Take a photo of a barcode or cover
198 reviews for:
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
Gabor Maté, Gordon Neufeld
3.99 AVERAGE
198 reviews for:
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
Gabor Maté, Gordon Neufeld
3.99 AVERAGE
Not sure what to think of this book…the first part was about what will happen if you don’t do what the book says and I think is meant to scare you. It went on way too long. The last chunk was specific ways of how you could hold on to your kids. That’s what I found most helpful but I think the book overall is more applicable to parents with school aged children, and probably more like middle-high school age.
Notes from reading:
Hold on to your kids Notes
Establish a connection before making demands. Ie. First thing in the morning just hold them and sit with them. Or if they are watching tv before dinner sit next to them, acknowledge what they’re doings and invite them. Don’t just yell at them to come.
Be friends with your kids friends. Or at least aware.
Notes from reading:
Hold on to your kids Notes
Establish a connection before making demands. Ie. First thing in the morning just hold them and sit with them. Or if they are watching tv before dinner sit next to them, acknowledge what they’re doings and invite them. Don’t just yell at them to come.
Be friends with your kids friends. Or at least aware.
9/13/10 I am determined to finish this book soon, and although I agree with some of its conclusions (I think), I just do not like it much!
9/14/10 Some parts of this book are unbelievably terrible. On page 108, the author(s) actually have the nerve to state: "Children don't need friends, they need parents, grandparents, adults who will assume responsibility to hold on to them." WHAT? Kids don't need friends? What planet are these guys living on?
And there are horror stories everywhere. If you don't want to be scared out of your mind that your child will turn into a bully, then don't read Chapter 11. According to that chapter, kids who spend more than 30 hours a week away from "mommy" have an increased chance of becoming a bully.
And if you, as a parent, have the audacity to have your own problems, such as depression or being stricken with cancer, your formerly attached child will turn his (rarely do the authors include the feminine pronouns) back to you and become a nightmare. Example, page 156: "For two years during this boy's adolescence his father, a professional, became completely preoccupied by his career while his mother experienced a stress-induced depression. Such a relatively short period during this crucial time in Nicholas's life was enough to create an attachment void that came to be filled by the peer group."
9/17/10
As many reviewers have already noted, the final chapters of this book were much better than the first 2/3. Still, it wasn't enough to make this a good book. Considering I already practice attachment parenting, these guys have clearly written a bad book if they barely convince me to take their theories seriously. The book would have been much better had they begun with the final two sections and then left out the alarmist statements and unsubstantiated claims that pepper the first section. I can't recommend this book and would instead urge someone to simply practice attachment parenting and to investigate ways of maintaining connections with our children as they grow older. The book Playful Parenting, while not explicitly about attachment parenting, still touches a lot on maintaining connections with our kids and is a MUCH better book.
9/14/10 Some parts of this book are unbelievably terrible. On page 108, the author(s) actually have the nerve to state: "Children don't need friends, they need parents, grandparents, adults who will assume responsibility to hold on to them." WHAT? Kids don't need friends? What planet are these guys living on?
And there are horror stories everywhere. If you don't want to be scared out of your mind that your child will turn into a bully, then don't read Chapter 11. According to that chapter, kids who spend more than 30 hours a week away from "mommy" have an increased chance of becoming a bully.
And if you, as a parent, have the audacity to have your own problems, such as depression or being stricken with cancer, your formerly attached child will turn his (rarely do the authors include the feminine pronouns) back to you and become a nightmare. Example, page 156: "For two years during this boy's adolescence his father, a professional, became completely preoccupied by his career while his mother experienced a stress-induced depression. Such a relatively short period during this crucial time in Nicholas's life was enough to create an attachment void that came to be filled by the peer group."
9/17/10
As many reviewers have already noted, the final chapters of this book were much better than the first 2/3. Still, it wasn't enough to make this a good book. Considering I already practice attachment parenting, these guys have clearly written a bad book if they barely convince me to take their theories seriously. The book would have been much better had they begun with the final two sections and then left out the alarmist statements and unsubstantiated claims that pepper the first section. I can't recommend this book and would instead urge someone to simply practice attachment parenting and to investigate ways of maintaining connections with our children as they grow older. The book Playful Parenting, while not explicitly about attachment parenting, still touches a lot on maintaining connections with our kids and is a MUCH better book.
