Types of feedback

Coaching
Evaluation
Appreciation

Ask for clarification on the feedback

People use labels and to understand what they really mean confirm you’re talking about the same thing
Separate topics and give them each discussion
Look at how systems, roles, and temperament play a role

For stories about yourself, you "get what you google”.

If you google dictators you’ll get millions of results, but that doesn’t mean everyone is a dictator or every country is run by one. Nor does it mean there are no dictators in existence.

When you think badly of yourself you’re essentially googling in your mind and getting results for those search terms. So when you search yourself for bad, you will get results for those queries, not also the things you’ve done good. Notice this cognitive distortion to bring into balance.

Handle your Catastrophizing

Make list of what it is and is not about

Example: got turned down for job, you think "I’ll never get job I want, I’m a failure"

What it is About

That position
That company

What it is Not about

Your entire future
Your entire success
Every Position
Every Company

If you can see humour in it you are gaining perspective

Being able to laugh at yourself means you’re ready for feedback and aren’t so attached to your identity

People's views are input not imprint.

If your kid comes home crying someone called him stupid don’t tell them they’re not, that’s just asking them to choose between your story and the bully’s story. Help them find their own story in which to stand, help them think through the actual evidence, what might be going on with the other kid and what is actually true. If they can see for themselves that they're not stupid then they’ll see that someone else saying so doesn’t make it so. Don’t dismiss other people’s views of you, but don’t accept them wholesale either.

Growth mindset over fixed

Focus on tangible effort over perceived intelligence

Learning is the goal, not identity/ego boost/confirmation

About how you hold what you get as feedback

Try out feedback. Make it an experiment, experiments are allowed to fail.

Things can have J shape trajectory.

You’ll get worse and feel worse before getting better and feeling better.

A review by dmlb Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone