Scan barcode
alexthefool's review
4.0
(i'm giving it 4 stars but the ending alone would deserve 10 *cries with pure joy*)
paracosmere's review
4.0
Welp, that was it, we've finally arrived at the end, a whole twenty five years of their lives. I'm somehow really glad that it's all over.
During the earlier parts, I still couldn't shake off the feeling of always getting so pissed off whenever these two got separated especially when they're together with some of the other guys. I still believe Vadim's got screwed up when he was made to fall "in love" with Hooch while Dan continued to fuck around but it's fine cos he didn't love them, fuck that. Man, I could go on and on about this issue and I won't tire of arguing about it.
I'm all for the pain and heartbreaks and all that shit but at the end of the day I just wanted the assurance that both MCs end up together with no stranglers coming along for the ride.
But I managed to ignore and endure the ugly bits for my own sanity. Trying the best mental gymnastics I could muster to best enjoy the story as much as it could offer. I'm all team monogamous Dan and Vadim.
Luckily, mercifully enough, we got a happy ending these two definitely earned for more than two decades. If I'd been at that wedding I'd be bawling my eyes out for hours. Thank you authors, for granting them that.
I can't even write a proper ending for this review. Words seem to be failing me more and more when it comes to this series. All in all, I liked this far better than Mercenaries. And since I won't be getting over these military men soon enough, I'll gonna jump over to the spin-offs to get my fill in the meantime.
And, oh yeah, I coincidentally finished this on their wedding day, January 21st. I consider that a big W in my books.
During the earlier parts, I still couldn't shake off the feeling of always getting so pissed off whenever these two got separated especially when they're together with some of the other guys. I still believe Vadim's got screwed up when he was made to fall "in love" with Hooch while Dan continued to fuck around but it's fine cos he didn't love them, fuck that. Man, I could go on and on about this issue and I won't tire of arguing about it.
I'm all for the pain and heartbreaks and all that shit but at the end of the day I just wanted the assurance that both MCs end up together with no stranglers coming along for the ride.
But I managed to ignore and endure the ugly bits for my own sanity. Trying the best mental gymnastics I could muster to best enjoy the story as much as it could offer. I'm all team monogamous Dan and Vadim.
Luckily, mercifully enough, we got a happy ending these two definitely earned for more than two decades. If I'd been at that wedding I'd be bawling my eyes out for hours. Thank you authors, for granting them that.
I can't even write a proper ending for this review. Words seem to be failing me more and more when it comes to this series. All in all, I liked this far better than Mercenaries. And since I won't be getting over these military men soon enough, I'll gonna jump over to the spin-offs to get my fill in the meantime.
And, oh yeah, I coincidentally finished this on their wedding day, January 21st. I consider that a big W in my books.
genetaylor06's review
Series overall 3 stars
Instead of writing reviews for all the books in the series I think I'll just lump them all over here together.
This series has a lot of sex. Which is fine by me, sex is one of the most important things in the series. The first years of Vadim and Dan's relationship consist of just sex, blowing of some steam, you know. But at times throughout the series the sex got out of hand. Am I the only one who just hoped they'd just stayed monogamous. A lot of the drama sure as hell wouldn't have been there, but is that a bad thing? I couldn't read the Jean and Dan's sex scenes. I wasn't really comfortable with Jean as whole for that matter, him being there hurt Vadim, even if he didn't say it did, it well and truly did. I've seen some people say that the series should have been one book, soldiers was all the series needed, and even if I didn't love everything about it was fine by it's own rights.
I think I'll talk about what I liked and didn't like about the series so far (as I'm not finished so far):
-Book one with all its chance encounters, LOVED THAT? I think this is the perfect book to span over nine years. At the beginning of the book I truly loathed Vadim, wished he'd just died, and hoped it wouldn't be a case of Stockholm syndrome, and it wasn't thank God. You got to read a bit to get into the good instead of the pain, rape, torture, bit when you get it, it's worth it.
-In book two when Dan's helicopter crashes and he uses his and Vadim encounters to tell the Yanks the injuries and how to get where they were, LOVED THAT. I wished though that more was built up on that, that the mission last longer, cause I wished the book had more stuff outside the camp in Kuwait, and less sex and complications, but this ain't a perfect world.
-I actually liked the drama with the kidnapping, Konstantinov, the KGB, and Katya, I know it fucked Vadim up, but it just gave me a better understanding of torture and what it can do to someone's mind, and I just made me love Vadim a whole lot more
-I like the mission with saving the Bosnians, and even the Dami situation, like I said I wished there was more actual missions, even if this wasn't a proper mission in of itself, but yeah. Also why did Dami just accept everything Dan told him to do, why was he just so chill in being kidnapped, I know we later find out his kidnapper was his former Officer, but still that kind of through me off.
-I know this is kind of contradictory but I actually really like Hooch and Vadim's scenes, in my opinion the hottest in the book, still wish there was more in the books and they met up more, cause even besides the sex them in Berlin and their shenanigans were one of the only times I well and truly grinned, and I kind of feel bad saying this but I wished that they ended up together. I know Dan and Vadim were the ones with the history, but I just like their dynamic a lot more, you know, and even if we just got more scenes I would have been one truly happy lad. I feel like Hooch is too good for Matt, if that's a bad thing to say idk, but Hooch may be my favourite, if not after Vadim, as throughout the books I started to dislike Dan more and more. I just read they they're gonna stop it and stay friends, which is bummer, one of the reason I read on on book three was because of Vadim going to America, even though we didn't really see much of then which was a SHAME
-I loved the scene with Vadim in Kashmir, I truly liked the emotional ones better than the sexual ones, including Dan's promiscuity in Kuwait, wasn't really a fan as I've said. Also lover the scene one the roof at camp when Vadim gives Dan the bullet, loved that.
