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3.36 AVERAGE
3.36 AVERAGE
I made it about halfway through. I like her, but this book is problematic, beginning with its heterosexist assumption that the relationship escalator is everyone’s goal. It may be a product of its time, but it’s problematic in this day and age.
informative
reflective
fast-paced
DNF at chapter 3.
This book was so disappointingly bad especially since I loved loved loved her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.
This was… not that.
First of all, the book starts off with the unnamed assumption that to be happy you need to have a husband and if you don’t have one you’ve failed life. This seems a bit like a projection of the author’s own life circumstances more than anything else.
Second, I think a book about why women should “settle” for men should talk about the sexist reasons that make it harder for women to find partners later in life. Off the top of my head I can think of research on:
- how older men prefer younger partners to ones their age
- how men are less likely to date a woman more successful than them
- how women are expected to do it all and that can be draining so why would they want to?
This book posits a bunch of anecdotal complaining about men versus women as insight when it really could have benefited from viewing relationships in the context of historical relationship dynamics as well as just people being people not ALL WOMEN or ALL MEN.
This book was so disappointingly bad especially since I loved loved loved her book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.
This was… not that.
First of all, the book starts off with the unnamed assumption that to be happy you need to have a husband and if you don’t have one you’ve failed life. This seems a bit like a projection of the author’s own life circumstances more than anything else.
Second, I think a book about why women should “settle” for men should talk about the sexist reasons that make it harder for women to find partners later in life. Off the top of my head I can think of research on:
- how older men prefer younger partners to ones their age
- how men are less likely to date a woman more successful than them
- how women are expected to do it all and that can be draining so why would they want to?
This book posits a bunch of anecdotal complaining about men versus women as insight when it really could have benefited from viewing relationships in the context of historical relationship dynamics as well as just people being people not ALL WOMEN or ALL MEN.
Good read. I was able to reflect a lot on my past relationships and feel better prepared for being realistic in finding my partner.
would give it 5 stars for advice, 2 stars for how intolerable of a narrator lori is. i really wish the conclusions of "focus on finding a stable, compatible partner rather than chasing some nebulous spark" were much more commonplace than they are.
The worst book about dating I’ve read. It’s true, dating prospects for a single woman in her late 30’s are tough, but a lot of the evidence the author gives for this are anecdotal or hypothetical or misremembers of tv/movies (she does not remember what actually happened in the Sex and the City movie, and it made me frustrated). While some of the nuances of her predicament are interesting, I don’t think we needed so many chapters essentially shaming women for not “settling”. I also think the book feels anti-women because she advocates for “settling”. This argument is better framed as “reprioritizing long term needs from a partner”. Of course, this book is a little older. But I’d invest in a different book about dating, if given the option. It started as “women gabbing around the brunch table” and ends as a cautionary tale.
I did not think that as a married woman I’d benefit from the book. It just caught my eye and I guess came at a right time when I was pondering over similar questions. But I am glad I read it. Definitely opened my eyes to my own prejudices, showed me I’m not alone in wanting everything, and helped me appreciate what I have.
The book does get pretty repetitive. Some chapters could’ve been easily condensed without losing any information- maybe even more so, the good, important points would not drown in the sea of endless examples. I had difficulties following the thought process sometimes. Easy to read overall though- and I would definitely recommend it to a few non-married AND married friends of mine.
The book does get pretty repetitive. Some chapters could’ve been easily condensed without losing any information- maybe even more so, the good, important points would not drown in the sea of endless examples. I had difficulties following the thought process sometimes. Easy to read overall though- and I would definitely recommend it to a few non-married AND married friends of mine.
So, despite the fact that the feminists hated this book, I gave it four stars. And here comes my justification.
Like most of those who criticize the book, I was less than thrilled with Gottlieb's depiction of remaining single as the worst-possible-outcome. To be really fair and well-rounded, the book should have given at least a passing acknowledgment that a miserable marriage is an equally appalling, and in many cases, worse, outcome. Still, this book does NOT advocate coupling up at all costs, which is why I let it off the hook. Instead, it serves as a wakeup call to women to start looking for more realistic relationships and to focus on qualities that REALLY matter -- such as generosity, kindness, and honesty -- over superficial qualities such as height, favorite types of music, etc. It's other bit of "wake-up call" mentality reminds women that they aren't perfect, either, so it's not fair to expect their partner to be (I know, shocker, right?).
