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658 reviews for:
The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved
Esther Perel
4.26 AVERAGE
658 reviews for:
The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved
Esther Perel
4.26 AVERAGE
Esther Perel is the author of the best-seller "Mating in Captivity" about rekindling intimacy in long-term marriages. She is a therapist (a good one) with decades of experience across multiple cultures and different couples including same sex couples and polyamorous...groups? triads? anyway she's good and she knows what she is talking about from working with tons of people over the years.
This book covers the topic of Infidelity which is a hot topic that elicits strong reactions, it's after all the only sin that's twice in the ten commandments once for doing it and once for just thinking about it. it's considered the ultimate deal breaker that no marriage ever comes back from. Yet, people still cheat, like, all the time and relationships do come back from it, though often they don't and it's never the same after the revelation.
The book does an excellent job of exploring this contentious and misunderstood topic from all the angles. The chapter about the definition of cheating was thought provoking. If I have a friend at work "work wife" is it cheating if I don't have romantic feelings? What about watching porn? what if it was just sex? what if there was never any sex? There are a ton of scenarios that I had never thought about, the answer, like many things in life, depends on the person and the couple.
There are insightful chapters about the meanings and motives for cheating, it dispelled a lot of myths for me "people in happy marriages never have affairs" or "if you cheat is because there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your marriage" I mean, sometimes that's the case, there are people with narcissistic personality disorder who just don't care about other people's feelings and think the rules don't apply to them and there are times when an affair signifies the beginning of the end of a marriage. However there are times when affairs just happen, and they happen for reasons that are surprising, self-exploration, antidote to deadness, rekindling passions that were lost due to paradoxically the stability and the safety of a marriage. It turns out that safety and intimate knowledge curbs desire over the years. Other people cheat to explore the lives they never lived, etc, etc...fascinating stuff
There is a very interesting chapter dedicated to the other woman. Society does not look kindly on them, there are labels like "home-wrecker" the "mistress", "man snatcher" and worse, it's funny that it's always a woman, you never hear single dudes that have an affair with a married woman referred to as a "woman snatcher" that speaks to the gender roles we still cling to even though society and relationships have changed since the days when women had to endure infidelity from their husband because economically they had no choice but to stay at home and be a mother.
The chapter on the other woman explained affairs from their point of view, their concerns and feelings and it makes them feel heard, I wish it had an explanation about why? what makes a young attractive woman with many choices choose an older, married guy? Is it that we humans just lust after what we can't have? I think so, we're emotional machines that think, not the other way around.
There is another section in there about how to recover, the different ways that couples can move forward after the revelation, sadly some marriages cannot recover and well, that made me sad to read.
I liked the depth and breath of the book, I liked that it made me learn and see things from a different perspective. I carry my own baggage because my father had an affair that totally affected everything in our lives. I liked that the author clearly knows what she is talking about.
I didn't like the fact that there are no prescriptions in this book, if you are looking for a self-help book or something like that, seek counseling because you won't find answers here. I wish there were more examples in the book but it turns out the author has a podcast called "Where do we start" that is just that, couples come in and talk about their issues.
Overall, I liked this book as a way to understand a complex subject. Is it for everyone? Maybe, maybe not. For me it was super interesting.
This book covers the topic of Infidelity which is a hot topic that elicits strong reactions, it's after all the only sin that's twice in the ten commandments once for doing it and once for just thinking about it. it's considered the ultimate deal breaker that no marriage ever comes back from. Yet, people still cheat, like, all the time and relationships do come back from it, though often they don't and it's never the same after the revelation.
The book does an excellent job of exploring this contentious and misunderstood topic from all the angles. The chapter about the definition of cheating was thought provoking. If I have a friend at work "work wife" is it cheating if I don't have romantic feelings? What about watching porn? what if it was just sex? what if there was never any sex? There are a ton of scenarios that I had never thought about, the answer, like many things in life, depends on the person and the couple.
There are insightful chapters about the meanings and motives for cheating, it dispelled a lot of myths for me "people in happy marriages never have affairs" or "if you cheat is because there's something wrong with you or something wrong with your marriage" I mean, sometimes that's the case, there are people with narcissistic personality disorder who just don't care about other people's feelings and think the rules don't apply to them and there are times when an affair signifies the beginning of the end of a marriage. However there are times when affairs just happen, and they happen for reasons that are surprising, self-exploration, antidote to deadness, rekindling passions that were lost due to paradoxically the stability and the safety of a marriage. It turns out that safety and intimate knowledge curbs desire over the years. Other people cheat to explore the lives they never lived, etc, etc...fascinating stuff
There is a very interesting chapter dedicated to the other woman. Society does not look kindly on them, there are labels like "home-wrecker" the "mistress", "man snatcher" and worse, it's funny that it's always a woman, you never hear single dudes that have an affair with a married woman referred to as a "woman snatcher" that speaks to the gender roles we still cling to even though society and relationships have changed since the days when women had to endure infidelity from their husband because economically they had no choice but to stay at home and be a mother.