I know it seems I have much faults with books, but I did really enjoy it and I'll definitely check out more of the authors books, Vadim I loved him so much, even though in the books I thought he deserved better, so much shit happened to him and Dan didn't really make things better. And even if I question how they fell in love in the first place, cause can you fall In love with someone you haven't really talked to, someone who doesn't even know your name?
Instead of writing reviews for all the books in the series I think I'll just lump them all over here together.
This series has a lot of sex. Which is fine by me, sex is one of the most important things in the series. The first years of Vadim and Dan's relationship consist of just sex, blowing of some steam, you know. But at times throughout the series the sex got out of hand. Am I the only one who just hoped they'd just stayed monogamous. A lot of the drama sure as hell wouldn't have been there, but is that a bad thing? I couldn't read the Jean and Dan's sex scenes. I wasn't really comfortable with Jean as whole for that matter, him being there hurt Vadim, even if he didn't say it did, it well and truly did. I've seen some people say that the series should have been one book, soldiers was all the series needed, and even if I didn't love everything about it was fine by it's own rights.
I think I'll talk about what I liked and didn't like about the series so far (as I'm not finished so far):
-Book one with all its chance encounters, LOVED THAT? I think this is the perfect book to span over nine years. At the beginning of the book I truly loathed Vadim, wished he'd just died, and hoped it wouldn't be a case of Stockholm syndrome, and it wasn't thank God. You got to read a bit to get into the good instead of the pain, rape, torture, bit when you get it, it's worth it.
-In book two when Dan's helicopter crashes and he uses his and Vadim encounters to tell the Yanks the injuries and how to get where they were, LOVED THAT. I wished though that more was built up on that, that the mission last longer, cause I wished the book had more stuff outside the camp in Kuwait, and less sex and complications, but this ain't a perfect world.
-I actually liked the drama with the kidnapping, Konstantinov, the KGB, and Katya, I know it fucked Vadim up, but it just gave me a better understanding of torture and what it can do to someone's mind, and I just made me love Vadim a whole lot more
-I like the mission with saving the Bosnians, and even the Dami situation, like I said I wished there was more actual missions, even if this wasn't a proper mission in of itself, but yeah. Also why did Dami just accept everything Dan told him to do, why was he just so chill in being kidnapped, I know we later find out his kidnapper was his former Officer, but still that kind of through me off.
-I know this is kind of contradictory but I actually really like Hooch and Vadim's scenes, in my opinion the hottest in the book, still wish there was more in the books and they met up more, cause even besides the sex them in Berlin and their shenanigans were one of the only times I well and truly grinned, and I kind of feel bad saying this but I wished that they ended up together. I know Dan and Vadim were the ones with the history, but I just like their dynamic a lot more, you know, and even if we just got more scenes I would have been one truly happy lad. I feel like Hooch is too good for Matt, if that's a bad thing to say idk, but Hooch may be my favourite, if not after Vadim, as throughout the books I started to dislike Dan more and more. I just read they they're gonna stop it and stay friends, which is bummer, one of the reason I read on on book three was because of Vadim going to America, even though we didn't really see much of then which was a SHAME
-I loved the scene with Vadim in Kashmir, I truly liked the emotional ones better than the sexual ones, including Dan's promiscuity in Kuwait, wasn't really a fan as I've said. Also lover the scene one the roof at camp when Vadim gives Dan the bullet, loved that.
I know it seems I have much faults with books, but I did really enjoy it and I'll definitely check out more of the authors books, Vadim I loved him so much, even though in the books I thought he deserved better, so much shit happened to him and Dan didn't really make things better. And even if I question how they fell in love in the first place, cause can you fall In love with someone you haven't really talked to, someone who doesn't even know your name?
tichamm's review
4.0
4 stars
Final rating for the series: 3.81 stars
I'm so grateful that I was able to finish this books, since some of the things that happened, especially in Mercenaries, almost made me quit this trilogy all together.
25 years to me feels like a life-time, since I've not yet lived as much as that, so reading about Dan and Vadim's story through the years was such an amazing experience. I just wished that in the last book, the years woudn't pass so fast, since in some instances, a 1 year passes without any comment at all, and in the mercenaries, a year was absolutely full. It's my only complaint about the time period - I wished it was more proportional.
Considering my previous rants about the amount of sex, in this one, I wasn't that angry about it. But listen, to me at least, having a relationship and still having someone in the sidelines is not for me and not for many that read this books, but the way it's made in this books, we can "understant" why Dan goes to Jean and Vadim goes to Hooch - we have to understand that Dan and Vadim's lifes changed SO MUCH in all this years, and things that they could achieve with their partners, wasn't that easy anymore. To me, at least , I accept this kind of behaviour, and I'm sure that there is someone out there doing the same, but to me and it's pretty evident - Dan and Vadim love their other "partners" but I feel that it's a different kind of love; the love that Dan and Vadim is far superior and it seems it's going to continue, even after they pass away.
So in conclusion to this topic, in the end, I wasn't that mad, but there is a thing that I want to make clear - if you do this kinds of relationships, please tell your primary partner - Matt knows about Hooch, but Solange doesn't know ANYTHING (or at least that's the message that we get) about Jean having sex with multiple men, and the thing that he has with Dan (where he even confesses that he loves him); yes I know that Solange has sex with others, but with Jeans CONSENT, and it's a thing in their relationship, not the other way around.
