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aliceewertsson's review against another edition
4.0
4.5 stars rounded up.
It is clear that this book was written for people with an anxious attachment style. However, as someone with an avoidant attachment style I still found it very interesting and I learned a lot.
This is a book everyone should read in my opinion.
It is clear that this book was written for people with an anxious attachment style. However, as someone with an avoidant attachment style I still found it very interesting and I learned a lot.
This is a book everyone should read in my opinion.
ruttery's review against another edition
3.0
Not really sure how to rate this. I do find attachment styles interesting and think the different styles generally hold true. However I can't help but feel that not everyone fits rigidly into a neat little box. Personally I felt my attachment style has changed depending on the dynamic of the relationship and I've probably been anxious, avoidant and secure within different situations.
This is very hetero and mononormative and gives no acknowledgement of non-heterosexual relationships or non-monogamy. Which is interesting as I feel my sexuality has definitely fed into my attachment style.
There was really no hope of redemption for avoidant attachment styles in this book, even though it seems both secure and anxious styles can do no wrong, no matter how smothering an anxious style may become. I also sensed a slight bit of judgment towards people who are happy being single and independent, or who don't necessarily "need" a romantic relationship. A shame as I feel avoidance is also a symptom of anxiety towards relationships rather than cold heartlessness. And that's speaking as someone who tends to lean secure-anxious.
That being said, secure partnerships are obviously a good thing to aim for and it's good to be aware of these things if you're someone who falls into the same patterns.
This is very hetero and mononormative and gives no acknowledgement of non-heterosexual relationships or non-monogamy. Which is interesting as I feel my sexuality has definitely fed into my attachment style.
There was really no hope of redemption for avoidant attachment styles in this book, even though it seems both secure and anxious styles can do no wrong, no matter how smothering an anxious style may become. I also sensed a slight bit of judgment towards people who are happy being single and independent, or who don't necessarily "need" a romantic relationship. A shame as I feel avoidance is also a symptom of anxiety towards relationships rather than cold heartlessness. And that's speaking as someone who tends to lean secure-anxious.
That being said, secure partnerships are obviously a good thing to aim for and it's good to be aware of these things if you're someone who falls into the same patterns.
jpowerj's review against another edition
1.0
To me it's just... The most egregious example of the hubris of pop psychology. It made me physically cringe with how much it resembles e.g. phrenology books from 100 years ago. Totally lacking in self-critical reflection, it basically just says "here are a bunch of types of people, if you're one of these types, make sure you don't interact with these other types!"
dunningsk's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
reflective
fast-paced
3.75
I think a lot of people are probably already pretty familiar with the "basics" of attachment theory at this point. It's definitely begun to creep into our cultural consciousness. I think this is worth reading if you want to get a more objective, research-based understanding of the topic. This is not a book about how to "heal" or "change" your attachment style. It gives some advice on how to navigate dating/relationships by understanding your current attachment style and what kind of partner may mesh with that.
A lot of the criticism of this book centers around it being biased toward anxious types/against avoidant types, or painting avoidant types in a bad light. I'm more of an anxious type so certainly I have my own biases. But I can also say from experience - it's just true that if you are anxiously attached, an avoidant type is not going to be a good partner for you. Sure there are exceptions, but one of the major points of the book is that we should stop trying to FORCE relationships that have the odds stacked against them. If you are anxiously attached and you recognize that about yourself - stop pursuing people who don't want to, for example, text throughout the day, hang out every night, are reticent to use words of affirmation etc. Similarly, if you are an avoidant type, stop pursuing people who NEED those things to be happy in a relationship.
There is not really anything in here about moving toward a more secure type. That is probably beyond the scope of a self help book. What the book does offer is, what I think, is a very important Step 1: become more self aware, and ask yourself hard questions about what you NEED to be fully happy in a relationship. For many people, that is going to mean pursuing partners with a specific attachment style, or at least avoiding certain ones.
A lot of the criticism of this book centers around it being biased toward anxious types/against avoidant types, or painting avoidant types in a bad light. I'm more of an anxious type so certainly I have my own biases. But I can also say from experience - it's just true that if you are anxiously attached, an avoidant type is not going to be a good partner for you. Sure there are exceptions, but one of the major points of the book is that we should stop trying to FORCE relationships that have the odds stacked against them. If you are anxiously attached and you recognize that about yourself - stop pursuing people who don't want to, for example, text throughout the day, hang out every night, are reticent to use words of affirmation etc. Similarly, if you are an avoidant type, stop pursuing people who NEED those things to be happy in a relationship.
There is not really anything in here about moving toward a more secure type. That is probably beyond the scope of a self help book. What the book does offer is, what I think, is a very important Step 1: become more self aware, and ask yourself hard questions about what you NEED to be fully happy in a relationship. For many people, that is going to mean pursuing partners with a specific attachment style, or at least avoiding certain ones.
isa_booktracker_'s review against another edition
hopeful
informative
inspiring
lighthearted
reflective
fast-paced
3.5
waywardcrow's review against another edition
informative
reflective
medium-paced
2.25
Well, I read it. The first few chapters were intriguing and the authors did a pretty good job at painting a picture of the three attachment styles. And then it went downhill from there for me personally. I just always find these types of books to be obnoxiously repetitive. I know emphasis and reinforcement is key to retaining a learning but once a book has made the same point three times, I prefer to move on.
My other criticism of this book is that it’s highly geared towards people with anxious attachment styles. I found the analysis of those with avoidant style to be fairly surface level and the subsequent advice to be only somewhat helpful. I can admit that this could just be a personal experience as I am a mix of secure and avoidant, and the examples provided seemed to gear more into the extreme of emotional abuse. At the very end they do hit on different capacities for intimacy which I think would have been an important factor to discuss earlier on in the book.
My other criticism of this book is that it’s highly geared towards people with anxious attachment styles. I found the analysis of those with avoidant style to be fairly surface level and the subsequent advice to be only somewhat helpful. I can admit that this could just be a personal experience as I am a mix of secure and avoidant, and the examples provided seemed to gear more into the extreme of emotional abuse. At the very end they do hit on different capacities for intimacy which I think would have been an important factor to discuss earlier on in the book.
erinastin's review against another edition
4.0
A simple, straightforward overview of attachment theory, and a super quick read
rmpsenica's review against another edition
Did not have the interest enough m! May pick up earlier!
joe451_'s review against another edition
4.0
GREAT BOOK ABOUT THE ADULT ATTACHMENT STYLE. I benefited a lot, and I found myself thinking more about relationships in terms of attachment rather than the stereotypical way. I didn't just like how the author fu**** the avoidants like please we do have feelings too