The chapter on the other woman explained affairs from their point of view, their concerns and feelings and it makes them feel heard, I wish it had an explanation about why? what makes a young attractive woman with many choices choose an older, married guy? Is it that we humans just lust after what we can't have? I think so, we're emotional machines that think, not the other way around.
There is another section in there about how to recover, the different ways that couples can move forward after the revelation, sadly some marriages cannot recover and well, that made me sad to read.
I liked the depth and breath of the book, I liked that it made me learn and see things from a different perspective. I carry my own baggage because my father had an affair that totally affected everything in our lives. I liked that the author clearly knows what she is talking about.
I didn't like the fact that there are no prescriptions in this book, if you are looking for a self-help book or something like that, seek counseling because you won't find answers here. I wish there were more examples in the book but it turns out the author has a podcast called "Where do we start" that is just that, couples come in and talk about their issues.
Overall, I liked this book as a way to understand a complex subject. Is it for everyone? Maybe, maybe not. For me it was super interesting.
challenging
reflective
sad
slow-paced
Esther is amazing and this book kind of broke my brain re: long term monogamy
Fresh off the heels of reading one of the essential books on attachment theory in adult, romantic relationships, I pursued Perel's State of Affairs after watching her TED talk on the topic of infidelity. While the term is challenging to define, she writes that anywhere from 26 to 75 percent of American men and women, hetero and homosexual alike, cheat. Immediately, Perel's work is emotionally gruelling and philosophically enlightening: to paint the broad mosaic of infidelity in all of its taboo, shame, cruelty, and plenitude. She skillfully offers a new definition: For me, infidelity includes one or more of these three constitutive elements: secrecy, sexual alchemy, and emotional involvement.
Early on in her career, Perel used to ask workshop participants and lecture attendees if they'd participated, willingly or not, in the act of infidelity. Few hands were raised. Yet when she shifted her language to: How many of you have been affected by infidelity in your lives? nearly every hand in the room was tentatively raised. And so too the book opens up to all of us, as loosely as we and the culture around us may define cheating and adultery, a great many of us have brushed against (by any number of degrees) the shadows of infidelity. Which makes this book at once compelling, disquieting, and at times even titillating.
Navigating through landmark and often oppositional experiences of "the same" illicit events by different couples, Perel peppers these egregious, devastating, private life-events with quotes from her couples sessions, emails, and one-on-one conversations. In turn, Perel offers an extensive course in alternative philosophies on not just how we define infidelity, but how we approach both those who stray, and those who are faced with the reality of that unilateral non-monogamy. Perel's empathetic views, from many years in the field and a global lens on marriage, emotional connection, and sexual desire, creates a vantage point fuelled by vulnerability, and guides us with a steady hand.
Whether we are aware of infidelity through our own relationships, that of our parents, or someone's friend's aunt's family, Perel chaperones her readers through the unspoken ambiguity, and the inherent duplicity, of modern love: the ways in which we understand marriage, male and female sexuality and desire, and what it means to be honest with ourselves, and our partners. Perel's voice is relatable, firm, and unyieldingly compassionate. She is the perfect mentor for the discomfort that comes from such a widely mislabelled and marital inevitabilities, such as jealousy and envy.
Perel lifts the foggy veil of intrinsic shame and takes our quivering hand to guide us through the numerous recent studies, attitudes, and cultural shifts that can diminish our self-discovery. She offers many an alternative view on the commonly accepted social attitudes towards infidelity's brokers and victims. Using her liberating philosophies, Perel creates a possibility of a new discourse within one's self, and the marital relationship.
This is highly recommended reading for anyone who has loved, as it is a deep and broad-reaching assessment of what it means to be in love in 2018, and likely far beyond.
Early on in her career, Perel used to ask workshop participants and lecture attendees if they'd participated, willingly or not, in the act of infidelity. Few hands were raised. Yet when she shifted her language to: How many of you have been affected by infidelity in your lives? nearly every hand in the room was tentatively raised. And so too the book opens up to all of us, as loosely as we and the culture around us may define cheating and adultery, a great many of us have brushed against (by any number of degrees) the shadows of infidelity. Which makes this book at once compelling, disquieting, and at times even titillating.