[b:Special Forces - Veterans|7927995|Special Forces - Veterans (Special Forces, #3)|Aleksandr Voinov|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1269793877s/7927995.jpg|11245777] is a great end for this 25 years, and I might say that this one is my favorite, because there was so much focus on character development, and the fact that almost everything was resolved in this one - there was many happy endings, and although it was nice to revisit many characters from past books, I felt that sometimes there was too much focus on them, and the book could have been shorter.
Dan and Vadims story was not easy, but I'm happy they had their OWN HAPPY ENDING, after all the years of suffering, war, pain and so much more.
Currently already reading Nikolais book, not sure when I will be able to read Matt and Hoochs story.
Thank you [a:Aleksandr Voinov|3074905|Aleksandr Voinov|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1471073279p2/3074905.jpg] and [a:Marquesate|2851889|Marquesate|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1328652900p2/2851889.jpg] for this incredible books - they are a tough read, but it's books like this that make me love reading even more!
And I'm also so happy because this was in my tbr for so long, and I never got it around it because of it's massive size - know I would like to read more huge series!
Final rating for the series: 3.81 stars
I'm so grateful that I was able to finish this books, since some of the things that happened, especially in Mercenaries, almost made me quit this trilogy all together.
25 years to me feels like a life-time, since I've not yet lived as much as that, so reading about Dan and Vadim's story through the years was such an amazing experience. I just wished that in the last book, the years woudn't pass so fast, since in some instances, a 1 year passes without any comment at all, and in the mercenaries, a year was absolutely full. It's my only complaint about the time period - I wished it was more proportional.
Considering my previous rants about the amount of sex, in this one, I wasn't that angry about it. But listen, to me at least, having a relationship and still having someone in the sidelines is not for me and not for many that read this books, but the way it's made in this books, we can "understant" why Dan goes to Jean and Vadim goes to Hooch - we have to understand that Dan and Vadim's lifes changed SO MUCH in all this years, and things that they could achieve with their partners, wasn't that easy anymore. To me, at least , I accept this kind of behaviour, and I'm sure that there is someone out there doing the same, but to me and it's pretty evident - Dan and Vadim love their other "partners" but I feel that it's a different kind of love; the love that Dan and Vadim is far superior and it seems it's going to continue, even after they pass away.
So in conclusion to this topic, in the end, I wasn't that mad, but there is a thing that I want to make clear - if you do this kinds of relationships, please tell your primary partner - Matt knows about Hooch, but Solange doesn't know ANYTHING (or at least that's the message that we get) about Jean having sex with multiple men, and the thing that he has with Dan (where he even confesses that he loves him); yes I know that Solange has sex with others, but with Jeans CONSENT, and it's a thing in their relationship, not the other way around.
[b:Special Forces - Veterans|7927995|Special Forces - Veterans (Special Forces, #3)|Aleksandr Voinov|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1269793877s/7927995.jpg|11245777] is a great end for this 25 years, and I might say that this one is my favorite, because there was so much focus on character development, and the fact that almost everything was resolved in this one - there was many happy endings, and although it was nice to revisit many characters from past books, I felt that sometimes there was too much focus on them, and the book could have been shorter.
Dan and Vadims story was not easy, but I'm happy they had their OWN HAPPY ENDING, after all the years of suffering, war, pain and so much more.
Currently already reading Nikolais book, not sure when I will be able to read Matt and Hoochs story.
Thank you [a:Aleksandr Voinov|3074905|Aleksandr Voinov|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1471073279p2/3074905.jpg] and [a:Marquesate|2851889|Marquesate|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1328652900p2/2851889.jpg] for this incredible books - they are a tough read, but it's books like this that make me love reading even more!
And I'm also so happy because this was in my tbr for so long, and I never got it around it because of it's massive size - know I would like to read more huge series!
kaje_harper's review
4.0
This is a satisfying and sometimes emotional conclusion to the series. The small issues I had with too much irrelevant sex and language glitches Mercenaries II are still present, but the story moves forward smoothly. Both Dan and Vadim had major emotional issues to deal with, and those were the best parts of the book, although I did feel that Dan's resolved a little easily without the back-sliding I might have expected after that length of depression and alcohol abuse.
There were a few sections with secondary characters that were less interesting, and the whole affair with Nelson's obsession started out really tight and interesting and then fizzled in an unsatisfying way.
At the same time, I was really caught up with the guys, fascinated by some of the things they went through as they redefined their relationship. The episodes with Hooch and Matt were tense and engrossing. The end was sweet, if a little well-wrapped for all the minor characters. These guys are still two of the most complex MC's in M/M and the story taken as a whole across 4 volumes is astounding in its breadth and readability. What an epic story, and what a gift to be given this for free.
There were a few sections with secondary characters that were less interesting, and the whole affair with Nelson's obsession started out really tight and interesting and then fizzled in an unsatisfying way.
