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steffski's review against another edition
2.0
I wanted lots more practical advice and tips.
The case studies were entertaining and gave food for thought but when none of them were exactly like me and my partner I felt like I had no practical steps for enhancement. Feels more like a social commentary -which it was good for, and less like a how-to.
The case studies were entertaining and gave food for thought but when none of them were exactly like me and my partner I felt like I had no practical steps for enhancement. Feels more like a social commentary -which it was good for, and less like a how-to.
marinaemoore's review
4.0
Esther Perel has such a fresh take on modern relationships. I enjoyed this book just as much as I enjoyed her podcasts.
copperkettle's review against another edition
reflective
fast-paced
2.5
I have seriously mixed feelings on this—maybe not for the reasons you'd expect.
The most frustrating thing, to me, is that at the beginning of the book, she strongly advocates for this idea (supposedly her hypothesis) that sexual issues CAN'T be solved by communication and therapy the way that other relationship or life issues can. She excuses men, in particular, for acting on instinct and criticizes communicative approaches. Needless to say, this is dangerous, unhelpful messaging.
But even more frustrating, she then proceeds to give countless examples of sexual issues being resolved by exactly that—digging into root causes, deeper issues, unpacking emotional needs—communication! TALKING!
Then, she completely abandons this original thesis. Why advocate for something so problematic so stongly only to drop it!?
That's not to say that the book doesn't have progressive messages. Namely, the idea of giving space for each partner to have their own identity and "otherness" can be more beneficial to sex than forcing closeness. Also, destigmatizing "scheduling" (prioritizing) sex and the many contradictions in sexual fantasy, recognizing fantasy as separate from actual real-life desire, etc.
At the time it came out, it was probably a net positive. But by now, I bet (I hope) there are better books on the subject.
The most frustrating thing, to me, is that at the beginning of the book, she strongly advocates for this idea (supposedly her hypothesis) that sexual issues CAN'T be solved by communication and therapy the way that other relationship or life issues can. She excuses men, in particular, for acting on instinct and criticizes communicative approaches. Needless to say, this is dangerous, unhelpful messaging.
But even more frustrating, she then proceeds to give countless examples of sexual issues being resolved by exactly that—digging into root causes, deeper issues, unpacking emotional needs—communication! TALKING!
Then, she completely abandons this original thesis. Why advocate for something so problematic so stongly only to drop it!?
That's not to say that the book doesn't have progressive messages. Namely, the idea of giving space for each partner to have their own identity and "otherness" can be more beneficial to sex than forcing closeness. Also, destigmatizing "scheduling" (prioritizing) sex and the many contradictions in sexual fantasy, recognizing fantasy as separate from actual real-life desire, etc.
At the time it came out, it was probably a net positive. But by now, I bet (I hope) there are better books on the subject.
libellum_aphrodite's review
5.0
Perel's content about balancing novelty and intimacy really hit the nail on the head, but with less polished writing than [b:The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity|34318694|The State of Affairs Rethinking Infidelity|Esther Perel|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1495687657s/34318694.jpg|55014433], making it a less enjoyable read overall. While The State of Affairs flowed very seamlessly, Mating in Captivity abruptly jumped between topics and back, left loose thoughts dangling, and lacked clear salient points. Even if the writing was lacking in this first book, I'm quite impressed by the improvement between the two books, so big kudos for the investment.
Writing skills aside, Perel's main themes are the massive expectations placed on modern relationships (be my best friend, confidant, lover, and soul mate, all of them all the time!), how sometimes these roles can be in opposition, and ways to recognize and discuss the resultant conflicts. I think all of the above need open and frank narratives to help long term relationships be successful and applaud Perel for championing them.
Writing skills aside, Perel's main themes are the massive expectations placed on modern relationships (be my best friend, confidant, lover, and soul mate, all of them all the time!), how sometimes these roles can be in opposition, and ways to recognize and discuss the resultant conflicts. I think all of the above need open and frank narratives to help long term relationships be successful and applaud Perel for championing them.