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92 reviews for:
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
Jared Yates Sexton
4.23 AVERAGE
92 reviews for:
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
Jared Yates Sexton
4.23 AVERAGE
[F]or men, it’s the simplest thing in the world to sit back and watch the patriarchy work in your favor. That privilege is strong and to our benefit, but it comes with great cost. It harms ourselves and the people we love, holds society back from its true potential, and, in many cases, destroys us. (185)
Jared Yates Sexton was born and raised in Indiana factory towns, by a line of men (his father and stepfathers) who viewed him as "soft" and "not quite right." Riddled with anxiety and depression from an abusive and traumatic childhood, Sexton succumbed to the consequences of toxic masculinity when he reached young adulthood-- reinventing himself as a "man's man" and shoving his emotions and vulnerability behind a performative wall of toughness and false strength. Suffering from eating disorders and suicidal ideation, he finally sought the help of a therapist and continues to confront and struggle with the effects of patriarchy on his psyche. With this background, he is in the perfect place to understand--but not be taken in by--the rhetoric of Trump's presidential campaign and administration and the rise of the alt-right, both of which are reinforced by misogyny, racism, and homophobia.
The structured and reliable existence men like my father and stepfathers had come to depend on is disappearing by the day and the realization that the world is changing is exerting massive amounts of pressure on these men, all of whom are already fragile in their masculinity and aggrieved in their entitlement. […M]en [are] refusing to come to terms with their situation because to be a white man in America is to expect everything to already be on your terms. (29)
Sexton neatly intersperses his memoir with facts and figures about masculinity and patriarchy, using his personal anecdotes as supporting examples for wider societal trends. While I think he could have integrated more about queer men and men of color, overall I found his analyses to be well-supported and interesting. He broached topics like rape culture and domestic abuse, homophobia as an example of railing against "gender traitors," idolization 0f stoic war heroes and penalization of veterans in need, xenophobia and racism, mental health including the history of our understanding of PTSD, class and labor, and much more. For an academic approach to toxic masculinity that is tempered by a insider's personal narrative that keeps it from being too dry or dense, I highly recommend The Man They Wanted Me to Be.
[I] realized, for the first time, that the masculinity I’d sought, the masculinity I’d been denied, had always been an impossibility. Deep down, I realized that masculinity, as I knew it, as it was presented to me, was a lie. (8)
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
I could have written this book. Aside from some of the biographical details, many of the passages in this book seem to have been taken directly from my brain—from the push and pull of the impossible masculine ideal to the realization that it is the rot at the core of America. There were parts where my breath caught because his words were exactly those I've said and thought. That being said, the analysis found here is devastating, both for its accuracy and brutality. This is required reading.
Great book
Thought provoking read. Very worthwhile. Could have used a bit more editing, particularly in the beginning and in the chapter on generations, but overall engaging and persuasive.
Thought provoking read. Very worthwhile. Could have used a bit more editing, particularly in the beginning and in the chapter on generations, but overall engaging and persuasive.
challenging
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
what an amazing book. thank you to the author for being so open and vulnerable. what a gift to hear the struggles and failings and triumphs from a person who survived a childhood deep in patriarchal society of rural blue-collar society. this clarified so much for me, more than any other book about what is ailing America. read this.
emotional
reflective
sad
fast-paced
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
medium-paced
A great read on the dissection of what it means to be a “man”. The personal aspects of this book are by far my favorite, and I hope I enjoy the author’s other books as well!
Content Warnings
Moderate: Alcoholism, Emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide attempt
emotional
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
I read a lot of feminist lit and I think this was one of the first I’ve ever read by a man. It was interesting to read about toxic masculinity from a male perspective. Highly recommend.
A brilliantly written story about the damage that comes from performative masculinity in white middle class men. I’m absolutely unable to encapsulate the magnitude here.
I’m blown away by Jared Yates Sexton’s eloquence, vulnerability, and research on the topic. He shares how his and his father’s toxic masculinity harmed them and essentially everyone they’ve been in contact with. He goes into the nuance of psychological dynamics, mental health, and the systemic support that keeps traditional masculinity going strong. The incorrect sex biases from birth. Trump being elected into office. How toxic masculinity emotionally stunts men and causes them to abuse themselves. Why performative masculinity contributes to misogyny, racism, xenophobia, and ableism.
It was heart wrenching to read, as someone who has a few family members who buy into this ludicrousness. It’s tragic. A toxicity that destroys from the inside out. Designed in a way to isolate and trap the masculine person in their own web, and dare them to lash outwards in order to hide their fragility. A toxicity that’s contagious and builds momentum out of insecurity.
Highly recommend to anyone masculine, socialized into masculinity, raising kids assigned male at birth, anyone who grew up in a world that gave high respect to this type of “manly man,” anyone confused about family members who buy into all this, and essentially everyone.
I’m blown away by Jared Yates Sexton’s eloquence, vulnerability, and research on the topic. He shares how his and his father’s toxic masculinity harmed them and essentially everyone they’ve been in contact with. He goes into the nuance of psychological dynamics, mental health, and the systemic support that keeps traditional masculinity going strong. The incorrect sex biases from birth. Trump being elected into office. How toxic masculinity emotionally stunts men and causes them to abuse themselves. Why performative masculinity contributes to misogyny, racism, xenophobia, and ableism.
It was heart wrenching to read, as someone who has a few family members who buy into this ludicrousness. It’s tragic. A toxicity that destroys from the inside out. Designed in a way to isolate and trap the masculine person in their own web, and dare them to lash outwards in order to hide their fragility. A toxicity that’s contagious and builds momentum out of insecurity.
Highly recommend to anyone masculine, socialized into masculinity, raising kids assigned male at birth, anyone who grew up in a world that gave high respect to this type of “manly man,” anyone confused about family members who buy into all this, and essentially everyone.