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Read for bookclub. great book on marriage. ideas were covered in a chapter of freakenomics. I found a couple tips to strenghten my marriage-- remember to always take HIS side when things go wrong. The time to say 'you could have/should have....' comes later when emotions are cooler. I love this tip.
Initial thoughts: This book isn't just for those who are married but also for those who are planning to marry or maybe even hope to, regardless of whether or not they have a partner. In fact, reading this before marriage could prove to be quite useful in developing communication skills for any sort of relationship — primarily romantic, of course, but also for any close sort of relationship too.
In the beginning, I did feel like Gottman included a great deal of self-praise but considering that this book was first published in 1999 and still is widely circulated today with a revised version does show that he wasn't merely talking himself up.
On a personal level, I've found this book pretty insightful. I'm the sort of person who keeps a lot to herself. Although, I'm also fairly direct, so if something upsets me, I tend to speak up. However, if something upsets me and I'm afraid I'm being unreasonable, I hold back. As a result of reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work with my partner (he actually started it first and asked if I would read it too, so we could discuss some of these ideas), I ended up voicing my displeasure over something that I had downplayed as trivial in my mind. Turns out it did bother me more than I had let on though, and talking through all these feelings allowed him to address them and suggest a compromise that would set my mind at ease. If I hadn't said anything, he would never have guessed what I saw as a problem for me. And while he hates conflict, we realised it's so much better to be uncomfortable with things as early as possible rather than later when these issues have become much more deeply rooted.
Gottman and Silver also included a lot of quizzes and questionnaires that help individuals figure out themselves, encourage couples to know each other more intimately, build on gratitude and affection, and effectively work through conflict. All these are backed up by Gottman's research that has spanned decades. While the book doesn't quite replace a couple's counsellor, I think it does offer a wide range of tools that can definitely help strengthen, or potentially save, relationships.
In the beginning, I did feel like Gottman included a great deal of self-praise but considering that this book was first published in 1999 and still is widely circulated today with a revised version does show that he wasn't merely talking himself up.
On a personal level, I've found this book pretty insightful. I'm the sort of person who keeps a lot to herself. Although, I'm also fairly direct, so if something upsets me, I tend to speak up. However, if something upsets me and I'm afraid I'm being unreasonable, I hold back. As a result of reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work with my partner (he actually started it first and asked if I would read it too, so we could discuss some of these ideas), I ended up voicing my displeasure over something that I had downplayed as trivial in my mind. Turns out it did bother me more than I had let on though, and talking through all these feelings allowed him to address them and suggest a compromise that would set my mind at ease. If I hadn't said anything, he would never have guessed what I saw as a problem for me. And while he hates conflict, we realised it's so much better to be uncomfortable with things as early as possible rather than later when these issues have become much more deeply rooted.
Gottman and Silver also included a lot of quizzes and questionnaires that help individuals figure out themselves, encourage couples to know each other more intimately, build on gratitude and affection, and effectively work through conflict. All these are backed up by Gottman's research that has spanned decades. While the book doesn't quite replace a couple's counsellor, I think it does offer a wide range of tools that can definitely help strengthen, or potentially save, relationships.
This was one of those books that wasn't bad, it just did not click with me. Nothing earth shattering or new.
Never knowing anyone that has a realtionship as unique as I and my husband, I was under a little anxiety wondering "is this normal?" and "are we fighting to much- am I actively listneing ect" and all the other clique advice that run through ones mind when it comes to marriage, be it "never go to bed angry" or " always have dinner on time"
My husband is notorious for what he calls "EGYPTIAN SPICES"
Baisically these spices of life are what in his mind make marriage exciting. baisically the point is to annoy, frustrate or tease your spouse and then laugh as you see them begin to boil. Then just at the tipping point- send in the buffers to cool it down before it gets to heated. buffers in our marriage would mean- tickling, joking or hugging.
I on the other hand have always thought consistant argueing and bickering would equate to unhappy or unsuccessful marriages.
MUCH to my relief after reading this book though is that it isn't how much a couple argue that determines success, it is how they argue and how much Emotional investment they have in eachother.
Case in point; My in-laws argued all the time. His affectionate name for her was Cow or mother of the buffulo. and yet they were happily married till his death.
Anyway this book steers away from the same old advice and offers a wonderful and encouraging perspective. there are even exersizes that you can do as a couple to help strength any area that is weak. I will definately be refering back to this book over time
My husband is notorious for what he calls "EGYPTIAN SPICES"
Baisically these spices of life are what in his mind make marriage exciting. baisically the point is to annoy, frustrate or tease your spouse and then laugh as you see them begin to boil. Then just at the tipping point- send in the buffers to cool it down before it gets to heated. buffers in our marriage would mean- tickling, joking or hugging.
I on the other hand have always thought consistant argueing and bickering would equate to unhappy or unsuccessful marriages.
MUCH to my relief after reading this book though is that it isn't how much a couple argue that determines success, it is how they argue and how much Emotional investment they have in eachother.
Case in point; My in-laws argued all the time. His affectionate name for her was Cow or mother of the buffulo. and yet they were happily married till his death.
