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informative
medium-paced
informative
reflective
Though I “finished” I think I’ll keep flipping back to read this for years to come. Quite a bit of poignant information that has already encouraged more than a few open conversations with my tween.
challenging
funny
hopeful
informative
medium-paced
informative
inspiring
slow-paced
I really enjoyed this book, possibly because my daughter is not quite a tween yet so the pressure is off. It is NOT for authoritarian parents who want to micromanage their kids or demand parental respect more than honesty. The author explains that in this age range (about 10 to 14) tweens have a strong need for independence and are developing their sense of self. At the same time they are both impulsive and insecure, responding badly to even nonverbal criticism. Parents need to simultaneously step back while also maintaining lines of communication. Icard recommends practicing your poker face, or what she calls the "Botox brow," so that when a tween says or does something that sparks an emotional response in you, you can respond in a sympathetic but dispassionate way, asking guiding questions without adding to their personal distress. She advocates the BRIEF model for communication:
B – Begin peacefully – casual, low-stakes, scheduled talks
R – Relate – sympathize, demonstrate your belief that the child is rational and well-intentioned.
I – Interview – ask pertinent, neutral questions. The goal is NOT to try to “catch” the child in lies or exaggerations.
E – Echo – summarize what “it sounds like” the child is feeling or requesting or struggling with.
F – Feedback – if it isn’t a life or death situation, ask if they even want feedback. If they do, then point out where they went wrong and what they might do next time to avoid it. If a punishment is called for, keep it proportionate and relevant.
None of Icard's 14 talks are a single talk that get out of the way and never bring up again. They are more like 14 themes that will be touched upon again and again throughout the tween years. For each talk she provides some general context including more brain science as well as current societal examples, plus a few sample conversations showing how the BRIEF model might be used in different situations and "conversation crashers" - things that parents say that are actually counter productive.
The 14 talks are:
1. The parent-child relationship - Changing the family dynamic so that the tween's whims and
preferences are not primary consideration.
2. Independence - Alone time as well as time away from the family with friends.
3. Changing friendships - Interacting comfortably with lots of peer groups rather than trying to find a single "best friend" like in the movies.
4. Creativity - Personal branding, entrepreneurship, philanthropic projects.
5. Self Care - How to recharge, maintain hygiene, regulate emotions, have greater control over diet and sleep decisions.
6. Fairness - Understanding that judging fairness requires context, following through on rewards and consequences at home.
7. Technology - looking for balance and quality in screen time, understanding age restrictions and data privacy, showing how to investigate new tech before jumping on it.
8. Criticism - the difference between constructive and destructive criticism, commenting on successes rather than flaws whenever possible, teaching tweens to develop self-assurance.
9. Hard work - motivation, burnout, overclocking. Help them pause to celebrate successes. Some seasons are for winning and others are for growing.
10. Money - Explain debt, bills, gifts, and other things that might influence purchasing decisions. Demonstrate gratitude, delayed gratification. Explain marketing algorithms.
11. Sexuality - Porn. Set reasonable limits on permitted physicality in relationships. The ups and downs of having a crush. Consent. The appropriateness of an outfit depends on the setting. How to deal with undesired attention to your appearance. Understanding and supporting LBGTQ+ labels.
12. Reputations - Acting according to how you want to be seen in the future. Shutting down gossip about other people. Making good apologies. NUDES.
13. Impulsivity - Inability to delay gratification vs sensation seeking.
14. Helping others - Crisis tourism vs empathy, being an upstander.
Everything in the book seemed reasonable to me, although putting it into practice is another story. If it is your normal habit to react to things in an animated and emotional way, I don't think you'd be able to just turn this off when dealing with your child. And even if you could, it would seem unnatural and weird.
B – Begin peacefully – casual, low-stakes, scheduled talks
R – Relate – sympathize, demonstrate your belief that the child is rational and well-intentioned.
I – Interview – ask pertinent, neutral questions. The goal is NOT to try to “catch” the child in lies or exaggerations.
E – Echo – summarize what “it sounds like” the child is feeling or requesting or struggling with.
F – Feedback – if it isn’t a life or death situation, ask if they even want feedback. If they do, then point out where they went wrong and what they might do next time to avoid it. If a punishment is called for, keep it proportionate and relevant.
None of Icard's 14 talks are a single talk that get out of the way and never bring up again. They are more like 14 themes that will be touched upon again and again throughout the tween years. For each talk she provides some general context including more brain science as well as current societal examples, plus a few sample conversations showing how the BRIEF model might be used in different situations and "conversation crashers" - things that parents say that are actually counter productive.
The 14 talks are:
1. The parent-child relationship - Changing the family dynamic so that the tween's whims and
preferences are not primary consideration.
2. Independence - Alone time as well as time away from the family with friends.
3. Changing friendships - Interacting comfortably with lots of peer groups rather than trying to find a single "best friend" like in the movies.
4. Creativity - Personal branding, entrepreneurship, philanthropic projects.
5. Self Care - How to recharge, maintain hygiene, regulate emotions, have greater control over diet and sleep decisions.
6. Fairness - Understanding that judging fairness requires context, following through on rewards and consequences at home.
7. Technology - looking for balance and quality in screen time, understanding age restrictions and data privacy, showing how to investigate new tech before jumping on it.
8. Criticism - the difference between constructive and destructive criticism, commenting on successes rather than flaws whenever possible, teaching tweens to develop self-assurance.
9. Hard work - motivation, burnout, overclocking. Help them pause to celebrate successes. Some seasons are for winning and others are for growing.
10. Money - Explain debt, bills, gifts, and other things that might influence purchasing decisions. Demonstrate gratitude, delayed gratification. Explain marketing algorithms.
11. Sexuality - Porn. Set reasonable limits on permitted physicality in relationships. The ups and downs of having a crush. Consent. The appropriateness of an outfit depends on the setting. How to deal with undesired attention to your appearance. Understanding and supporting LBGTQ+ labels.
12. Reputations - Acting according to how you want to be seen in the future. Shutting down gossip about other people. Making good apologies. NUDES.
13. Impulsivity - Inability to delay gratification vs sensation seeking.
14. Helping others - Crisis tourism vs empathy, being an upstander.
Everything in the book seemed reasonable to me, although putting it into practice is another story. If it is your normal habit to react to things in an animated and emotional way, I don't think you'd be able to just turn this off when dealing with your child. And even if you could, it would seem unnatural and weird.
Enjoyed this. Lots of thought provoking topics and I really liked the format of the book where she took you through a 'trial' conversation, as well as how NOT to introduce a topic and why kids this age think the way they do about these topics. Definitely worth the read.
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
Helpful tips on talking to your tween about many different issues.
I read this, unsurprisingly, ahead of my twins turning 14 (they're still not quite there). Some good advice and framing of how best to have difficult conversations. My few criticisms are that it doesn't really deal with twins (few parenting books do), that it felt a little more oriented toward girls, and the 'sample' conversations felt entirely unrealistic in general.
