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Ok, just "Meh" isn't really helpful. While I felt like this book gave a lot of advice, I didn't find most of it to be particularly personally useful. It didn't delve deeply enough into the assertions to keep my interest very well and the examples were either ridiculous (a guy nearly buys a car with only 300 miles on it, still under warranty but then, because his wife advises him to, he takes it to a mechanic to get it checked out first and finds out that the bumper needs to be replaced so he doesn't buy the car. Whut? I mean, I get that it's a good idea to listen to your wife's advice rather than be all "RAR! I MAN! MAN KNOW ALL ABOUT CARS THROUGH INTUITION" and get it checked out, but seriously? The bumper? The car's got 300 miles on it and it's under warranty) or just generally sexist tripe (Wife is mad at Husband because he leaves his socks on the floor. Husband is mad at Wife because she's so goddamn emotional. Husband is mad at Wife because she keeps spending all of his money on shoes. Wife is mad at Husband because he won't connect emotionally). The author makes sure to point out that, sure, it could be the other way around, but is Wife ever mad at Husband for spending frivolously instead of saving for the future? Is Husband ever mad at Wife for leaving her dirty dishes in the living room? Nope.
That said, there WERE useful things, and I imagine there would have been more useful things if my husband were the sort to be willing to do self-help exercises together, but he isn't. We did get a hearty laugh together over the car example. The one thing that I think will stick with me is the bit where the author points out that, if your house-guest spilled the wine, you wouldn't say "Why are you so clumsy?! Can't you be more careful?!" and that we should try to extend the same kind courtesy to the people we love most.
That said, there WERE useful things, and I imagine there would have been more useful things if my husband were the sort to be willing to do self-help exercises together, but he isn't. We did get a hearty laugh together over the car example. The one thing that I think will stick with me is the bit where the author points out that, if your house-guest spilled the wine, you wouldn't say "Why are you so clumsy?! Can't you be more careful?!" and that we should try to extend the same kind courtesy to the people we love most.
the analysis writing was extremely heteronormative and weird about gender but a helpful collection of tools
I had heard really good stuff about this book, it had been on my to-read list for a long time and even with my high expectations it didn't let me down. Too often books on relationships repeat the same-old standard advice about the importance of communication and spout the old stereotypes on the difference between men and women. Instead this book will tell you that it doesn't really matter how much you argue - as long as you have 5 good moments for every bad one, and as long as you avoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling), turn toward rather than away from your partner, foster fondness and admiration, build a love map, create shared meaning and learn to cope with conflicts than can't be resolved. I highly recommend this book to everyone (whether not you're currently in a romantic relationship).
Some very interesting points and exercises which could be of value in marriage. The book also reinforced actions or behaviors in our marriage that are positive and productive. A little heavy on the amount of exercises. It really requires both spouses to read it in order for any of the principles to be truly effective.
challenging
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
Simple, useful book I had to read in college and held onto. The worksheets are especially helpful but take some time.
informative
medium-paced
Although part of me thinks I shouldn't read so many books about marriage before I'm married (it can be depressing to sift through all the potential problems that are being addressed in these self-help books), I'm also drawn to them because it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of marriage, and I've always been someone for whom research has provided much reassurance and comfort. So, although I might be putting the cart before the horse, I really like to get things right!
As far as self-help/relationship books go, this is of the caliber that I like best -- based on years of sound research with a proven track record. John Gottman is referenced in nearly every relationship book out there, and with good reason. Within a few minutes, he can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay married or not, and he uses the results of all his research to clue couples in on the groundwork they need to lay to avoid such a fate (and how to turn things around if the dangerous "warning signs" do pop up). While some of it seems like common sense, some of it is surprising: such as the finding that some VERY common relationship advice (such as the importance of active listening, needing to share common interests, etc.) doesn't actually have the track record to back it up.
I listened to the audio version of this, and it doesn't translate particularly well to audio. There are a lot of exercises and such in it that you're supposed to stop and do, but the whole point of an audio book is that you can listen to it *while* you're busy with other things (dishes, driving, etc.) So I didn't do any of the exercises, and I spaced out during some of them, but when I did listen, it at least gave me some insight into aspects of myself or my relationship that I might not have looked at in such particular terms otherwise. At any rate, if you're looking for research or advice on marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Gottman, and I hope to continue learning from his work.
As far as self-help/relationship books go, this is of the caliber that I like best -- based on years of sound research with a proven track record. John Gottman is referenced in nearly every relationship book out there, and with good reason. Within a few minutes, he can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay married or not, and he uses the results of all his research to clue couples in on the groundwork they need to lay to avoid such a fate (and how to turn things around if the dangerous "warning signs" do pop up). While some of it seems like common sense, some of it is surprising: such as the finding that some VERY common relationship advice (such as the importance of active listening, needing to share common interests, etc.) doesn't actually have the track record to back it up.
I listened to the audio version of this, and it doesn't translate particularly well to audio. There are a lot of exercises and such in it that you're supposed to stop and do, but the whole point of an audio book is that you can listen to it *while* you're busy with other things (dishes, driving, etc.) So I didn't do any of the exercises, and I spaced out during some of them, but when I did listen, it at least gave me some insight into aspects of myself or my relationship that I might not have looked at in such particular terms otherwise. At any rate, if you're looking for research or advice on marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Gottman, and I hope to continue learning from his work.