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92 reviews for:
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
Jared Yates Sexton
4.23 AVERAGE
92 reviews for:
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
Jared Yates Sexton
4.23 AVERAGE
An interesting, thought-out perspective on toxic masculinity and white supremacy in America and a call for change. Part memoir and part essay, I liked the variety and authority this gave Sexton to talk on this subject. I was left wondering why exactly he was able to change and be different from those he grew up with. But I appreciate the addition to the conversation and hope it allows men to flesh out how to become more vulnerable and accept change.
I picked this book up because I’m interested in our country and the current political climate of division and distrust. I read “Hillbilly Elegy” but I was disappointed in the writing and the balance of personal narrative with a critical look at rural American life. “The Man They Wanted Me to Be” is a memoir first, but it also puts the examples and characters in context. The author does a fair amount of research to compare his own experience with toxic masculinity and the history of gender, the role of gender in our lives, and the sociology of toxic masculinity. Though not what I was expecting, this book was really well written and compelling.
The author, a writer and professor at a Southern university, is clearly critical of the racism, sexism, misogyny, and abuse caused by toxic masculinity. He explains how this type of masculine behavior is exhibited by Trump. In order not to appear weak and feminine, men suppress their own feelings of inadequacy and weakness and perpetrate abuse on each other and themselves to keep the fragic, yet damaging, social construct of masculinity to continue. The author does a great job discussing what masculinity is, the dangers of its toxicity, and the effects of it on men. Sexton contrasts the lives and emotional intelligence of his grandfather’s generation, the “Greatest Generation” of World War 2 and describes how in a post-war world, opportunity and marketing have created a masculine ideal to which no man can achieve. The author goes into detail about his relationship with his own father, and the effects of toxic masculinity on both of them. Even as his father got older, he realized how damaging these attitudes and behaviors are. Continuing with this toxic masculinity, more and more men have eating disorders, substance abuse problems, depression, anxiety.
I don’t know if this book will change the minds of anyone deep in the clutches of these societal constructs, and it certainly doesn’t seem likely to change the attitude towards gender any time soon. But this book was really well done with a compelling narrative, good flow, and interesting information. I recommend the audio version read by the author. ★★★★★ • Audiobook • Nonfiction - Memoir, Gender Studies • Purchased from Apple Books. ◾︎
The author, a writer and professor at a Southern university, is clearly critical of the racism, sexism, misogyny, and abuse caused by toxic masculinity. He explains how this type of masculine behavior is exhibited by Trump. In order not to appear weak and feminine, men suppress their own feelings of inadequacy and weakness and perpetrate abuse on each other and themselves to keep the fragic, yet damaging, social construct of masculinity to continue. The author does a great job discussing what masculinity is, the dangers of its toxicity, and the effects of it on men. Sexton contrasts the lives and emotional intelligence of his grandfather’s generation, the “Greatest Generation” of World War 2 and describes how in a post-war world, opportunity and marketing have created a masculine ideal to which no man can achieve. The author goes into detail about his relationship with his own father, and the effects of toxic masculinity on both of them. Even as his father got older, he realized how damaging these attitudes and behaviors are. Continuing with this toxic masculinity, more and more men have eating disorders, substance abuse problems, depression, anxiety.
I don’t know if this book will change the minds of anyone deep in the clutches of these societal constructs, and it certainly doesn’t seem likely to change the attitude towards gender any time soon. But this book was really well done with a compelling narrative, good flow, and interesting information. I recommend the audio version read by the author. ★★★★★ • Audiobook • Nonfiction - Memoir, Gender Studies • Purchased from Apple Books. ◾︎
Sexton doesn't offer answers to the problem of toxic masculinity. Instead, he delves into the personal and the worldly causes and effects. The book is, at times, heart wrenching, especially when Sexton shares about his complicated relationship with his father. It's also well researched and deeply thoughtful as he makes sense of the role of toxic masculinity in his life and society. It certainly gave me a better understanding and empathy for how this plays out for men, and it is a stark reminder that this is something we need to address as a society.
One of the best books I've read in the last few years. Against the backdrop of his lived experience, Yates-Sexton lays out an argument that isn't new but has never been put forth in quite such a thorough fashion. He dissects every possible aspect of masculinity and tracks it through not only the years of American history, but through the many possible ways it might inform a man's life.
Yates-Sexton's remarkable vulnerability is at the heart of this book. His generosity in letting us in has us cheering for the men who would be called "pussies," the men who are deemed "too soft"--and we are so thankful that this writer listened to the drive within to commit his impressions to paper regardless of the pressures he was under to do anything but.