Paradigm-shifting. One of the most important parenting books I’ve read.
Some really good information on attachment and how healthy attachment is hard to cultivate in the modern world. In my opinion, too detailed/dense for an average reader to process and apply in an organized way. Certain chapters/sections really stood out and other seemed to try to resolve systemic issues with individual approaches.
challenging
informative
slow-paced
Very informative but long winded and repetitive at times.
Honestly a struggle to finish. Insightful ideas but seemed lacking in hard evidence. Food for thought in terms of parenting and definitely things I will consider in daily life. However, I don't feel directly equipped to know what to actually DO to stop my children becoming "peer attached". To simply "attach" feels vague.
In saying this, I did rush/skim this book at times (especially the highly repetitive first half) so perhaps I missed key details.
Good concepts, perhaps not presented in an easily accessible way though?
Honestly a struggle to finish. Insightful ideas but seemed lacking in hard evidence. Food for thought in terms of parenting and definitely things I will consider in daily life. However, I don't feel directly equipped to know what to actually DO to stop my children becoming "peer attached". To simply "attach" feels vague.
In saying this, I did rush/skim this book at times (especially the highly repetitive first half) so perhaps I missed key details.
Good concepts, perhaps not presented in an easily accessible way though?
My own view is that one's response to parenting books largely depends on how closely it supports your existing mental model and world view. If you are inclined to believe that sleep training is necessary or acceptable, you are likely to be receptive to books on the topic. Conversely, if you think it is cruel and brutal, these books will land badly with you. It's the same with Hold on to Your Kids, which attracted reviews ranging from 1 to 5 stars. For the most part, the book's premise that parental attachment is critical and we must not allow it to be supplanted by peer attachment resonated with me. And I found the techniques that the authors laid out to maintain and strengthen parental attachment helpful. I do agree with some reviewers that the section on the dangers of peer orientation (where there were examples cited of teenagers murdering a peer) were perhaps unnecessarily extreme and fear mongering but that didn't detract too much from my overall enjoyment of the book.
----- **spoilers below ** -------
Hold on to Your Kids stresses the importance of maintaining children's attachments to their parents, and how to prevent it from being undermined by peer attachments. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate argue that it is only parent relationships that can provide the "unconditional love and acceptance, the desire to nurture, the ability to extend oneself for the sake of the other, the willingness to sacrifice for the growth and development of the other" that children need for healthy development.
Yet, contemporary culture and society inherently undermine parenting authority and parental love - we place our children into many situations and interactions that encourage peer orientation from a very young age e.g. being placed in childcare and preschools where the caregivers are not attentive to the need to form strong attachments and connections with the children, the decreasing importance and/or the lack of time and energy for the rituals of family meals (which are more about getting kids fed than forming attachments), bedtime reading and other family activities. The gradual disappearance of attachments with adults who assume some responsibility for the child e.g. extended family (as families move away to form their own nuclear unit), the family physician, the neighbourhood tradesmen, etc have also contributed "our children…growing up peer rich and adult poor".
Neufeld and Mate stress that it is desirable for children to have peer friendships but it should not come at the expense of and be in competition with their family attachments. Their primary attachment should be to their family. It is their family's values that should anchor and orient them, not their friends'.
When a child becomes peer-oriented, their behaviours shift as they attach themselves to their friends instead of their parents. Neufeld and Mate identify six ways of attaching, in increasing complexity: (i) senses (e.g. physical proximity); (ii) sameness (I wanna be like you!); (iii) belonging and loyalty; (iv) significance (it matters that I matter to you); (v) feeling (i.e. emotional intimacy and vulnerability); (vi) being known (e.g. sharing secrets). Peer attachments tend to rely on the more basic modes of attachment. So when a child is peer oriented, they want to be with their friends, not with their family. They want to speak, dress and behave as their friends do, and do the same things, share the same tastes. They are loyal to their friends and will not brook criticism of them. Turning away from the family is not the same as a child developing independence and their own sense of self; Neufeld and Mate note that "genuine individuation would be manifested in all of the child's relationships, not just with adults. A child truly seeking to be her own person asserts her selfhood in the face of all pressures to conform (vs seeking to conform with their peers)."
