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658 reviews for:
The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved
Esther Perel
4.26 AVERAGE
658 reviews for:
The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved
Esther Perel
4.26 AVERAGE
Love these types of relationship books that tap into the more taboo topics.
One of my favourite parts was when she talked about the shift from marriage becoming transactional, to build a family, to a true soulmate match. She says that “We used to divorce because we were unhappy. Now we divorce because we could be happier.” Our new generation wants a relationship to enrich our lives “inspire us, transform us. Their value, and therefore their longevity, is commensurate with how well they continue to satisfy our experiential thirst”. Betrayal stings because it’s a reflection of how lovable we are, how well we can fill our partners cup and keep them happy.
Interesting and lots to learn about keeping the spark alive in longterm marriages and relationships in general from cases of infidelity.
One of my favourite parts was when she talked about the shift from marriage becoming transactional, to build a family, to a true soulmate match. She says that “We used to divorce because we were unhappy. Now we divorce because we could be happier.” Our new generation wants a relationship to enrich our lives “inspire us, transform us. Their value, and therefore their longevity, is commensurate with how well they continue to satisfy our experiential thirst”. Betrayal stings because it’s a reflection of how lovable we are, how well we can fill our partners cup and keep them happy.
Interesting and lots to learn about keeping the spark alive in longterm marriages and relationships in general from cases of infidelity.
emotional
informative
“[An affair] is a radiant parenthesis, a poetic interlude in the prose of life. Hence, forbidden love stories are utopian by nature, especially in contrast with the mundane constraints of marriage and family. A prime characteristic of this liminal universe, and the key to its irresistible power, is that it is unattainable. Affairs are by definition precarious, elusive, and ambiguous. The indeterminacy, the uncertainty, the not knowing when I’ll see you again feelings we would never tolerate in our primary relationship become kindling for anticipation in a hidden romance.”
A part of me was a tad desperate to consume this as quickly as possible to gain steady footing in my work with my clients navigating cheating from all angles. Overall, I found this book well-researched and brilliantly synthesizing. I appreciated how humanizing and de-pathologizing this matter was treated—for all parties involved. And, naturally, Perel’s trademarked lens of conceptualizing infidelity with Eros was very much welcomed. Looking at affairs as transgressive experiences that are both transformative (for individuals and partners) and damaging leaves us with a lot of space to breath. It’s quite a balance: registering the self-discovery with the trauma caused. Insightful, but like how on earth to aim for co-accountability when you’re not Esther herself? lol. I’m glad of her incorporation of queer partnerships and other themes/topics such as polyamory, masculinity, fantasy, and cultural hegemony (re: truth-telling/privacy). She’s truly an expert writer!!!
Questions/frames I liked:
- Affairs = secrecy + sexual alchemy + emotional connection
- Examine meaning/self-discovery & understand/repair the effects
- Phases for healing: 1) crisis; 2) meaning-making; 3) vision
- Re: truth telling: Is it honest? Is it helpful? Is it kind?
- Shifting from detective to investigative questioning
- What is your (tacit/explicit) monogamy agreement?
- Individual journey or relational miss?
- equity as opposed to symmetry
- The affair person is distinct from the experience
- The affair can be distinct from the relationship
- The new stigma is choosing to stay
A part of me was a tad desperate to consume this as quickly as possible to gain steady footing in my work with my clients navigating cheating from all angles. Overall, I found this book well-researched and brilliantly synthesizing. I appreciated how humanizing and de-pathologizing this matter was treated—for all parties involved. And, naturally, Perel’s trademarked lens of conceptualizing infidelity with Eros was very much welcomed. Looking at affairs as transgressive experiences that are both transformative (for individuals and partners) and damaging leaves us with a lot of space to breath. It’s quite a balance: registering the self-discovery with the trauma caused. Insightful, but like how on earth to aim for co-accountability when you’re not Esther herself? lol. I’m glad of her incorporation of queer partnerships and other themes/topics such as polyamory, masculinity, fantasy, and cultural hegemony (re: truth-telling/privacy). She’s truly an expert writer!!!
Questions/frames I liked:
- Affairs = secrecy + sexual alchemy + emotional connection
- Examine meaning/self-discovery & understand/repair the effects
- Phases for healing: 1) crisis; 2) meaning-making; 3) vision
- Re: truth telling: Is it honest? Is it helpful? Is it kind?
- Shifting from detective to investigative questioning
- What is your (tacit/explicit) monogamy agreement?
- Individual journey or relational miss?
