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4.33 AVERAGE
4.33 AVERAGE
I picked this up as I noticed that I held some very mono-normative bias, and wanted to understand polyamory and the emotions/attachment surrounding it. This was probably not the best book to read as an introduction. This is a fairly academic text that leans very heavily on attachment theory, which I'm not sure I fully buy into.
This may be reductive of me, but it felt like this book tried to sort everyone into one of the 4 attachment types, and then provide broad recommendations for how to engage in polyamory or consensual non-monogamy. Because of this, it was very problem-oriented, which was not ideal for someone trying to understand, and coming from a very mono-normative perspective.
I will concur with some other reviewers that the majority of the book is not actually about consensual nonmonogamy, but about attachment theory and trauma. Fern doesn't get into the CNM discussion really at all until 60% of the way into the book.
My primary gripe is with Fern's HEARTS structure, which felt like a relationship framework built around an acronym rather than a real approach to relationship security. I see some of the points that she was going for, but on the whole felt it wasn't coherent.
I found this interesting, but ultimately unhelpful for me, but I don't know that I can hold that against it. I think for someone currently engaging in CNM and struggling with relationship insecurity, this may be fairly helpful. For me, it was a 2/5.
This may be reductive of me, but it felt like this book tried to sort everyone into one of the 4 attachment types, and then provide broad recommendations for how to engage in polyamory or consensual non-monogamy. Because of this, it was very problem-oriented, which was not ideal for someone trying to understand, and coming from a very mono-normative perspective.
I will concur with some other reviewers that the majority of the book is not actually about consensual nonmonogamy, but about attachment theory and trauma. Fern doesn't get into the CNM discussion really at all until 60% of the way into the book.
My primary gripe is with Fern's HEARTS structure, which felt like a relationship framework built around an acronym rather than a real approach to relationship security. I see some of the points that she was going for, but on the whole felt it wasn't coherent.
I found this interesting, but ultimately unhelpful for me, but I don't know that I can hold that against it. I think for someone currently engaging in CNM and struggling with relationship insecurity, this may be fairly helpful. For me, it was a 2/5.
informative
reflective
medium-paced
informative
medium-paced
reflective
fast-paced
i know i'm poly and i should read this but it was boring & also now i know where every western mass poly person learned how to overuse the word "trauma"
particularly thrown by the passage where she was like "we should talk about illnesses which can make communication more difficult" and i was like okay we're gonna address neurodivergence but no??? food allergies and scent sensitivity
particularly thrown by the passage where she was like "we should talk about illnesses which can make communication more difficult" and i was like okay we're gonna address neurodivergence but no??? food allergies and scent sensitivity
So many valuable takeaways about relationships in general in this book, especially on becoming secure with yourself. I will probably reread this one a few times.
This is it. This is my “everyone should read this book” book.
hopeful
informative
reflective
slow-paced
I'm annoyed that the author talks about pseudoscientific concepts like the Meyer Briggs personality test or love languages in the same way she talkes about scientifically valid resources, thus giving pseudoscientific concepts more validity than they deserve.
informative
reflective
slow-paced
Attachment theory has entered into the mainstream, but mostly the discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. This excludes so many people who do not fit neatly into the heternormative relationship box? That is where Polysecure comes in. Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern expands on the understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships and sets out specific strategies to help you move towards secure attachment in any of your relationships.
There was a bit of an overview over a non-exhaustive list of styles of non-monogamy relationships, but the book lacks because it spends too much time discussing how an established monogamous pair can transition more smoothly to non-monogamy. I wish the book had spent more time discussing actual nonmonogamy within relationships involving trans and nonbinary folk. It is a good starting point for someone who’s new to the concepts of non-monogamy and attachment theory.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Emotional abuse, Infidelity, Toxic relationship
Minor: Child abuse, Gaslighting, Abandonment