Parental attachment supports effective parenting in "seven significant ways". (Conversely, these same seven ways undermine parenting authority when attachment is not parent-oriented): (i) attachment sets up a hierarchical dominance/dependence dynamic between parent and child (or between child and peer, in the case of peer orientation); (ii) attachment evokes the parenting instinct and makes the child more endearing and increasing parental tolerance (but where thwarted, renders the child less loveable and more frustrating to the parent); (iii) attachment commands the child's attention; (iv) attachment creates a desire for closeness (physical proximity for young children which gradually evolves to emotional connection, if all goes well); (v) attachment creates a model out of the parent, where the child's desire to adopt and imitate behaviours and attitudes makes it easy to teach and mould the child ("power-assisted learning!); (vi) attachment designates the parent as the primary cue giver; (vii) attachment makes the child want to be good for the parent.
Neufeld and Mate stress that in parenting, "what matters is not the skill of the parents but the relationship of the child to the adult who is assuming responsibility. Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired. Attachment is not a behaviour to be learned but a connection to be sought….When a child's working attachment changes, the attachment conscience will likely be recalibrated to avoid what would cause upset or distancing in the new relationship. Not until a child has developed a selfhood strong enough to form independence values and judgements does a more mature and autonomous conscience evolve, consistent across all situations and relationships." When parental attachment is lost or undermined, this is what parents also lose their "spontaneous authority to parent". Neufeld and Mate explain that when we lack that power and authority, we are "likely to resort to force…the more power a parent commands, the less force is required in day-to-day parenting. On the other hand, the less power we possess, the more impelled we are to raise our voices, harshen our demeanor, utter threats and seek some leverage to make our children comply with our demands". Kids need to rely on their parents for their attachment needs, for their emotional and psychological needs in order for parents to be able to give guidance and instruction effectively.
Neufeld and Mate introduce the concept of counterwill, an "instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced". Counterwill is perfectly natural, for example our children rejecting requests to eat their veg, brush their teeth, etc. It can represent "a healthy drive for independence" and parents can support the child by giving space for the child to express autonomy. What parents should not do is to tackle counterwill using bribes or coercion, as it conveys the message that the child's intrinsic motivation is insufficient.
So how do we maintain parental attachment or reclaim it if it has been supplanted by peer attachment? First, "getting in [children's] faces in ways that are warm and inviting, that keep enticing them to stay in the relationship with us." As kids grow up, our interactions start to shift away from pure connection (think of gurgling with babies), towards telling our kids what they should or shouldn't do. Instead, we need to "build routines of collecting our children into our daily lives", which includes creating structures that cultivate connection (and restrictions that limit competition) e.g family rituals and outings, restrictions on internet use, peer outings and other forms of peer contact. Second, offering our kids something to attach to - emotional warmth, enjoyment, delight and other signs of pleasurable attention and interest in our kids. Third, inviting dependence instead of pushing our kids towards independence, e.g. offering our kids our support and help instead of expecting them to manage on their own. Fourth, acting as the child's compass and helping to orient them (e.g. what the day will look like, orienting them about their identity and significance).
----- **spoilers below ** -------
Hold on to Your Kids stresses the importance of maintaining children's attachments to their parents, and how to prevent it from being undermined by peer attachments. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate argue that it is only parent relationships that can provide the "unconditional love and acceptance, the desire to nurture, the ability to extend oneself for the sake of the other, the willingness to sacrifice for the growth and development of the other" that children need for healthy development.
Yet, contemporary culture and society inherently undermine parenting authority and parental love - we place our children into many situations and interactions that encourage peer orientation from a very young age e.g. being placed in childcare and preschools where the caregivers are not attentive to the need to form strong attachments and connections with the children, the decreasing importance and/or the lack of time and energy for the rituals of family meals (which are more about getting kids fed than forming attachments), bedtime reading and other family activities. The gradual disappearance of attachments with adults who assume some responsibility for the child e.g. extended family (as families move away to form their own nuclear unit), the family physician, the neighbourhood tradesmen, etc have also contributed "our children…growing up peer rich and adult poor".
Neufeld and Mate stress that it is desirable for children to have peer friendships but it should not come at the expense of and be in competition with their family attachments. Their primary attachment should be to their family. It is their family's values that should anchor and orient them, not their friends'.
