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3.92 AVERAGE
3.92 AVERAGE
informative
slow-paced
I hated listening to this guy write about oral. I don't ever want to read another book on sex with quotes from chinese philosophers.
informative
It's somewhat of a weird book to review on Goodreads. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but publicly discussing a book about sex can feel a bit awkward, as if you were just caught with your pants down (or, in this case, with your partner's pants down). But we should have less of this false shame, don't you think? There's nothing shameful in wanting to educate oneself, or about sex, really.
This is not the first time I've read this book though. The first time was many years ago, looking to understand something I knew very little about, and while I got deep into the book (mmm), I was scared away by all the details (and timings!) in the practical part of it, fearing I could never live up to what the book seemed to be expecting of me (there are more beginner-friendly sections, but I wish they got a bit more attention than being shoved in the appendices).
Reading it now though I can see how much this book informed my developing understanding and approach to sex. Even many of the techniques I had thought to be above me, I now find I had unknowingly incorporated in my toolbelt throughout the years. Looking at it now, I just regret I didn't finish it then, or read it even earlier (I'd love to go back to my 15-years old self, slip him this and tell him to get ready for some quality fun time; and then run away cause I'd be an adult giving a teenager a sex book, nevermind the context); but I'm infinitely grateful that it did enter my life, and affect it.
The timings and detailed steps still occasionally feel a bit ludicrous, as if you’re expected to take a stopwatch (and a cheat sheet!) in bed with you, but now (with considerably more experience under my belt), I can see its value both as a guide for a novice and a way for filling in some holes (in one's knowledge) for an advanced participator. The advanced routines also throw down a challenge that I’m excited to “work” towards.
Plus they're just half the book. The first half is fully dedicated to getting the reader into the appropriate mind set, to stop seeing cunnilingus (and overall non-male pleasure) as an afterthought or a means to an end, but one of the main events all by itself (and what an event!). It can be an appetiser (the same as the genitalia-swapped version), but it's a great mistake to see it as nothing but. Now, of course I (or the author) can't convince anybody who has no taste for it to enjoy it, but part of the point of the book is that anybody interested in certain types of bodies, owes it to both their partner and themself to give it a good try (it does feel so obvious to me that I feel like I'm speaking to the choir here, but then again the TV series Insecure did do a storyline about how humiliating going down is just a few years ago, so who the hell knows how mad y'all are).
I also just like how the author approaches his subject as a source of illumination. There's no talk of conquering or getting laid or showing off or whatever, it's just not that kind of a book. Instead, from merciless honesty about himself, he comes at us with a true appreciation for the body of his subject and the pleasure within. It can sometimes feel a bit culty with all the flowery talk and manifestos and whatnot (and a bit amusing with clinical descriptions of intimate acts), but besides that it’s an approach I appreciate (which is no surprise considering how the book affected my mental development).
I’d even call it a bit feminist, in how it’s trying to educate its mainly cishet male target group about the importance of female pleasure, bringing more equality to the bedroom (though of course not everybody with the genitalia addressed in the book identifies as a woman, and it must be acknowledged that the real target group is really anybody with a partner with a vulva, not just cishet men).
I wish my younger self had worried less. Back then I felt “oh god, how am I supposed to qualify? I could never memorise all this …” when really, as the man says in the end, it’s not about perfection, it's about more than that - closeness and pleasure. Just like sex itself - there is never any perfection, but with good humour, trust, sense of adventure and discovery, and boatloads of desire, it can be so much better. And it's no small compliment that this book can help in that. Even now I found a lot to glean from it, adding to my existing knowledge and familiarity, enlarging the toolbelt (so to speak). At the very least, a must have in my library. And a great birthday gift to anybody with a vulva (so they can slip it to their partner with a hopeful and mischievous smile).
Edit (10.6.24): half a year later, and having read more about the things the book touches on, I can't help but like it less. I'm still thankful for the positive impact it had on me, but much of what Kerner recommends really is laughable in its rigidness (and some obsolete tips, like "doing the ABCs"), and kinda harmful in how it encourages the idea of performance instead of cooperation and communication. Mutual pleasure is somewhat mentioned, but not really. Reading "Come as You Are" made me come back and lower this book's rating. I do have my own problems with that book, but it feels smarter than Kerner, and more caring of the female participant - for Kerner she may come first, but in Come as You Are it actually matters what she thinks about it.
This is not the first time I've read this book though. The first time was many years ago, looking to understand something I knew very little about, and while I got deep into the book (mmm), I was scared away by all the details (and timings!) in the practical part of it, fearing I could never live up to what the book seemed to be expecting of me (there are more beginner-friendly sections, but I wish they got a bit more attention than being shoved in the appendices).
Reading it now though I can see how much this book informed my developing understanding and approach to sex. Even many of the techniques I had thought to be above me, I now find I had unknowingly incorporated in my toolbelt throughout the years. Looking at it now, I just regret I didn't finish it then, or read it even earlier (I'd love to go back to my 15-years old self, slip him this and tell him to get ready for some quality fun time; and then run away cause I'd be an adult giving a teenager a sex book, nevermind the context); but I'm infinitely grateful that it did enter my life, and affect it.
The timings and detailed steps still occasionally feel a bit ludicrous, as if you’re expected to take a stopwatch (and a cheat sheet!) in bed with you, but now (with considerably more experience under my belt), I can see its value both as a guide for a novice and a way for filling in some holes (in one's knowledge) for an advanced participator. The advanced routines also throw down a challenge that I’m excited to “work” towards.
