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Gottman's principles are tried-and-true, not just focused on communication (while that is very important). I found this book helpful for any of my close relationships and welcomed his evidence-based perspective.
There were some good bits, other parts that felt a little dumbed down or oversimplified. Deep wounds from our past that cause us to cope in unhealthy ways won't be transformed by simple communication hacks. I think most of what Gottman presents as solutions are supplemental to doing individual growth and healing, along with improving emotional intelligence.
I wanted to dislike this book. The title looks like a bald-faced rip-off of Stephen Covey and the author seems to think he's the only person who has ever had a profound thought about marriage. Gottman proclaims that his ideas are different, but there are many similarities between his prescriptions and those of the therapists he disdains. Still, my full head of righteous indignation was wasted, because Gottman won me over by the end.
First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a series of parenting classes taught by our community's own black-belt of child raising, Linda Jessup. While the focus was parenting, the skills and concepts are the same for marriage (actually they also work at the office, hiring contractors for your house, and many other situations). In these classes I learned many of the skills mentioned in the book, and I can honestly say much of the happiness in my life derives from those early classes.
Anyone who has talked to me about relationships has heard me talk about what I call the "OTMC" ("One True Method of Communication"). I learned it from Linda, but I found it to be one of the few consistent threads in all the self-help books I’ve read. The OTMC goes as follows: "When you do _____, I feel ____". It takes some practice, and can easily be misused (things like, "When you act like an idiot, I feel like strangling you" are not the OTMC!), but it really does work. While Gottman initially distances himself from the OTMC, he comes around eventually and I did learn a lot from his treatment ("re-learned" is more accurate). Gottman does a good job explaining that there is more to the OTMC than the sentence structure. These include avoiding what he calls the "harsh startup", and avoiding the words "always" and "never".
Linda used to say, "It's easier to build a relationship on respect than on love." Gottman expands on this, and I think he's spot on. He says he can tell the state of a couple's marriage in three minutes of observation. At first I thought that statement was arrogant and far-fetched, but as I read, and remembered Linda's saying, plus the observations I've made of couples I know, I now think it's probably true. Another area of agreement between Linda and Gottman is the concept of the "emotional bank account". I particularly like his concept of "letting your partner influence you". I also liked the idea of "love maps" and the exercises which probe how much you know of the inner thoughts and history of your partner.
I think Linda would approve of this book. What I'm not so sure about is whether you can learn these skills effectively from a book. Gottman gives many examples of untrained partners in his book, but that’s not a complete substitute for a trained instructor who can find examples in your own life. Also, the exercises you need to perform to become "trained" are likely to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, so book readers may skip them. In a class, everybody is embarrassed, but you get through it.
First, some background. Early in my own marriage I took a series of parenting classes taught by our community's own black-belt of child raising, Linda Jessup. While the focus was parenting, the skills and concepts are the same for marriage (actually they also work at the office, hiring contractors for your house, and many other situations). In these classes I learned many of the skills mentioned in the book, and I can honestly say much of the happiness in my life derives from those early classes.
Anyone who has talked to me about relationships has heard me talk about what I call the "OTMC" ("One True Method of Communication"). I learned it from Linda, but I found it to be one of the few consistent threads in all the self-help books I’ve read. The OTMC goes as follows: "When you do _____, I feel ____". It takes some practice, and can easily be misused (things like, "When you act like an idiot, I feel like strangling you" are not the OTMC!), but it really does work. While Gottman initially distances himself from the OTMC, he comes around eventually and I did learn a lot from his treatment ("re-learned" is more accurate). Gottman does a good job explaining that there is more to the OTMC than the sentence structure. These include avoiding what he calls the "harsh startup", and avoiding the words "always" and "never".
Linda used to say, "It's easier to build a relationship on respect than on love." Gottman expands on this, and I think he's spot on. He says he can tell the state of a couple's marriage in three minutes of observation. At first I thought that statement was arrogant and far-fetched, but as I read, and remembered Linda's saying, plus the observations I've made of couples I know, I now think it's probably true. Another area of agreement between Linda and Gottman is the concept of the "emotional bank account". I particularly like his concept of "letting your partner influence you". I also liked the idea of "love maps" and the exercises which probe how much you know of the inner thoughts and history of your partner.
