You need to sign in or sign up before continuing.
Take a photo of a barcode or cover
challenging
emotional
informative
medium-paced
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
fast-paced
challenging
informative
inspiring
fast-paced
hopeful
informative
reflective
I'm confused by John Gottman. His work is mentioned respectfully by sociologists and other therapists: he went into his Love Lab and figured out what makes relationships fall apart, it's kind of revolutionary. And then the big insight is that if people get really worked up about mundane disagreements to the point that they're making shitty personal attacks on their partner or shutting down and not engaging in the discussion, the marriage is probably not going to work. It's less a primer on how to make marriage work and more on how to have conversations like an adult.
Which I mean fine, I'm sure there's a market for guides on interpersonal relations for the emotionally stunted. I just hope that the advice in here is tailored to be comprehensible to that audience and Gottman doesn't actually believe a lot of this stuff. Otherwise this is more interesting as a meta-psychology text on the dysfunctional relationship ideas a respected researcher actually holds. I dunno, maybe I'm the crazy one: he's the professor and I'm just some guy. But he's also from a different generation, and I feel like a lot of the practical advice comes off as circa 1950s datedness.
Emotional labor belongs to the aggrieved spouse. The way it's pitched in Seven Principles is that when your husband doesn't do the laundry for the nth goddamn time even though you told him to, it's your responsibility to broach the subject amicably so that the conversation doesn't get emotionally charged. Not that it's his responsibility to hear the criticism like the adult he ostensibly is and handle it in a mature way. You've gotta do the laundry because he didn't, and you also have to work to be okay with that. I hope that this is canted the way it is deliberately, like that the husband keeps shutting down in conversations, so your self-help book has to extend him an olive branch so that he can interact with it productively.
Women enjoy emotional labor because of hunter-gatherer societies. I don't know why this is even in here. It's not supported by any kind of experimental results from his research because it's evo-psych handwaviness, which is never supported by any kind of experimental results. I hazard the guess that it's an attempt to allow the reader to intellectualize the differences in communication style between themselves and their spouse? How about just "some people respond differently to conflict, and that's fine" with no need for the tooth fairy.
You should clean your house so that your wife will fuck you. Really? We're doing the quid pro quo thing now? The argument is not that you should do your share of housework because you care about your partner's comfort and value your shared living space--no, you should know that research shows greater sexual frequency in partnerships where the man does more cleaning. It's just so tactless and dated, a leering drunken uncle mumbling about your sex life. I'm forced to conclude that either this is deliberately pandering to the heteronormative ownership paradigm, like these are the terms he feels he has to use with his target audience, or that John Gottman himself is an emotionally retarded weirdo.
Overall I get the feeling that this is intended for the sort of people who get into screaming matches with their partners in Wal-Mart parking lots because they bought the wrong brand of bottled water, and you only did it because you don't care about me, you're just like your drunk of a father and you're going to die alone, I hate you etc. If you're already an adult in non-chronological ways there isn't much here. Gottman frequently refers to "Four Horsemen," the major signs that a relationship is going to end; I can't remember them other than contempt, but my partner and I have adopted the term sarcastically, e.g. "honey why didn't you like my Facebook post; not liking my Facebook posts is one of the Four Horsemen." I didn't take anything away other than that.
Which I mean fine, I'm sure there's a market for guides on interpersonal relations for the emotionally stunted. I just hope that the advice in here is tailored to be comprehensible to that audience and Gottman doesn't actually believe a lot of this stuff. Otherwise this is more interesting as a meta-psychology text on the dysfunctional relationship ideas a respected researcher actually holds. I dunno, maybe I'm the crazy one: he's the professor and I'm just some guy. But he's also from a different generation, and I feel like a lot of the practical advice comes off as circa 1950s datedness.
Emotional labor belongs to the aggrieved spouse. The way it's pitched in Seven Principles is that when your husband doesn't do the laundry for the nth goddamn time even though you told him to, it's your responsibility to broach the subject amicably so that the conversation doesn't get emotionally charged. Not that it's his responsibility to hear the criticism like the adult he ostensibly is and handle it in a mature way. You've gotta do the laundry because he didn't, and you also have to work to be okay with that. I hope that this is canted the way it is deliberately, like that the husband keeps shutting down in conversations, so your self-help book has to extend him an olive branch so that he can interact with it productively.
Women enjoy emotional labor because of hunter-gatherer societies. I don't know why this is even in here. It's not supported by any kind of experimental results from his research because it's evo-psych handwaviness, which is never supported by any kind of experimental results. I hazard the guess that it's an attempt to allow the reader to intellectualize the differences in communication style between themselves and their spouse? How about just "some people respond differently to conflict, and that's fine" with no need for the tooth fairy.
You should clean your house so that your wife will fuck you. Really? We're doing the quid pro quo thing now? The argument is not that you should do your share of housework because you care about your partner's comfort and value your shared living space--no, you should know that research shows greater sexual frequency in partnerships where the man does more cleaning. It's just so tactless and dated, a leering drunken uncle mumbling about your sex life. I'm forced to conclude that either this is deliberately pandering to the heteronormative ownership paradigm, like these are the terms he feels he has to use with his target audience, or that John Gottman himself is an emotionally retarded weirdo.
Overall I get the feeling that this is intended for the sort of people who get into screaming matches with their partners in Wal-Mart parking lots because they bought the wrong brand of bottled water, and you only did it because you don't care about me, you're just like your drunk of a father and you're going to die alone, I hate you etc. If you're already an adult in non-chronological ways there isn't much here. Gottman frequently refers to "Four Horsemen," the major signs that a relationship is going to end; I can't remember them other than contempt, but my partner and I have adopted the term sarcastically, e.g. "honey why didn't you like my Facebook post; not liking my Facebook posts is one of the Four Horsemen." I didn't take anything away other than that.
Excellent book. Just telling people that “communication” is all that’s needed for a successful marriage is not helpful - reading empirically-backed interventions in this book will be!
informative
medium-paced
I think this is really *the* book for married folks working on their (heteronormative) relationships. Goes beyond the basic "arguments = bad communication" rhetoric and deep into emotionally intelligent empathy. Lots of great advice, things to try, and useful reframings of common issues.
I would highly recommend this book to ANYONE in a relationship (married or not). Gottman has highlighted multiple traits to focus on to build a healthy and functional relationship. I found this book very applicable for my relationship, but also DOABLE; Gottman's recommended strategies didn't feel overwhelming or unrealistic. READ. THIS. NOW.
informative
slow-paced