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3.54 AVERAGE
3.54 AVERAGE
Honest. Not to be used as a parenting manual :)
Very interesting insight into a different culture.
Very interesting insight into a different culture.
informative
medium-paced
Do I agree with Amy Chau? Yes & no. She's correct in saying we "western" parents are failing our children with our selfishness, trying to be their friends, & not expecting the most from them. I do not agree with verbally abusing or teaching my kids happiness only comes from being the best & obsessing about how to make them the best. The other major mistake Mrs. Chau made was trying to raise both her daughters in the exact same "Chinese" way. I was surprised it took so long for such an educated woman but still happy to see by part 3 of the book she realized this mistake.
Another book made it into the 24 Hour Club. I blasted through this. It was SO interesting. This memoir helped me understand the inner mental logic of tiger mothers and the cultural differences between Western and Asian parenting. It made me check myself from simplified judgments of other cultures' methods of childrearing. I'm really curious now about how her daughters' personalities ended up so different and to what extent growing up in the United States influenced Lulu but not Sophia. Are siblings' personalities always subject to a degree of randomization? I also think it is worth exploring the huge impact that Mrs. Chua's family's wealth has on this story. The fact that she and her husband were able to drop thousands of dollars on every opportunity for their daughters is worth examining. I'm interested in researching tiger moms in less affluent backgrounds too and seeing the differences. I still disagree with the author's method of parenting profoundly and wish she weren't so simplistic and dismissive of Western parenting, but I think this memoir is a fascinating, revelatory conversation starter and it is important that her story is read.
emotional
funny
reflective
medium-paced
While I think this type of parenting, and this book especially, is wildly misunderstood, I thought it wasn't that great. I felt that the author hadn't actually had a proper plan in place before she started writing the book and it was just all over the place. There was no order to the stories at all, and some of the stories she told were just tedious and had no point to the story as a whole. I guess it's hard to critique a memoir but this book really could have done with some more work instead of releasing it with the hope that it would be popular because of its shock factor.
*Audio version* read by the author
This is a tough book but worth the effort. I'm still chewing on it. What more can you ask for in a memoir? I'm also glad I listened to Chua read it. I think her voice clarifies her meaning in parts.
I appreciated her unflinching honesty. It gives the reader a real opportunity for self-examination. I also appreciated the idea that we should set high goals for children and help them achieve those goals. I didn't always agree with her methods, however. My personal feelings about her parenting style aside, I think this book was an emotional growth experience for the author and provides the reader a chance to have the same.
I think this book is such a lightning rod not only due to Chua's generalizations but because we recognize ourselves in some awful moments (be it as a "Chinese" or "Western" parents). While she grapples with cultural differences she stubbornly refuses to acknowledge any validity in other people's points of view, which makes it next to impossible not to judge her and her choices, even as she does the same to everyone and everything else around her. She's unapologetic even when she admits a lack of self control and expresses inner doubts. She recognizes her incapacity to hold the best interests of people above her inflexibility. It's hard to "watch" someone else do that and even harder to recognize those moments in ourselves. But maybe that's what makes this book so compelling.
This is a tough book but worth the effort. I'm still chewing on it. What more can you ask for in a memoir? I'm also glad I listened to Chua read it. I think her voice clarifies her meaning in parts.
I appreciated her unflinching honesty. It gives the reader a real opportunity for self-examination. I also appreciated the idea that we should set high goals for children and help them achieve those goals. I didn't always agree with her methods, however. My personal feelings about her parenting style aside, I think this book was an emotional growth experience for the author and provides the reader a chance to have the same.
I think this book is such a lightning rod not only due to Chua's generalizations but because we recognize ourselves in some awful moments (be it as a "Chinese" or "Western" parents). While she grapples with cultural differences she stubbornly refuses to acknowledge any validity in other people's points of view, which makes it next to impossible not to judge her and her choices, even as she does the same to everyone and everything else around her. She's unapologetic even when she admits a lack of self control and expresses inner doubts. She recognizes her incapacity to hold the best interests of people above her inflexibility. It's hard to "watch" someone else do that and even harder to recognize those moments in ourselves. But maybe that's what makes this book so compelling.
I wanted to dnf a third of the way in, but decided to give Chua the benefit of the doubt and push through till the end, waiting for some self realisation or character growth. Well, I definitely got some character growth from her daughter and some minor realisations from Chua, but even then she doesn't internalise them and really learn from them.
Chua pushes her daughters to extreme extents, constantly cites 'chinese parenting' is the best because it will result in a successful child, but never questions what the parameters for success are. She doesn't even realise that those parameters can differ from person to person. Chua herself is a person who blindly follows without questioning, and this is an example of that. To blindly follow 'Chinese tradition' without really questioning why things are done a certain way is insane and incredibly short sighted considering she is a highly driven law professor herself.
Chua does not seem to realise that children learn not just from the things they do, but the things they see. Her children are highly skilled, it's true, but she has also taught them, through method of demonstrating, how to lie, degrade and emotionally manipulate others.
Whilst we're on this topic - she has also demonstrated some terrible traits to her daughters, which hopefully they have not picked up too. For example, not being able to accept or apologise when wrong; lack of flexibility; hypocrisy; excessive control over others; the ends always justifies the means (may I remind you this is also Hitler's train of thought) amongst many, many others.
I do agree that teaching children grit and perseverance is very important, but by pushing them with negative reinforcement is terrible parenting. Calling her children 'garbage', 'disgusting' and a 'disgrace' - does she realise her children may genuinely see themselves this way? She mocks ‘Western parents’ for saying children will end up with low self-esteem afterwards, and that she, herself never ended up with low self-esteem despite her parents raising her in this way. However, everyone is different (and by her own admission, she refuses to accept, let alone, believe this. Once again mocking her husband and fellow ‘western parents’ for bringing this up) and that is one outcome for children put under such extreme degradation.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, when children are only praised when they can achieve something, they start to equate their self worth with their achievements and accomplishments, and don't see themselves worthy just by being who they are. According to Chua, Chinese parenting is a virtuous circle following the following steps:
1. Push the child extremely hard to achieve (via whatever means necessary)
2. The child achieves and garners praise for their achievements
3. The child is motivated to practice harder so they can achieve more and get more achievements.
This is literally the point I made above. The child only practices because they want to garner praise. Why do they crave praise? Because they do not feel they’re worthy of it without having achieved something. Their self worth is now attached to the things they can do, and not who they are as a person. I sincerely hope Chua's husband has equalised this because if not, her daughters would have ended up really messed up.
Another thing that was extremely worrying for me throughout the entire book was Chua did not have a back up for if the Chinese parenting approach fails. When it actually does, I wanted to throw my hands up and shout to the stars, “I TOLD YOU.” What an extremely high risk situation you’ve put yourself in, Chua. I don’t think you’ve leveraged your risk properly.
Even until the very end, when her daughter, Lulu, ‘breaks free’ and decides to pursue tennis because it’s something her mother doesn’t have any control over, Chua cannot accept that it’s something Lulu wants to do for fun, and not for the sake of achievement. Chua still tries to sneak in ways to give ‘constructive criticism’ to Lulu, that even though may be accurate and helpful, is completely unwanted. If this is something Lulu wants to do by herself, what is the harm in letting her try and fail herself? Chua admits herself that she does not know how to have fun, but that does not make it acceptable to rob it from someone else.
This book was so infuriating, I could go on for another thousand words and still not be done.
Chua pushes her daughters to extreme extents, constantly cites 'chinese parenting' is the best because it will result in a successful child, but never questions what the parameters for success are. She doesn't even realise that those parameters can differ from person to person. Chua herself is a person who blindly follows without questioning, and this is an example of that. To blindly follow 'Chinese tradition' without really questioning why things are done a certain way is insane and incredibly short sighted considering she is a highly driven law professor herself.
Chua does not seem to realise that children learn not just from the things they do, but the things they see. Her children are highly skilled, it's true, but she has also taught them, through method of demonstrating, how to lie, degrade and emotionally manipulate others.
Whilst we're on this topic - she has also demonstrated some terrible traits to her daughters, which hopefully they have not picked up too. For example, not being able to accept or apologise when wrong; lack of flexibility; hypocrisy; excessive control over others; the ends always justifies the means (may I remind you this is also Hitler's train of thought) amongst many, many others.