Navigating through landmark and often oppositional experiences of "the same" illicit events by different couples, Perel peppers these egregious, devastating, private life-events with quotes from her couples sessions, emails, and one-on-one conversations. In turn, Perel offers an extensive course in alternative philosophies on not just how we define infidelity, but how we approach both those who stray, and those who are faced with the reality of that unilateral non-monogamy. Perel's empathetic views, from many years in the field and a global lens on marriage, emotional connection, and sexual desire, creates a vantage point fuelled by vulnerability, and guides us with a steady hand.
Whether we are aware of infidelity through our own relationships, that of our parents, or someone's friend's aunt's family, Perel chaperones her readers through the unspoken ambiguity, and the inherent duplicity, of modern love: the ways in which we understand marriage, male and female sexuality and desire, and what it means to be honest with ourselves, and our partners. Perel's voice is relatable, firm, and unyieldingly compassionate. She is the perfect mentor for the discomfort that comes from such a widely mislabelled and marital inevitabilities, such as jealousy and envy.
Perel lifts the foggy veil of intrinsic shame and takes our quivering hand to guide us through the numerous recent studies, attitudes, and cultural shifts that can diminish our self-discovery. She offers many an alternative view on the commonly accepted social attitudes towards infidelity's brokers and victims. Using her liberating philosophies, Perel creates a possibility of a new discourse within one's self, and the marital relationship.
This is highly recommended reading for anyone who has loved, as it is a deep and broad-reaching assessment of what it means to be in love in 2018, and likely far beyond.
In a surprising number of these cases, a direct line can be traced from an extramarital adventure back to our most basic human fear—the confrontation with mortality.I appreciate Perel for tackling a topic that is still by-and-large (and at times for good reason) such a taboo. Infidelity and a breach of trust in partnerships is oftentimes traumatic and breaks up a good union. At other times, it's a necessary escape. As many things in our silly little human connections, it is filled with a lot of gray areas. Perel explores these gray areas through the help of many (and I do mean MANY) an anecdote. For the sheer length of this book (and oftentimes its repetitive nature) I would have liked if Perel focused more on non-marriage infidelity and non-heteronormative constructs. She clearly had the time and space - but it was rather used meandering and ruminating about straight marriages.
I can imagine a straight American woman devouring this novel in one go and learning a lot from it. Not to say that you glean anything from this book, just that if you have had experiences with (ethical) non-monogamy or come from a community where it is more commonplace to regard sex and love as two seperate entities, you might end up skimming a lot. (Which I, regrettably, could not do, as I listened to the audio book narrated by the lovely French-accented author herself).
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
A fascinating examination of modern couples, monogamy, power dynamics, and sex.
At times the book got tedious and redundant, but I didn't mind too much. It was thorough. I felt like Dr. Perel took us through a methodical, balanced, and measured examination of infidelity, giving the subject far more weight and respect than I ever have.
I admit that, as a person who has been cheated on, I brought a biased perspective to this book. I'm glad I got curious instead of staying furious. This was a very genuinely empathetic and educational narrative; covering everything from the history of monogamy (spoiler alert -- its based on misogyny) to Hilary Clinton- syndrome, this book held my hand walked me through the process. Hearing how other people, cultures, time periods, religions, genders, social groups, and poly couples deal with infidelity was really fascinating and eye-opening. And as a writer, Perel is talented AF. God bless those whose native language is not English, because their metaphors are all the more ear-catching and beautiful.
I also felt lucky because I got the audiobook, which the author read herself. And there was bonus content at the end where I actually got to listen to a counseling session. She is a pro.
At times the book got tedious and redundant, but I didn't mind too much. It was thorough. I felt like Dr. Perel took us through a methodical, balanced, and measured examination of infidelity, giving the subject far more weight and respect than I ever have.
I admit that, as a person who has been cheated on, I brought a biased perspective to this book. I'm glad I got curious instead of staying furious. This was a very genuinely empathetic and educational narrative; covering everything from the history of monogamy (spoiler alert -- its based on misogyny) to Hilary Clinton- syndrome, this book held my hand walked me through the process. Hearing how other people, cultures, time periods, religions, genders, social groups, and poly couples deal with infidelity was really fascinating and eye-opening. And as a writer, Perel is talented AF. God bless those whose native language is not English, because their metaphors are all the more ear-catching and beautiful.
I also felt lucky because I got the audiobook, which the author read herself. And there was bonus content at the end where I actually got to listen to a counseling session. She is a pro.
informative
reflective
slow-paced