The "want-to-have-it-all" women depicted in this book, women who dumped men for not having seen their favorite movies (um, why not suggest watching it together) or for having nose hairs that were too long, did feel a little extreme to me. Gottlieb herself is incredibly bold in what she's willing to reveal about her own ridiculous hang-ups (she doesn't want to date someone who's short or into sci-fi -- fine by me, all the more sci-fi dudes for me!). And although she does come across as demanding, unrealistic, and whiny at times, I also admire her willingness to put all those faults out on display.
So while I didn't wholly relate to her -- I never have been in search of perfection -- I still couldn't put this book down. The examination of what mattered in long-term happy relationships vs. what didn't was fascinating and drew upon psychology, spirituality, and other relationship "experts" (maybe a few too many "matchmakers.") There's also a healthy dose of reality vs. the "longer you wait, the better the spouse you'll end up with" mentality. In actuality, the most desirable spouses will often be the "first to go," and the pool of possibility will continue to get smaller over time. This isn't to say that you should settle, of course, but only that you need to be aware of this reality's potential to affect you.
It's also important to note that, despite the title, this book does not advocate "settling", or staying in a relationship that is unhealthy or makes you unhappy. And comparisons to previous anti-feminist dating books like "The Rules" are really unfair, as the book doesn't encourage changing who you are or how you act to be in a relationship, either. Instead, it drives home the idea that, if you've found a guy that has 80% of what you want, that's a catch--not someone worth throwing back for that perfect 100%. Because in actuality, perfect people don't exist. Well, duh. But sometimes it takes a whole book to get that into some people's heads.
Like most of those who criticize the book, I was less than thrilled with Gottlieb's depiction of remaining single as the worst-possible-outcome. To be really fair and well-rounded, the book should have given at least a passing acknowledgment that a miserable marriage is an equally appalling, and in many cases, worse, outcome. Still, this book does NOT advocate coupling up at all costs, which is why I let it off the hook. Instead, it serves as a wakeup call to women to start looking for more realistic relationships and to focus on qualities that REALLY matter -- such as generosity, kindness, and honesty -- over superficial qualities such as height, favorite types of music, etc. It's other bit of "wake-up call" mentality reminds women that they aren't perfect, either, so it's not fair to expect their partner to be (I know, shocker, right?).
The "want-to-have-it-all" women depicted in this book, women who dumped men for not having seen their favorite movies (um, why not suggest watching it together) or for having nose hairs that were too long, did feel a little extreme to me. Gottlieb herself is incredibly bold in what she's willing to reveal about her own ridiculous hang-ups (she doesn't want to date someone who's short or into sci-fi -- fine by me, all the more sci-fi dudes for me!). And although she does come across as demanding, unrealistic, and whiny at times, I also admire her willingness to put all those faults out on display.
So while I didn't wholly relate to her -- I never have been in search of perfection -- I still couldn't put this book down. The examination of what mattered in long-term happy relationships vs. what didn't was fascinating and drew upon psychology, spirituality, and other relationship "experts" (maybe a few too many "matchmakers.") There's also a healthy dose of reality vs. the "longer you wait, the better the spouse you'll end up with" mentality. In actuality, the most desirable spouses will often be the "first to go," and the pool of possibility will continue to get smaller over time. This isn't to say that you should settle, of course, but only that you need to be aware of this reality's potential to affect you.
It's also important to note that, despite the title, this book does not advocate "settling", or staying in a relationship that is unhealthy or makes you unhappy. And comparisons to previous anti-feminist dating books like "The Rules" are really unfair, as the book doesn't encourage changing who you are or how you act to be in a relationship, either. Instead, it drives home the idea that, if you've found a guy that has 80% of what you want, that's a catch--not someone worth throwing back for that perfect 100%. Because in actuality, perfect people don't exist. Well, duh. But sometimes it takes a whole book to get that into some people's heads.
This book was recommended to me. While I appreciated the good-sense reinforcement of my own logic (which sometimes feels like a bummer), this book on the whole felt a bit condescending at times. Lots of information, though I really appreciate the depth and delivery of relationship expert Esther Perel instead. Lots of the same advice with a more in-depth exploration of why women can be so picky, and how we all need to look to a full network for support rather than just expecting the full gamut from any one person in our lives.
I liked an article I read from the author, and thought this might be a great book to chat about with my friends who are single for some talking points about what to look for as they get older.
No way! This was such a depressing take. Will not be recommending to a single single friend!
No way! This was such a depressing take. Will not be recommending to a single single friend!