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dakrone's review against another edition
4.0
This was an immensely helpful book for me. It is also very dense and I can see re-reading it again in the future to glean a lot more usefulness from it. 4.5 stars.
mmchampion's review against another edition
4.0
Dang it! If only I could have been a fly on the wall observing how I’ve given and received feedback in the past... What I’ve learned from this book combined with DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS will certainly help me grow in all relationships, because in the end, it all comes down to the relationships you have with others - especially when it comes to giving and receiving feedback. Lots to learn and the opportunities to practice are endless.
davidfranklin88's review against another edition
5.0
An invaluable book which uses examples to great effect to teach us how we can understand feedback better. I really needed this book: I’m bad at receiving feedback, and the authors helped me to figure out why. It will be helpful for everyone, but it's particularly important reading for those who are used to being ‘right’ and find it hard to make concessions.
Self-help books often consist of a couple of good ideas expanded into 300 pages. In this book I never felt like information was superfluous or repeated. The frameworks are concisely stated and then supported with helpful examples. Those examples cover a range of personal and professional scenarios, and this is highly effective in showing us how much our resistance to feedback can stifle us in every aspect of life.
I found the discussion around ‘switch-tracking’ especially helpful. I had been told that I react to feedback by de-authorising the person giving it: “but you do that too!”. This book helped me to understand that even if they are guilty of the same thing, that’s a different conversation. The ability to separate discussions into their components, rather than dealing with all the identity and relationship triggers at once and throwing one’s own observations into the mix, comes as something of a relief and helps discussions to be more productive.
There are plenty of other insights: often we expect to be appreciated or coached, and we get evaluated instead. Sometimes it’s the other way round. The role of those expectations is huge in determining people’s reactions to feedback. And since we have much more access to behaviour than intentions, we often fill the gap with suspect inferences. Breaking these mismatches down is a central part of the book, and the advice the authors give is clear and actionable.
In professional life, most of us learn how to look like we’re being receptive to feedback. This book goes further than that, and teaches us how to have a conversation that will actually make us better.
Self-help books often consist of a couple of good ideas expanded into 300 pages. In this book I never felt like information was superfluous or repeated. The frameworks are concisely stated and then supported with helpful examples. Those examples cover a range of personal and professional scenarios, and this is highly effective in showing us how much our resistance to feedback can stifle us in every aspect of life.
I found the discussion around ‘switch-tracking’ especially helpful. I had been told that I react to feedback by de-authorising the person giving it: “but you do that too!”. This book helped me to understand that even if they are guilty of the same thing, that’s a different conversation. The ability to separate discussions into their components, rather than dealing with all the identity and relationship triggers at once and throwing one’s own observations into the mix, comes as something of a relief and helps discussions to be more productive.
There are plenty of other insights: often we expect to be appreciated or coached, and we get evaluated instead. Sometimes it’s the other way round. The role of those expectations is huge in determining people’s reactions to feedback. And since we have much more access to behaviour than intentions, we often fill the gap with suspect inferences. Breaking these mismatches down is a central part of the book, and the advice the authors give is clear and actionable.
In professional life, most of us learn how to look like we’re being receptive to feedback. This book goes further than that, and teaches us how to have a conversation that will actually make us better.
awenya's review against another edition
challenging
informative
reflective
slow-paced
4.0
This was helpful! Some chapters really dragged, but overall the reading was easy and there were many takeaway points that could immediately be applied. I'm glad I read it.
cecily_plum's review against another edition
challenging
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.75
jandi's review against another edition
5.0
Very focused on improving how one processes feedback from others. Applicable to the workplace and personal relationships (family - the set of people that can really push your buttons).
Main takeaways for me:
* There are three types of feedback
- Appreciation (thank you!)
- Coaching (this is how you can improve...)
- Evaluation (this is where you stand)
* Many disconnects come from a mismatch between the feedback the giver is intending to provide vs the kind of feedback the receiver interprets (typical example is seeking for evaluation and receiving coaching, which is interpreted as a negative evaluation)
* We tend to reject feedback that challenges our identity. The threat is larger if our identity is stationary (we are born with a certain skill set) vs evolutionary (one can learn and develop skills).
* Very useful framework provided to tackle diverging lines of feedback (one person is upset about something, the other person is upset about something completely different, and they are at an impasse until both concerns are adequately recognized and addressed without derailing the original conversation).
* Communication! Don't assume what the other person means - ask for details before disregarding/embracing advise.
Main takeaways for me:
* There are three types of feedback
- Appreciation (thank you!)
- Coaching (this is how you can improve...)
- Evaluation (this is where you stand)
* Many disconnects come from a mismatch between the feedback the giver is intending to provide vs the kind of feedback the receiver interprets (typical example is seeking for evaluation and receiving coaching, which is interpreted as a negative evaluation)
* We tend to reject feedback that challenges our identity. The threat is larger if our identity is stationary (we are born with a certain skill set) vs evolutionary (one can learn and develop skills).
* Very useful framework provided to tackle diverging lines of feedback (one person is upset about something, the other person is upset about something completely different, and they are at an impasse until both concerns are adequately recognized and addressed without derailing the original conversation).
* Communication! Don't assume what the other person means - ask for details before disregarding/embracing advise.