When a child becomes peer-oriented, their behaviours shift as they attach themselves to their friends instead of their parents. Neufeld and Mate identify six ways of attaching, in increasing complexity: (i) senses (e.g. physical proximity); (ii) sameness (I wanna be like you!); (iii) belonging and loyalty; (iv) significance (it matters that I matter to you); (v) feeling (i.e. emotional intimacy and vulnerability); (vi) being known (e.g. sharing secrets). Peer attachments tend to rely on the more basic modes of attachment. So when a child is peer oriented, they want to be with their friends, not with their family. They want to speak, dress and behave as their friends do, and do the same things, share the same tastes. They are loyal to their friends and will not brook criticism of them. Turning away from the family is not the same as a child developing independence and their own sense of self; Neufeld and Mate note that "genuine individuation would be manifested in all of the child's relationships, not just with adults. A child truly seeking to be her own person asserts her selfhood in the face of all pressures to conform (vs seeking to conform with their peers)."
Parental attachment supports effective parenting in "seven significant ways". (Conversely, these same seven ways undermine parenting authority when attachment is not parent-oriented): (i) attachment sets up a hierarchical dominance/dependence dynamic between parent and child (or between child and peer, in the case of peer orientation); (ii) attachment evokes the parenting instinct and makes the child more endearing and increasing parental tolerance (but where thwarted, renders the child less loveable and more frustrating to the parent); (iii) attachment commands the child's attention; (iv) attachment creates a desire for closeness (physical proximity for young children which gradually evolves to emotional connection, if all goes well); (v) attachment creates a model out of the parent, where the child's desire to adopt and imitate behaviours and attitudes makes it easy to teach and mould the child ("power-assisted learning!); (vi) attachment designates the parent as the primary cue giver; (vii) attachment makes the child want to be good for the parent.
Neufeld and Mate stress that in parenting, "what matters is not the skill of the parents but the relationship of the child to the adult who is assuming responsibility. Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired. Attachment is not a behaviour to be learned but a connection to be sought….When a child's working attachment changes, the attachment conscience will likely be recalibrated to avoid what would cause upset or distancing in the new relationship. Not until a child has developed a selfhood strong enough to form independence values and judgements does a more mature and autonomous conscience evolve, consistent across all situations and relationships." When parental attachment is lost or undermined, this is what parents also lose their "spontaneous authority to parent". Neufeld and Mate explain that when we lack that power and authority, we are "likely to resort to force…the more power a parent commands, the less force is required in day-to-day parenting. On the other hand, the less power we possess, the more impelled we are to raise our voices, harshen our demeanor, utter threats and seek some leverage to make our children comply with our demands". Kids need to rely on their parents for their attachment needs, for their emotional and psychological needs in order for parents to be able to give guidance and instruction effectively.
Neufeld and Mate introduce the concept of counterwill, an "instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced". Counterwill is perfectly natural, for example our children rejecting requests to eat their veg, brush their teeth, etc. It can represent "a healthy drive for independence" and parents can support the child by giving space for the child to express autonomy. What parents should not do is to tackle counterwill using bribes or coercion, as it conveys the message that the child's intrinsic motivation is insufficient.
So how do we maintain parental attachment or reclaim it if it has been supplanted by peer attachment? First, "getting in [children's] faces in ways that are warm and inviting, that keep enticing them to stay in the relationship with us." As kids grow up, our interactions start to shift away from pure connection (think of gurgling with babies), towards telling our kids what they should or shouldn't do. Instead, we need to "build routines of collecting our children into our daily lives", which includes creating structures that cultivate connection (and restrictions that limit competition) e.g family rituals and outings, restrictions on internet use, peer outings and other forms of peer contact. Second, offering our kids something to attach to - emotional warmth, enjoyment, delight and other signs of pleasurable attention and interest in our kids. Third, inviting dependence instead of pushing our kids towards independence, e.g. offering our kids our support and help instead of expecting them to manage on their own. Fourth, acting as the child's compass and helping to orient them (e.g. what the day will look like, orienting them about their identity and significance).
informative
inspiring
slow-paced
TLDR: When your children push you away and you think they need space is precisely when they need you the most.
This book gets a 5 for content but a 2 for writing. The author repeats himself, quite a bit, and i ended up skimming most of the book. Which is a shame because i really liked how he thinks.
