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suzie_bee's review against another edition
5.0
A wonderful book for guiding a heart at war toward peace. The real meat of the book is in the diagrams - the boxes of "I am better," "I deserve," "I need to be seen as" and "I am worse" that we put ourselves in, before we even come in contact with another human being, can completely alter our way of being with them and in turn the way we deal with conflict. I also appreciated the Peacemaking Pyramid, which shows that having a heart at peace unencumbered by these "boxes" is the strongest foundation we have in influencing others for good.
My one complaint (and it seems this is pretty universal among reviewers) is the format. I think narratives can be a powerful tool if used correctly, but in this book it felt contrived and artificial - like the author (or institute?) is saying "ok, this is how you should feel and react to this" at each step of the process. A bit patronizing at times. Still, it's a great book to keep on the shelf for future re-reading (at least of the second half).
My one complaint (and it seems this is pretty universal among reviewers) is the format. I think narratives can be a powerful tool if used correctly, but in this book it felt contrived and artificial - like the author (or institute?) is saying "ok, this is how you should feel and react to this" at each step of the process. A bit patronizing at times. Still, it's a great book to keep on the shelf for future re-reading (at least of the second half).
aprilmei's review against another edition
5.0
This was such a powerful perspective about conflict resolution that I haven't heard before. I'm grateful this teaching exists. I can already tell the difference when my heart is at peace and I'm outside the boxes. I have been in the boxes and haven't even known it. I think even just the awareness that there ARE boxes is helpful to start the process of shifting perspectives. I've been also practicing that "these are people, not objects" which is also taught in Radical Acceptance; she says, "You're real, you're real." It's so easy to see other people as "getting in our way" when we're out and about. But they are people who have their own whole lives, just like me. It might be something that should be obvious, but it's easy to forget when we are centered on ourselves and our experience. This expands what's possible even more.
“With no actual mat into which to press the other’s flesh, these verbal matches always ended in a draw: each of them claimed hollow victory while living with ongoing defeat.” pg. 13
“‘This overall structure [the Change Pyramid] will help us to discover a fundamental change that must occur in us if we are going to invite change in others.’” pg. 15
“‘I become an agent of change,’ Yusuf continued, ‘only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong. Rather than simply correcting, for example, I need to reenergize my teaching, my helping, my listening, my learning. I need to put time and effort into building relationships. And so on. If I don’t work the bottom part of the pyramid, I won’t be successful at the top.’” pg. 18
“‘So the secret to war is to have a heart at peace?’ He asked mockingly, turning back to Yusuf.
‘Yes, Lou,’ Yusuf answered unflinchingly. ‘And not just in war. It is the secret to success in business and family life as well. The state of your heart toward your children—whether at peace or at war—is by far the most important factor in this intervention we are now undertaking. It is also what will most determine your ability to successfully maneuver your company through the challenges created by your recent defections.’” pg. 27
“Avi looked squarely at Lou. ‘In every moment, we are choosing to be either like Saladin or like the crusading invaders. In the way we regard our children, our spouses, neighbors, colleagues, and strangers, we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects. They either count like we do or they don’t. In the former case, since we regard them as we regard ourselves, we say our hearts are at peace toward them. In the latter case, since we systematically view them as inferior, we say our hearts are at war.’” pg. 29
“‘Which leads us to the first reason why way of being is so important: when our hearts are at war, we can’t see clearly. We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace.’” pg. 35
“‘It’s an idea you might want to resist at first, especially regarding your children. But here it is: Generally speaking, we respond to others’ way of being toward us rather than to their behavior. Which is to say that our children respond more to how we’re regarding them than they do to our particular words or actions. We can treat our children fairly, for example, but if our hearts are warring toward them while we’re doing it, they won’t think they’re being treated fairly at all. In fact, they’ll respond to us as if they weren’t being treated fairly.’
Avi looked at the group. ‘As important as behavior is,’ he said, ‘most problems at home, at work, and in the world are not failures of strategy but failures of way of being. As we’ve discussed, when our hearts are at war, we can’t see situations clearly, we can’t consider others’ positions seriously enough to solve difficult problems, and we end up provoking hurtful behavior in others.