Spoiler
I thought the threat used was a bit weak for the force of obsession of the man, and that simply getting him to back off Vadim was a bit of a cop-out, when he surely wasn't reformed and warranted being dealt with in a more definative way, for the sake of other victims. I also wish that Vadim's issues with sex and sharing hadn't somehow vanished along the way, especially in the last few days before the wedding, when suddenly they're doing foursomes again. It suddenly wasn't even discussed as an issue, after being a major focus.At the same time, I was really caught up with the guys, fascinated by some of the things they went through as they redefined their relationship. The episodes with Hooch and Matt were tense and engrossing. The end was sweet, if a little well-wrapped for all the minor characters. These guys are still two of the most complex MC's in M/M and the story taken as a whole across 4 volumes is astounding in its breadth and readability. What an epic story, and what a gift to be given this for free.
noveldoll's review
adventurous
challenging
emotional
hopeful
reflective
sad
tense
slow-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
5.0
rosaelia's review
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated
5.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Panic attacks/disorders, Mental illness, Sexual content, and Cursing
Moderate: Alcohol, Death, Violence, Physical abuse, Murder, and Injury/Injury detail
Minor: War, Torture, Sexual assault, Rape, and Kidnapping
marshaboo's review
5.0
Lots of spoilers. Lots of quotes.
It's been almost a week.. during this time I was hurting so damn much( I lost sleep, I felt hollow, betrayed and lost, I felt so much and all of it on the downside.
I think my husband started to get nuts. I was retelling the story to him in bits and pieces. I started to cry all of a sudden...
I was so sympathetic with Vadim, especially after some reviews telling about Dan's love for Jean, the unfairness of it all.
And finally today I can safely say that I'm still hurting, but in a different kind of way.
All this time I've been trying to find some excuse for Dan's behavior, but today I tried to understand him.
To understand a man who truly lost the only thing he thought was everything. the only person who was everything.
Because Vadim never truly came back to him. Never. It was not Vadim's fault don't get me wrong, but we are not talking about Vadim now, just try to keep it in mind.
Even after the therapy Vadim could have just get lost in his own head. And it was Dan who was left alone time and again.
"Dan said very little throughout the day, keeping his thoughts to himself until Duncan finally collared him and Dan tried to explain what had happened and what was going to happen. Separation. Three months. He was nauseous at the mere thought of it. Three fucking months. It’d be worse than the nine months in the mountains".
I really think that all those "others" was his way of coping with loneliness. Jean was providing comfort, it was Jean who was helping to keep it together so Dan can be a "carer", so Dan was not left behind over and over.
"Dan had remained quiet, but as attentive as he could ever be, but during the nights he felt unsure for the first time. Wanting Vadim, needing his reassurance, or whatever else sex was meant to be, but he didn’t dare to initiate it".
- These are Dan's thoughts before Vadim left for the therapy. Dan is very tactile, like Jean. There are people who crave physical contact - not only from their loved onces. And even when Dan wasn't denied it by Vadim, Vadim allowed it, tolerated it but through suffer.
Dan: "Closeness and intimacy, they’d become aliens, despite fourteen years."
Vadim: “Sometimes, he didn’t give me ... space.” Vadim kept his gaze on the ground. “After the nightmares, it’s hard to have anybody close.” “It’s ... a tightrope. Aggression, yes. Quite a bit of it, but it’s ... fear, terror, I need space, and sometimes he cornered me. He’s changed that, but at the beginning ...”
“Did you ever explain that you could not bear the closeness? You see, the relatives and loved ones of PTSD sufferers and trauma victims do not know how to deal with their loved ones, who are suddenly different to what they used to be. Many state that they don’t know this person anymore, and they don’t know how to get close, how to make them see that they are still loved. As a consequence, there might be the attempt to get physically close when the mental closeness is being rejected.”
“Closeness ... sex, if you will, used to fix everything. If I’d told him to not touch me ...” he’d have gone to Jean. The thought bit deep. Somebody who was comfortable with touch all the time, who sought it, who’d never say no.
“Did you fear that if you told him he would have taken it badly and possibly even left you?”
“It was the only thing that always worked. Different form of communication. Even when we weren’t ... partners. It goes too far back.” I wanted his touch even when I hated him. When he hated me. Konstantinov had gone deeper than that, right to the core.
“So you kept quiet and went along.” Looking at the water in his hand, then back at Vadim. “Did this ever make you resent him?”
“Yes.” Vadim felt a pressure on his chest. He had. No doubt about it.
“It won’t be easy, Dan, because, if I tell you to leave me alone, you ... you have to. Can you do that?”
Now I can even except that the feeling Dan had for Jean was much more than just lust. It was about tenderness, it was about comfort, it was about being loved, not needed. Without it he wouldn't have make it. You can resent him for it, but... what would you say to someone you care about to do if that person was in a twisted, even toxic relationship with only two options - live or adapt? Vadim Dan didn't leave.
“You told me once that you needed me. To ... to keep you together. While I wasn’t there, the whole last year, how ... I mean, do you still need me, or can you love me now?”
“Do you really want me to come?” Dan’s voice remained quiet, toneless even. “And do I really have a home?” Dan shook his head slowly, to no one there. “I am willing to be who you need me to be, but ... I can’t do that and accept the consequences, unless I know that you are certain.” He took a deep breath. “Is there love left for me, Vadim?”
But the most telling things in my opinion are:
“I was always strong,” murmured, “always matched you. Always held my own ground. The only fear I ever had was the one that kept any soldier alive. But lying there ... waiting for the surgery that meant the end of everything I’d always been, I wanted to run away. Scream, or cry, or shit myself with that goddamned motherfucking fear. Fear that ... that I wasn’t your equal anymore. That I couldn’t keep up with the likes of ...” hesitating, “Hooch.”
Another pause, before Hooch’s voice was heard again. “Listen, buddy, I understand ...” Leaving the words standing between them. “Dan’s more important. Things really alright with him? You got your priorities.”
