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3.49 AVERAGE
3.49 AVERAGE
◦ To deny adoption loss is to deny the emotional realit everyone involved.
◦ An adoptee's wounds are hardly ever talked about. They are proverbial pink elephant in the living room.
◦ 1940s adoption agencies told families to not point out differences or even comment on them
◦ Child welfare supervisor and open adoption practitioner James Grit-ter explains in his hope-filled book, The Spirit of Open Adoption, "We must be careful not to sanitize, sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption; it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely per-sonal. It is interior. The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person. Because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe."
◦ Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew
◦ Child welfare supervisor and open adoption practitioner James Grit-ter explains in his hope-filled book, The Spirit of Open Adoption, "We must be careful not to sanitize, sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption; it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely per-sonal. It is interior. The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person. Because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe."
◦ Not every adopted person experiences his loss in the same way or at the same level, of course, just as not every abused child responds the same way to his wounds. One adopted adult in his early thirties told me, "After my wife and I had our first child, my adoptive parents
◦ Another reason adoption loss is not grieved is that the adopted I may outwardly appear "fine." However, talk to many adoptees, they will confirm the fact that they have built high walls around mselves to keep others at bay walls of perfectionism, achieve-nt, and self-sufficiency. What they want and need most, they often 1St.
◦ Don’t talk about it because they are terrified of rejection
◦ This is a good illustration of how adoptees not only need to be given permission to talk about their uncomfortable feelings, they need to be openly invited and encouraged to do so. This is one of the twenty things we will deal with in more detail later in this book.
◦ “Talking with young children about adoption” fisher and Watkins
◦ Newborn will know they are with someone new- different smells, heartbeat, etc. so we won’t be the “safe” person just yet
◦ “…they had no knowledge of how present circumstances can trigger unresolved loss for an adopted child.”
◦ They will feel pain and need to grieve
◦ Adoptees need a safe place to share their feelings about adoption, th positive and negative, and to feel protected and loved uncondi-onally regardless of what comes out of their mouths. As a parent, you can learn how to create this safe environment within your home that your child is free to express grief and conflicting emotions pout being adopted.
◦ Once adoption loss is acknowledged, the prison gates of grief will swing open to a new world. How awesome it will be to see your child reframe his losses and discover that adoption was the very thing that taught him some of life's most precious les-sons. Instead of depression and sadness, there will be joy. Instead of wandering and aimlessness, there will be life with a purpose. Instead of feeling second class, he will know he is loved and accepted just as he is.
◦ Because adoption is a lifelong journey and because sensory memories of the original loss will be triggered throughout life by subse. quent losses, the adoptee will need to learn to be comfortable with her own feelings during various seasons of life. In times of sadness, she must let the tears flow. In times of abandonment/rejection/be. trayal, she must verbalize her anger and grief. She must not hold back.
◦ If you can help your child grieve the original loss from day one, her ability to grieve future losses will be greatly enhanced. What a gift you can give her! In the next chapter, I will share practical ideas on how to help her grieve the losses. But first, let's make sure we have a proper understanding of the process of mourning.
◦ Remember that your child may not view the miracle of adoption as positively as you do. Your child is going through a unique experience that, unless you were adopted yourself, you cannot fully compre hend. Through his anger, your child may be crying out in the only way he knows for reunion with his lost mother and for closeness with you. It is crucial that you come to understand your child's unique journey so you can help him make the connections he needs to heal.
◦ "I detect shame in that view of yourself. Do you? Remember w shame is? It is believing there is something bad about you as a pers Those are the kind of thoughts you must challenge within yourse hope when these kinds of thoughts come to mind, you will sa yourself, 'That thought is not true. I am an incredible person.'"
When a tree is struck by lightning, if it survives, its growth is altered.
A knot may form where the lightning hit.
The growth on one side of the tree may be more vigorous than on another side,
The shape of the tree may change.
An interesting twist or curious split has replaced what might have otherwise been a straight line.