‘If we have deep problems, it’s because we are failing at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure.’” pg. 37
“Collusion: A conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they’re fighting against.” pg. 48
“‘The deepest way in which we are right or wrong,’ he continued, ‘is in our way of being toward others. I can be right on the surface—in my behavior or positions—while being entirely mistaken beneath, in my way of being. I might, for example, yell at my kids about the importance of chores and be entirely correct about their importance. However, do you suppose I invite the help and cooperation I am wanting from them when my heart is at war in my yelling?’” pg. 57
“‘One quick thing before you go. While you are out, I challenge you to see everyone you encounter as a person—the driver in the car next to you, the person who waits on you at whatever restaurant you go to, your spouse or partner you are with, and so on. Make a point of seeing everyone over the next ninety minutes as a person and see what happens as a result.’” pg. 64
“‘A contemporary of Heidegger named Martin Buber, whom I mentioned this morning, agreed with Heidegger that way of being in the world is what is most fundamental to human experience. He observed that there are basically two ways of being in the world: we can be in the world seeing others as people or we can be in the world seeing others as objects. He called the first way of being the I-Thou way and the second the I-It way, and he argued that we are always, in every moment, being either I-Thou or I-It—seeing others as people or seeing others as objects.’” pg. 79
“‘When I choose to act contrary to my own sense of what is appropriate,’ Yusuf continued, ‘I commit what we at Camp Moriah call an act of self-betrayal. It is a betrayal of my own sense of the right way to act in a given moment in time—not someone else’s sense or standard, but what I myself feel is right in the moment. . . . A choice to betray myself . . . is a choice to go to war.’” pg. 90-91
“‘So notice,’ Yusuf continued, ‘when I betray myself, others’ faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to “horribilize” others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel. A needy man on the street suddenly represents a threat to my very peace and freedom. A person to help becomes an object to blame.’” pg. 94
“‘There is a question I have learned to ask myself, Gwyn, when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them? In other words, if I am worried that others are getting a pass, am I also worried about whether I am giving myself one? Am I as vigilant in demanding the eradication of my own bigotry as I am in demanding the eradication of theirs?’” pg. 95
“‘Although nothing I can do in the present can take away the mistreatment of the past, the way I carry myself in the present determines how I carry forward the memories of those mistreatments. When I see others as objects, I dwell on the injustices I have suffered in order to justify myself, keeping my mistreatments and suffering alive within me. When I see others as people, on the other hand, then I free myself from the need for justification. I therefore free myself from the need to focus unduly on the worst that has been done to me. I am free to leave the worst behind me, and to see not only the bad but the mixed and good in others as well.
‘But none of that is possible,’ he continued, ‘if my heart is at war. A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace.’” pg. 104
“‘I can notice people’s relative strengths and weaknesses when I’m seeing them as people. What’s different when I’m in this box, however, is that I feel superior to or better than others because of these strengths or weaknesses. I use them to keep score of my and others’ relative worth. So when I’m in this box, I’m doing more than simply noticing differences; I’m making judgments about peoples’ worth based on those differences.’” pg. 108
“‘So notice,’ Yusuf continued, ‘the more sure I am that I’m right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself. My need for justification obscures the truth.’” pg. 112
“‘In fact,’ Yusuf continued, ‘when I let people go on hurting themselves and others without making the effort to help them to change, it is rarely because I am seeing them as a person. Usually it’s because I am being motivated by yet another kind of self-justification, a justification that very often causes people to go soft and to feel justified by their softness.’” pg. 113
“‘While I wasn’t justifying my disability, however, I was justifying something else. In fact, I was actually using my disability to justify something else—something that was crooked, something that required justification. I used my disability as justification for separating myself from others. This—the separation from others as people—is what needed justifying, for it was this act that was crooked. I turned from people at every opportunity, not allowing myself to be penetrated by their needs, and blamed my disability all the while. I told myself that I couldn’t be expected to do this thing and that given my disability. My disability was my justification! It was my excuse for failing to engage with the world.’” pg. 121
“. . . But difficult choices are still choices. No one, whatever their actions, can deprive me of the ability to choose my own way of being. Difficult people are nevertheless people, and it always remains in my power to see them that way.’” pg. 128
“‘So self-betrayal—this act of violating my own sensibilities toward another person—causes me to see that person or persons differently, and not only them but myself and the world also. . . .