I think Linda would approve of this book. What I'm not so sure about is whether you can learn these skills effectively from a book. Gottman gives many examples of untrained partners in his book, but that’s not a complete substitute for a trained instructor who can find examples in your own life. Also, the exercises you need to perform to become "trained" are likely to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, so book readers may skip them. In a class, everybody is embarrassed, but you get through it.
This was a great book- it didn’t translate well into audiobook which is how I read most of my books so I’d definitely recommend getting a hard copy as much of it is like a workbook. After reading it I don’t feel like I know seven principles- more like how to fight in a healthy way and how to really get to know your partner. Great book altogether though.
informative
read this one a year or so ago. recommended in a baby group and thought i'd see what it was about. not necessarily for relationships that are in trouble, but just for every relationship. it's about learning how we react to things and how we perceive things and how we can maybe even see someone's elses views every now and again. this was my first audiobook, but i'd love to actually read this again and again every few years to make sure our relationship is still what it is--how it's growing and becoming something new/different and how we can make things better/stronger/stay the same. it's such a work in progress, these relationship things. so it's good to check in with ourselves and our partners. this book helps us realize that.
I liked the first half (third?) of this book - and completely gave up on the second half.
In the first part: I appreciated the author's thesis (it's not "all about communication," but rather about the friendship you've built together + the communication), and I enjoyed thinking about love maps. I found the Four Horsemen to be a useful tool to think about and rectify communication issues.
Then the book went downhill. While it still included some useful concepts, I felt it fell quickly into over-gendered stereotypes (the "men, let women make decisions" chapter felt overly simplified and inane to me). The heteronormativity started to bother me too as the book went on - years of research in a Seattle lab and a book updated in 2015... and not a single example of a couple that is gay or that doesn't fall into classic male-female stereotypes?
It could have also been clearer that I'm not really the target audience. It was sold to me (in the preface and by others) as a classic book to prepare for marriage. But I think this is better recommended to already-married or longer-term couples that are experiencing issues or drastic life changes (e.g., the birth of their first child).
In the first part: I appreciated the author's thesis (it's not "all about communication," but rather about the friendship you've built together + the communication), and I enjoyed thinking about love maps. I found the Four Horsemen to be a useful tool to think about and rectify communication issues.
Then the book went downhill. While it still included some useful concepts, I felt it fell quickly into over-gendered stereotypes (the "men, let women make decisions" chapter felt overly simplified and inane to me). The heteronormativity started to bother me too as the book went on - years of research in a Seattle lab and a book updated in 2015... and not a single example of a couple that is gay or that doesn't fall into classic male-female stereotypes?
It could have also been clearer that I'm not really the target audience. It was sold to me (in the preface and by others) as a classic book to prepare for marriage. But I think this is better recommended to already-married or longer-term couples that are experiencing issues or drastic life changes (e.g., the birth of their first child).
I learned some of the concepts Gottman talks about in a weekend seminar I attended with my husband, and the book expands upon them. We found them useful in our married life.
Read this book before we got married! I think it would be great for anyone in a serious relationship.
I can't fully describe the impression this book has left. I've never been married, however many of the principles contained within this work still apply to relationships in general. For anyone struggling in a relationship, this can help you, or at the very least, give you an outlet to determine the end of gridlock between you and your partner. What rings within me the most is, "You should embrace the things that make you happy, rather than putting the negative aspects on a pedastal."
This book was reccomended to me by a partner. Instead of embracing the suggestion, I let it sit on my shelf for over a month, she then broke up with me. I read it post heartbreak. It gave me such a profound understanding of her, and how she operates within a relationship. These are things I should have traversed when we were still together. I think we could embrace the positives of our relationship and quell the doubts. The flame between us can ignite once more, but this time flourish. For now, the best I can do is move forward now, and hope I approach relationships as she did with me.
This book was reccomended to me by a partner. Instead of embracing the suggestion, I let it sit on my shelf for over a month, she then broke up with me. I read it post heartbreak. It gave me such a profound understanding of her, and how she operates within a relationship. These are things I should have traversed when we were still together. I think we could embrace the positives of our relationship and quell the doubts. The flame between us can ignite once more, but this time flourish. For now, the best I can do is move forward now, and hope I approach relationships as she did with me.