Reviews with content warning for Drug use - Acts of Desperation

"I had been living in a constant bargain with Ciaran for months. Every day that passed in which I was easy to be with, and accommodating, and a good girlfriend, was a ritual offered up. My body expected the perseverance to mean something. And suddenly it was clear that my intentions were meaningless, and I could no more magic him into loving me than I could an animal back to life."

I love disaster girl books and I will not apologise. It took me a while to finally cave and read My Year of Rest and Relaxation and I liked it! What can I say? Similar to My Year, the main character of Acts of Desperation is self absorbed and a bad friend. Out of the disaster girl books I've read (My Year, Luster, Everybody in this Room Will Someday be Dead), the protagonist of Acts of Desperation is one of the worst. And just because she is self aware of her problems, it does not make it better. The biggest issue with our unnamed narrator is her insecurity and need for male validation, which culminates in the focus of this book, her relationship with Ciaran, but we will circle back to that. She is insecure in her looks, has negative self body image, and issues with weight and disordered eating. She goes out and parties, indulging in alcohol and drugs. When she is in her relationship with Ciaran, she blows off her friends and her father (who has been a pretty good parent to her). She also

later cheats on Ciaran

. I can't say why I like these books with disastrous main characters. This one and A Touch of Jen, which I've only just started, have deeply unlikable and troubled characters but it's entertaining to read from their perspectives. Nolan has great writing and is able to write about some incredibly difficult but relatable topics. Some lines I like:

"There was no religion in my life after early childhood, and a great faith in love was what I had cultivated instead."

"Living with him forced me to treat myself like a person in a way I was not able to alone."

"[Love.] There has never been a drug or a friend or a food that's come even close."

"Life was so pointless, so opaque and shifting, that I could only think about immediate feelings. Immediacy was all I had."

Like our main character, Ciaran has a lot of issues, and the relationship is just once of the worst I've read. He is generally very cold and uncaring. He

tells the narrator he loves her and then ghosts her to be with his ex. They get back together after this, regardless

. The narrator's life revolves around Ciaran. Like I mentioned, she blows off her friends but also loses her old life partying with them because Ciaran doesn't approve. While the partying may go too far, and while the main character has a drinking problem, Ciaran becomes the reason for her to stop drinking, but this quickly becomes a game of how she can drink without him knowing. Her deception also includes reading his emails and it

obviously escalates with the infidelity later

. Ciaran and his ex-girlfriend Freja also lack boundaries. He claims that the main character cannot understand their bond, emphasising their closeness while also invalidating the main character's concerns. Freja sends emails to Ciaran where she puts the main character down, from back handed compliments to straight up insults about her body and weight, and saying that it's "obvious Ciaran is just trying to make her jealous". Ciaran shares that he writes poetry about Freja. Intentional or not, this pushes the main character harder into trying to earn his validation as she takes up a lot of domestic labour which is never recognises. She takes up cooking solely to try and impress him and to play the part of a "good" house-girlfriend. The domesticity makes her happy, which is painfully relatable to me, but Ciaran never appreciates her and he becomes the only point of reference and reason for her. It's tragic to see.

The book is written with this period of the narrators life as something in the past, as she lives a happier life in the present in Greece. However, whether this is a true belief of Nolan or something to emphasise the damage done to this character through her experiences with men, even in the happy and more mature present, there is serious issues with consent that appear here and throughout the book. I do not recommend this book to anyone who will be triggered by sexual harassment and non-consensual sex. Scenes where this happens:

with a coworker commenting on her outfit, when she and Ciaran break up, and afterwards when she's just moved to Greece

. There's a consistent theme of the main character not enjoying or wanting sex, and being pressured or "wheedled" by men, and that it is just easier to "say yes". Nolan acknowledges that this is a problem, writing: "Once you've said no, a man wheedling feels unbearable. Even if he does it politely, or gently, it overrides the clearly expressed intention. It says: You're choice does not really matter. ... Wheedling is cowardly, and violent. When you change someone's no to a yes by wheedling, you have stolen from them what does not belong to you." The main character expresses that she doesn't want sex, but eventually gives up and fakes her moans, deeming it the easier thing to do. Again, I'm unsure what Nolan's intentions are but it's troubling and upsetting all the same. Healing and growing is not a linear, perfect process and it's unrealistic that moving countries will "fix" the main character, but she has achieved some progress and it's sad to see there's still a long way to go. I'm not sure what the intended take aways are here, but I enjoyed this book and Nolan writing the whole way, it made me think and feel, and that's what matters to me.

