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I research-based approach to marriage and conflict. Overall, the approach focuses on the everyday and simple encounters that couples have. I thought the principles were really straightforward and the solutions offered seemed attainable. I liked the constant references to research that either they had done or work being done in the field in general.
I listened to the first edition of the book, which sometimes seemed a bit dated. I was happy to see they published a revised version in 2015.
I listened to the first edition of the book, which sometimes seemed a bit dated. I was happy to see they published a revised version in 2015.
A very practical book for improving any marriage, complete with quizzes and exercises to do with your spouse. Lots of good things to remember in this book!
challenging
informative
reflective
slow-paced
This books was helpful and would be a great resources for couples both young and old. I enjoyed how interactive the text was engaged with games and conversation starters. Elizabeth and I completed some of the exercises on a road trip, that helped the time pass and brought up some great memories.
I'm excited to discuss this with my online book club tonight, as this book was suggested by a fellow reader. Every relationship looks different and every marriage looks different too. I'm grateful that Elizabeth and I did marriage prep and an Engaged Encounter weekend before we were married in 2015.
I'm excited to discuss this with my online book club tonight, as this book was suggested by a fellow reader. Every relationship looks different and every marriage looks different too. I'm grateful that Elizabeth and I did marriage prep and an Engaged Encounter weekend before we were married in 2015.
informative
reflective
medium-paced
informative
reflective
medium-paced
Yes I'm single and I read marriage books. Honestly though, most of these books could easily be titled in a more neutral way - like "The 7 Principles for Being a Human Who Interacts With Other Humans" HA!
I learned a lot from this book. I wonder why as humans we aren't taught methods of conflict resolution at a younger age. I definitely lack the skill and books like this help me see conflict and disagreements in a totally different light.
"In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other."
"Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage."
"As most nursing mothers can tell you, the amount of milk you produce is affected by how relaxed you feel, which is related to the release of the hormone oxytocin in the brain. So natural selection would favor a female who could quickly soothe herself and calm down after feeling stressed. Her ability to remain composed could enhance her children’s chances of survival by optimizing the amount of nutrition they received. But in the male, natural selection would reward the opposite response. For these early cooperative hunters, maintaining vigilance was a key survival skill. So males whose adrenaline kicked in quite readily and who did not calm down so easily were more likely to survive and procreate. To this day, the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than that of the female and slower to recover from stress. For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated for longer, according to research by Robert Levenson and his student Loren McCarter. The same goes for their blood pressure—his will become more elevated and stay higher longer. Psychologist Dolf Zillmann at the University of Alabama has found that when male subjects are deliberately treated rudely and then told to relax for twenty minutes, their blood pressure surges and stays elevated until they get to retaliate. But when women face the same treatment, they are able to calm down during those twenty minutes. (It’s interesting that a woman’s blood pressure tends to rise again if she is pressured into retaliating!)"
"This gender difference in how physiologically reactive our bodies are also influences what men and women tend to think about when they experience marital stress. As part of our experiments, we asked couples to watch themselves arguing on tape and then tell us what they were thinking when our sensors detected they were flooded. Their answers suggest that men have a greater tendency to have negative thoughts that maintain their distress, while women are more likely to think soothing thoughts that help them calm down and be conciliatory."
"In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change. When she orders him a salad, she knows what kind of dressing he likes. If she works late, he’ll think to record her favorite TV show. He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator. He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts."
"94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help."
"it has become clear to me that happy couples live by the credo “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”"
"No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones. This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual. As my friend Dan Siegel says, “There is no immaculate perception.” It will help you resolve your differences if you remember this basic truth."
"By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps: 1. Soften your start-up. 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 3. Soothe yourself and each other. 4. Compromise. 5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger."
I learned a lot from this book. I wonder why as humans we aren't taught methods of conflict resolution at a younger age. I definitely lack the skill and books like this help me see conflict and disagreements in a totally different light.
"In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”—they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together. That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other."
"Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict—and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. Only then will they be able to build shared meaning and a sense of purpose into their marriage."
"As most nursing mothers can tell you, the amount of milk you produce is affected by how relaxed you feel, which is related to the release of the hormone oxytocin in the brain. So natural selection would favor a female who could quickly soothe herself and calm down after feeling stressed. Her ability to remain composed could enhance her children’s chances of survival by optimizing the amount of nutrition they received. But in the male, natural selection would reward the opposite response. For these early cooperative hunters, maintaining vigilance was a key survival skill. So males whose adrenaline kicked in quite readily and who did not calm down so easily were more likely to survive and procreate. To this day, the male cardiovascular system remains more reactive than that of the female and slower to recover from stress. For example, if a man and woman suddenly hear a very loud, brief sound, like a blowout, most likely his heart will beat faster than hers and stay accelerated for longer, according to research by Robert Levenson and his student Loren McCarter. The same goes for their blood pressure—his will become more elevated and stay higher longer. Psychologist Dolf Zillmann at the University of Alabama has found that when male subjects are deliberately treated rudely and then told to relax for twenty minutes, their blood pressure surges and stays elevated until they get to retaliate. But when women face the same treatment, they are able to calm down during those twenty minutes. (It’s interesting that a woman’s blood pressure tends to rise again if she is pressured into retaliating!)"
