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Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids by Meghan Daum
slpugs's review against another edition
3.0
As with most essay type books, some of them were stronger than others.
The main reason I'm rating 3 stars is because of the troublesome trend with the female authored essays. I'd say about 95% of them take a page or a page to "save face" by talking about how much they absolutely love kids, being an aunt, working with children, etc etc etc. It came across as though their decision to be childless was only valid if they could prove to the reader that they aren't a complete societal pariah by still liking children.
As a woman who is childless by choice, let me just go ahead and say on behalf of all the women who don't actually like kids but feel they have to say they do for fear of being further chastised by society - I really don't like children. I didn't like children when I was a child and I like them even less at 30 years old. I have no patience for them. I don't want to work with them, hold new babies when asked, be the "super cool aunt who doesn't have any of her own kids but loves everyone else's", or spend any meaningful amount of time with any child. At all.
So yeah, I would have loved to see even one essay included from a woman who doesn't have kids and doesn't like them either. I'd like to see more visibility from this particular female experience but it seems most of us are still hiding for fear of being called cold hearted.
The main reason I'm rating 3 stars is because of the troublesome trend with the female authored essays. I'd say about 95% of them take a page or a page to "save face" by talking about how much they absolutely love kids, being an aunt, working with children, etc etc etc. It came across as though their decision to be childless was only valid if they could prove to the reader that they aren't a complete societal pariah by still liking children.
As a woman who is childless by choice, let me just go ahead and say on behalf of all the women who don't actually like kids but feel they have to say they do for fear of being further chastised by society - I really don't like children. I didn't like children when I was a child and I like them even less at 30 years old. I have no patience for them. I don't want to work with them, hold new babies when asked, be the "super cool aunt who doesn't have any of her own kids but loves everyone else's", or spend any meaningful amount of time with any child. At all.
So yeah, I would have loved to see even one essay included from a woman who doesn't have kids and doesn't like them either. I'd like to see more visibility from this particular female experience but it seems most of us are still hiding for fear of being called cold hearted.
littletaiko's review against another edition
4.0
This collection of essays by sixteen different writers about their decision to not have children was quite eye-opening. I'm not a writer but have chosen to not have children as having them was never something I felt a strong desire to do. What surprised me the most in reading the collection was how many of them felt societal pressure to have children and they were being judged as lesser than for not having them. I guess I've been quite fortunate to have somehow escaped all that. I have friends who have children and lots of them who have chosen not too. Nobody has indicated one way or the other that they have any feelings whatsoever about my choices. Even my family has been rather low-key and have never really tried to get me to change my mind.
The essays really show a variety of reasons as to why people make the choices they do. While some of them rubbed me the wrong way, every single one gave me something to think about.
The essays really show a variety of reasons as to why people make the choices they do. While some of them rubbed me the wrong way, every single one gave me something to think about.
keen_tori's review against another edition
5.0
A great take from many writers on the many reasons not to have children, I also found myself identifying with some of them even though I do have children.
If nothing else, this book has taught me to be a little more careful just assuming everyone has children and more sensitive towards those that don't. You don't know what they've been through or what has motivated anyone to have or not have children. Overall a really good read for anyone that has or has not made the decision to procreate.
If nothing else, this book has taught me to be a little more careful just assuming everyone has children and more sensitive towards those that don't. You don't know what they've been through or what has motivated anyone to have or not have children. Overall a really good read for anyone that has or has not made the decision to procreate.
meganbagel's review against another edition
2.5
it was very grim and i wish they had a queer perspective
jennthelibrarian's review against another edition
4.0
it took me a long time to read this book.
this kind of book is either going to appeal to you or not.
i may write an essay on this topic someday and our experiences. lots to say.
this kind of book is either going to appeal to you or not.
i may write an essay on this topic someday and our experiences. lots to say.
chilexi's review against another edition
3.0
Overall interesting to read different takes and reasoning on the choice not to have children. I would recommend this to anyone feeling external pressure to have kids. Or possibly to people with kids that wonder why someone would choose a different life.