"I hate my weakness, what I severed of myself and gave to him, but love it too, love it still. I do not take it back. I love the girl who did those things. I love the girl because I feel sorry for her, and understand her.
Is it brave to be alone? Maybe, in a way. But it was also brave to ask someone to be with me, even though it was the wrong person, and in the wrong way. How could I have asked him to love me, day after day, when the answer kept on being no? What desperation made me live that way?
I mourn for that braveness, which is gone; whether it’s gone for ever or not, I don’t yet know."

Content Warnings

msameliee's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

Content Warnings

icarusandthesun's review against another edition

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dark emotional reflective tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

i think i might be in love.
when i read the synopsis i feared this was gonna be a very 'straight' book - romanticising toxic relationships, shallow and all that. but while this is undeniably still very straight, it's also self-aware, beautiful, painfully relatable at times, unhinged and so lovable.
it's got messy takes on obsession and love and features thoughts that sprang from a disturbed mind.
the book's full of terribly relatable things, vices and forbidden thoughts i was surprised to find were not confined to my own damned existence. it was all so specific and comforting and horrible.
the short chapters made this book quick, easy and lovely to read.
whimsical, yet comforting.

Content Warnings

candournat's review against another edition

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dark emotional reflective sad tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.0

Content Warnings

caitlinggodfrey's review against another edition

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dark medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.5

Content Warnings

nzmerchant's review against another edition

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challenging dark sad slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

This book read like a journal entry of every single unhinged and difficult truth I have had. They way Nolan put so many feelings I have experienced into words - wow, this was such a cathartic read. I truly feel for the MC. For her self awareness and blatant honesty at all her flaws. Ciaran is a red flag but so is our dear MC.

Unfortunately, the ending made me a little bit uneasy and took me by surprise because there was a time jump where I’m guessing a lot of plot development would have happened. So it was not as satisfying but I’m still blown away but how raw this book was on the whole.

Content Warnings

ti_vraga's review against another edition

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dark emotional medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

A poetic read steeped in self-loathing and the desire for the right kind of love.

This novel was almost hard to read. Not because it was bad- it was great. But because I was able to identify with so many aspects of the self-centered, unnamed main character. It wasn’t a pleasant realization. It felt raw, the way a healing scrape seems to always brush up against things, getting re-opened again and again.

Megan Nolan navigates the character’s identity-lessness in a way that brought to the surface thoughts and emotions I’d thought long buried. As a woman in her early 30’s, my identity isn’t as ephemeral as it was when I was the age of the narrator, somewhere in her mid-20s. But I quickly remembered how it felt to be unattached, shapeless, to be willing to fit into whatever mold you needed to in order to make someone love you.

My favorite line of the book is “...I was in love and so I was insane…” I’d like to think such a line is a universal truth to some degree. I have certainly felt that way in the throes of love’s infancy. The obsession of it. The inability to do much else but think of the object of your heart’s desire. To feel useless if you’re not of use.

Read this book for its potency. For its blunt honesty. For its insanity.

Content warning: r*pe

Content Warnings

augustpeach_'s review against another edition

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challenging dark reflective tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.75

I enjoyed the frantic, anxious and the flawed aspects from the main female character, mixed with the obvious dose of delusion, panic and the self-awareness toward the self-destruction. Accurately portrays love addiction, anxious/avoidant personalities and attachment styles.

If you're a fan of complicated characters with unresolved aspects from their lives, 'stream of consciousness-style' writing with short, disjointed thoughts discussed as chapters (glimpses of conversations, scattered/faded memories brought back into light in a self-reflective way, etc.)

I purchased this book and plan on keeping it, due to the writing style alone. As a fan of complicated characters, I feel like there's a second read in my future for this novel.

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