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pdestrienne's review against another edition
adventurous
emotional
tense
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? N/A
- Diverse cast of characters? N/A
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
4.25
I was kind of afraid I wouldn't be in the right frame of mind to read this, based on its trigger warnings, that it would be too heavy. And, while it deals with heavy things, it is written with lightness and healing. The narrative moves fast with a propulsive mix of plot and character development moving in tandem. Set in an alternate America where a cult has bought up a park and former zoo in the middle of Baltimore, it spends only one chapter in that insular place before exploding the cult member's lives and having their sanctuary raided by the FBI. So as readers we don't ever get an objective view of the Fellowship of the Anointed - we focus on 5 of its members, 2 most of the time, with the leader shown in flashbacks, and we see the daily life through the perspectives of the members, which are unreliable as far as our reality goes, especially for Lark, who believes wholly in the destiny and purpose of the Anointed. These are children raised apart from their biological parents, partnered in order to produce magic through pain and care, so they can go out into the world to fight monsters and FOEs at age 25. These missions seem doomed to fail in many ways, but especially because the first one to reach 25 doesn't believe anymore. Once the cult is raided, the story becomes a chase and a quest, following Lark as he forms a tentative alliance with two outsiders and tries to use his magic to find the monster he must defeat while evading the FBI. Along the way he wrestles with what he's been taught, with the loneliness he feels now that he's in the world and betrayed by his partner, and with the crush he's developing on Calvin, one of the outsiders helping him. It's really a lovely story about defining friendship, love, and family for yourself, for taking what served you from a former life and divorcing it from abuse and hurt, and finding and healing yourself. Also some hot sex scenes, uncomfortably mixed in with memories of nonconsensual abuse from the elders in the cult - I definitely see the truth in the criticisms that the rape was voyeuristic.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, and Sexual content
surefinewhatever_'s review
adventurous
challenging
dark
emotional
mysterious
sad
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
3.5
Magic (or maybe not?), cults, fandom culture, queer folks who get to exist and go on quests, this book hit so many marks for me. The themes of friendship and support and trust were really compelling. Though the darker parts of this book were incredibly hard for me to stomach (so please refer to the Trigger Warnings). I also felt that the author didn’t even need to include Deryn’s perspective to the split narrative. It wasn’t as present or fleshed out as the others, nor did it have much to offer to the story or plot. Overall, Deryn felt further neglected (which whether that irony because of Deryn’s story was intentional or not, tough to say). I think the text would have been stronger had that been scrapped. The rest of the then/now split worked for me, and it made sense to see Lark, Kane, & Calvin on this journey. This is a really heavy read about navigating trauma, life outside of a cult, and the possibility of magic. Moving, but tough tough tough.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Confinement, Fire/Fire injury, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Torture, and Violence
arithegnome's review
challenging
dark
emotional
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
5.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Blood, Emotional abuse, Forced institutionalization, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual content, Sexual assault, and Sexual violence
kelseyland's review
dark
emotional
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? It's complicated
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
3.75
I think that readers who have extensive familiarity with or participation in fandom culture are the ideal audience for this book, which deals extensively in tropes/topics that are popular in fanfiction but might be jarring for other readers. It's an intense book and deals extensively with trauma, so I would definitely recommend reading and heeding the content warning printed in the book.
Content warning, per book flap: First, Become Ashes contains explicit sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as abuse and consent violations, including rape.
Content warning, per book flap: First, Become Ashes contains explicit sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as abuse and consent violations, including rape.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Physical abuse, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Torture, and Self harm
bookshelfsos's review against another edition
adventurous
slow-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? No
- Loveable characters? No
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? No
1.5
Why do I do this to myself? Why? I knew I probably wouldn't like First, Become Ashes because I didn't like Docile. But damn if the premise and the marketing didn't get me again.
The blurb on the front of this book promises that it will "tackle trauma and healing without flinching" which was incredibly misleading to the point of being irresponsible. Because while there is trauma - heaps of self-harm, abuse, and rape - there is no healing. At least not on the page. The journey from Lark being brainwashed by the cult he grew up in to "healed" is akin to teleportation: we were there one minute and now we're here. Tada! This is not a story about cult deprogramming. It is not a story about someone coming to terms with abuse. This is a story about tropes that Szpara thinks are fun and cutesy pop culture references, off-puttingly intertwined with graphic and intensely unsexy sex scenes.