Yates-Sexton's remarkable vulnerability is at the heart of this book. His generosity in letting us in has us cheering for the men who would be called "pussies," the men who are deemed "too soft"--and we are so thankful that this writer listened to the drive within to commit his impressions to paper regardless of the pressures he was under to do anything but.
This is the version of "men explain things to me" that you actually are interested in. I gave this 5 stars because it kept me hooked from beginning to end. The author is honest about his own shortcomings but also woke enough to make me smdh at nearly every other man I meet here in Midwest America. I see it playing out everyday. What can I even do?
My rating system
1 - Did not enjoy
2 - Not irredeemable but has too many flaws to say I enjoyed
3 - Enjoyed it
4 - Great book but didn't love it
5 - Amazing book
1 - Did not enjoy
2 - Not irredeemable but has too many flaws to say I enjoyed
3 - Enjoyed it
4 - Great book but didn't love it
5 - Amazing book
emotional
reflective
medium-paced
A great read. Heartfelt and heart wrenching. Loved the exploration of personal identity in relationship to interpersonal relationships. I also like how Sexton explored American masculine culture in relationship to the political and cultural landscape of the 2016 election.
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
informative
reflective
slow-paced
This is an essential book for the current times. Jared Yates Sexton addresses the issue of toxic masculinity with an insider's perspective. This is a memoir of growing up poor in the midwest, struggling with depression and alcohol abuse, a history of his parents and grandparents choices and their influence on his life and overall an intelligent analysis of the roots and reach of toxic masculinity on people's lives. The author considers this to be his answer to 'Hillbilly Elegy'.
I personally couldn't finish 'Elegy', but I'll acknowledge there is more of an academic tone to Sexton's writing that may put readers of Vance off. However, that tone is coupled with an unflinching look at his own childhood and the traditions of manhood that forced himself, the other men in his life - and the women around them - into falling in line with dangerous patterns of abuse, hostility, and disregard for the emotions of others. Sexton makes a point to say he does not want to remove the blame for domestic violence, and other crimes, from their perpetrators, but he does want the reader to see the link between behaviors encouraged by traditional "manhood" and violent acts.
Sexton shares details of his childhood and later personal experience to underline his thorough examination of the problem. Boys are conditioned from an early age to "be a real man". This book is essential to any one who wants to understand what is meant by toxic masculinity. Sexton covers the roots of "alpha" behavior from when it was perhaps necessary to survive, and takes it into the modern era when these behaviors can be problematic in personal and professional lives, face to face and online. The data he collects is compelling.
My experiences were very different than Sexton's, but I saw myself, and my father, in these pages and its frightening. The problem is vast, but Sexton points out what some others are doing to solve the problem and how he began to heal and move forward. Those of us who were conditioned to be a certain way, who fell in line for however long, it is never too late to let go and live the lives we should.
I personally couldn't finish 'Elegy', but I'll acknowledge there is more of an academic tone to Sexton's writing that may put readers of Vance off. However, that tone is coupled with an unflinching look at his own childhood and the traditions of manhood that forced himself, the other men in his life - and the women around them - into falling in line with dangerous patterns of abuse, hostility, and disregard for the emotions of others. Sexton makes a point to say he does not want to remove the blame for domestic violence, and other crimes, from their perpetrators, but he does want the reader to see the link between behaviors encouraged by traditional "manhood" and violent acts.
Sexton shares details of his childhood and later personal experience to underline his thorough examination of the problem. Boys are conditioned from an early age to "be a real man". This book is essential to any one who wants to understand what is meant by toxic masculinity. Sexton covers the roots of "alpha" behavior from when it was perhaps necessary to survive, and takes it into the modern era when these behaviors can be problematic in personal and professional lives, face to face and online. The data he collects is compelling.
My experiences were very different than Sexton's, but I saw myself, and my father, in these pages and its frightening. The problem is vast, but Sexton points out what some others are doing to solve the problem and how he began to heal and move forward. Those of us who were conditioned to be a certain way, who fell in line for however long, it is never too late to let go and live the lives we should.
This would be powerful as a personal story, of a story fighting personal demons and feeling out of place in a world that seems to reward the extremes of the male stereotype. Left to the readers discretion as to what to draw out of this book, it might leave a mark for many men who don’t feel comfortable with a macho, testosterone heavy image of what they would like to be.
But when he takes those anecdotes and applies them to the world at large, to politics and social issues is where the fact that he is an academic truly is astonishing. Clearly and almost stereotypically biased, unrigorous and fairly poorly written, when you only have the hammer of toxic masculinity to work with, everything looks like a nail.
But when he takes those anecdotes and applies them to the world at large, to politics and social issues is where the fact that he is an academic truly is astonishing. Clearly and almost stereotypically biased, unrigorous and fairly poorly written, when you only have the hammer of toxic masculinity to work with, everything looks like a nail.