Vadim closed his eyes. This hurt. Unexpected how much it hurt. He closed the door, dropped his voice to a murmur. “You’re too ... too deep inside me, Bozic. I can’t ... I can’t love two men.” There. Out. “I’m sorry.”
He felt a shudder rise from somewhere in his body, guilt, shame, pain, a deep horror that had only been sleeping. He couldn’t lose Dan, he couldn’t hurt Dan, yet he wanted this man, loved this man, could easily fall completely for him. Mad, stupid lust, friendship, and screw up everything he had, everything he wanted.
He hadn’t been in touch because he’d have left Dan at a drop of a hat. He’d been that close, and if Hooch had offered ... anything, an alternative, regular sex, being close, he wouldn’t have been able to resist.
But Jean offered Dan to elope with him. Offered, when Dan knew that Jean loved him. And he refused! And just maybe he never told Jean he loved him not because he was a coward, but because for Dan there was only one love powerful enough, only one feeling that was like a benchmark - and his feeling toward Jean just was not enough.
Please, try to understand that this love story is not only about Vadim - whom we readily forgive for everything, but about Dan too. Dan, who was executed too, Mad Dog who was reborn, person who had a choice - every step of the way - with his life and person in it, his other lover, consequences of his decisions. He knew Vadim loved someone else, when Vadim was sure Dan was not in love with Jean.
“Well, nothing eloping together could solve. You’re getting too old to have my babies.” Jean slapped Dan’s arse and laughed.
“Moment ago you claimed I was getting shit.” Dan’s brows danced up and down his forehead. “Not sure where your thoughts have buggered off to, but hell, Jean, you’re damn strange today.”
True, thought Jean and gave an innocent grin, as if he had no idea in hell what Dan was talking about. His normal light heartedness felt like an act now. Which was weird, because it wasn’t.
Tilting his head, Dan half-smiled. “Eloping’s right out, but not because of the babies. There’s that little matter of our partners, hm?”
“Yes ... that wouldn’t be a good idea. Vadim’s a good tracker, and Solange has the legal power to shut down my bank accounts.” Jean smirked. “Seems we’re the tragic love story that can never happen, huh?”
“Are we?” Dan’s smile was still in place. “Are we, Jean?”
Jean paused, felt his heart race all of a sudden. What the fuck are you doing? Found no clever comment that quickly, not quick enough by far. “Comrades,” he said, first thing that came to his blank mind. Good start. “Right? We’ll always be that.”
Dan nodded, with that same smile. “Aye, comrades. Friends. We’ll always be friends.” Gesturing with his chin over to the couch. “And you’d be an even better friend and comrade for sitting down there and talking for, say, five minutes.”
...
Dan rubbed his nose with the heel of his hand. “You and Solange alright?” Echoing Jean’s earlier question.
“Maybe I’m just taking her for granted. She sometimes says I do, but that’s when she’s ... feeling down. She has times like that, we call that her PMS.” He gave a small laugh. Ups and downs. Who didn’t have them? “You get used to somebody after that time. You’re some ... kind of holiday, I guess. Something she isn’t. I’m faithful, that’s weird, too, nothing I really, lack, but ... I do mean it. When I kiss you.”
“Aye, you do mean it.” Dan nodded, “I do, too.” He smiled, poking a finger into Jean’s solar plexus, right above where the bathrobe opened. “Are you going to tell me now that you’ve fallen in love with me? However stupid that may sound.” He grinned, taking the piss.
Jean grinned sharply. “Yes, it sounds stupid. So I won’t say it. I’ll keep it to myself. The whole opera about how much I fucking wanted you, and that I ... I ...” Jean paused, struggling. “Yeah, shit, I ... guess I love you – so what? Won’t change a thing, and it shouldn’t really, we’re both adults, we have ... people around, and commitments. Just ... you know, take that feeling and, I don’t know, ‘cherish’ sounds like from a bad song. You’re a guy, and I still love you when you’re here. I never did that with another guy, and Solange never really was male, so ... shit ... I just love being around you, touching you and making you smile. I feel like a complete pussy for that, weird, that I can do all that with a girl, but I feel strange when I do it with you, but it feels good.”
“Oh.” The breathed out syllable was all that Dan brought out. Gone the bravado, the jokes and piss-taking. Gone, too, his belief he’d known what Jean was going to say. Wrong. No, not wrong, just nowhere near the level of truth.
Jean swallowed. “Yeah, ‘oh’. It’s alright. It really is. Just ... good I said it, I guess.”
Dan swallowed, hand moved off Jean’s shoulder to rub once, twice over his face before he cleared his throat, looking back up. “Fact is, I sometimes wish Vadim was you. Just sometimes, you know?” He shouldn’t be saying that, should have never even felt it, but sometimes, like now, with Vadim far away and all that pain and fear and loneliness, with nowhere and nothing to soothe the worry, it was just there. That feeling. “The lightness between us. There’s no pain. The way you kiss and touch and all that, but then ...” shaking his head, smiling.
“... then I’m not him.” Jean gave a grin and reached out to raise Dan’s chin, moving close as if for a kiss. “That’s alright. Maybe some weird part of me is jealous. Does that make sense?”
“Aye. Makes sense.” Dan felt strange for a moment, the tender gesture. The way Jean treated him, different to any man he’d ever been with. There was a gentleness about him that had always somehow resonated with him.
“Last chance,” he murmured. “You could still elope with me, you know?”