Speaking of which, it feels irresponsible not to mention a warning about the sex scenes. Particularly if you are coming to this book looking for sensitivity around the subject of sexual assault or healing from sexual abuse, please know that you’re not going to get that here. The book warns you about the content at the beginning, but a content warning doesn’t have the context to inform the reader that this book doesn’t just contain scenes of sexual assault. It revels in them with voyeuristic pleasure (literally). If it seems like it might be more that just a bit irresponsible to lure readers in with a story of “healing from abuse” and then offer instead rape erotica, then I’m going to go ahead and call this book irresponsible. If you want to write rape erotica, do that. If you enjoy dark tropes, have the self-respect to own that. Just don’t dress up your darker fantasies in the politically correct language of the day and try to pass it off as “healing”.
Ok, with that out of the way I guess I’ll touch on some positives. I will say that I actually enjoyed the experience of reading First, Become Ashes more than Docile, mainly because I think Szpara has improved as a writer. So props to growth and development, I guess. I thought that the pacing and the technical aspects of the writing here were both good. Despite being very uninvested in the story (I can't really enjoy a story when I dislike every character), I managed to get through the book quickly and was actually curious about some of the more mysterious plot threads that were set up. Who was Nova and where did she come from? Why would the city of Baltimore, in an otherwise entirely normal reality where they're hosting major conventions and have cool hipster neighborhoods, sell off hundreds of acres of a public park to a private individual and let them close it off and start a cult in the middle of the city? What did Deryn do to lose their position as an Anointed? Is magic real? Sadly, the payoff for all of these questions is exactly nil. Not one of them will be answered, or at least not to my satisfaction.
The biggest frustration for me with First, Become Ashes is the wasted potential. In the right author's hands the story of two young men growing up in an abusive cult and then having one of them stop believing and "betray" the cult to the FBI is such a good hook. There is love and betrayal. There is confusion of what is real and what isn't. There are questions of loyalty and how far you should go to appease someone you love when they are doing harm to themselves. All of these questions make for compelling character motivations and arcs. But we never see that here because all 300 pages of First, Become Ashes are devoted to Szpara exploring things that he thinks are cute or cool to the detriment of any enjoyment that the reader might have had. I guess if your interests as a reader are perfectly aligned with the author's - if you enjoy Lord of the Rings, Dungeons & Dragons, Harry Potter, cosplay, nerd culture, *and* BDSM - then it's *possible* you might find this book right up your alley. I would not say that it's a guarantee though, because everything here is superficial and ultimately irrelevant to the story. The trappings of geekiness and of kinkiness are seemingly just there to entertain the author and anyone else who finds kinship in shared love of intellectual property. Sadly, that's not nearly enough for me and this book proved to be a frustration and a disappointment.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, and Torture
foreverinastory's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
mysterious
reflective
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
Content Warnings
Graphic: Blood, Child abuse, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Torture, Toxic relationship, and Violence
Moderate: Transphobia
Minor: Acephobia/Arophobia and Kidnapping
HP referencesnoslowregard's review against another edition
adventurous
challenging
dark
emotional
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? Yes
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated
5.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Torture, and Blood
morelikelibrarybooked's review against another edition
adventurous
challenging
dark
emotional
funny
hopeful
sad
tense
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? A mix
- Strong character development? Yes
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
2.5
* I was sent a physical ARC by the publisher in exchange for an honest review*
So let me start off with the good things, the things I actually enjoyed about the book. I liked the inclusion of a content warning page prior to the actual title page of the book. I think all books that have triggering content should include these content warning pages. There's nothing worse than reading a book and suddenly coming across something upsetting. So it's safe to say that I believe if a reader gets offended by anything that is warned on the content warning page, it is 100% on them and not the author. (The emboldened words at the bottom of the summary are the same on the content warning page, in case you were curious for the trigger warnings). In terms of the actual content of the book, I vibe with Szpara's writing. I think that his writing is very accessible and simple, but effective. When I say that the writing is simple, I don't mean that in a mean way. Simple writing is digestible, it makes the story more appealing for a broader audience. And though it was simple, his writing was also very strong and harrowing at different points. He was able to really capture the feelings and the intentions of the characters. Their trauma was not taken for granted, the things they went through were not romanticized. The traumatic events of the book were handled very effectively. There was inclusivity in the cast of characters, which was nice. I liked the addition of the open relationship/throuple because love triangles are dumb. Throuples are infinitely better.
