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ssimpson92's review against another edition
5.0
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there” - Rumi
High Conflict by Amanda Ripley is a book I wish everyone would read. Not only is it well written, it provides so much insight into something we are seeing more and more these days: deeply polarizing, (what she calls) “high” conflict. And she does it in the most engaging way. Not only does she include “the research,” she provides real life cases to flesh out the research. The stories of how conflict escalates and how the people enmeshed in it pull themselves out are many and varied. Stories like that of Gary Friedman, a skilled conflict mediator who, despite knowing the pitfalls of high conflict, got drawn into the quagmire of tribal politics when he ran for, and won, local office. There’s also Curtis Toler, a gang leader on the South Side of Chicago, who now helps others extract themselves from gang life. And, because high conflict is not limited to the U.S, she also brings in stories from around the world, like that of Sandra Milena Vera Bustos, a guerrilla fighter in the Colombian civil war, who eventually left the rebel fighters and now works to help reintegrate people like herself into the larger community. These are just a sampling. There are many others.
High conflict, as Ripley notes, is often rooted in an “us vs. them” mentality, a stance we often see in the current political environment. So, there’s just no way to keep politics out of the conversation. But Ripley’s book does not take a stand in the political divide and the discussion goes well beyond the political; her main objective is to show that the dynamics pushing us into high conflict — as well as the techniques that can help to pull us out again — are present in all kinds of situations (from marital disputes to war) and across countries. And that is what is most useful about this book. Not only does she show that we are all susceptible, she gives us proven tools and techniques for working our way out of high conflict, back into healthy disagreement, back into curiosity, back into listening and acknowledging that we are all humans who must figure out how to live together.
I loved this book and highly recommend it!
High Conflict by Amanda Ripley is a book I wish everyone would read. Not only is it well written, it provides so much insight into something we are seeing more and more these days: deeply polarizing, (what she calls) “high” conflict. And she does it in the most engaging way. Not only does she include “the research,” she provides real life cases to flesh out the research. The stories of how conflict escalates and how the people enmeshed in it pull themselves out are many and varied. Stories like that of Gary Friedman, a skilled conflict mediator who, despite knowing the pitfalls of high conflict, got drawn into the quagmire of tribal politics when he ran for, and won, local office. There’s also Curtis Toler, a gang leader on the South Side of Chicago, who now helps others extract themselves from gang life. And, because high conflict is not limited to the U.S, she also brings in stories from around the world, like that of Sandra Milena Vera Bustos, a guerrilla fighter in the Colombian civil war, who eventually left the rebel fighters and now works to help reintegrate people like herself into the larger community. These are just a sampling. There are many others.
High conflict, as Ripley notes, is often rooted in an “us vs. them” mentality, a stance we often see in the current political environment. So, there’s just no way to keep politics out of the conversation. But Ripley’s book does not take a stand in the political divide and the discussion goes well beyond the political; her main objective is to show that the dynamics pushing us into high conflict — as well as the techniques that can help to pull us out again — are present in all kinds of situations (from marital disputes to war) and across countries. And that is what is most useful about this book. Not only does she show that we are all susceptible, she gives us proven tools and techniques for working our way out of high conflict, back into healthy disagreement, back into curiosity, back into listening and acknowledging that we are all humans who must figure out how to live together.
I loved this book and highly recommend it!
mawalker1962's review against another edition
5.0
I needed this book. Thoughtful storytelling and thorough research illuminate how we get stuck in high conflict and how we can get out of it—sometimes. Her prescriptions don’t claim to be one-size-fits-all and they aren’t. But there’s a lot of insight here about how to turn down the temperature in these perilous times.
nutmeg5813's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
5.0
kylemunkittrick's review against another edition
4.0
Powerful, excellent, could have been 2x longer and probably still had more to say on the topic.
caseyulrich555's review against another edition
4.0
Enjoyed the book! Author makes their arguments and points through stories that allow the reader to connect and understand. It helps us feel for the people in the story while also reminding us of how real and easy it is for any of us to get into or struggle getting out of high conflict.
read2fast2furious's review against another edition
3.0
i learned that high conflict is very bad and not productive, however, i will continue to be polarized in my beliefs bc i am correct.
there were interesting anecdotes on the de-escalation of high conflict on local and global scales.
there were interesting anecdotes on the de-escalation of high conflict on local and global scales.
jansyn_liberty's review against another edition
3.0
Some great analysis of conflict! Audiobook was good.