‘Which is to say,’ he continued, ‘that when I violate the sensibility I have about others and how I should be toward them, I immediately begin to see the world in ways that justify my self-betrayal. In those moments, I am beginning to see and live crookedly, which creates the need within me to be justified.’” pg. 130
“’So notice the difference: in my case, I started with a desire to help but ended with contempt, whereas in your case, you started with a desire to help and ended with a desire to help.’” pg. 134
“‘So you’re saying that the sense I’m either honoring or not is this desire of helpfulness, not the mere fact of doing or not doing any particular behavior.’
. . . ‘And that’s why we use “honor” and “betray” on the choice diagram rather “do” or “not do.”’” pg. 134
“‘What you and Lou share with everyone else on the planet is a need to be justified that has arisen through a lifetime of self-betrayals. If we justify ourselves in different ways, it is because we justify ourselves within a context, and we will reach for the easiest justification we can find. So, for example, if I had been raised in a critical or demanding environment, it might have been easier for me, relatively speaking, to find refuge in worse-than or must-be-seen-as justifications. Those who were raised in affluent or sanctimonious environments, on the other hand, may naturally gravitate to better-than and I-deserve justifications, and so on. Must-be-seen-as boxes might easily arise in such circumstances as well.
‘But the key point, and the point that is the same for all of us, is that we all grab for justification, however we can get it. Because grabbing for justification is something we do, we can undo it.’” pg. 137
“‘Like Yusuf and Avi always tell us, we can’t be agents of peace until our own hearts are at peace.’” pg. 157
“‘And notice, it is not just the sense of what to do but the desire to do it that’s at issue. That desire has to come from within,’ he said.” pg. 196
Recovering Inner Clarity and Peace (four parts)
Getting out of the box
1. Look for the signs of the box (blame, justification, horribilization, common box styles, etc.)
2. Find an out-of-the-box place (out-of-the-box relationships, memories, activities, places, etc.)
3. Ponder the situation anew (i.e., from this out-of-the-box perspective), ask:
1. What are this person’s or people’s challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?
2. How am I, or some group of which I am a part, adding to these challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?
3. In what other ways have I or my group neglected or mistreated this person or group?
4. In what ways are my better-than, I-deserve, worse-than, and must-be-seen-as boxes obscuring the truth about others and myself and interfering with potential solutions?
5. What am I feeling I should do for this person or group? What could I do to help?
Staying out of the box
4. Act upon what I have discovered; do what I am feeling I should do.
“‘This then,’ Yusuf said, ‘is how peace can be recovered inwardly, even when we are surrounded by war. We stay on the lookout for signs of the box. We then find an out-of-the-box place from where we can ponder the situation with more clarity. And then we begin to consider others’ burdens instead of just our own. In the course of this, we’ll typically see things that we haven’t seen before and feel moved, therefore, to take certain new actions. In the moment we receive this sense or desire to help, we have found our way out of the box. Whether we stay out and retain a heart at peace will depend on whether we honor that sense or desire.’” pg. 197
“‘I won’t be able to tell the difference between what changes would b helpful and what changes would simply be helpful to my box until I get out of the box.’” pg. 203
“’And if we are sure about others’ need to change but are unwilling to let what we learn from them inform changes in us as well, how much change are we likely to invite? If we are poor learners, our teaching will be ineffective. Failure at one level of the pyramid always undermines success at each of the levels above it.’” pg. 207
“‘My need for justification blinds me to all kinds of possibilities. Even to the obvious ones.’” pg. 209
“Lesson 1
Most time and effort should be spent at the lower levels of the pyramid.