"This gender difference in how physiologically reactive our bodies are also influences what men and women tend to think about when they experience marital stress. As part of our experiments, we asked couples to watch themselves arguing on tape and then tell us what they were thinking when our sensors detected they were flooded. Their answers suggest that men have a greater tendency to have negative thoughts that maintain their distress, while women are more likely to think soothing thoughts that help them calm down and be conciliatory."
"In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change. When she orders him a salad, she knows what kind of dressing he likes. If she works late, he’ll think to record her favorite TV show. He could tell you how she’s feeling about her boss and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator. He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts."
"94 percent of the time, couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history and their partner’s character are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help."
"it has become clear to me that happy couples live by the credo “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.”"
"No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones. This is true whether the disagreement is solvable or perpetual. As my friend Dan Siegel says, “There is no immaculate perception.” It will help you resolve your differences if you remember this basic truth."
"By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps: 1. Soften your start-up. 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 3. Soothe yourself and each other. 4. Compromise. 5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger."
informative
This was an audiobook for me.
There are workbooks and assignments you must do for this book that I feel would be beneficial. As this was an audiobook for me, i could not answer them other than in my mind, and then it was hard to keep score. Recommend reading this as a physical book (not an ebook either).
I was all on board with this book in helping my marriage until the part which was about 60% in, when it talked about taking ownership of your partner’s flaws.
Wife stated something like, “i dont like doing all the laundry. Could you help with folding and putting away?”
Husband retorted with “well no one likes doing laundry, but it’s always been done.” Wife “yeah by me, who do you think does it? Steve down the hall?” Husband “huh, guess I never thought about it.” Wife “that’s kind of cute.”
WHAT. How is it cute that he is using weaponized incompetence?? Who the hell does he think does it?
The lesson from this interchange was for her to say back to him “well I can see how you don’t think about laundry as often as I do because it’s not one of your daily tasks or on your check list. I’ll make sure to tell you when laundry needs to be done.”
Hold up. Why does she need to tell him when it needs to be done? Can’t he see that the laundry basket is full? That his drawers have less clothes in them? What the hell.
Then Dr. Gottman wanted them to take ownership of each other’s flaws. Like what? No. That is a chore that she does all the time, she brought it to his attention nicely, and suggested a possible joint task force to accomplish it together and the husband STILL gets out of doing the chore or helping her at all.
I wanted to throw the (audible) book across the room.
There were some communication techniques I will try and implement (softening your start up), having thanksgiving every day for your spouse (saying thanks for all they do, recognizing their efforts), and build/update your love maps (likes/dislikes of your partner, their life’s goals, and building your friendship up again).
There are workbooks and assignments you must do for this book that I feel would be beneficial. As this was an audiobook for me, i could not answer them other than in my mind, and then it was hard to keep score. Recommend reading this as a physical book (not an ebook either).
I was all on board with this book in helping my marriage until the part which was about 60% in, when it talked about taking ownership of your partner’s flaws.
Wife stated something like, “i dont like doing all the laundry. Could you help with folding and putting away?”
Husband retorted with “well no one likes doing laundry, but it’s always been done.” Wife “yeah by me, who do you think does it? Steve down the hall?” Husband “huh, guess I never thought about it.” Wife “that’s kind of cute.”
WHAT. How is it cute that he is using weaponized incompetence?? Who the hell does he think does it?
The lesson from this interchange was for her to say back to him “well I can see how you don’t think about laundry as often as I do because it’s not one of your daily tasks or on your check list. I’ll make sure to tell you when laundry needs to be done.”
Hold up. Why does she need to tell him when it needs to be done? Can’t he see that the laundry basket is full? That his drawers have less clothes in them? What the hell.
Then Dr. Gottman wanted them to take ownership of each other’s flaws. Like what? No. That is a chore that she does all the time, she brought it to his attention nicely, and suggested a possible joint task force to accomplish it together and the husband STILL gets out of doing the chore or helping her at all.
I wanted to throw the (audible) book across the room.
There were some communication techniques I will try and implement (softening your start up), having thanksgiving every day for your spouse (saying thanks for all they do, recognizing their efforts), and build/update your love maps (likes/dislikes of your partner, their life’s goals, and building your friendship up again).