Plus they're just half the book. The first half is fully dedicated to getting the reader into the appropriate mind set, to stop seeing cunnilingus (and overall non-male pleasure) as an afterthought or a means to an end, but one of the main events all by itself (and what an event!). It can be an appetiser (the same as the genitalia-swapped version), but it's a great mistake to see it as nothing but. Now, of course I (or the author) can't convince anybody who has no taste for it to enjoy it, but part of the point of the book is that anybody interested in certain types of bodies, owes it to both their partner and themself to give it a good try (it does feel so obvious to me that I feel like I'm speaking to the choir here, but then again the TV series Insecure did do a storyline about how humiliating going down is just a few years ago, so who the hell knows how mad y'all are).
I also just like how the author approaches his subject as a source of illumination. There's no talk of conquering or getting laid or showing off or whatever, it's just not that kind of a book. Instead, from merciless honesty about himself, he comes at us with a true appreciation for the body of his subject and the pleasure within. It can sometimes feel a bit culty with all the flowery talk and manifestos and whatnot (and a bit amusing with clinical descriptions of intimate acts), but besides that it’s an approach I appreciate (which is no surprise considering how the book affected my mental development).
I’d even call it a bit feminist, in how it’s trying to educate its mainly cishet male target group about the importance of female pleasure, bringing more equality to the bedroom (though of course not everybody with the genitalia addressed in the book identifies as a woman, and it must be acknowledged that the real target group is really anybody with a partner with a vulva, not just cishet men).
I wish my younger self had worried less. Back then I felt “oh god, how am I supposed to qualify? I could never memorise all this …” when really, as the man says in the end, it’s not about perfection, it's about more than that - closeness and pleasure. Just like sex itself - there is never any perfection, but with good humour, trust, sense of adventure and discovery, and boatloads of desire, it can be so much better. And it's no small compliment that this book can help in that. Even now I found a lot to glean from it, adding to my existing knowledge and familiarity, enlarging the toolbelt (so to speak). At the very least, a must have in my library. And a great birthday gift to anybody with a vulva (so they can slip it to their partner with a hopeful and mischievous smile).
Edit (10.6.24): half a year later, and having read more about the things the book touches on, I can't help but like it less. I'm still thankful for the positive impact it had on me, but much of what Kerner recommends really is laughable in its rigidness (and some obsolete tips, like "doing the ABCs"), and kinda harmful in how it encourages the idea of performance instead of cooperation and communication. Mutual pleasure is somewhat mentioned, but not really. Reading "Come as You Are" made me come back and lower this book's rating. I do have my own problems with that book, but it feels smarter than Kerner, and more caring of the female participant - for Kerner she may come first, but in Come as You Are it actually matters what she thinks about it.
DAMN!
While being very informative, this book contains current statistical data on the female sexual response! In sex book terms, that's PRETTY rare. But it doesn't end there, it's a very technical, very detailed guide to cunnilingus. And it doesn't neglect the psychological scene setting, at all, it even provides historical context. It has really good tips, as well as wine pairings (who would have THOUGHT?!).
This book is written for men, primarily cis and heterosexual, and it does not go easy on them. It explains how complaints can be harmful and counterproductive, and it has a gentle firmness to it you rarely see in sex-help books. The main theme is "practice, and take your time". It never stops stressing the importance of the female orgasm for life in general and committed relationships. There's even a comprehensive explanation on how to avoid STDs. I can hardly think of anything the book DOESN'T cover.
While being very informative, this book contains current statistical data on the female sexual response! In sex book terms, that's PRETTY rare. But it doesn't end there, it's a very technical, very detailed guide to cunnilingus. And it doesn't neglect the psychological scene setting, at all, it even provides historical context. It has really good tips, as well as wine pairings (who would have THOUGHT?!).
This book is written for men, primarily cis and heterosexual, and it does not go easy on them. It explains how complaints can be harmful and counterproductive, and it has a gentle firmness to it you rarely see in sex-help books. The main theme is "practice, and take your time". It never stops stressing the importance of the female orgasm for life in general and committed relationships. There's even a comprehensive explanation on how to avoid STDs. I can hardly think of anything the book DOESN'T cover.
Hey, I just want to know what the "Thinking Man" needs to know.
I decided to read this after hearing a joint episode of Kerner's with April and Amy on Shameless Sex, more out of curiosity than anything. It wasn't entirely unuseful (I certainly picked up some specific language that is helpful for direction), but the prose is overwrought, excessive, and aggravating.
Solid reading for anyone interested in how to bring pleasure to a vulva. Only three stars because the possibilities are endless and this is just one, very direct, approach, but it kind of represents itself as THE way to interact with vulvas to reach orgasm. In a sense, you could almost read this book as a memoir of one psychologist’s journey toward becoming a better lover to his wife.
As I was telling Matt last night about the stuff I was learning from this book, he commented that this was going to be a really awkward book club (which is why I'm reading it). We'll see, haha! I suspect it will be just fine, since I've found that women are usually more open to talking about sex with each other than men seem to be.
The chapters are suuuuuper short, and Kerner combines a lot of literary references into the Elements of Style framework, but all in all I feel like this is a really informative and interesting little manual on oral sex and female anatomy, and it gave me a better framework for having conversations with my partner.
The chapters are suuuuuper short, and Kerner combines a lot of literary references into the Elements of Style framework, but all in all I feel like this is a really informative and interesting little manual on oral sex and female anatomy, and it gave me a better framework for having conversations with my partner.
informative
reflective
medium-paced
One of the things that I like about this book is that even though it sets parameters for how to perform cunnilingus, it still leaves enough room for the individuality of your partner; the biggest mistake you can make is to assume all partners reach orgasm alike. When I showed the book to my partner, she laughed at me, not because of the content, but because I had highlighted passages. With that said, there is a lot of great information in this book regarding nerves/pleasure points, positioning (to make it more comfortable for both parties), etc. Furthermore, actions speak louder than words, and I guarantee that if you read this book and are sincerely interested in pleasuring your partner, you will.