‘Remember: we want to spend most of our time in the levels of the pyramid below correction, which is exactly the opposite of what we normally do. We want to spend most of our time actively helping things go right rather than dealing with things that are going wrong. We want to get out of the box, build relationships, listen and learn, teach and communicate.’” pg. 214
“Lesson 2
The solution to a problem at one level of the pyramid is always below that level of the pyramid.
‘This lesson also runs counter to our normal reflex. When our correction isn’t working, we normally bear down harder and correct more. And when our teaching is going poorly, we often try to rescue it by talking more and insisting more. That is, we drone on in an attempt to correct the problems we have created by droning on!’” pg. 215
“Lesson 3
Ultimately, my effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends on the deepest level of the pyramid—my way of being.
‘I can put all the effort I want into trying to build my relationships,’ Yusuf said, ‘but if I’m in the box while I’m doing it, it won’t help much. If I’m in the box while I’m trying to learn, I’ll only end up hearing what I want to hear. And if I’m in the box while I’m trying to teach, I’ll invite resistance in all who listen.’” pg. 216
“‘A culture of change can never be created by behavioral strategy alone. Peace—whether at home, work, or between peoples—is invited only when an intelligent outward strategy is married to a peaceful inward one.’” pg. 217
“‘From within the box, passions, beliefs, and personal needs seem to divide us. When we get out of the box, however, we learn that this has been a lie. Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, beliefs, and needs that we can see and understand others’. If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others’ beliefs must be to them. And if we have needs, then our own experience equips us to noice the needs of others.’” pg. 221
Book: borrowed from SSF Main Library.
“With no actual mat into which to press the other’s flesh, these verbal matches always ended in a draw: each of them claimed hollow victory while living with ongoing defeat.” pg. 13
“‘This overall structure [the Change Pyramid] will help us to discover a fundamental change that must occur in us if we are going to invite change in others.’” pg. 15
“‘I become an agent of change,’ Yusuf continued, ‘only to the degree that I begin to live to help things go right rather than simply to correct things that are going wrong. Rather than simply correcting, for example, I need to reenergize my teaching, my helping, my listening, my learning. I need to put time and effort into building relationships. And so on. If I don’t work the bottom part of the pyramid, I won’t be successful at the top.’” pg. 18
“‘So the secret to war is to have a heart at peace?’ He asked mockingly, turning back to Yusuf.
‘Yes, Lou,’ Yusuf answered unflinchingly. ‘And not just in war. It is the secret to success in business and family life as well. The state of your heart toward your children—whether at peace or at war—is by far the most important factor in this intervention we are now undertaking. It is also what will most determine your ability to successfully maneuver your company through the challenges created by your recent defections.’” pg. 27
“Avi looked squarely at Lou. ‘In every moment, we are choosing to be either like Saladin or like the crusading invaders. In the way we regard our children, our spouses, neighbors, colleagues, and strangers, we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects. They either count like we do or they don’t. In the former case, since we regard them as we regard ourselves, we say our hearts are at peace toward them. In the latter case, since we systematically view them as inferior, we say our hearts are at war.’” pg. 29
“‘Which leads us to the first reason why way of being is so important: when our hearts are at war, we can’t see clearly. We give ourselves the best opportunity to make clear-minded decisions only to the extent that our hearts are at peace.’” pg. 35
“‘It’s an idea you might want to resist at first, especially regarding your children. But here it is: Generally speaking, we respond to others’ way of being toward us rather than to their behavior. Which is to say that our children respond more to how we’re regarding them than they do to our particular words or actions. We can treat our children fairly, for example, but if our hearts are warring toward them while we’re doing it, they won’t think they’re being treated fairly at all. In fact, they’ll respond to us as if they weren’t being treated fairly.’
Avi looked at the group. ‘As important as behavior is,’ he said, ‘most problems at home, at work, and in the world are not failures of strategy but failures of way of being. As we’ve discussed, when our hearts are at war, we can’t see situations clearly, we can’t consider others’ positions seriously enough to solve difficult problems, and we end up provoking hurtful behavior in others.