The tree flourishes;
it bears fruit, provides shade,
becomes a home to birds and squirrels.
It is not the same tree it would have been had there not been a lightning storm,
but some say it is more interesting this way.
Few can even remember the event that changed its shape forever.
◦ Remember, acknowledgment of differences is the foundation for healthy self-esteem in your child. It lets her know that her past should not be disregarded, that it is worthwhile and is the key to the present as well as the future.
◦
◦ An adoptee's wounds are hardly ever talked about. They are proverbial pink elephant in the living room.
◦ 1940s adoption agencies told families to not point out differences or even comment on them
◦ Child welfare supervisor and open adoption practitioner James Grit-ter explains in his hope-filled book, The Spirit of Open Adoption, "We must be careful not to sanitize, sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption; it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely per-sonal. It is interior. The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person. Because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe."
◦ Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew
◦ Child welfare supervisor and open adoption practitioner James Grit-ter explains in his hope-filled book, The Spirit of Open Adoption, "We must be careful not to sanitize, sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption; it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely per-sonal. It is interior. The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person. Because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe."
◦ Not every adopted person experiences his loss in the same way or at the same level, of course, just as not every abused child responds the same way to his wounds. One adopted adult in his early thirties told me, "After my wife and I had our first child, my adoptive parents
◦ Another reason adoption loss is not grieved is that the adopted I may outwardly appear "fine." However, talk to many adoptees, they will confirm the fact that they have built high walls around mselves to keep others at bay walls of perfectionism, achieve-nt, and self-sufficiency. What they want and need most, they often 1St.
◦ Don’t talk about it because they are terrified of rejection
◦ This is a good illustration of how adoptees not only need to be given permission to talk about their uncomfortable feelings, they need to be openly invited and encouraged to do so. This is one of the twenty things we will deal with in more detail later in this book.
◦ “Talking with young children about adoption” fisher and Watkins
◦ Newborn will know they are with someone new- different smells, heartbeat, etc. so we won’t be the “safe” person just yet
◦ “…they had no knowledge of how present circumstances can trigger unresolved loss for an adopted child.”
◦ They will feel pain and need to grieve
◦ Adoptees need a safe place to share their feelings about adoption, th positive and negative, and to feel protected and loved uncondi-onally regardless of what comes out of their mouths. As a parent, you can learn how to create this safe environment within your home that your child is free to express grief and conflicting emotions pout being adopted.
◦ Once adoption loss is acknowledged, the prison gates of grief will swing open to a new world. How awesome it will be to see your child reframe his losses and discover that adoption was the very thing that taught him some of life's most precious les-sons. Instead of depression and sadness, there will be joy. Instead of wandering and aimlessness, there will be life with a purpose. Instead of feeling second class, he will know he is loved and accepted just as he is.
◦ Because adoption is a lifelong journey and because sensory memories of the original loss will be triggered throughout life by subse. quent losses, the adoptee will need to learn to be comfortable with her own feelings during various seasons of life. In times of sadness, she must let the tears flow. In times of abandonment/rejection/be. trayal, she must verbalize her anger and grief. She must not hold back.
◦ If you can help your child grieve the original loss from day one, her ability to grieve future losses will be greatly enhanced. What a gift you can give her! In the next chapter, I will share practical ideas on how to help her grieve the losses. But first, let's make sure we have a proper understanding of the process of mourning.
◦ Remember that your child may not view the miracle of adoption as positively as you do. Your child is going through a unique experience that, unless you were adopted yourself, you cannot fully compre hend. Through his anger, your child may be crying out in the only way he knows for reunion with his lost mother and for closeness with you. It is crucial that you come to understand your child's unique journey so you can help him make the connections he needs to heal.
◦ "I detect shame in that view of yourself. Do you? Remember w shame is? It is believing there is something bad about you as a pers Those are the kind of thoughts you must challenge within yourse hope when these kinds of thoughts come to mind, you will sa yourself, 'That thought is not true. I am an incredible person.'"
