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How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women by Terrence Real
erikagarzaelorduy's review against another edition
4.5
I was read for filth "The difference between real acceptance and just backing away from an issue, or away from the whole relationship, is resentment."
I saw myself as emotionally intelligent and mature, when really, I was being cowardly in not sharing the things I didn't like in my partner/relationship BUT STILL resented him for it - unfair for all
I saw myself as emotionally intelligent and mature, when really, I was being cowardly in not sharing the things I didn't like in my partner/relationship BUT STILL resented him for it - unfair for all
i_read_big_boucs's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.5
I learnt a lot from this book about gender and about family therapy. I picked it up after reading Come Together by Emily Nagoski, and though I was skeptical at first, the overwhelming positive comments convinced me.
In a nutshell, this book suggests that the "impartiality" paradigm of most family and couple's therapy fails because it acts as if the problems are equally caused by both partners and their dynamics. However, the author argues that this is wrong because it doesn't account for patriarchal dynamics. He argues that actually the problem is most modern romantic relationships comes from men being entirely unequipped to deal with the expectations of their wives for closeness, care and support due to receiving a patriarchal masculine socialisation incompatible with satisfying close relationships. 70 years ago, most women started doing both historically masculine and feminine roles, but men didn't pick up the feminine roles and now they are not pulling their weight. Most marriages don't fail because both people are unsatisfied: they fail because the wife is unhappy with her husband, and the husband is upset that his wife is unhappy with him. And instead of building connection first, as is traditional in therapeutic relationship, the author proposes to do the opposite: bring the truth to the husband, help him realise the consequences of his behavior, and try to get him to commit to fixing up his shit so he can have a good relationship. Empower the woman to stop swallowing her own needs, speak up, and insist on better behavior. And he argues that third parties are necessary for this to help the husband listen and take accountability because the patriarchy frames her as a nag he doesn't need to listen to.
This book is such a breath of fresh air after reading traditional self-help books that place a lot of blame on the women. It is a remedy against a gaslighting story that represents situations that are not symmetrical as symmetrical... for instance the John Gottman books. Very interesting about how to bond with a human, but bewilderingly lacking of perspective on sexism.
I loved how this book articulated seeing men as both "victims" and "perpetrators" at the same time. He writes that men tend to oscillate between patterns of grandiosity and shame, while many women just have shame, and that we especially need to understand how to work with the psychology of grandiosity. He also writes that patriarchal trauma typically occurs much earlier for boys than for little girls, which explains in his view why men articulate it much less well and are less aware of it.
This book works within the paradigm of Carol Gilligan's developmental psychology, which is about psychological patriarchy. Her basic view is that patriarchy takes love away from boys while taking voice away from girls. What I didn't expect but loved was learning so much about family therapy, actually, it really hit home for me and making sense of my own childhood and the roles we played in my family.
This book leaves me with the question: how can men learn emotional labor skills? Right now I feel like it often falls on the feminine partner to raise their masculine partner... are there more collective solutions to this?
In a nutshell, this book suggests that the "impartiality" paradigm of most family and couple's therapy fails because it acts as if the problems are equally caused by both partners and their dynamics. However, the author argues that this is wrong because it doesn't account for patriarchal dynamics. He argues that actually the problem is most modern romantic relationships comes from men being entirely unequipped to deal with the expectations of their wives for closeness, care and support due to receiving a patriarchal masculine socialisation incompatible with satisfying close relationships. 70 years ago, most women started doing both historically masculine and feminine roles, but men didn't pick up the feminine roles and now they are not pulling their weight. Most marriages don't fail because both people are unsatisfied: they fail because the wife is unhappy with her husband, and the husband is upset that his wife is unhappy with him. And instead of building connection first, as is traditional in therapeutic relationship, the author proposes to do the opposite: bring the truth to the husband, help him realise the consequences of his behavior, and try to get him to commit to fixing up his shit so he can have a good relationship. Empower the woman to stop swallowing her own needs, speak up, and insist on better behavior. And he argues that third parties are necessary for this to help the husband listen and take accountability because the patriarchy frames her as a nag he doesn't need to listen to.