Some of the characters felt well rounded enough for me to become attached. I definitely liked Kane the most of everyone, and Lillian (to a lesser extent). But, me saying that gives some insight into my feelings about the book. If you read it, I think you'll understand. I think that one's projected enjoyment of the book can be determined based on the characters that you like. If you just love Calvin, I think that you will like this book. Chances are that you have a more hopeful outlook, you're not as cynical and you can accept the premise this book begins to shift into in the latter half. This is where I start to get really negative.
I have to start my criticisms by saying that I think this book should have been 150-200 pages longer. I feel like most of my qualms would have been solved if it could have only been longer. If you took the chunk of Docile that almost made it too long and tacked it onto this one, it would've been much better. By this I mean the court case. I went into Docile not expecting a trial whereas I needed one for First Become Ashes and I didn't get it. I have so many questions about the cult, Nova, and what happened afterward. It was disappointing to me to never understand the true breadth of the Fellowship of the Anointed, that was what I really wanted the most. If it had had those extra 150-200 pages, then we could've gotten not only the trial, we could have seen some more healing for the characters. They went through so much and we only get a glimpse into the healing and that was mainly Lark (although not as much as I would've liked, which I will get into later).
I just could not understand the purpose of the book. I went into it expecting one thing, and I came out of it unclear what I was meant to get out of it. I don't know if magic was meant to be real. I did NOT want magic to be real. It felt to me, that if magic was real, then Nova won. It felt like justification for all of the awful things that these cult members went through. That obviously was not the point. The point was probably something more hopeful, more in the vein of "magic isn't real because of the pain, rather it exists in spite of it." But that just wasn't how I felt at all. If magic had been real, I would've liked a much more fleshed out system. If it isn't pain, then what is it? I need it to be fleshed out, because otherwise it just still feels like Nova was justified. Without a specific system (learned or just pre-established) magic feels cheap and convenient. It only seemed to be "real" when it was convenient to move the story forward. On the same page, it felt like none of the character's motivations made much sense to me. They did initially, but it felt like whenever they would have a change of heart they would backpedal almost immediately. This happened with Calvin, Kane, and especially Lark. Not so much Deryn, but Deryn kind of just got on my nerves. I didn't vibe with their whole personality, though it felt appropriate for their character. It felt like Lark never really learned anything. If anything, whenever he would begin to question things, he would be brought right back into his beliefs by something happening that justified his actions (his actions which were intention to commit felonies).
This book is very divisive, similar to how Docile was divisive, but for completely different reasons. This one depends on your ability to suspend your disbelief and accept what is happening. You have to be rooting for magic, rather than for boring, common sense (like me). As much as I hate to say it, I think people that love The Foxhole Court, will like this book. I really disliked The Foxhole Court, but a ton of people love it. Somehow this book has the same energy. Let me be clear again, I did NOT hate First Become Ashes. Compared to The Foxhole Court, this one was much better, far more palatable. But, I'm just saying that if you enjoyed that book, I get the feeling that this one will hit the mark for you as well.
So, I didn't really like the book. I found it to be disappointing for me personally. I do think that there are people who would really enjoy it though. I've seen reviews of people really enjoying it. So, if you're not naturally cynical/are able to suspend your disbelief for contemporary stories and you think the premise sound interesting, read it! For everyone else who did not like The Foxhole Court and is just naturally negative/cynical, maybe try Docile. It has some similar elements to this one, but with a Black Mirror feel. It had its' problematic moments, but I really enjoyed it.