Takeaways—
“Looping”
it's kind of impossible to feel threatened and curious at the same time. You know, if you think about it, It's very rare that you might feel both and there's good evolutionary reasons for that. Right. But what tends to happen in high conflict is that you feel perpetually threatened.
Ways to keep conflict healthy and to keep curiosity alive — practice a form of active listening that is called looping for understanding.
It's a way of listening to the other person and then distilling what they've said into the most elegant language you can. Playing it back to them and then checking to see if you've got it right. So you're actually proving that you're trying to get them even as you disagree. You're not just saying I hear you.
Overcoming High Conflict
5 ways to overcome High Conflict:
Investigate the understory - Find out what has made people so invested in the conflict.
Reduce the binary - Find out what you share in common. Remove us vs them.
Marginalize the fire starters - Stop listening to those who get a thrill out of the fight.
Buy time and make space - Notice your triggers and when you become aware of them, take a break.
Complicate the narrative - Recognize that most stories go deeper than a hero and villain.
Looping
Looping is a form of paraphrasing. You repeat back to the other person what you've heard them say. This can slow the conversation down and calms high emotions in doing so. It also demonstrates your engagement in the conversation.
Looping is useful when there’s a misunderstanding you need to clear up. Looping follows a simple five-stage formula.
When the other person has said something that you’re confused or unsure about, summarize what that person has said, and ask whether you’ve got it right.
The other person will either confirm that you’ve got it right, or will clarify what you’ve got wrong.
You should then summarize what the other person has said including the new information, and ask that person to confirm you understand.
The other person will either confirm that you understand or not.
If you do understand, consider asking for more information. If you don’t understand, go back to stage one.
Here are some tips for looping:
Loop whenever there’s a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.
Interrupt the other person when necessary to explore something that’s causing confusion.
Be alert to body language, as that can play a role in your understanding and be looped back to the other person – “you just clenched your fists, are you feeling mad?”
Remain calm even if the other person is frustrated or mad.
Questions in Conflict Situations
When you find yourself in high conflict situations, ask these three questions:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
It's surprising how often the answer is no.
Takeaways—
“Looping”
it's kind of impossible to feel threatened and curious at the same time. You know, if you think about it, It's very rare that you might feel both and there's good evolutionary reasons for that. Right. But what tends to happen in high conflict is that you feel perpetually threatened.
Ways to keep conflict healthy and to keep curiosity alive — practice a form of active listening that is called looping for understanding.
It's a way of listening to the other person and then distilling what they've said into the most elegant language you can. Playing it back to them and then checking to see if you've got it right. So you're actually proving that you're trying to get them even as you disagree. You're not just saying I hear you.
Overcoming High Conflict
5 ways to overcome High Conflict:
Investigate the understory - Find out what has made people so invested in the conflict.
Reduce the binary - Find out what you share in common. Remove us vs them.
Marginalize the fire starters - Stop listening to those who get a thrill out of the fight.
Buy time and make space - Notice your triggers and when you become aware of them, take a break.
Complicate the narrative - Recognize that most stories go deeper than a hero and villain.
Looping
Looping is a form of paraphrasing. You repeat back to the other person what you've heard them say. This can slow the conversation down and calms high emotions in doing so. It also demonstrates your engagement in the conversation.
Looping is useful when there’s a misunderstanding you need to clear up. Looping follows a simple five-stage formula.
When the other person has said something that you’re confused or unsure about, summarize what that person has said, and ask whether you’ve got it right.
The other person will either confirm that you’ve got it right, or will clarify what you’ve got wrong.
You should then summarize what the other person has said including the new information, and ask that person to confirm you understand.
The other person will either confirm that you understand or not.
If you do understand, consider asking for more information. If you don’t understand, go back to stage one.
Here are some tips for looping:
Loop whenever there’s a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.
Interrupt the other person when necessary to explore something that’s causing confusion.
Be alert to body language, as that can play a role in your understanding and be looped back to the other person – “you just clenched your fists, are you feeling mad?”
Remain calm even if the other person is frustrated or mad.
Questions in Conflict Situations
When you find yourself in high conflict situations, ask these three questions:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
It's surprising how often the answer is no.
chewbeccadolly's review against another edition
challenging
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0