Anyway this book steers away from the same old advice and offers a wonderful and encouraging perspective. there are even exersizes that you can do as a couple to help strength any area that is weak. I will definately be refering back to this book over time
Skimmed. Mostly stuff from the other books
Before we begin, I just want to say: my marriage is not in trouble!! While I did complain about my husband on Instagram stories this week (he left a Triscuit box open so they all went stale and I found out as I went to pack my lunch), he is a sweet little lambchop despite the fact that he still leaves peanut butter on the kitchen sponge and doesn't know how to cook besides burgers and noodles.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.
Personally I think every couple should work proactively to always reflect on and improve their relationship. Especially when you both get busy and you're kind of in a routine of life, it's easy to be complacent. And I learn best from books. Even if I don't 100% resonate with a book, I can usually gain perspective and context from pieces of it.
This book goes through the author's experience with many, many couples who took part in his marital studies over years and years. The examples and activities were all great, but what I gained the most from was learning about communication and realizing all the things I did that were wrong, wrong, WRONG.
For example:
A "harsh startup" is when a discussion leads off with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt. Research shows if you begin with a harsh startup, it will end on a negative note even if there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. A harsh startup dooms your discussion to failure. And yes, I have started many a discussion - er, argument - like this.
There are four types of negativity that are lethal to relationships, and I exhibit 3 of the 4 (my husband exhibits the other 1). The book nicknames these the "four horsemen of the apocalypse". They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. It was eye opening to read exactly how and why these cause conversations and communications to fail, and how they can bring down the relationship as a whole - especially over time.
"Repair attempts" are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion - to put the brakes on so flooding (a response to being so overwhelmed by your spouse that you're shell shocked and exhibit physical stress) is prevented. This can be by saying you need a time out from the conversation/argument, or trying to deescalate with a joke or loving gesture. The more contemptuous a couple is with each other, the less likely a repair attempt will work. This is something I immediately resonated with, because I'm someone who wants to calm down if we're having an argument - otherwise I'll just get more and more angry. My husband wants things resolved right then, otherwise he can't focus on anything else. But there's a scientific reason to use repair attempts! 20 minutes is the time it takes for your body to physically calm down.
These are just three examples of big concepts that were able to be boiled down into things that felt manageable. I also loved all the work on discussing solvable vs perpetual problems, and how to respond to each. This is a great book on respect and communication that anyone who's in a partnership can learn from.
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
Takeaway: the most important thing in a marriage is not using communication techniques but the quality of your friendship in the day-to-day.
To make it short: I liked this book (even though I'm not anywhere close to married) because it was full of good advice for making relationships rich. And it was normalising of many types of conflicts that happen in relationships.
The 7 principles:
1) Know each other intimately
2) Cultivate admiration and fondness for partner consciously
3) Turn towards each other and put in daily efforts to connect and do stuff together
4) Men pls don't dominate your partner and give her equal power (yeah it's called something else in the book but seriously that's the point)
5) Solve solvable problems
6) Overcome gridlocked problems - ones that have to do with fundamental differences and dreams
7) Creating shared meaning, values and rituals
I found the concept of flooding also very helpful - and the advice that no matter what's going on if you're flooded you can't register anymore so take a 20-30 minute nervous system break. I like distinguishing between being triggered and being flooded.
What I disliked about the book: the lack of awareness of gender inequalities and the unhelpful clichés about men and women. The suggestion that men don't even need to do half, just enough so his partner doesn't hate him... that's shitty! To be fair to the book, I do think it promotes better husbandry across the political spectrum. But its attempt to make each person take equal responsibility given the power imbalances of the whole country is just unfair.
Also could use more advice on when to actually just break up.
To make it short: I liked this book (even though I'm not anywhere close to married) because it was full of good advice for making relationships rich. And it was normalising of many types of conflicts that happen in relationships.
The 7 principles:
1) Know each other intimately
2) Cultivate admiration and fondness for partner consciously
3) Turn towards each other and put in daily efforts to connect and do stuff together
4) Men pls don't dominate your partner and give her equal power (yeah it's called something else in the book but seriously that's the point)
5) Solve solvable problems
6) Overcome gridlocked problems - ones that have to do with fundamental differences and dreams
7) Creating shared meaning, values and rituals
I found the concept of flooding also very helpful - and the advice that no matter what's going on if you're flooded you can't register anymore so take a 20-30 minute nervous system break. I like distinguishing between being triggered and being flooded.
What I disliked about the book: the lack of awareness of gender inequalities and the unhelpful clichés about men and women. The suggestion that men don't even need to do half, just enough so his partner doesn't hate him... that's shitty! To be fair to the book, I do think it promotes better husbandry across the political spectrum. But its attempt to make each person take equal responsibility given the power imbalances of the whole country is just unfair.
Also could use more advice on when to actually just break up.
Not that I think the advise is bad or that it isn't useful or that the exercises couldn't be helpful, but, it, was, just...lacking. Like it was the start of a great book but that it didn't expand far enough. It also felt so limited, the examples were all traditional style relationships. There weren't any deviations, not a stay at home dad or a long distance relationship or a workaholic mom or an emotional dad in the bunch, just the stereotypical version, and that just didn't cover enough options for me.