Dan smiled into the handsome face before him, lined, tanned and goddamned gorgeous. Flashes of the young Jean in his mind, the man he’d met in the Gulf, the straight man ... “You realise that Vadim and I have our silver anniversary this year, aye? But I must admit I do try to not commemorate the day we actually met.” He quirked a brow, then ran a hand down Jean’s back, inhaling his scent.
Jean lifted his head to kiss Dan’s lips, fingers running down Dan’s cheek, as he opened his lips for one of those tender, skilled, heartfelt kisses. “You guys are great together though. Even Vadim looks happy these days.”
“It’s been a long ride. Twenty-five bloody years. Fucking crazy, aye?” Dan took his time to kiss Jean, to hold him and to be close. He murmured when he broke the kiss, “I sometimes think I’m making all of this up.
Vadim still was the man he’d always wanted. Everyone else, no matter who and where and what, paled in comparison to Vadim. His Russkie.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm a delusional fool, and though I will never be able to live in open relationship myself, but for the first time this week I can breathe again.
It's been almost a week.. during this time I was hurting so damn much( I lost sleep, I felt hollow, betrayed and lost, I felt so much and all of it on the downside.
I think my husband started to get nuts. I was retelling the story to him in bits and pieces. I started to cry all of a sudden...
I was so sympathetic with Vadim, especially after some reviews telling about Dan's love for Jean, the unfairness of it all.
And finally today I can safely say that I'm still hurting, but in a different kind of way.
All this time I've been trying to find some excuse for Dan's behavior, but today I tried to understand him.
To understand a man who truly lost the only thing he thought was everything. the only person who was everything.
Because Vadim never truly came back to him. Never. It was not Vadim's fault don't get me wrong, but we are not talking about Vadim now, just try to keep it in mind.
Even after the therapy Vadim could have just get lost in his own head. And it was Dan who was left alone time and again.
"Dan said very little throughout the day, keeping his thoughts to himself until Duncan finally collared him and Dan tried to explain what had happened and what was going to happen. Separation. Three months. He was nauseous at the mere thought of it. Three fucking months. It’d be worse than the nine months in the mountains".
I really think that all those "others" was his way of coping with loneliness. Jean was providing comfort, it was Jean who was helping to keep it together so Dan can be a "carer", so Dan was not left behind over and over.
"Dan had remained quiet, but as attentive as he could ever be, but during the nights he felt unsure for the first time. Wanting Vadim, needing his reassurance, or whatever else sex was meant to be, but he didn’t dare to initiate it".
- These are Dan's thoughts before Vadim left for the therapy. Dan is very tactile, like Jean. There are people who crave physical contact - not only from their loved onces. And even when Dan wasn't denied it by Vadim, Vadim allowed it, tolerated it but through suffer.
Dan: "Closeness and intimacy, they’d become aliens, despite fourteen years."
Vadim: “Sometimes, he didn’t give me ... space.” Vadim kept his gaze on the ground. “After the nightmares, it’s hard to have anybody close.” “It’s ... a tightrope. Aggression, yes. Quite a bit of it, but it’s ... fear, terror, I need space, and sometimes he cornered me. He’s changed that, but at the beginning ...”
“Did you ever explain that you could not bear the closeness? You see, the relatives and loved ones of PTSD sufferers and trauma victims do not know how to deal with their loved ones, who are suddenly different to what they used to be. Many state that they don’t know this person anymore, and they don’t know how to get close, how to make them see that they are still loved. As a consequence, there might be the attempt to get physically close when the mental closeness is being rejected.”
“Closeness ... sex, if you will, used to fix everything. If I’d told him to not touch me ...” he’d have gone to Jean. The thought bit deep. Somebody who was comfortable with touch all the time, who sought it, who’d never say no.
“Did you fear that if you told him he would have taken it badly and possibly even left you?”
“It was the only thing that always worked. Different form of communication. Even when we weren’t ... partners. It goes too far back.” I wanted his touch even when I hated him. When he hated me. Konstantinov had gone deeper than that, right to the core.
“So you kept quiet and went along.” Looking at the water in his hand, then back at Vadim. “Did this ever make you resent him?”
“Yes.” Vadim felt a pressure on his chest. He had. No doubt about it.
“It won’t be easy, Dan, because, if I tell you to leave me alone, you ... you have to. Can you do that?”
Now I can even except that the feeling Dan had for Jean was much more than just lust. It was about tenderness, it was about comfort, it was about being loved, not needed. Without it he wouldn't have make it. You can resent him for it, but... what would you say to someone you care about to do if that person was in a twisted, even toxic relationship with only two options - live or adapt? Vadim Dan didn't leave.
“You told me once that you needed me. To ... to keep you together. While I wasn’t there, the whole last year, how ... I mean, do you still need me, or can you love me now?”
“Do you really want me to come?” Dan’s voice remained quiet, toneless even. “And do I really have a home?” Dan shook his head slowly, to no one there. “I am willing to be who you need me to be, but ... I can’t do that and accept the consequences, unless I know that you are certain.” He took a deep breath. “Is there love left for me, Vadim?”
But the most telling things in my opinion are:
“I was always strong,” murmured, “always matched you. Always held my own ground. The only fear I ever had was the one that kept any soldier alive. But lying there ... waiting for the surgery that meant the end of everything I’d always been, I wanted to run away. Scream, or cry, or shit myself with that goddamned motherfucking fear. Fear that ... that I wasn’t your equal anymore. That I couldn’t keep up with the likes of ...” hesitating, “Hooch.”