When a tree is struck by lightning, if it survives, its growth is altered.
A knot may form where the lightning hit.
The growth on one side of the tree may be more vigorous than on another side,
The shape of the tree may change.
An interesting twist or curious split has replaced what might have otherwise been a straight line.
The tree flourishes;
it bears fruit, provides shade,
becomes a home to birds and squirrels.
It is not the same tree it would have been had there not been a lightning storm,
but some say it is more interesting this way.
Few can even remember the event that changed its shape forever.
◦ Remember, acknowledgment of differences is the foundation for healthy self-esteem in your child. It lets her know that her past should not be disregarded, that it is worthwhile and is the key to the present as well as the future.
◦
As a child who comes from a giant family, whom many are adopted, this book helped me realize that the way I felt on the inside, the void I felt, wasn't necessarily wrong and that I didn't need to feel like I had to fix myself in order to be wanted. It also helped me understand a lot about myself and my other adoptive siblings. Are all adopted children like what she describes in the book? No. But what this book did was give me answers and empowered me to speak about things I had been told all my life that God would heal. Because of this insight, I was able to start to process through how I felt on the inside and grow from what I've learned making me a better person. I think everyone should approach this with an open mind and understand that no not every adopted child is like this, but yes, open the line of communication and listen to a hurting heart of adopted children.
Honestly, this is one of my favorite adoption books I have read so far. My husband and I are in the middle of the process and a lot of the fears and nerves I had were put to ease from reading this book.
I highly recommend it to anyone thinking about adopting, waiting to adopt or have already adopted.
I highly recommend it to anyone thinking about adopting, waiting to adopt or have already adopted.
A good resource for anyone touched by adoption! Obviously, not everything discussed in this book will apply to every adoptee and it isn't an all inclusive list. Sherrie highlights common issues that are often overlooked, especially by those unfamiliar with adoption. I consider myself and siblings to be very fortunate in our adoption situations, but that doesn't mean adoption hasn't impacted us emotionally, and this book concisely verbalizes feelings I've had but couldn't articulate. If you have an adoptee in your life, please consider adding this to your "to read" list, it isn't just for adoptive parents!
I am adopted. I have lived this life. I think that the author makes very good points and anyone considering adoption should read this book. However, I don't think that every adopted child has all of these issues. I think that the author is going over board, and she is blaming every issue she ever had on the fact that she was adopted as an infant and knew about it. I was in the same position and I realize as a grown adult that not everything stemmed from my adoption. I really think that the only beneficial way to read this book is to first talk to another adoptee and hear that this is not the whole truth. It makes me so angry, but like I said before at least it was somewhat accurate.
Ok, so as I am preparing myself to become an adoptive parent I have been reading books. This was on the list recommended by the adoption agency I am working with. I am sure it was on there for a reason at one point in time, but it probably needs to be reevaluated and something else found. I am sure there are other books written by an adoptee published in the last 15 years that would be more relevant that this late 90s published mess. This woman obviously has her own unresolved issues toward her adoption. Maybe this was an exercise put forth by her therapist. Maybe she thought it would help herself work through her grief. But from the view point of the adoptive parent that she was supposedly writing this for, it didn't help me. Did she have some good points about what might be in an adoptee mind, sure. But she just piled on all these negative thoughts but provided no real ways for adoptive parents to respond. I know not all problems can be "fixed" but there are certainly tools out there that could be useful to pass on. And the writing was just plain horrible. It was like high school term paper. All sound bites, no substance. Please, if you are in my position as a soon to be adoptive parent, don't read this book. It won't leave you with any good feelings.
Overall, this was a difficult book to get through. I didn't like the implication that every adoptive family is one who is not capable of having biological children. I also didn't appreciate the assumption that all adoptive families have disdain towards biological families. There were a lot of generalizations put on adoptive parents that I found myself not identifying with. There were small tidbits of knowledge that might be helpful but I generally found the book somewhat degrading and very generalized.
I hope this review makes sense as I try to gather my thoughts.
