You need to sign in or sign up before continuing.
Take a photo of a barcode or cover
informative
slow-paced
An interesting but somewhat dated users guide to living with someone who has borderline personality disorder.
Very helpful. I married into this situation (not my wife, but someone in her immediate family), and this book was incredibly helpful in learning to understand how this person thinks and ways that we can potentially coexist. I'm not going to go into details because it's still very private, but if you're in a similar situation to me where you love someone who loves someone that is very probably BPD (undiagnosed diagnosed technically, but 7 of the 9 symptoms are met), I would very highly recommend this book as a way of gaining better perspective.
Lots of examples of interactions and behaviors. Audiobook was 8 hours and felt like it went pretty quickly.
Things that get in the way of listening: preoccupation with your own point, distracting thoughts, deciding that you already know what the speaker is going to say, twisting the speaker's message to fit your expectations.
Ways to show that you are listening: being silent, pausing before speaking, making eye contact unless doing so would be too aggressive, physically turning toward the person, uncrossing your arms, nodding when appropriate.
When restating what the speaker said, paraphrase rather than interpret.
To people with BPD, if an explanation feels right, it is right. They don't challenge their interpretations of events. Their interpretations of other people's actions and behaviors are "correct." Facts that don't fit with a person with BPD's theories may be denied or ignored. They take it personally when you try to correct their perception of events. They feel it is a direct criticism of them, feeling like you are calling them wrong or bad.
People with BPD are emotionally immature, childlike.
When setting boundaries and expectations with someone with BPD, be specific and introduce them slowly. One at a time.
Don't deny or invalidate their feelings. Even if they don't make sense to you, they make sense to them. When discussing the events that precipitated the emotions that don't make sense to you, talk with "my reality" statements, which clarify your perception of events, and your feelings about those events. Don't justify, over-explain, or debate. "I understand that you feel this way, but I see it differently."
When dealing with in-the-moment conflicts and escalations, talk about how events and their behavior are affecting you emotionally, how you are feeling. If you're trying to suggest a shift in behavior from them (stop yelling at me, etc.) mention how you can still have a good time (the event/experience isn't irrevocable ruined.)
If the person with BPD is resistant or resentful of your boundaries, don't say that your boundaries are good or justified. Just that they are what you want. Ask them to respect your feelings, even if they aren't how they would feel in your position.
You are not acting against the person with BPD; you are acting for yourself.
Parents with BPD may need their children to be just like them, and are threatened when children have different feelings or opinions. Also common in people with narcissistic personality disorder.
Distortion campaigns: character assassination; person with BPD tells other people that someone is a bad person, trying to make that someone seem unreliable, unfair, unsafe, etc.
Things that get in the way of listening: preoccupation with your own point, distracting thoughts, deciding that you already know what the speaker is going to say, twisting the speaker's message to fit your expectations.
Ways to show that you are listening: being silent, pausing before speaking, making eye contact unless doing so would be too aggressive, physically turning toward the person, uncrossing your arms, nodding when appropriate.
When restating what the speaker said, paraphrase rather than interpret.
To people with BPD, if an explanation feels right, it is right. They don't challenge their interpretations of events. Their interpretations of other people's actions and behaviors are "correct." Facts that don't fit with a person with BPD's theories may be denied or ignored. They take it personally when you try to correct their perception of events. They feel it is a direct criticism of them, feeling like you are calling them wrong or bad.
People with BPD are emotionally immature, childlike.
When setting boundaries and expectations with someone with BPD, be specific and introduce them slowly. One at a time.
Don't deny or invalidate their feelings. Even if they don't make sense to you, they make sense to them. When discussing the events that precipitated the emotions that don't make sense to you, talk with "my reality" statements, which clarify your perception of events, and your feelings about those events. Don't justify, over-explain, or debate. "I understand that you feel this way, but I see it differently."
When dealing with in-the-moment conflicts and escalations, talk about how events and their behavior are affecting you emotionally, how you are feeling. If you're trying to suggest a shift in behavior from them (stop yelling at me, etc.) mention how you can still have a good time (the event/experience isn't irrevocable ruined.)
If the person with BPD is resistant or resentful of your boundaries, don't say that your boundaries are good or justified. Just that they are what you want. Ask them to respect your feelings, even if they aren't how they would feel in your position.
You are not acting against the person with BPD; you are acting for yourself.
Parents with BPD may need their children to be just like them, and are threatened when children have different feelings or opinions. Also common in people with narcissistic personality disorder.
Distortion campaigns: character assassination; person with BPD tells other people that someone is a bad person, trying to make that someone seem unreliable, unfair, unsafe, etc.
I’m on a magical mystery tour of various mental health topics and this book provided a lot of insight into BPD as well as cleaning up some common misconceptions that I had unwittingly adopted. It’s a devastating disorder for those who suffer from it and those whose lives cross paths with its sufferers.
fast-paced
This starts off with a list of questions to ask yourself that are just examples of being gaslighted, manipulated, and abused. Then goes into stories of extremes and negatives. This book makes people with BPD inherently abusive, which isn’t true. I’m not saying that unstable people aren’t abusive, but this approach is misleading. If you’re in an abusive relationship, please get out in whatever way is safest for you.