So let me start off with the good things, the things I actually enjoyed about the book. I liked the inclusion of a content warning page prior to the actual title page of the book. I think all books that have triggering content should include these content warning pages. There's nothing worse than reading a book and suddenly coming across something upsetting. So it's safe to say that I believe if a reader gets offended by anything that is warned on the content warning page, it is 100% on them and not the author. (The emboldened words at the bottom of the summary are the same on the content warning page, in case you were curious for the trigger warnings). In terms of the actual content of the book, I vibe with Szpara's writing. I think that his writing is very accessible and simple, but effective. When I say that the writing is simple, I don't mean that in a mean way. Simple writing is digestible, it makes the story more appealing for a broader audience. And though it was simple, his writing was also very strong and harrowing at different points. He was able to really capture the feelings and the intentions of the characters. Their trauma was not taken for granted, the things they went through were not romanticized. The traumatic events of the book were handled very effectively. There was inclusivity in the cast of characters, which was nice. I liked the addition of the open relationship/throuple because love triangles are dumb. Throuples are infinitely better.
Some of the characters felt well rounded enough for me to become attached. I definitely liked Kane the most of everyone, and Lillian (to a lesser extent). But, me saying that gives some insight into my feelings about the book. If you read it, I think you'll understand. I think that one's projected enjoyment of the book can be determined based on the characters that you like. If you just love Calvin, I think that you will like this book. Chances are that you have a more hopeful outlook, you're not as cynical and you can accept the premise this book begins to shift into in the latter half. This is where I start to get really negative.
I have to start my criticisms by saying that I think this book should have been 150-200 pages longer. I feel like most of my qualms would have been solved if it could have only been longer. If you took the chunk of Docile that almost made it too long and tacked it onto this one, it would've been much better. By this I mean the court case. I went into Docile not expecting a trial whereas I needed one for First Become Ashes and I didn't get it. I have so many questions about the cult, Nova, and what happened afterward. It was disappointing to me to never understand the true breadth of the Fellowship of the Anointed, that was what I really wanted the most. If it had had those extra 150-200 pages, then we could've gotten not only the trial, we could have seen some more healing for the characters. They went through so much and we only get a glimpse into the healing and that was mainly Lark (although not as much as I would've liked, which I will get into later).
I just could not understand the purpose of the book. I went into it expecting one thing, and I came out of it unclear what I was meant to get out of it. I don't know if magic was meant to be real. I did NOT want magic to be real. It felt to me, that if magic was real, then Nova won. It felt like justification for all of the awful things that these cult members went through. That obviously was not the point. The point was probably something more hopeful, more in the vein of "magic isn't real because of the pain, rather it exists in spite of it." But that just wasn't how I felt at all. If magic had been real, I would've liked a much more fleshed out system. If it isn't pain, then what is it? I need it to be fleshed out, because otherwise it just still feels like Nova was justified. Without a specific system (learned or just pre-established) magic feels cheap and convenient. It only seemed to be "real" when it was convenient to move the story forward. On the same page, it felt like none of the character's motivations made much sense to me. They did initially, but it felt like whenever they would have a change of heart they would backpedal almost immediately. This happened with Calvin, Kane, and especially Lark. Not so much Deryn, but Deryn kind of just got on my nerves. I didn't vibe with their whole personality, though it felt appropriate for their character. It felt like Lark never really learned anything. If anything, whenever he would begin to question things, he would be brought right back into his beliefs by something happening that justified his actions (his actions which were intention to commit felonies).
This book is very divisive, similar to how Docile was divisive, but for completely different reasons. This one depends on your ability to suspend your disbelief and accept what is happening. You have to be rooting for magic, rather than for boring, common sense (like me). As much as I hate to say it, I think people that love The Foxhole Court, will like this book. I really disliked The Foxhole Court, but a ton of people love it. Somehow this book has the same energy. Let me be clear again, I did NOT hate First Become Ashes. Compared to The Foxhole Court, this one was much better, far more palatable. But, I'm just saying that if you enjoyed that book, I get the feeling that this one will hit the mark for you as well.