Another pause, before Hooch’s voice was heard again. “Listen, buddy, I understand ...” Leaving the words standing between them. “Dan’s more important. Things really alright with him? You got your priorities.”
Vadim closed his eyes. This hurt. Unexpected how much it hurt. He closed the door, dropped his voice to a murmur. “You’re too ... too deep inside me, Bozic. I can’t ... I can’t love two men.” There. Out. “I’m sorry.”
He felt a shudder rise from somewhere in his body, guilt, shame, pain, a deep horror that had only been sleeping. He couldn’t lose Dan, he couldn’t hurt Dan, yet he wanted this man, loved this man, could easily fall completely for him. Mad, stupid lust, friendship, and screw up everything he had, everything he wanted.
He hadn’t been in touch because he’d have left Dan at a drop of a hat. He’d been that close, and if Hooch had offered ... anything, an alternative, regular sex, being close, he wouldn’t have been able to resist.
But Jean offered Dan to elope with him. Offered, when Dan knew that Jean loved him. And he refused! And just maybe he never told Jean he loved him not because he was a coward, but because for Dan there was only one love powerful enough, only one feeling that was like a benchmark - and his feeling toward Jean just was not enough.
Please, try to understand that this love story is not only about Vadim - whom we readily forgive for everything, but about Dan too. Dan, who was executed too, Mad Dog who was reborn, person who had a choice - every step of the way - with his life and person in it, his other lover, consequences of his decisions. He knew Vadim loved someone else, when Vadim was sure Dan was not in love with Jean.
“Well, nothing eloping together could solve. You’re getting too old to have my babies.” Jean slapped Dan’s arse and laughed.
“Moment ago you claimed I was getting shit.” Dan’s brows danced up and down his forehead. “Not sure where your thoughts have buggered off to, but hell, Jean, you’re damn strange today.”
True, thought Jean and gave an innocent grin, as if he had no idea in hell what Dan was talking about. His normal light heartedness felt like an act now. Which was weird, because it wasn’t.
Tilting his head, Dan half-smiled. “Eloping’s right out, but not because of the babies. There’s that little matter of our partners, hm?”
“Yes ... that wouldn’t be a good idea. Vadim’s a good tracker, and Solange has the legal power to shut down my bank accounts.” Jean smirked. “Seems we’re the tragic love story that can never happen, huh?”
“Are we?” Dan’s smile was still in place. “Are we, Jean?”
Jean paused, felt his heart race all of a sudden. What the fuck are you doing? Found no clever comment that quickly, not quick enough by far. “Comrades,” he said, first thing that came to his blank mind. Good start. “Right? We’ll always be that.”
Dan nodded, with that same smile. “Aye, comrades. Friends. We’ll always be friends.” Gesturing with his chin over to the couch. “And you’d be an even better friend and comrade for sitting down there and talking for, say, five minutes.”
...
Dan rubbed his nose with the heel of his hand. “You and Solange alright?” Echoing Jean’s earlier question.
“Maybe I’m just taking her for granted. She sometimes says I do, but that’s when she’s ... feeling down. She has times like that, we call that her PMS.” He gave a small laugh. Ups and downs. Who didn’t have them? “You get used to somebody after that time. You’re some ... kind of holiday, I guess. Something she isn’t. I’m faithful, that’s weird, too, nothing I really, lack, but ... I do mean it. When I kiss you.”
“Aye, you do mean it.” Dan nodded, “I do, too.” He smiled, poking a finger into Jean’s solar plexus, right above where the bathrobe opened. “Are you going to tell me now that you’ve fallen in love with me? However stupid that may sound.” He grinned, taking the piss.
Jean grinned sharply. “Yes, it sounds stupid. So I won’t say it. I’ll keep it to myself. The whole opera about how much I fucking wanted you, and that I ... I ...” Jean paused, struggling. “Yeah, shit, I ... guess I love you – so what? Won’t change a thing, and it shouldn’t really, we’re both adults, we have ... people around, and commitments. Just ... you know, take that feeling and, I don’t know, ‘cherish’ sounds like from a bad song. You’re a guy, and I still love you when you’re here. I never did that with another guy, and Solange never really was male, so ... shit ... I just love being around you, touching you and making you smile. I feel like a complete pussy for that, weird, that I can do all that with a girl, but I feel strange when I do it with you, but it feels good.”
“Oh.” The breathed out syllable was all that Dan brought out. Gone the bravado, the jokes and piss-taking. Gone, too, his belief he’d known what Jean was going to say. Wrong. No, not wrong, just nowhere near the level of truth.
Jean swallowed. “Yeah, ‘oh’. It’s alright. It really is. Just ... good I said it, I guess.”
Dan swallowed, hand moved off Jean’s shoulder to rub once, twice over his face before he cleared his throat, looking back up. “Fact is, I sometimes wish Vadim was you. Just sometimes, you know?” He shouldn’t be saying that, should have never even felt it, but sometimes, like now, with Vadim far away and all that pain and fear and loneliness, with nowhere and nothing to soothe the worry, it was just there. That feeling. “The lightness between us. There’s no pain. The way you kiss and touch and all that, but then ...” shaking his head, smiling.
“... then I’m not him.” Jean gave a grin and reached out to raise Dan’s chin, moving close as if for a kiss. “That’s alright. Maybe some weird part of me is jealous. Does that make sense?”
“Aye. Makes sense.” Dan felt strange for a moment, the tender gesture. The way Jean treated him, different to any man he’d ever been with. There was a gentleness about him that had always somehow resonated with him.