- equity as opposed to symmetry
- The affair person is distinct from the experience
- The affair can be distinct from the relationship
- The new stigma is choosing to stay
adventurous
informative
reflective
medium-paced
I found this book when a woman on a blog who had been cheated on recommended it to her readers. I found it an intriguing premise, so I gave it a whirl.
The cover alone is interesting to discuss regarding the topic at hand. The author is a couple's therapist who discusses within several chapters the many reasons for affairs that she has seen during her more than 20 years of practice. Some of the stories were tantalizing: A woman finds out that after 20 years of marriage, her husband has spent the price of a mortgage on escorts!
I feel like this is a book for everyone ultimately: those who have been cheated on, those who have been involved with an affair themselves, or those who have been neither, but who need to understand our friend's, loved one's etc. No one is immuned to an affair, which may be difficult for some to face. I feel for those who judge people who have had affairs, some of the stories described in the book may give some of those who judge more compassion/empathy. A recommended and intriguing book for all.
The cover alone is interesting to discuss regarding the topic at hand. The author is a couple's therapist who discusses within several chapters the many reasons for affairs that she has seen during her more than 20 years of practice. Some of the stories were tantalizing: A woman finds out that after 20 years of marriage, her husband has spent the price of a mortgage on escorts!
I feel like this is a book for everyone ultimately: those who have been cheated on, those who have been involved with an affair themselves, or those who have been neither, but who need to understand our friend's, loved one's etc. No one is immuned to an affair, which may be difficult for some to face. I feel for those who judge people who have had affairs, some of the stories described in the book may give some of those who judge more compassion/empathy. A recommended and intriguing book for all.
The most important part of this book is that it tries to cover not just the partner on the receiving end, but the partner that was the given 'perpetrator'. Instead of adhering to the acceptable norm of 'the cheater is bad', it also looks into how a relationship reaches there, while neither taking the pain of the grieving partner away, nor not saying that the cheating parter is bad, but having a peek into what takes people there. Overall a good book, worth a read.
"An affair is revealed in a relationship, and an affair reveals a lot about a relationship. It sheds a stark light on its constructs..."
"What are the lessons of infidelity, for all of us who love?"
"What [can we] learn from affairs without necessarily having to go through one?"
Don't wait until you experience an affair to read this book. Perel approaches her clients with compassion, genuine curiosity, pragmatism, and an appreciation for what makes us human, and she's learned invaluable things about marriage and love.
"What are the lessons of infidelity, for all of us who love?"
"What [can we] learn from affairs without necessarily having to go through one?"
Don't wait until you experience an affair to read this book. Perel approaches her clients with compassion, genuine curiosity, pragmatism, and an appreciation for what makes us human, and she's learned invaluable things about marriage and love.
Tengo sentimientos encontrados con este libro, en general me parece muy bueno, y algo que valdría mucho la pena leer más allá de la estructura relacional que se tenga. Cuando lo empecé tenía mis reticencias porque ahora práctico el poliamor y se que todavía hay mucho tabú y prejuicio cuando se habla de temas fuera de la monogamia heteronormativa, por lo que no esperaba mucho. Me gusta mucho como aborda el tema de la infidelidad desde una visión empática y analítica de porque sucede. También me encanta que haya hasta cierto punto un análisis desde la perspectiva de género y clase respecto y el peso tan grande que tienen en las dinámicas relacionales. También me gusta mucho que rompe con el tabú de la infidelidad como algo malo y castigable, y que hay mucha complejidad detrás de, solo que me género la sensación de que busca tanto la empatía que llega a sonar como justificación del victimismo. También, y que es entendible por el alcance y quienes fueron la fuente del libro, que todavía hay estereotipos de género y relacionales que siento se exploran de forma un cuán superficial. Ahora bien, se que esto es un juicio sumamente personal desde mi forma de percibir la naturaleza humana y que probablemente no era lo que buscaba la autora. Definitivamente pienso que acierta en ahondar en la existencia de formas relacionales no monógamas y me parece que da mucha luz en lo limitada que es la estructura social alrededor de la monogamia y el mundo de posibilidades que hay para construir una relación como sea que nos acomode mejor a las partes involucradas.
an excellent exploration and audiobook. really impactful and great to reflect and hone my relationship to non-monogamy.
Thrilling stories from couples, and interesting perspectives on how we find our way(s) forward: the idea of infidelity brings up questions of what we think we're entitled to, what are dealbreakers in a relationship, whether or not there is a way forward. I remember a conversation with my mother as a child, wondering how anyone could stay together after someone committed infidelity. Was it just a matter of accepting it and moving or breaking up, with no in-between? Esther Perel explores all of the shades of in between, considering how a relationship is not the same afterwards... the idea that our relationships change no matter what because WE as people change.