So, I didn't really like the book. I found it to be disappointing for me personally. I do think that there are people who would really enjoy it though. I've seen reviews of people really enjoying it. So, if you're not naturally cynical/are able to suspend your disbelief for contemporary stories and you think the premise sound interesting, read it! For everyone else who did not like The Foxhole Court and is just naturally negative/cynical, maybe try Docile. It has some similar elements to this one, but with a Black Mirror feel. It had its' problematic moments, but I really enjoyed it.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Violence, and Torture
ninegladiolus's review against another edition
challenging
dark
tense
fast-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? It's complicated
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
2.0
After enjoying Szpara’s debut novel, Docile—while also recognizing and acknowledging the important critiques around how race was represented within it—I wanted to give his sophomore work a shot. I’m a sucker for cult stories, unreliable narrators, messy relationships, and explorations of deep rooted trauma, especially when they involve queer characters and are written by a queer author, and that’s what I thought I would be getting out of this. And I did get that… sort of? The ‘sort of’ part is more where my critique of First, Become Ashes rests.
Before we begin, I want to preface this review by stating that my rating isn’t influenced by the content warned for at the beginning of the book: “explicit sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as abuse and consent violations, including rape.” I can confirm those are all present and in many cases rendered in excruciating detail, so if any of those themes are upsetting to you at all, please give this one a pass. Having spent so much time in the realm of fanfiction (which is wonderful, contains many valid and beautiful stories both explicit and for general audiences, and is a valid form of writing and reading and personal exploration), there’s… y’all, there’s not a lot I HAVEN’T seen at this point. The two stars is not for the content that is sometimes deeply disturbing, sometimes charged and erotic, and sometimes a deliberate mixture of the two many may find challenging or not for them.
The story follows three primary POVs: Lark, our protagonist and Anointed one who is deeply entrenched in the abuse and beliefs of the Fellowship; Kane, his Anointed partner in multiple senses of the word who leaves Lark and then shows up again during the FBI raid on the Fellowship that opens up the book; and Calvin, successful cosplayer, influencer, and all around nerd. We also have Deryn, a non-binary POV character who believes themself to be Lark’s sibling, who has chapters sporadically throughout the novel. In addition to these four rotating POVs, we also have different time lines, split into Now/’Confidential’ (Past).
I think this novel suffered for the jarring and tonally dissonant mashing up of time lines. In the now, we follow Lark’s journey after the cult is busted but while he still believes he needs to go on his quests to kill ambiguously referenced ‘monsters’, teaming up with Calvin after they encounter one another at a convention by chance. From numerous pop culture references—including 6 or 7 Harry Potter references, which truly I thought we were done with—to wild treks in the woods, to learning how to use a cell phone, to sadomasochistic rituals on the side of the highway to recharge ‘magic’, to sensual hair washing, the Now time line is all over the place for me. Even with the wide swathe of topics covered in the Now, I could still get on board with it if it was more focused on Lark and how he comes to terms with the raid on the Fellowship and his subsequent entry into the ‘real’ world.
However, the juxtaposition of the ‘Confidential’ time line, which largely deals with Kane recounting the massive amounts of trauma and abuse the members of the Fellowship underwent (and contains the most intense, though not all, of the content warnings listed at the beginning of the book/review) made the structure of this book hard to follow. I don’t feel this novel was well served by the insertion of Massive Trauma, Stage Left after the chaotic modern day shenanigans of the other time line. A narrative digging deep into the Fellowship and its abuses, while it would have been hard to read, would have made for a more compelling story. As it stands, even though I don’t believe this was the intent of choosing to interweave the two stories, Kane’s ‘Confidential’ time line ended up feeling wildly jarring and out of place. It seemed positioned for shock value in some cases and taboo titillation—which again, your kink is not my kink—in others which disrupted the coherency of the story. Add in Deryn’s POV, which I’m still not sure what it aimed to accomplish aside from a thin link to ideas about familial connection and redemption (even though hey, non-binary character who uses they/them pronouns, cool), and you have a tangled mess of elements pulling in several entirely separate directions.
