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Reviews tagging 'Infidelity'
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
8 reviews
hale7's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.75
A really good intro to the concept of adult attachment and how to change them. Fern makes a good case for approaching nonmonogamy from an attachment framework, but she doesn’t do the work of explaining how attachment theory is currently only constructed for middle class white (and Global North) nuclear families. More nuance is needed to account for intersectionality
Content Warnings
Minor: Infidelity, Gaslighting, Physical abuse, Sexual violence, Toxic relationship, Colonisation, Abandonment, Child abuse, and Emotional abuse
twistykris's review against another edition
challenging
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.75
As someone in a monogamous marriage of over 10 years who is new to considering the world of polyamory personally, this was an incredibly insightful read. It made me think about my childhood and how it contributed to my anxious/ preoccupied attachment, and how that, in turn, has affected my relationships moving forward. I often found myself thinking, "wow this is getting WAY TOO PERSONAL" while reading this 😅
I loved the way the book is sectioned off with Part 1 addressing the attachment styles and trauma, Part 2 focusing on nonmonogamy and how the attachment styles fit in, and Part 3 giving guidance on now to be more secure in your relationships with others and yourself. Each section has some questions and thinking exercises to mull over, as well as some bullet points of suggestions, making it easy to digest.
A few things to note are how this book feels very focused on couples in current relationships transitioning to polyamory, not so much single, solo-poly folks.
I also think there were some suggestions to improve attachment and relationship security that just weren't inclusive of neurodivergent folks- keeping eye contact, always being "on and actively listening" is something that can be very difficult but not intentionally neglectful for someone who's neurodivergent. I would have loved to see more representation for asexual folks as well, as they also can have and enjoy sex!
There are a few charts and graphs used in this book that I don't know are explained well in the audiobook, so if you're able to read a physical/ digital copy or have a friend describe the images to you, I think that could be very beneficial for some.
Overall, this book was very well-written, despite the serious lack of research on attachment styles relating to polyamory. Jessica Fern did a great job of making the attachment styles and types of CNM easy to understand while also relating some of her personal insight as a therapist and someone who practices polyamory herself. I learned so much about myself, my relationship with my partner, and how I can navigate potential relationships in the future!
I loved the way the book is sectioned off with Part 1 addressing the attachment styles and trauma, Part 2 focusing on nonmonogamy and how the attachment styles fit in, and Part 3 giving guidance on now to be more secure in your relationships with others and yourself. Each section has some questions and thinking exercises to mull over, as well as some bullet points of suggestions, making it easy to digest.
A few things to note are how this book feels very focused on couples in current relationships transitioning to polyamory, not so much single, solo-poly folks.
I also think there were some suggestions to improve attachment and relationship security that just weren't inclusive of neurodivergent folks- keeping eye contact, always being "on and actively listening" is something that can be very difficult but not intentionally neglectful for someone who's neurodivergent. I would have loved to see more representation for asexual folks as well, as they also can have and enjoy sex!
There are a few charts and graphs used in this book that I don't know are explained well in the audiobook, so if you're able to read a physical/ digital copy or have a friend describe the images to you, I think that could be very beneficial for some.
Overall, this book was very well-written, despite the serious lack of research on attachment styles relating to polyamory. Jessica Fern did a great job of making the attachment styles and types of CNM easy to understand while also relating some of her personal insight as a therapist and someone who practices polyamory herself. I learned so much about myself, my relationship with my partner, and how I can navigate potential relationships in the future!
Content Warnings
Moderate: Emotional abuse, Toxic relationship, and Infidelity
Minor: Grief and Child abuse
violetends's review
hopeful
informative
reflective
slow-paced
4.75
Throughout the last years I've been slowly reading myself through the polyam books everyone is talking about. I am simultaneously glad and sad it took me so long to get to Polysecure. I could have needed this at the beginning of my exploration of polyam connections. But also it was so helpful reading it now and reflecting upon the experiences I have already made and how I shifted along the different types Fern describes here.
This is well-researched and based on years of personal experience as a therapist focused on non-monogamous individuals and relationships. Her perspective is empathetic while gently nudging the reader to glance at painful feelings, experiences and own behaviours. I appreciate this combination a lot and consider it much more helpful than other approaches I have sometimes read.
Polysecure is a good introduction to nonmonogamy but I also believe that more experienced people can take a lot from it, or those who are in connections with people who are less experienced.
This is well-researched and based on years of personal experience as a therapist focused on non-monogamous individuals and relationships. Her perspective is empathetic while gently nudging the reader to glance at painful feelings, experiences and own behaviours. I appreciate this combination a lot and consider it much more helpful than other approaches I have sometimes read.
Polysecure is a good introduction to nonmonogamy but I also believe that more experienced people can take a lot from it, or those who are in connections with people who are less experienced.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Emotional abuse, Infidelity, Abandonment, Toxic relationship, Child abuse, and Misogyny
emfass's review
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
5.0
Content Warnings
Moderate: Infidelity, Emotional abuse, and Toxic relationship
Minor: Child abuse and Abandonment
ulknehs's review
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.5
3.5 stars overall.
The first part is a great and accessible overview of attachment theory and the impact of trauma; I'd give part one 4 stars.
Part two is a good discussion of consensual non-monogamy and makes an argument for the importance of an attachment lens on CNM. I learnt some things despite being involved and interested in non-monogamy for many years.
Part three is where the book fell slightly short for me. It is a self-help/how-to approach to developing secure attachment in relationships (monogamous or otherwise). It was helpful and interesting, but undermined by its individualistic perspective.
The first part is a great and accessible overview of attachment theory and the impact of trauma; I'd give part one 4 stars.
Part two is a good discussion of consensual non-monogamy and makes an argument for the importance of an attachment lens on CNM. I learnt some things despite being involved and interested in non-monogamy for many years.
Part three is where the book fell slightly short for me. It is a self-help/how-to approach to developing secure attachment in relationships (monogamous or otherwise). It was helpful and interesting, but undermined by its individualistic perspective.
Content Warnings
Minor: Infidelity
rtaire's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
Content Warnings
Moderate: Emotional abuse, Infidelity, and Toxic relationship
Minor: Abandonment and Child abuse
sjanke2's review
1.5
Content Warnings
Moderate: Emotional abuse, Grief, Infidelity, and Toxic relationship
smoladeryn's review
challenging
hopeful
informative
slow-paced
5.0
Phenomenal book for everyone, not just those seeking or practicing polyamory!
I knew most of the concepts in the book before going in, but the way they were collated and presented was digestible, practical, and with utmost compassion.
MUST READ! <3
I knew most of the concepts in the book before going in, but the way they were collated and presented was digestible, practical, and with utmost compassion.
MUST READ! <3
Content Warnings
Moderate: Gaslighting, Grief, Infidelity, Abandonment, Ableism, Child abuse, Colonisation, Classism, Death, Emotional abuse, Panic attacks/disorders, Domestic abuse, and Violence
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