A few essays I really liked (looking back at my highlights "Maternal Instincts" by Laura Kipnis, "The Most Important Thing" by Sigrid Nunez, and "Beyond Beyond Motherhood" by Jeanne Safer resonated the most with me), but while parts of "Be Here Now Means Be Gone Later" by Lionel Shriver were interesting there was a weird theme in hers around "depriving" the world of "good genes" that was pretty cringeworthy to me, unless it was intended as sarcasm that landed poorly? Then about half of them were interesting or entertaining to read, but not anything that will stay with me.
A few essays I really liked (looking back at my highlights "Maternal Instincts" by Laura Kipnis, "The Most Important Thing" by Sigrid Nunez, and "Beyond Beyond Motherhood" by Jeanne Safer resonated the most with me), but while parts of "Be Here Now Means Be Gone Later" by Lionel Shriver were interesting there was a weird theme in hers around "depriving" the world of "good genes" that was pretty cringeworthy to me, unless it was intended as sarcasm that landed poorly? Then about half of them were interesting or entertaining to read, but not anything that will stay with me.
stilkraft's review against another edition
medium-paced
2.0
Depressingly less thought-provoking than expected; it's a shame sixteen writers who are much older than myself and are 'intellectually superior' enough to care about their not passing their genes down or the effect of 'inferior' genes wrote nothing beyond (or moreover, less than) what I've been keeping thinking in my 30-something years of asexual life, to justify their urge of showing off (sorry, 'sharing') their 'tragic' upbringings or sarcasm.
Expected to open the book to encounter something that enhance or challenge my view, especially of from philosophical standpoints, but was a sheer disappointment, though their honesty was appreciated.
No doubt they are called 'selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed'.
Expected to open the book to encounter something that enhance or challenge my view, especially of from philosophical standpoints, but was a sheer disappointment, though their honesty was appreciated.
No doubt they are called 'selfish, shallow, and self-absorbed'.
traciotr's review against another edition
5.0
Much has been written about women "having it all," and the difficulties for women with balancing work and child-rearing. Literature also abounds on the topic of infertility, detailing stories of women who long to have children, but are unable for various reasons. However, very little has been written about making a conscious, well-thought out decision NOT to have children, and even less so from a male perspective. Social groups are plentiful for women who are mothers, from informal playgroups to organized activities such as mom & baby yoga. Parents tend to be drawn together through their kids’ sports and other extra-curricular activities. Parents often frequently congregate in yards, enjoying conversation while watching their children play. For individuals without children, it can be difficult to form friendships and join in such social circles due to having little in common. While not necessarily intentional, the topic of conversation practically always revolves around child-related issues.
[b:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562] edited by [a:Meghan Daum|74253|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1293915404p2/74253.jpg], details the decisions of sixteen writers not to have kids. Most (thirteen) of the essays are by women, however, three are by men. All of the essays resonated with me on some level due to the fact that I also made the decision not to have children very early on in my adult life. Even though more and more women seem to be making the decision not to have children, it is still not the choice of the majority. While I'm not overly concerned with validation from society for my choices, it is nice to hear stories of people who have made similar decisions, even if for very different reasons.
While I was initially drawn to reading the essays by authors already known to me, such as [a:Lionel Shriver|45922|Lionel Shriver|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1332800238p2/45922.jpg], some of my favorites turned out to be from authors previously unknown to me. I particularly enjoyed the essays from the three men, as they were refreshingly honest and completely unapologetic regarding the decision not to have kids. Whereas most of the women seemed to feel the need to qualify their decision with statements about liking kids, but determining kids just weren’t for them, or ensuring that people realize that they don’t hate kids, and love their nieces/nephews/friends’ kids, etc., the men did no such thing. [a:Geoff Dyer|2279|Geoff Dyer|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1327272389p2/2279.jpg] even stated that he’s only had two ambitions in life, one of which was “never to have children.” He goes on to say:
Other essays were of a more somber nature, and recounted stories of childhood abuse or neglect which influenced their decisions regarding having (or not having in this case) children. [a:Sigrid Nunez|6633|Sigrid Nunez|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1212887417p2/6633.jpg] began her essay with “There was a time during my childhood when I believed that all children were unwanted.” Along with the stories of abuse and neglect, a few women actually chose to have abortions, rather than bring a child that they weren’t sure they wanted or could adequately care for, into the world. I found [a:Michelle Huneven|91696|Michelle Huneven|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1395262056p2/91696.jpg]'s essay especially moving:
*Note: Thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan-Picador for a complimentary advance reader's copy of [bc:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562].