‘If we have deep problems, it’s because we are failing at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure.’” pg. 37
“Collusion: A conflict where the parties are inviting the very things they’re fighting against.” pg. 48
“‘The deepest way in which we are right or wrong,’ he continued, ‘is in our way of being toward others. I can be right on the surface—in my behavior or positions—while being entirely mistaken beneath, in my way of being. I might, for example, yell at my kids about the importance of chores and be entirely correct about their importance. However, do you suppose I invite the help and cooperation I am wanting from them when my heart is at war in my yelling?’” pg. 57
“‘One quick thing before you go. While you are out, I challenge you to see everyone you encounter as a person—the driver in the car next to you, the person who waits on you at whatever restaurant you go to, your spouse or partner you are with, and so on. Make a point of seeing everyone over the next ninety minutes as a person and see what happens as a result.’” pg. 64
“‘A contemporary of Heidegger named Martin Buber, whom I mentioned this morning, agreed with Heidegger that way of being in the world is what is most fundamental to human experience. He observed that there are basically two ways of being in the world: we can be in the world seeing others as people or we can be in the world seeing others as objects. He called the first way of being the I-Thou way and the second the I-It way, and he argued that we are always, in every moment, being either I-Thou or I-It—seeing others as people or seeing others as objects.’” pg. 79
“‘When I choose to act contrary to my own sense of what is appropriate,’ Yusuf continued, ‘I commit what we at Camp Moriah call an act of self-betrayal. It is a betrayal of my own sense of the right way to act in a given moment in time—not someone else’s sense or standard, but what I myself feel is right in the moment. . . . A choice to betray myself . . . is a choice to go to war.’” pg. 90-91
“‘So notice,’ Yusuf continued, ‘when I betray myself, others’ faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to “horribilize” others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel. A needy man on the street suddenly represents a threat to my very peace and freedom. A person to help becomes an object to blame.’” pg. 94
“‘There is a question I have learned to ask myself, Gwyn, when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them? In other words, if I am worried that others are getting a pass, am I also worried about whether I am giving myself one? Am I as vigilant in demanding the eradication of my own bigotry as I am in demanding the eradication of theirs?’” pg. 95
“‘Although nothing I can do in the present can take away the mistreatment of the past, the way I carry myself in the present determines how I carry forward the memories of those mistreatments. When I see others as objects, I dwell on the injustices I have suffered in order to justify myself, keeping my mistreatments and suffering alive within me. When I see others as people, on the other hand, then I free myself from the need for justification. I therefore free myself from the need to focus unduly on the worst that has been done to me. I am free to leave the worst behind me, and to see not only the bad but the mixed and good in others as well.
‘But none of that is possible,’ he continued, ‘if my heart is at war. A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace.’” pg. 104
“‘I can notice people’s relative strengths and weaknesses when I’m seeing them as people. What’s different when I’m in this box, however, is that I feel superior to or better than others because of these strengths or weaknesses. I use them to keep score of my and others’ relative worth. So when I’m in this box, I’m doing more than simply noticing differences; I’m making judgments about peoples’ worth based on those differences.’” pg. 108
“‘So notice,’ Yusuf continued, ‘the more sure I am that I’m right, the more likely I will actually be mistaken. My need to be right makes it more likely that I will be wrong! Likewise, the more sure I am that I am mistreated, the more likely I am to miss ways that I am mistreating others myself. My need for justification obscures the truth.’” pg. 112
“‘In fact,’ Yusuf continued, ‘when I let people go on hurting themselves and others without making the effort to help them to change, it is rarely because I am seeing them as a person. Usually it’s because I am being motivated by yet another kind of self-justification, a justification that very often causes people to go soft and to feel justified by their softness.’” pg. 113
“‘While I wasn’t justifying my disability, however, I was justifying something else. In fact, I was actually using my disability to justify something else—something that was crooked, something that required justification. I used my disability as justification for separating myself from others. This—the separation from others as people—is what needed justifying, for it was this act that was crooked. I turned from people at every opportunity, not allowing myself to be penetrated by their needs, and blamed my disability all the while. I told myself that I couldn’t be expected to do this thing and that given my disability. My disability was my justification! It was my excuse for failing to engage with the world.’” pg. 121
“. . . But difficult choices are still choices. No one, whatever their actions, can deprive me of the ability to choose my own way of being. Difficult people are nevertheless people, and it always remains in my power to see them that way.’” pg. 128
“‘So self-betrayal—this act of violating my own sensibilities toward another person—causes me to see that person or persons differently, and not only them but myself and the world also. . . .