It is, perhaps, fitting, that I gave this book 3 stars, placing it between my rating for Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (2 stars) and And Baby Makes Three (5). Gottman's books tend to get better the more recently they are published. The substance does not change dramatically, but the presentation is refined each time. Thus, if I were to recommend a Gottman book of the ones I have read, I recommend And Baby Makes Three. Despite the focus on becoming parents, most of the content is applicable to any romantic relationship, as I noted in my review. And based on the trend, I suspect that 2012's What Makes Love Last? is an even more refined version of the ideas. One question you may ask yourself is: Erika, why do you keep reading Gottman's works if they are all similar in content? Largely, it is because the solid relationship advice Gottman gives is valuable to review every few years.
The key ideas of the book are that relationships are built on a sense of trust and we-ness. Four behaviors are strong indicators that trust is degrading to a harmful point in a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Avoiding criticism and contempt does not mean always agreeing with your partner or keeping your negative feelings inside. Rather, it is about avoiding making your complaints about your spouse's personality rather than about your reaction to their behaviors. It's the difference between, "You're always late" (criticism), "You can't be trusted to do anything, even arrive on time" (contempt), and "When you were late for our dinner out, I was really upset because I had been looking forward to it all week" (complaint). Honest complaints are a necessary part of a relationship. Criticism and contempt damage it.
After laying out how these behaviors tend to destroy a relationship, Gottman and Silver go into seven principles for improving relationships. Although these are presented separately, they reinforce each other. The more you practice some, the easier the others become.
First is enhancing love maps. Having a deep understanding of your partner's present and past, hopes and dreams, makes it easier for you to respond to them in an understanding way. It also helps you respond to them in a more positive manner. You are less likely to fall into a pattern of thinking your spouse is unreliable if you remember all the times they were reliable.
Next is to nurture your sense of fondness and admiration for each other. By taking time to remember and observe the things that attracted you to your partner, you strengthen your relationship and your ability to view them positively. One thing that stuck out in this discussion is that couples who are headed for separation often have trouble remember what it was that attracted them to each other in the first place or what it was they enjoyed about their early days together. Often, couples who have troubles seeing the good in each other now can start to reconnect over their past. If they can no longer do this, that is a very negative sign.
Third is turning toward each other. However the authors' presentation of ideas changes, this is one that is always called out as critical. For a relationship to be strong, the participants need to turn toward each other when one of them makes a bid for affection. This includes being responsive when a partner tries to make repair attempts during conflict. Turning toward each other also matters in the day-to-day nurturing of a relationship, such as being responsive to a partner's need to reconnect at the end of the day.
Partners need to accept each other's influence. Gottman and Silver note that both partners need to do this, but also notes that in US culture (that being the one for which he has data), it tends to be men who are not as open to accepting influence. Accepting influence does not mean giving into your partner, especially when you do not agree. Rather, it means treating them as a partner in decision making and taking their concerns seriously when they express them.
The next two principles are related to problem solving. The authors distinguish between solvable problems and persistent problems. Solvable problems are those that are situational and can be fixed. Persistent problems are those where there are underlying issues that are not specific to the situation at hand, although disagreements over them are often triggered by specific situations. Whether a problem is solvable or persistent depends on the feelings that the participants bring to a disagreement. A disagreement about buying a car can be a situational problem about current finances or a persistent problem about attitudes toward money. Also, situational problems can become persistent problems over time if they are not handled.
Solvable problems can generally solved more productively if you approach disagreement in a productive manner. This book's method includes having a soft startup to a discussion, making repair attempts during the discussion, taking time to sooth yourself and each other during a discussion, and finding compromises.
The authors also stresses becoming tolerant of each other's differences. This is relevant for solvable problems but even more so for persistent problems. Persistent problems will probably never be solved. One partner may like order, another want the freedom to not leave their home a bit messy. One partner may be religious and the other not. One may be a spendthrift and the other thrifty. Couples can successfully live with deep differences like this as long as they come to see these as something that they can live with and even appreciate. Maybe your partner is a spendthrift and you are thrifty, but you can learn to appreciate the generosity that comes with that -- and learn how to compromise and set budgets. Likely, you will never see fully eye-to-eye on persistent issues, but you can learn to be ok with that.
The last principle is that successful couples create shared meaning. They find the areas in their life where they can create a deep inner life that belongs to both of them. This can come in the form of shared values, shared traditions, or even shared life missions. In some ways, this sense of shared meaning is the most fundamental of the principles because with it, the rest become easier. It is also the hardest; without all of the others, creating shared meaning is difficult.
P.S. I have also read, and really enjoyed, The Science of Trust. It is distinctly more academic in tone and thus not quite comparable to Gottman's straight-up relationship advice books.
