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I feel like I could just as easily defend a two-star rating as a four-star one. On one hand, I found so much of this book to be almost comically obvious (eg. "If your spouse comes home with a cloud over their head, try not to take it personally. He or she probably just had a bad day.") 80% of the book can be boiled down to one sentence, paraphrased from page 21: happy marriages are based on mutual respect. Additionally, so much of this book was painfully heteronormative and entrenched in gender roles. I would not recommend it for same-gender couples, or even for straight couples who do not fit into traditional gender roles. I also did not like the assertion that you should always be on your spouse's side no matter what. This did not fit with my value for challenging each other and being made aware of areas for improvement.
On the other hand, the book challenged some of my basic assumptions about relationships. Namely, that communication is the most basic tenet of a happy marriage and that I should strive to resolve any conflicts that arise. In fact, according to Dr. Gottman, 69% of conflicts are not resolvable. I also appreciated that the strategies he describes, especially in regards to "repair attempts," are applicable not only to romantic relationships. I did find myself consciously trying to make more repair attempts in conversations and on the lookout for attempts made by my partner. I suggest that you don't dismiss this book just because you are in a happy relationship; I liked being reassured of the things that we are doing right and I found his last principle, finding shared meaning, to be a great opportunity for discussion and to solidify, or at least bring into consciousness, the things that are right.
Overall, I have a lot of respect and appreciation for Dr. Gottman and this is a good book if you're interested in more of the theory and his scientific research, though it is balanced with practical and accessible advice. However, I personally get more out of his social media and even his other book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, which I found to have a lot of cross-applicable ideas.
On the other hand, the book challenged some of my basic assumptions about relationships. Namely, that communication is the most basic tenet of a happy marriage and that I should strive to resolve any conflicts that arise. In fact, according to Dr. Gottman, 69% of conflicts are not resolvable. I also appreciated that the strategies he describes, especially in regards to "repair attempts," are applicable not only to romantic relationships. I did find myself consciously trying to make more repair attempts in conversations and on the lookout for attempts made by my partner. I suggest that you don't dismiss this book just because you are in a happy relationship; I liked being reassured of the things that we are doing right and I found his last principle, finding shared meaning, to be a great opportunity for discussion and to solidify, or at least bring into consciousness, the things that are right.
Overall, I have a lot of respect and appreciation for Dr. Gottman and this is a good book if you're interested in more of the theory and his scientific research, though it is balanced with practical and accessible advice. However, I personally get more out of his social media and even his other book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, which I found to have a lot of cross-applicable ideas.
Loved the concise and useful information based on the Dr.s Gottmans’ research but would love to see the book edited to include more diverse couples in the examples. Representation matters.
It's the third book on the subject I read over the last year and the one I liked the least. This book provides a lengthy formula for a happy marriage according to the author who has enormous experience in saving broken relationships. I found some good moments in the first half that I enjoyed but the book overall didn't resonate with me. Too many exercises, too many depressing examples for people who are not even trying to be nice to each other.
I found "Mating in Captivity" better because it acknowledges the messy nature of the passion and tension between the partners and "The Five Love Languages" because it talks about nurturing love.
I found "Mating in Captivity" better because it acknowledges the messy nature of the passion and tension between the partners and "The Five Love Languages" because it talks about nurturing love.
My marriage wasn't in trouble or anything when I read it, but this book was unbelievably useful. Informative, life changing, I think that no matter where your marriage is, the information will help make it stronger.
informative
medium-paced
informative
reflective
challenging
hopeful
informative
fast-paced
Highly recommended
This is an amazing book full of practical exercises to help your relationships. While it focuses particularly on the marriage relationship the principles apply to all types of relationships. The great challenge of this book is to put into practice the wisdom found in within its pages. Every married person, and everyone thinking of getting married should read this book.
This is an amazing book full of practical exercises to help your relationships. While it focuses particularly on the marriage relationship the principles apply to all types of relationships. The great challenge of this book is to put into practice the wisdom found in within its pages. Every married person, and everyone thinking of getting married should read this book.
Excellent, useable info. The only reasons why it’s not 5 stars:
The intro and beginning kept touting the Gottmans’ experience and I just wanted to get to the findings. Yep, I understand that you gave the expertise to write this book. Now give me the info.
Not great as an audiobook. A good way to get through the bulk of the material but you’ll still need a hard copy to complete the exercises.
This focused a little too much on husband and wife, which although fine for me, may limit its application and/or appeal to same sex marriage partners. I think it could be edited just a touch to widen the audience.
The intro and beginning kept touting the Gottmans’ experience and I just wanted to get to the findings. Yep, I understand that you gave the expertise to write this book. Now give me the info.
Not great as an audiobook. A good way to get through the bulk of the material but you’ll still need a hard copy to complete the exercises.
This focused a little too much on husband and wife, which although fine for me, may limit its application and/or appeal to same sex marriage partners. I think it could be edited just a touch to widen the audience.
Lots of good discussion questions in here to work through with a partner. But a few of the chapters are a too much, "Men are horrible and need to fix themselves."