As it says in the title, this book is about why parents need to matter more than peers. His premise is that today's children are having "attachment affairs" with their friends. Children instinctively attach to their parents. Then in turn use their parents to orient themselves in the world. but in the absence of a parent will attach to whomever is near including their friends and the orient to their friends instead of the parent... the blind leading the blind as it were. And without a healthy attachment children become almost impossible to discipline (see also [b:The Five Love Languages of Children|952|The Five Love Languages of Children|Gary Chapman|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1157749324s/952.jpg|5166]) and in general are difficult to deal with.
I read the first and last sections as the middle two were all about the problems that arise from children being peer oriented including sexual activity, school problems, etc... Basically the author proposes that many of the issues we perceive as normal adolescent problems are actually because the child no longer looks to their parents for guidance. I may pick up the book again when my son is older.
It was not explicitly discussed in the book, but the information could actually be used to help children attach and orient themselves to God.
As it says in the title, this book is about why parents need to matter more than peers. His premise is that today's children are having "attachment affairs" with their friends. Children instinctively attach to their parents. Then in turn use their parents to orient themselves in the world. but in the absence of a parent will attach to whomever is near including their friends and the orient to their friends instead of the parent... the blind leading the blind as it were. And without a healthy attachment children become almost impossible to discipline (see also [b:The Five Love Languages of Children|952|The Five Love Languages of Children|Gary Chapman|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1157749324s/952.jpg|5166]) and in general are difficult to deal with.
I read the first and last sections as the middle two were all about the problems that arise from children being peer oriented including sexual activity, school problems, etc... Basically the author proposes that many of the issues we perceive as normal adolescent problems are actually because the child no longer looks to their parents for guidance. I may pick up the book again when my son is older.
It was not explicitly discussed in the book, but the information could actually be used to help children attach and orient themselves to God.
The premise of this astounding book is that in today's culture, more and more children are living their lives being more attached to their peers than their parents. Sound mind-blowing? Maybe not, but at the soul of this book is the idea that our attachment to our children is the one crucial thing that our children cannot truly grow-up without. The book goes in-depth into attachment theory, but not so deep that you can't find your way out again and understand how necessary it is. We learn about how this "peer attachment" can undermine parenting and what happens to children when they are learning their values from people their own age instead of from their parents and grandparents. "Bullies" and their tactics are pieced apart. But not only do we read the gloom and doom of what can happen to peer-oriented children - the entire last section is how, if they're already "lost," we can win them back. And if we still have our children attached to us, we learn ways to help them be truly independent and mature young adults.
The structure of the book is very linear - the lead author makes a generalized point and then several smaller sections expound on different portions of that general point. This worked for me, but some folks might find it pretty repetitive. I usually need that in non-fiction, otherwise I forget important things. The writing is very readable and I loved all the anecdotal stories, they made the things I was learning much more concrete - even though some of the examples made me feel terrified for my children to grow up any more than they already have.
I must have underlined half of this book, I found so many statements that rang true in a new way - it took me to places in my parenting mind that I have just never thought about, at least not consciously. Some sections gave me chills, they hit so close to home. I read so slowly that I had chances to try out some of the ideas as I read and I actually saw it - I actually saw that helping my son move from anger over something into sadness over it actually dissipated their frustration.
I have already passed on the name of this book to four people. I want to pass it on to everyone. I am looking at my kids and the way I deal with them in an entirely new way. And what does that mean? It means more parenting for me. More time invested in the three people that will give me the most satisfaction in the end: my kids.
The structure of the book is very linear - the lead author makes a generalized point and then several smaller sections expound on different portions of that general point. This worked for me, but some folks might find it pretty repetitive. I usually need that in non-fiction, otherwise I forget important things. The writing is very readable and I loved all the anecdotal stories, they made the things I was learning much more concrete - even though some of the examples made me feel terrified for my children to grow up any more than they already have.
I must have underlined half of this book, I found so many statements that rang true in a new way - it took me to places in my parenting mind that I have just never thought about, at least not consciously. Some sections gave me chills, they hit so close to home. I read so slowly that I had chances to try out some of the ideas as I read and I actually saw it - I actually saw that helping my son move from anger over something into sadness over it actually dissipated their frustration.
I have already passed on the name of this book to four people. I want to pass it on to everyone. I am looking at my kids and the way I deal with them in an entirely new way. And what does that mean? It means more parenting for me. More time invested in the three people that will give me the most satisfaction in the end: my kids.