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Whilst 'the 7 principles for making marriage work' is scientific studied stuff so maybe do read that one, this is just really user friendly. It's easy to read and distills some really helpful ideas into memorable 'points' sometimes we read a tonne of stuff and forget half of it but go to points like 'the couple bubble' changing anxious avoidance into 'anchor, wave and island' and 'no 3rd parties, your partner should be a priority (alcohol, work, friends, family members & AFAIRS). Yeah it's just a damn useful book and it told me off so bad. It validate, it explain, it atacc.
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
I think there are better books on relationships out there (such as anything by the Gottmans) and better books around attachment (Attached to name one) but it seems that some people have found this book and it’s language helpful. I found the tone a bit condescending (perhaps due in part to the narrator) and some of the relationship advice leaning towards codependency over healthy (such as a statement that if you didn’t use the bathroom in front of your partner your relationship is in trouble bc you’re not comfortable enough). I didn’t find the red berry helpful but still am giving it a three because I can see how some couples would benefit, particularly from the non-judgmental attachment language.
hopeful
informative
medium-paced
In contrast to a similar book, Attached, I found Wired For Love to provide more tools for handling conflict in relationships with opposing attachment styles. The overall tone of this book was much more hopeful and helpful.
This provides a readable, non-academic look at the neurology of attachment and how it manifests in relationships, primarily spouse/partner. I feel it also has implications for how we interact with our children, as their neuropathways for attachment and relationships are developing. In other words, how we lover our family, and how we permit love to be enacted in our homes, impacts how our children will do this long after they grow up and start homes and families of their own.
Perceptions and inner thoughts are paramount in the discussion of attachment and relationships. Tatkin notes, "The feeling of closeness is subjective. That is, how close you feel to your partner, and how safe you feel, both take place within you. You may feel very close to your partner, but he or she isn't likely to know how you feel unless you say so." In other words, its all in your head, but then, so is EVERYTHING in life. Wow, doesn't just bring back the train depot scene in Deathly Hallows Part 2 when Harry and Dumbledore discuss what is only in Harry's mind?!
While this book definitely has the self-help feel of a relationship book, it has just enough plain-spoken neurobiology to keep it interesting. And flat out common sense, such as "Because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired." Basically, the neuroadaptive behaviors we learn as children will rise to the forefront when we are feeling unsafe as adults. We can learn to identify it and attempt to intervene in our instinctive behaviors to grow more positive relationships, but we are really dealing with our internal selves here as much (or maybe more than) we are dealing with our partner and their past/present.
He spends most of the book discussing attachment styles - he calls them anchors, islands, and waves - and how they play out in relationships. The key take away for me was that we should understand our own attachment style and neurological tendencies well enough to know how to manage our actions and words when they are triggered by our more primitive and instinctive responses. And isn't that always a good skill for us to practice - in spousal relationships, in parenting, and even in our work relationships.
Perceptions and inner thoughts are paramount in the discussion of attachment and relationships. Tatkin notes, "The feeling of closeness is subjective. That is, how close you feel to your partner, and how safe you feel, both take place within you. You may feel very close to your partner, but he or she isn't likely to know how you feel unless you say so." In other words, its all in your head, but then, so is EVERYTHING in life. Wow, doesn't just bring back the train depot scene in Deathly Hallows Part 2 when Harry and Dumbledore discuss what is only in Harry's mind?!
While this book definitely has the self-help feel of a relationship book, it has just enough plain-spoken neurobiology to keep it interesting. And flat out common sense, such as "Because nitty-gritty personal history always trumps ideals. This is just the way we're wired." Basically, the neuroadaptive behaviors we learn as children will rise to the forefront when we are feeling unsafe as adults. We can learn to identify it and attempt to intervene in our instinctive behaviors to grow more positive relationships, but we are really dealing with our internal selves here as much (or maybe more than) we are dealing with our partner and their past/present.
He spends most of the book discussing attachment styles - he calls them anchors, islands, and waves - and how they play out in relationships. The key take away for me was that we should understand our own attachment style and neurological tendencies well enough to know how to manage our actions and words when they are triggered by our more primitive and instinctive responses. And isn't that always a good skill for us to practice - in spousal relationships, in parenting, and even in our work relationships.
informative
lighthearted
reflective
medium-paced
Nice science-backed relationship book which makes some great and helpful points. The exercises are also useful; the style of writing is entertaining and easy to follow.
medium-paced
Some useful nuggets. My spouse and I found much of the language/terms cringey, especially as read out loud in the audiobook.
Some of the concepts are presented in a condescending way. Some of the examples are weak—take the college-aged couple in Chapter 1. (Their issue can logically be explained away by the stage of life they’re in.)
Lastly, the concepts are ableist in that they do not account for couples in which one or both members are neurodivergent. This is not the book for you if your partner or you are ND.
Some of the concepts are presented in a condescending way. Some of the examples are weak—take the college-aged couple in Chapter 1. (Their issue can logically be explained away by the stage of life they’re in.)
Lastly, the concepts are ableist in that they do not account for couples in which one or both members are neurodivergent. This is not the book for you if your partner or you are ND.
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
This book feels patronizing and condescending. It is so repetitive that it feels like being hit repeatedly in the head with a frying pan as he tries to make his points. The worldview is narrow-minded. It was a struggle to get through this relatively short volume.