P.P.S. This was a book I'd gotten on Audible years ago when I had some credits to use up. Because of the focus on questionnaires to analyze a relationship and lists of ideas for how to improve things it was actually a terrible choice for an audio book.
P.P.P.S. The language of this book focuses on marriages and is rather heteronormative. I tend to be rather "eh, it was published in 1999" about that, but others may be more annoyed.
The key ideas of the book are that relationships are built on a sense of trust and we-ness. Four behaviors are strong indicators that trust is degrading to a harmful point in a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Avoiding criticism and contempt does not mean always agreeing with your partner or keeping your negative feelings inside. Rather, it is about avoiding making your complaints about your spouse's personality rather than about your reaction to their behaviors. It's the difference between, "You're always late" (criticism), "You can't be trusted to do anything, even arrive on time" (contempt), and "When you were late for our dinner out, I was really upset because I had been looking forward to it all week" (complaint). Honest complaints are a necessary part of a relationship. Criticism and contempt damage it.
After laying out how these behaviors tend to destroy a relationship, Gottman and Silver go into seven principles for improving relationships. Although these are presented separately, they reinforce each other. The more you practice some, the easier the others become.
First is enhancing love maps. Having a deep understanding of your partner's present and past, hopes and dreams, makes it easier for you to respond to them in an understanding way. It also helps you respond to them in a more positive manner. You are less likely to fall into a pattern of thinking your spouse is unreliable if you remember all the times they were reliable.
Next is to nurture your sense of fondness and admiration for each other. By taking time to remember and observe the things that attracted you to your partner, you strengthen your relationship and your ability to view them positively. One thing that stuck out in this discussion is that couples who are headed for separation often have trouble remember what it was that attracted them to each other in the first place or what it was they enjoyed about their early days together. Often, couples who have troubles seeing the good in each other now can start to reconnect over their past. If they can no longer do this, that is a very negative sign.
Third is turning toward each other. However the authors' presentation of ideas changes, this is one that is always called out as critical. For a relationship to be strong, the participants need to turn toward each other when one of them makes a bid for affection. This includes being responsive when a partner tries to make repair attempts during conflict. Turning toward each other also matters in the day-to-day nurturing of a relationship, such as being responsive to a partner's need to reconnect at the end of the day.
Partners need to accept each other's influence. Gottman and Silver note that both partners need to do this, but also notes that in US culture (that being the one for which he has data), it tends to be men who are not as open to accepting influence. Accepting influence does not mean giving into your partner, especially when you do not agree. Rather, it means treating them as a partner in decision making and taking their concerns seriously when they express them.
The next two principles are related to problem solving. The authors distinguish between solvable problems and persistent problems. Solvable problems are those that are situational and can be fixed. Persistent problems are those where there are underlying issues that are not specific to the situation at hand, although disagreements over them are often triggered by specific situations. Whether a problem is solvable or persistent depends on the feelings that the participants bring to a disagreement. A disagreement about buying a car can be a situational problem about current finances or a persistent problem about attitudes toward money. Also, situational problems can become persistent problems over time if they are not handled.
Solvable problems can generally solved more productively if you approach disagreement in a productive manner. This book's method includes having a soft startup to a discussion, making repair attempts during the discussion, taking time to sooth yourself and each other during a discussion, and finding compromises.
The authors also stresses becoming tolerant of each other's differences. This is relevant for solvable problems but even more so for persistent problems. Persistent problems will probably never be solved. One partner may like order, another want the freedom to not leave their home a bit messy. One partner may be religious and the other not. One may be a spendthrift and the other thrifty. Couples can successfully live with deep differences like this as long as they come to see these as something that they can live with and even appreciate. Maybe your partner is a spendthrift and you are thrifty, but you can learn to appreciate the generosity that comes with that -- and learn how to compromise and set budgets. Likely, you will never see fully eye-to-eye on persistent issues, but you can learn to be ok with that.
The last principle is that successful couples create shared meaning. They find the areas in their life where they can create a deep inner life that belongs to both of them. This can come in the form of shared values, shared traditions, or even shared life missions. In some ways, this sense of shared meaning is the most fundamental of the principles because with it, the rest become easier. It is also the hardest; without all of the others, creating shared meaning is difficult.
P.S. I have also read, and really enjoyed, The Science of Trust. It is distinctly more academic in tone and thus not quite comparable to Gottman's straight-up relationship advice books.
P.P.S. This was a book I'd gotten on Audible years ago when I had some credits to use up. Because of the focus on questionnaires to analyze a relationship and lists of ideas for how to improve things it was actually a terrible choice for an audio book.
P.P.P.S. The language of this book focuses on marriages and is rather heteronormative. I tend to be rather "eh, it was published in 1999" about that, but others may be more annoyed.