There is some insight into the mind of someone with BPD, but this still comes off so biased. With the third edition, Mason has included Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how someone can have comorbidities with these two disorders. BUT this book doesn’t go over the different types of Borderline Personality Disorder, especially Quiet BPD which is the most common. They also use their own classifications: unconventional and conventional types.
To be honest you can learn so much by listening to people talk about their own experiences and disorders on TikTok:
If you want to learn about individuals with NPD by someone with the diagnosis, go follow Lee Hammock @mentalhealness
To learn more about BPD from someone with the diagnosis, go follow @tanniblelecter and Sabrina Flores @withlovesabrinaflores
To learn from someone diagnosed with both NPD & BPD, go follow Kylee Rackam @kyleerackam
If you want to learn more about mental disorders, go follow Made of Millions @madeofmillions
Psychologists, Therapists, and other professionals:
BraidMD @docamen
Shrink Think with Dr. Jen @shrink.think
Dr. Liz @theredheadpaychologist
If you need help identifying abusive and unhealthy behaviors or relationships then I think this will help you. This does touch on boundary building and building your self esteem, but I feel you can find other self-help books and memoirs that would be much more beneficial.
This book also touches on reframing how you speak to someone with BPD and gives scenarios (that’s throughout the book), which aren’t bad. But if you lack communication skills please research and read on forms of communication, general psychology, and figure out what you don’t want in a relationship.
A lot of individuals with this disorder, if not all, form this from childhood trauma and abuse they endured growing up. This book does not touch on the fact that people with this disorder can go into remission. They need a safe place and good support system for this to happen.
I did skim through some of this because a lot of it is very outdated and only focuses on an extreme version of bpd, since it doesn’t go over the different types you don’t get any information or scenarios on how to deal with those other classifications.
They also don’t mention a type of psychotherapy called ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) which has been helpful to understanding your feelings and learning how to reframe your values and adjusting your behaviors. This has been a powerful therapy for those with borderline disorder.
This book was disappointing to say the least.
Hard to rate, since it advocates for continued relationships with abusers rather than going non-contact, so I found it personally lacking in relevance. However, the book provided a well-rounded account of BPD. I have to say, many of the 1* reviews misconstrue the book and are clearly written by people who haven't read it or purposefully misunderstood it, since in my opinion if anything it is overly sympathetic towards borderlines who openly admit to/revel in abusive behaviour towards their intimate partners and children. Despite what these reviews claim, the book maintains a respectful tone and always encourages understanding their interpretations and behaviour. After a while its message felt close to enabling, in my opinion. It may be because I can't see my way to forgiving a mother who beats her toddler because she herself is upset, but
3.5 ⭐️. Super interesting disorder and effects on loved ones. Not recommended for people who have BPD as a giant trigger warning.
I knew going into this that I would have philosophical differences with the authors on the subject matter, but wanted to try to set those aside and filter for useful tidbits. There were useful tidbits, and I may try again sometime, but I didn’t have the patience this go round.
I had the sense that they have more complex perspectives, but to try to make the info accessible to a broad audience and try to write a book that could possibly motivate people to rehumanize themselves and correct for the over-accommodation of the identified problem family member, they at times swing into dehumanizing the identified BPD person in ways that took more work for me to untangle than I was willing to do.
I am also deeply skeptical anytime there is a narrative of a baby being “born wrong” (the authors did not use that phrase, but it is the trope at play) to innocent clueless victimized parents. Perhaps I am naive. But come on. We’re not even going to talk about generational trauma?? Or neurotype???? Or be curious about the parents’ vibes? Not even to blame them outright, but to explore how their baby’s behavior impacts them and influences their response to the baby which in turn shapes the baby???? I will note— It is possible that they were starting soft and make things more complex later. I only got 1/4 of the way through before deciding I didn’t have patience for something so committed to simplicity and the medical model. It sounded like they were laying the setup to say “it’s not your fault, your baby was born an asshole, now you know the name of their disease and can get them the treatment they need,” and I knew I could Not tolerate hearing that, so I quit while I was ahead! I will stick with reading about CPTSD and somatics for now!
I had the sense that they have more complex perspectives, but to try to make the info accessible to a broad audience and try to write a book that could possibly motivate people to rehumanize themselves and correct for the over-accommodation of the identified problem family member, they at times swing into dehumanizing the identified BPD person in ways that took more work for me to untangle than I was willing to do.
I am also deeply skeptical anytime there is a narrative of a baby being “born wrong” (the authors did not use that phrase, but it is the trope at play) to innocent clueless victimized parents. Perhaps I am naive. But come on. We’re not even going to talk about generational trauma?? Or neurotype???? Or be curious about the parents’ vibes? Not even to blame them outright, but to explore how their baby’s behavior impacts them and influences their response to the baby which in turn shapes the baby???? I will note— It is possible that they were starting soft and make things more complex later. I only got 1/4 of the way through before deciding I didn’t have patience for something so committed to simplicity and the medical model. It sounded like they were laying the setup to say “it’s not your fault, your baby was born an asshole, now you know the name of their disease and can get them the treatment they need,” and I knew I could Not tolerate hearing that, so I quit while I was ahead! I will stick with reading about CPTSD and somatics for now!
informative
fast-paced