The other main reason this book didn’t work for me was a lack of character motivation. We are told Lark needs to kill a monster, but we are not sold on the why other than ‘he believes it’, and the comparatively little space we get of him unpacking his trauma feels rushed. We are meant to believe Calvin would leave his normal, successful life complete with friends and support systems on two premises: that he’s so desperate to feel special he wants to believe ‘magic’ exists, and that Lark looks super hot dressed as an elf. Kane has the strongest and most sensible motivations in the beginning, but some of the choices he makes late game are perplexing and nonsensical to me. And again, beyond Deryn’s conviction that a blood relation means something, I wasn’t sold on why they chose to do the things they did within the novel beyond the motivations I was told and not shown.
Add in weak antagonists who are poorly developed or taken off screen without a satisfying payoff for the reader, women painted exclusively as sidekicks or villains yet again, and several key elements of the worldbuilding left ambiguous to the point of ‘frustrating’ instead of ‘intriguing’, and I sadly have to say First, Become Ashes wasn’t for me.
Your mileage, of course, may vary. I would have loved to see either the cult trauma or the (anti?) hero’s journey story lines delved into more deeply rather than the confusing mash that was the two. The jury is out at this point if I will be picking up another Szpara novel; despite his exploration of topics I SHOULD be interested in, I think there’s just too much of a differential in the lenses we approach them through. As long as you are in a space to handle the provided content warnings, I think those who choose to pick it up will have strong opinions one way or the other about First, Become Ashes. It’s not a story that provides a lot of room for a middle of the road opinion, and unfortunately I fell on the less favourable side.
Thank you to Tor and NetGalley for an advance copy in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.
Before we begin, I want to preface this review by stating that my rating isn’t influenced by the content warned for at the beginning of the book: “explicit sadomasochism and sexual content, as well as abuse and consent violations, including rape.” I can confirm those are all present and in many cases rendered in excruciating detail, so if any of those themes are upsetting to you at all, please give this one a pass. Having spent so much time in the realm of fanfiction (which is wonderful, contains many valid and beautiful stories both explicit and for general audiences, and is a valid form of writing and reading and personal exploration), there’s… y’all, there’s not a lot I HAVEN’T seen at this point. The two stars is not for the content that is sometimes deeply disturbing, sometimes charged and erotic, and sometimes a deliberate mixture of the two many may find challenging or not for them.
The story follows three primary POVs: Lark, our protagonist and Anointed one who is deeply entrenched in the abuse and beliefs of the Fellowship; Kane, his Anointed partner in multiple senses of the word who leaves Lark and then shows up again during the FBI raid on the Fellowship that opens up the book; and Calvin, successful cosplayer, influencer, and all around nerd. We also have Deryn, a non-binary POV character who believes themself to be Lark’s sibling, who has chapters sporadically throughout the novel. In addition to these four rotating POVs, we also have different time lines, split into Now/’Confidential’ (Past).
I think this novel suffered for the jarring and tonally dissonant mashing up of time lines. In the now, we follow Lark’s journey after the cult is busted but while he still believes he needs to go on his quests to kill ambiguously referenced ‘monsters’, teaming up with Calvin after they encounter one another at a convention by chance. From numerous pop culture references—including 6 or 7 Harry Potter references, which truly I thought we were done with—to wild treks in the woods, to learning how to use a cell phone, to sadomasochistic rituals on the side of the highway to recharge ‘magic’, to sensual hair washing, the Now time line is all over the place for me. Even with the wide swathe of topics covered in the Now, I could still get on board with it if it was more focused on Lark and how he comes to terms with the raid on the Fellowship and his subsequent entry into the ‘real’ world.