[b:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562] edited by [a:Meghan Daum|74253|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1293915404p2/74253.jpg], details the decisions of sixteen writers not to have kids. Most (thirteen) of the essays are by women, however, three are by men. All of the essays resonated with me on some level due to the fact that I also made the decision not to have children very early on in my adult life. Even though more and more women seem to be making the decision not to have children, it is still not the choice of the majority. While I'm not overly concerned with validation from society for my choices, it is nice to hear stories of people who have made similar decisions, even if for very different reasons.
While I was initially drawn to reading the essays by authors already known to me, such as [a:Lionel Shriver|45922|Lionel Shriver|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1332800238p2/45922.jpg], some of my favorites turned out to be from authors previously unknown to me. I particularly enjoyed the essays from the three men, as they were refreshingly honest and completely unapologetic regarding the decision not to have kids. Whereas most of the women seemed to feel the need to qualify their decision with statements about liking kids, but determining kids just weren’t for them, or ensuring that people realize that they don’t hate kids, and love their nieces/nephews/friends’ kids, etc., the men did no such thing. [a:Geoff Dyer|2279|Geoff Dyer|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1327272389p2/2279.jpg] even stated that he’s only had two ambitions in life, one of which was “never to have children.” He goes on to say:
In a park, looking at smiling mothers and fathers strolling along with their adorable toddlers, I react like the pope confronted with a couple of gay men walking hand in hand: Where does it come from, this unnatural desire (to have children)? [“Over and Out” by Geoff Dyer]Since one of my favorite novels of all time is [b:We Need to Talk About Kevin|80660|We Need to Talk About Kevin|Lionel Shriver|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1327865017s/80660.jpg|3106720], I was really looking forward to reading Lionel Shriver's essay. Rather than detail her decision not to have kids, she instead wrote more about demographics in general in both America and Europe, as well as declining fertility rates, and a “birth dearth” in Western societies. She then gave examples of three women she knows personally (and considers friends) who are at different stages of life and who do not want children. Finally, she briefly mentions her own situation, but never really delves very far into her thought process. I did admire Shriver’s frank statement of “I could have afforded children, financially. I just didn’t want them.”
Other essays were of a more somber nature, and recounted stories of childhood abuse or neglect which influenced their decisions regarding having (or not having in this case) children. [a:Sigrid Nunez|6633|Sigrid Nunez|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1212887417p2/6633.jpg] began her essay with “There was a time during my childhood when I believed that all children were unwanted.” Along with the stories of abuse and neglect, a few women actually chose to have abortions, rather than bring a child that they weren’t sure they wanted or could adequately care for, into the world. I found [a:Michelle Huneven|91696|Michelle Huneven|https://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1395262056p2/91696.jpg]'s essay especially moving:
My experience of living in my family had deeply instilled a sense that behind the closed doors of a family’s home, all respect disappeared; disapproval, anger, and other emotions ran unchecked, and a domestic form of war prevailed, with war’s oscillations between overt violence and tense calm. Even as I learned that not all families were like this, I didn’t trust myself not to recreate what I had known. [“Amateurs” by Michelle Huneven]I am very glad that Meghan Daum decided to take this subject on, and am thankful to the sixteen writers who agreed to share their stories. I would highly recommend the book not just to people who have decided not to have kids, but even more so to all those who do have kids. I think it’s important for those who are parents to realize that their lifestyle is not the only valid choice, nor are all those who make the choice not to have kids selfish, shallow, or self-absorbed! It is simply one of many life choices, typically involving a large amount of deliberation and self-reflection.
*Note: Thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan-Picador for a complimentary advance reader's copy of [bc:Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|21853680|Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed Sixteen Writers on Their Decision Not To Have Kids|Meghan Daum|https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1422266167s/21853680.jpg|41125562].