Reviews

Acts of Desperation by Megan Nolan

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raf08's review against another edition

reflective tense medium-paced

3.75

he seemed undeniably whole, as though his world was contained within himself.

His body would become a site of prayer for me, a place where I could forget about my own living flesh and be only with his.

Meaning, not so much that I take pleasure in it, but: I choose it.

In fact, I wanted to want them, would have loved to live a life like that. Or rather I would have loved to appear to live a life like that.

We touched each other with such care and delicacy, as though afraid to break the new thing we were to one another.

I was angry at having been made real in that way against my will.

Being in love feels like nothing so much as hope;

One of the saddest things to feel is that nothing in the world is new, that you have exhausted all your interactions with it.

Couples will often disappear together for months in their beginning stages, which is not just about lust but also about building.

both me and monstrously not-me.

How can I maintain consistent feelings towards a changing thing

That the million sensitive places which cause you to feel pain can also be sensitive to pleasure.

How dare you? I want to scream at her, on the one hand; I love you so much! I’m sorry, on the other.

Every moment of my day was saturated by his absence,

Perhaps I had always been as violent as a man.

If he got something out of me, I was taking something from him, too. I was taking away his ability to live without me easily.

but you don’t hate me in the right way.

There may have been a time once when Ciaran was capable of saying, ‘I hate you for leaving me, for leaving me alone when I was a child,’ but if such a time had existed it had long since passed.

How lucky I have been that so much of my pain is from fearing the loss of what I already have, instead of suffering the absence entirely

It was difficult to lie to my father. He knew when I was lying but couldn’t bring himself to say so outright.

My father was one of the few anchors I had to myself. When I didn’t know who I was at a given moment I could think of him and count the years back to the start. When I didn’t know who I was I could at least think of him and say, I am his.

I needed to see my father. If I saw him before anything happened then things would be OK.

He didn’t look ill, but he looked old.

‘Everything’s OK,’ he said. ‘And if it’s not, we’ll take care of it and then it will be.’

I was ashamed and for all the other things I had been deaf to,

My dad was always able to save me from anything, no matter how reckless or inexplicable, he was always able to save me from anything but myself.

But it was enough, or almost, to know that he was alive and that he loved me.

I’ll want to remember what it was like to have a body that couldn’t be denied or regarded with ambivalence. I’ll miss all of it, even the secrets, even the lies.

I wanted him to touch me gently sometimes and harshly at others, and for us both always to know, without asking, which one was right in that moment.

There would be no end to it unless I made one myself.

Each time it happens I have to restrain myself from screaming in their faces to prove I am not what they believe me to be.

The comedian John Belushi once said, ‘I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can’t I get some pleasure for myself?’

But that was all right. That would follow.

crazyloser280's review

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dark emotional reflective sad tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.25

shanlaz's review

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challenging dark emotional hopeful informative medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

aurandlindsey's review

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challenging dark emotional fast-paced

4.0

literarycrushes's review against another edition

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4.0

Acts of Desperation by Maggie Nolan is a darkly intimate account of a toxic relationship told from the perspective of an unnamed 20-something in Dublin. She meets the beautiful but cold Ciaran at a gallery opening, and their relationship quickly takes shape. As we learn more about our narrator pre-Ciaran, we observe her tendencies toward self-destruction (tw: ED, self-harm, sexual abuse). As their relationship becomes all-consuming, the reader watches her increasingly desperate need to please him at any cost.
The novel was a harrowing account of what it’s like to be in a toxic relationship. The reader is often left wondering WHY she would subject herself to the whims of such an obviously hateful man, but I think Nolan excels at getting us into her mindset and explaining the psychology behind her decisions. Nolan’s descriptions of the narrator’s addictions, her constant and relentless desire for MORE, were especially well-done.
One word that popped up throughout the book was ‘endure.’ There was the idea that if only she could endure just a bit more, she would achieve the thing she craves more than anything else: LOVE. Of course, this goal is unachievable because the love she craves is a placeholder for what she really craves, which is to be seen. Seen for who she is, even as she is still discovering herself. Brilliant.