This book is such a breath of fresh air after reading traditional self-help books that place a lot of blame on the women. It is a remedy against a gaslighting story that represents situations that are not symmetrical as symmetrical... for instance the John Gottman books. Very interesting about how to bond with a human, but bewilderingly lacking of perspective on sexism.
I loved how this book articulated seeing men as both "victims" and "perpetrators" at the same time. He writes that men tend to oscillate between patterns of grandiosity and shame, while many women just have shame, and that we especially need to understand how to work with the psychology of grandiosity. He also writes that patriarchal trauma typically occurs much earlier for boys than for little girls, which explains in his view why men articulate it much less well and are less aware of it.
This book works within the paradigm of Carol Gilligan's developmental psychology, which is about psychological patriarchy. Her basic view is that patriarchy takes love away from boys while taking voice away from girls. What I didn't expect but loved was learning so much about family therapy, actually, it really hit home for me and making sense of my own childhood and the roles we played in my family.
This book leaves me with the question: how can men learn emotional labor skills? Right now I feel like it often falls on the feminine partner to raise their masculine partner... are there more collective solutions to this?
ann_gogetit's review against another edition
emotional
funny
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
3.75
hollymac's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
5.0
zabiume's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
4.5
I was initially skeptical/apprehensive about reading this book, as I find self-help books to be too unrealistic in their approach to the human condition. Terry's book, however, was a breath of fresh air. Though some of the things he says might initially seem obvious within feminist discourse, his solutions for change are a worthwhile read that exposes some of the limitations of the broader sociopolitical movement (while still emphasizing the need for feminism/a destruction of patriarchy). I love how realistic his approach is to recovery and recovering intimacy, and I found a lot of his advice and observations to be reasonable. He gives off a very kind and nuanced vibe in his writing that makes him easy to trust, since he isn't making empty, overarching promises. It helps that he considers the effects of capitalism and patriarchy on marriage far more than I've seen others do. Yet, at the same time, the book (and Terry himself) manage to strike a balance between systemic, cultural issues versus personal issues that are specific to the couples he talks about in the book.
Obviously, since this was non-fiction, my criteria for judging the writing style is different than they would be for fiction. One thing I really liked about Terry's writing is his use of specific examples, using his own clients' cases, personal anecdotes, movie quotes, poetry, research papers etc. Even though the content is bulky and I'm afraid I might not be able to remember a lot of it, his vision and perspective was really eye-opening. Some of the sentences felt tediously long, but it's not off-putting and nothing that can't be fixed by reading it again twice or thrice. A little detail I noticed and loved is how Terry would sometimes pepper in his own emotions and reactions in therapy—feeling intimidated by a client, liking them, feeling a little disgusted by them for a moment, feeling tenderness towards them. Often, we view therapy as very detached and cool and therapists as experts who are unfazed by things we regular humans are fazed by. Getting his internal monologue and insight humanized him and showed that maturity isn't something therapists are intuitively gifted with but a skill they practice. It's truly incredible how many emotionally-charged sessions he partakes in and still manages to try and help the couples to the best of his ability. I also appreciate his vulnerability in sharing about his own marriage and shortcomings within it.
Will I remember and apply everything in this book? Who knows. But I did tear up once or twice during my read and the book both reaffirmed some of my existing beliefs while destroying other, more naive ones. All in all, I liked this book and I'm glad I stuck through with finishing it!
Obviously, since this was non-fiction, my criteria for judging the writing style is different than they would be for fiction. One thing I really liked about Terry's writing is his use of specific examples, using his own clients' cases, personal anecdotes, movie quotes, poetry, research papers etc. Even though the content is bulky and I'm afraid I might not be able to remember a lot of it, his vision and perspective was really eye-opening. Some of the sentences felt tediously long, but it's not off-putting and nothing that can't be fixed by reading it again twice or thrice. A little detail I noticed and loved is how
Will I remember and apply everything in this book? Who knows. But I did tear up once or twice during my read and the book both reaffirmed some of my existing beliefs while destroying other, more naive ones. All in all, I liked this book and I'm glad I stuck through with finishing it!
yvkhan's review against another edition
5.0
The creative writing can be very tired but the insights themselves are deeply illuminating and some of the case studies are especially moving.
ana_1989's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
funny
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0