However, the juxtaposition of the ‘Confidential’ time line, which largely deals with Kane recounting the massive amounts of trauma and abuse the members of the Fellowship underwent (and contains the most intense, though not all, of the content warnings listed at the beginning of the book/review) made the structure of this book hard to follow. I don’t feel this novel was well served by the insertion of Massive Trauma, Stage Left after the chaotic modern day shenanigans of the other time line. A narrative digging deep into the Fellowship and its abuses, while it would have been hard to read, would have made for a more compelling story. As it stands, even though I don’t believe this was the intent of choosing to interweave the two stories, Kane’s ‘Confidential’ time line ended up feeling wildly jarring and out of place. It seemed positioned for shock value in some cases and taboo titillation—which again, your kink is not my kink—in others which disrupted the coherency of the story. Add in Deryn’s POV, which I’m still not sure what it aimed to accomplish aside from a thin link to ideas about familial connection and redemption (even though hey, non-binary character who uses they/them pronouns, cool), and you have a tangled mess of elements pulling in several entirely separate directions.
The other main reason this book didn’t work for me was a lack of character motivation. We are told Lark needs to kill a monster, but we are not sold on the why other than ‘he believes it’, and the comparatively little space we get of him unpacking his trauma feels rushed. We are meant to believe Calvin would leave his normal, successful life complete with friends and support systems on two premises: that he’s so desperate to feel special he wants to believe ‘magic’ exists, and that Lark looks super hot dressed as an elf. Kane has the strongest and most sensible motivations in the beginning, but some of the choices he makes late game are perplexing and nonsensical to me. And again, beyond Deryn’s conviction that a blood relation means something, I wasn’t sold on why they chose to do the things they did within the novel beyond the motivations I was told and not shown.
Add in weak antagonists who are poorly developed or taken off screen without a satisfying payoff for the reader, women painted exclusively as sidekicks or villains yet again, and several key elements of the worldbuilding left ambiguous to the point of ‘frustrating’ instead of ‘intriguing’, and I sadly have to say First, Become Ashes wasn’t for me.
Your mileage, of course, may vary. I would have loved to see either the cult trauma or the (anti?) hero’s journey story lines delved into more deeply rather than the confusing mash that was the two. The jury is out at this point if I will be picking up another Szpara novel; despite his exploration of topics I SHOULD be interested in, I think there’s just too much of a differential in the lenses we approach them through. As long as you are in a space to handle the provided content warnings, I think those who choose to pick it up will have strong opinions one way or the other about First, Become Ashes. It’s not a story that provides a lot of room for a middle of the road opinion, and unfortunately I fell on the less favourable side.
Thank you to Tor and NetGalley for an advance copy in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Blood, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, and Sexual violence
elliotvanz's review
adventurous
emotional
tense
medium-paced
- Plot- or character-driven? Character
- Strong character development? It's complicated
- Loveable characters? It's complicated
- Diverse cast of characters? Yes
- Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes
3.0
I'm really on the fence about this one. It has plenty of ingredients I find intriguing: unreliable narration, cults, queer romance, and overall weirdness. The pacing kept me reading and I whipped through this fairly swiftly. It falls into the category of stories that are super messed up, which is usually something I find intriguing, but was at times really uncomfortable. (This book qualifies for pretty much every trigger warning connected to abuse I can think of, and then some.) I never really fully connected to this narrative though. I appreciate that Szpara wanted to keep the nature of reality ambiguous - is there really magic in this world, or is it all a delusion/metaphor? - but I wanted a hard answer on that, and the doubt made it difficult for me to connect to anyone emotionally. I spent most of my time with this story hunting for clues, analyzing, and just trying to answer that one central question. As a result I never fully invested in the rest. This won't bother some people, so your milage may vary.
Here's the thing: I'm just not sure Szpara's books are for me. They keep me reading, and have elements I find really interesting, but I come out of them with really mixed feelings and wishing I had read a different story than the one I got. This is just a personal taste thing. I think a lot of people will really love this one. (I also think a lot of people will find this repellant.) I'm glad it's out there, and I don't regret reading it, but ultimately it's just not my cup of tea.
Here's the thing: I'm just not sure Szpara's books are for me. They keep me reading, and have elements I find really interesting, but I come out of them with really mixed feelings and wishing I had read a different story than the one I got. This is just a personal taste thing. I think a lot of people will really love this one. (I also think a lot of people will find this repellant.) I'm glad it's out there, and I don't regret reading it, but ultimately it's just not my cup of tea.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Pedophilia, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Slavery, Torture, and Toxic relationship