‘Which is to say,’ he continued, ‘that when I violate the sensibility I have about others and how I should be toward them, I immediately begin to see the world in ways that justify my self-betrayal. In those moments, I am beginning to see and live crookedly, which creates the need within me to be justified.’” pg. 130
“’So notice the difference: in my case, I started with a desire to help but ended with contempt, whereas in your case, you started with a desire to help and ended with a desire to help.’” pg. 134
“‘So you’re saying that the sense I’m either honoring or not is this desire of helpfulness, not the mere fact of doing or not doing any particular behavior.’
. . . ‘And that’s why we use “honor” and “betray” on the choice diagram rather “do” or “not do.”’” pg. 134
“‘What you and Lou share with everyone else on the planet is a need to be justified that has arisen through a lifetime of self-betrayals. If we justify ourselves in different ways, it is because we justify ourselves within a context, and we will reach for the easiest justification we can find. So, for example, if I had been raised in a critical or demanding environment, it might have been easier for me, relatively speaking, to find refuge in worse-than or must-be-seen-as justifications. Those who were raised in affluent or sanctimonious environments, on the other hand, may naturally gravitate to better-than and I-deserve justifications, and so on. Must-be-seen-as boxes might easily arise in such circumstances as well.
‘But the key point, and the point that is the same for all of us, is that we all grab for justification, however we can get it. Because grabbing for justification is something we do, we can undo it.’” pg. 137
“‘Like Yusuf and Avi always tell us, we can’t be agents of peace until our own hearts are at peace.’” pg. 157
“‘And notice, it is not just the sense of what to do but the desire to do it that’s at issue. That desire has to come from within,’ he said.” pg. 196
Recovering Inner Clarity and Peace (four parts)
Getting out of the box
1. Look for the signs of the box (blame, justification, horribilization, common box styles, etc.)
2. Find an out-of-the-box place (out-of-the-box relationships, memories, activities, places, etc.)
3. Ponder the situation anew (i.e., from this out-of-the-box perspective), ask:
1. What are this person’s or people’s challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?
2. How am I, or some group of which I am a part, adding to these challenges, trials, burdens, and pains?
3. In what other ways have I or my group neglected or mistreated this person or group?
4. In what ways are my better-than, I-deserve, worse-than, and must-be-seen-as boxes obscuring the truth about others and myself and interfering with potential solutions?
5. What am I feeling I should do for this person or group? What could I do to help?
Staying out of the box
4. Act upon what I have discovered; do what I am feeling I should do.
“‘This then,’ Yusuf said, ‘is how peace can be recovered inwardly, even when we are surrounded by war. We stay on the lookout for signs of the box. We then find an out-of-the-box place from where we can ponder the situation with more clarity. And then we begin to consider others’ burdens instead of just our own. In the course of this, we’ll typically see things that we haven’t seen before and feel moved, therefore, to take certain new actions. In the moment we receive this sense or desire to help, we have found our way out of the box. Whether we stay out and retain a heart at peace will depend on whether we honor that sense or desire.’” pg. 197
“‘I won’t be able to tell the difference between what changes would b helpful and what changes would simply be helpful to my box until I get out of the box.’” pg. 203
“’And if we are sure about others’ need to change but are unwilling to let what we learn from them inform changes in us as well, how much change are we likely to invite? If we are poor learners, our teaching will be ineffective. Failure at one level of the pyramid always undermines success at each of the levels above it.’” pg. 207
“‘My need for justification blinds me to all kinds of possibilities. Even to the obvious ones.’” pg. 209
“Lesson 1
Most time and effort should be spent at the lower levels of the pyramid.
