected from this book, but this was very much not it and I get the tepid, disappointed reactions to it now.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Mental illness
Moderate: Self harm, Suicidal thoughts
i just want to wrap AMT in a big hug!
tendler’s writing is thoughtful and direct. i resonated so much with her storytelling and recollections of her past. structurally, i wasn’t quite sure where we were going for the latter third of the book. for such an intimate story, no elaboration on her divorce does feel like the elephant in the room, but assuming she omitted for personal and/or legal reasons.
tendler’s writing is thoughtful and direct. i resonated so much with her storytelling and recollections of her past. structurally, i wasn’t quite sure where we were going for the latter third of the book. for such an intimate story, no elaboration on her divorce does feel like the elephant in the room, but assuming she omitted for personal and/or legal reasons.
I have been thinking a lot about this book. It feels like something that was never meant to be read by others - it’s a personal diary. As a memoir, it’s strong because it’s a very real and unedited reflection of her thoughts. But as an assessment of the effects of patriarchy, it does not land. Yes, men suck, but not because your wrists are too tiny.
It's often hard for me to rate memoirs but also want to remember what I thought about the book. There was a lot about the writing that was engaging and intriguing even when she explained things I would have expected to find mundane. Many of her points about misogyny, patriarchy, the impact on culture at large, but also women's individual lives was compelling. It reflected truth and my own views. At times she had insight, but at others, it felt very disconnected. As though not enough time had passed between experiences and writing this down. Clearly she has gone through a lot of therapy and has a wealth of knowledge and language to explain but it often fell flat and my take is it had to do with needing more time and distance prior to writing.
challenging
emotional
hopeful
reflective
sad
tense
slow-paced