I do agree that teaching children grit and perseverance is very important, but by pushing them with negative reinforcement is terrible parenting. Calling her children 'garbage', 'disgusting' and a 'disgrace' - does she realise her children may genuinely see themselves this way? She mocks ‘Western parents’ for saying children will end up with low self-esteem afterwards, and that she, herself never ended up with low self-esteem despite her parents raising her in this way. However, everyone is different (and by her own admission, she refuses to accept, let alone, believe this. Once again mocking her husband and fellow ‘western parents’ for bringing this up) and that is one outcome for children put under such extreme degradation.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, when children are only praised when they can achieve something, they start to equate their self worth with their achievements and accomplishments, and don't see themselves worthy just by being who they are. According to Chua, Chinese parenting is a virtuous circle following the following steps:
1. Push the child extremely hard to achieve (via whatever means necessary)
2. The child achieves and garners praise for their achievements
3. The child is motivated to practice harder so they can achieve more and get more achievements.
This is literally the point I made above. The child only practices because they want to garner praise. Why do they crave praise? Because they do not feel they’re worthy of it without having achieved something. Their self worth is now attached to the things they can do, and not who they are as a person. I sincerely hope Chua's husband has equalised this because if not, her daughters would have ended up really messed up.
Another thing that was extremely worrying for me throughout the entire book was Chua did not have a back up for if the Chinese parenting approach fails. When it actually does, I wanted to throw my hands up and shout to the stars, “I TOLD YOU.” What an extremely high risk situation you’ve put yourself in, Chua. I don’t think you’ve leveraged your risk properly.
Even until the very end, when her daughter, Lulu, ‘breaks free’ and decides to pursue tennis because it’s something her mother doesn’t have any control over, Chua cannot accept that it’s something Lulu wants to do for fun, and not for the sake of achievement. Chua still tries to sneak in ways to give ‘constructive criticism’ to Lulu, that even though may be accurate and helpful, is completely unwanted. If this is something Lulu wants to do by herself, what is the harm in letting her try and fail herself? Chua admits herself that she does not know how to have fun, but that does not make it acceptable to rob it from someone else.
This book was so infuriating, I could go on for another thousand words and still not be done.
I read this book because a friend and coworker is a "surrogate grandparent" for two Chinese immigrant children in their neighborhood. She is always telling me stories about the "Chinese Mother" and we are struggling together to understand her logic and rationale behind how she is raising her children, especially her daughter. This book was amazing. It really gave me a look inside Chau's head and helped me to better understand my friend's situation with the "Chinese Mother" in her life. While I don't necessarily agree with Chau's parenting methods, her logic is sound and I respect a woman trying to better the future prospects of her children and doing it with love.
for RS book club, March 2012
The end was kind of choppy. And she introduced information important to the narrative at the end instead of adding it throughout. It was like the book completely changed course in the last few chapters.
And I don't think she was as harsh as the reviews made it out to be. I was expecting more abuse. There was that, of course (mental, emotional blackmail, manipulation etc), but not as much as I expected. At the beginning she insisted that the "Chinese parenting" was about results/accomplishments, but what breaks her down at the end is that she really did favor the relationship over the achievements, it just took her a while to recognize that. Knowing too many people who have cut off relationships with their parents, I'm a relationship person. The only thing you have any control over (and even then it's not a lot) is giving relationships do-overs and being true with your children. You can't guarantee they'll like X or achieve Y or even be happy.
The end was kind of choppy. And she introduced information important to the narrative at the end instead of adding it throughout. It was like the book completely changed course in the last few chapters.
And I don't think she was as harsh as the reviews made it out to be. I was expecting more abuse. There was that, of course (mental, emotional blackmail, manipulation etc), but not as much as I expected. At the beginning she insisted that the "Chinese parenting" was about results/accomplishments, but what breaks her down at the end is that she really did favor the relationship over the achievements, it just took her a while to recognize that. Knowing too many people who have cut off relationships with their parents, I'm a relationship person. The only thing you have any control over (and even then it's not a lot) is giving relationships do-overs and being true with your children. You can't guarantee they'll like X or achieve Y or even be happy.