“Last chance,” he murmured. “You could still elope with me, you know?”
Dan smiled into the handsome face before him, lined, tanned and goddamned gorgeous. Flashes of the young Jean in his mind, the man he’d met in the Gulf, the straight man ... “You realise that Vadim and I have our silver anniversary this year, aye? But I must admit I do try to not commemorate the day we actually met.” He quirked a brow, then ran a hand down Jean’s back, inhaling his scent.
Jean lifted his head to kiss Dan’s lips, fingers running down Dan’s cheek, as he opened his lips for one of those tender, skilled, heartfelt kisses. “You guys are great together though. Even Vadim looks happy these days.”
“It’s been a long ride. Twenty-five bloody years. Fucking crazy, aye?” Dan took his time to kiss Jean, to hold him and to be close. He murmured when he broke the kiss, “I sometimes think I’m making all of this up.
Vadim still was the man he’d always wanted. Everyone else, no matter who and where and what, paled in comparison to Vadim. His Russkie.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm a delusional fool, and though I will never be able to live in open relationship myself, but for the first time this week I can breathe again.
vcvierle's review
5.0
this series is intense and I don't mean the sex scenes, the relationship between Vadim and Dan and they friends/lovers is one that I found really difficult to emotionally understand. It oponed my mind a lot but it really is something I was not comfortable with. But overall it was an amazing series of a relationship of two very realistic man for me, with all their flaws( and I mean real flaws that convert you love for the character to being completely disappointed/ devastated that they could be like that but as story progreses your start to accept and love the characters again. I suppose in some way that is really what happens in a relationship but not that extreme.
mindforbooks's review
5.0
"There be dragons, and he’d been riding on one for too long."
So it comes to an end. I am currently in mourning. I was desperate to get through Dan and Vadim’s story because I needed to see how this epic love story ended. Now that it’s over I want to start all over again. I miss them.
Special Forces put me through the wringer. I am, at this moment an emotional basket case. Honestly though? It was worth it. Getting to see the development of a relationship that spans 25 years with beautiful highs and soul crushing lows was just amazing and ‘Veterans’ made it all worth it.
"Separated not by war – but by peace."
Now to get to the good stuff you need to go through the tough stuff and the first 2/3’s of ‘Veterans’ is the tough stuff. Both Dan and Vadim need to face their demons, learn to live with all that has come before and most of all they both need to heal. That healing is not easy for either, their inability to communicate makes it all even more painful to witness. But ‘Veterans’ is very cathartic and even though it felt like my heart had yet again been ripped out things never felt completely hopeless. The gift of a bullet in the Kuwaiti desert gives you something to hang onto and a love that was forged in hell fire seems able to withstand just about anything.
"Pain always brought relief in the end. Even if it was only the relief of its absence."
There are still things that I don’t understand. Decisions they have made along the way and things they do that I still don’t get but Dan and Vadim are not perfect, not by a long shot. Like us all they are flawed and those flaws make what they have even more wonderful. This series has poked at a lot of soft spots for me, it has also thrown stuff at me that has made me feel deeply uncomfortable and previously would’ve made me stop reading. I’m still not comfortable with some of the things that happened but for some reason I’ve learned to accept the things they did to each other and those around them.
"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real".
Cormac McCarthy
Without a doubt my favourite of the 3 cycles has been ‘Soldiers’ even though they cause each other the most damage in it we get to see something amazing happen. We get to see two enemies, two wild animals find something that is beautiful and fragile in events that are ugly and cruel. That something somehow continues to grow even when neglected and the results are truly epic. I really miss them.
So it comes to an end. I am currently in mourning. I was desperate to get through Dan and Vadim’s story because I needed to see how this epic love story ended. Now that it’s over I want to start all over again. I miss them.
Special Forces put me through the wringer. I am, at this moment an emotional basket case. Honestly though? It was worth it. Getting to see the development of a relationship that spans 25 years with beautiful highs and soul crushing lows was just amazing and ‘Veterans’ made it all worth it.
"Separated not by war – but by peace."
Now to get to the good stuff you need to go through the tough stuff and the first 2/3’s of ‘Veterans’ is the tough stuff. Both Dan and Vadim need to face their demons, learn to live with all that has come before and most of all they both need to heal. That healing is not easy for either, their inability to communicate makes it all even more painful to witness. But ‘Veterans’ is very cathartic and even though it felt like my heart had yet again been ripped out things never felt completely hopeless. The gift of a bullet in the Kuwaiti desert gives you something to hang onto and a love that was forged in hell fire seems able to withstand just about anything.
"Pain always brought relief in the end. Even if it was only the relief of its absence."
There are still things that I don’t understand. Decisions they have made along the way and things they do that I still don’t get but Dan and Vadim are not perfect, not by a long shot. Like us all they are flawed and those flaws make what they have even more wonderful. This series has poked at a lot of soft spots for me, it has also thrown stuff at me that has made me feel deeply uncomfortable and previously would’ve made me stop reading. I’m still not comfortable with some of the things that happened but for some reason I’ve learned to accept the things they did to each other and those around them.
"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real".
Cormac McCarthy
Without a doubt my favourite of the 3 cycles has been ‘Soldiers’ even though they cause each other the most damage in it we get to see something amazing happen. We get to see two enemies, two wild animals find something that is beautiful and fragile in events that are ugly and cruel. That something somehow continues to grow even when neglected and the results are truly epic. I really miss them.