This book's title was not what I thought it would be. I thought this book would address different things to help ease the transition for adoptive children and adoptive parents. The first two thirds of this book was terrible and I honestly wanted to stop reading. As a new adoptive parent who is starting the process, this book didn't ease my mind or give me tools but rather scared me into thinking that this relationship with my adopted child some day would be all negative.
As someone who has studied children and psychology, I understood how loss encompasses the three groups: the birthparents, the child, and the adoptive parents. However, I felt the author was beating a dead horse with the first two thirds of the book by saying just how negative the child will feel.
This review has two stars because the one redeeming quality was the last third of the book. The author provided specific scenarios along with tools that the adoptive parents can use. I loved this part of the book! I was highlighting left and right. I honestly felt much better with this last part because I felt that I could put away some of these ideas and tools for future reference. However, I would NOT recommend this book for someone who is just starting the process. There is another book that I've read that address the same issues and ideas but under a much more positive tone. I'm sure there even more books that are better than this one.
I hope that I haven't offended anyone but please read this with the mindset that it is from my point of view; which is also the view of someone who is in the early stages of adoption. I'm sure there are parents who have adopted that love this book. Maybe I can re-read this book and have a completely different outlook; but this book was so painful for me to read that I think I would rather find a different book to pick up before I pick this one up again.
This book's title was not what I thought it would be. I thought this book would address different things to help ease the transition for adoptive children and adoptive parents. The first two thirds of this book was terrible and I honestly wanted to stop reading. As a new adoptive parent who is starting the process, this book didn't ease my mind or give me tools but rather scared me into thinking that this relationship with my adopted child some day would be all negative.
As someone who has studied children and psychology, I understood how loss encompasses the three groups: the birthparents, the child, and the adoptive parents. However, I felt the author was beating a dead horse with the first two thirds of the book by saying just how negative the child will feel.
This review has two stars because the one redeeming quality was the last third of the book. The author provided specific scenarios along with tools that the adoptive parents can use. I loved this part of the book! I was highlighting left and right. I honestly felt much better with this last part because I felt that I could put away some of these ideas and tools for future reference. However, I would NOT recommend this book for someone who is just starting the process. There is another book that I've read that address the same issues and ideas but under a much more positive tone. I'm sure there even more books that are better than this one.
I hope that I haven't offended anyone but please read this with the mindset that it is from my point of view; which is also the view of someone who is in the early stages of adoption. I'm sure there are parents who have adopted that love this book. Maybe I can re-read this book and have a completely different outlook; but this book was so painful for me to read that I think I would rather find a different book to pick up before I pick this one up again.
There were a few chapters that I felt made good points and made me think, but overall I found this really hard to read and take seriously. The author used so many labored metaphors and similes. Everything was compared to "a sparkling gem added to an already beautiful diamond necklace" or "a pocketful of pearls that you carry with you always." It was so unnecessary.
I was also irritated by the fact that her points were mostly based on anecdotes and her own experiences. She made it seem like it was a foregone conclusion that an adopted child would have horrible difficulties and never quite feel whole, no matter what a parent did. I believe that adopted children generally have things to work through, some more than others, but she made it sound like every adopted child would end up as a stripper with an eating disorder. She was just a bit melodramatic for me.
I was also irritated by the fact that her points were mostly based on anecdotes and her own experiences. She made it seem like it was a foregone conclusion that an adopted child would have horrible difficulties and never quite feel whole, no matter what a parent did. I believe that adopted children generally have things to work through, some more than others, but she made it sound like every adopted child would end up as a stripper with an eating disorder. She was just a bit melodramatic for me.
As somebody interested in adoption, but not yet a parent, I felt this was very interesting and informational. It confirmed my beliefs, such as how you should NEVER keep the child's past from them. You should not try to smooth over racial or cultural differences if it's apparent your cultures are different. Don't teach them that their feelings aren't valid and celebrate them for who they are. I liked it brought up a variety of questions and answered with the experiences of many adoptees, the author being adopted as well.