‘Remember: we want to spend most of our time in the levels of the pyramid below correction, which is exactly the opposite of what we normally do. We want to spend most of our time actively helping things go right rather than dealing with things that are going wrong. We want to get out of the box, build relationships, listen and learn, teach and communicate.’” pg. 214
“Lesson 2
The solution to a problem at one level of the pyramid is always below that level of the pyramid.
‘This lesson also runs counter to our normal reflex. When our correction isn’t working, we normally bear down harder and correct more. And when our teaching is going poorly, we often try to rescue it by talking more and insisting more. That is, we drone on in an attempt to correct the problems we have created by droning on!’” pg. 215
“Lesson 3
Ultimately, my effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends on the deepest level of the pyramid—my way of being.
‘I can put all the effort I want into trying to build my relationships,’ Yusuf said, ‘but if I’m in the box while I’m doing it, it won’t help much. If I’m in the box while I’m trying to learn, I’ll only end up hearing what I want to hear. And if I’m in the box while I’m trying to teach, I’ll invite resistance in all who listen.’” pg. 216
“‘A culture of change can never be created by behavioral strategy alone. Peace—whether at home, work, or between peoples—is invited only when an intelligent outward strategy is married to a peaceful inward one.’” pg. 217
“‘From within the box, passions, beliefs, and personal needs seem to divide us. When we get out of the box, however, we learn that this has been a lie. Our passions, beliefs, and needs do not divide but unite: it is by virtue of our own passions, beliefs, and needs that we can see and understand others’. If we have beliefs we cherish, then we know how important others’ beliefs must be to them. And if we have needs, then our own experience equips us to noice the needs of others.’” pg. 221
Book: borrowed from SSF Main Library.
omills's review against another edition
5.0
I read this before several years ago and it was very nice to refresh myself on its principles. It helps me to reorient and ground myself. I look forward to adopting its principles, or at least trying.
bethpeninger's review against another edition
5.0
The Arbinger Institute looks at conflict in a very different way, we either honor or betray our way of being and the choice we make determines the kind of conflict we get involved in. Continuing with the ideas presented in Leadership and Self-Deception, as well as in Bonds that Make Us Free, The Anatomy of Peace dissects conflict and turns it upside down, freeing it from traditional thought and methods.
Using a relationship between an Arab and Israelite peace, and the heart of it, is explored in story form. Yusi and Avi run a camp for troubled youth and part of the intervention is a two day parent/guardian seminar. It is during this seminar that the reader gets to listen in and learn about what lies at the heart of conflict and how to turn from war to peace - in our relationships, homes, workplaces, communities. It all centers on our way of being and whether we honor or betray people and our hearts. Generally we operate through dealing with things - and people - that are going wrong and neglecting helping things go right. But when we learn to honor people and our hearts then our focus becomes helping things go right and conflict changes.
There's a lot of conflict happening in my current workplace and I'm always interested in learning more about conflict resolution and learning about my role - willingly or not - in it and how I can improve my communication, etc. This is an excellent resource with profound insights. I highly recommend it, highly.
Using a relationship between an Arab and Israelite peace, and the heart of it, is explored in story form. Yusi and Avi run a camp for troubled youth and part of the intervention is a two day parent/guardian seminar. It is during this seminar that the reader gets to listen in and learn about what lies at the heart of conflict and how to turn from war to peace - in our relationships, homes, workplaces, communities. It all centers on our way of being and whether we honor or betray people and our hearts. Generally we operate through dealing with things - and people - that are going wrong and neglecting helping things go right. But when we learn to honor people and our hearts then our focus becomes helping things go right and conflict changes.
There's a lot of conflict happening in my current workplace and I'm always interested in learning more about conflict resolution and learning about my role - willingly or not - in it and how I can improve my communication, etc. This is an excellent resource with profound insights. I highly recommend it, highly.
madisonerasmus's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.5
mecoltrane's review against another edition
I had my managers read this for our leadership book club and they liked it. It has great concepts if you can get the past the audiobook version which has a white male doing all the voices including women and people of color.
chrisannee's review against another edition
3.0
The material was good but the presentation wasn't my favorite. I have a hard time with fictionalized non-fiction.