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lovegriefandgender's review
informative
reflective
fast-paced
2.5
The most are-straight-people-ok? book I've ever read. Anyone who claims that sex lasting over two hours is unusual has no lesbian friends. No, I will not expand.
The only mention of queer lives at all comes in the chapter on Pornography, where lesbians and "shemales" are categories of fantasy. There is no nuance on the subject of pornography, nor on its use as sex education for a vast number of people -- rightly or wrongly -- it is merely a depraved and senseless waste of time. Marquis de Sade, incidentally, was a sick man unworthy of exploration in a book about sex in the modern world.
Don't bother talking about Polyamory or ethical non-monogamy Alain! Just tell us that cheating is naïve and that people who feel betrayed when cheated on are denying a basic truth.
None of this lack of scope would bother me, however, if it wasn't presented as a series of universal truths, perforated by the sanctimonious "we" to describe everyone's experiences of sex through the most vanilla cishet couples imaginable. Do I expect to be pandered to? No. But I don't expect to be ignored in a book about "us", then mentioned as somebody's deranged wet dream.
I could go on with the endless things this book claims to cover but doesn't, but I'll stop. Truth be told, there are some really interesting ideas here, especially when talking about art and the framing of beauty and purpose; as well as the very human fear of sexual rejection. It's important to read things we don't agree with sometimes. That's my takeaway.
The only mention of queer lives at all comes in the chapter on Pornography, where lesbians and "shemales" are categories of fantasy. There is no nuance on the subject of pornography, nor on its use as sex education for a vast number of people -- rightly or wrongly -- it is merely a depraved and senseless waste of time. Marquis de Sade, incidentally, was a sick man unworthy of exploration in a book about sex in the modern world.
Don't bother talking about Polyamory or ethical non-monogamy Alain! Just tell us that cheating is naïve and that people who feel betrayed when cheated on are denying a basic truth.
None of this lack of scope would bother me, however, if it wasn't presented as a series of universal truths, perforated by the sanctimonious "we" to describe everyone's experiences of sex through the most vanilla cishet couples imaginable. Do I expect to be pandered to? No. But I don't expect to be ignored in a book about "us", then mentioned as somebody's deranged wet dream.
I could go on with the endless things this book claims to cover but doesn't, but I'll stop. Truth be told, there are some really interesting ideas here, especially when talking about art and the framing of beauty and purpose; as well as the very human fear of sexual rejection. It's important to read things we don't agree with sometimes. That's my takeaway.
vinisha's review
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.0
This book offers some polarizing views; some perspectives serve as good insights while others come across as utterly bizarre, especially his views on adultery.
“In a well-judged marriage, spouses should not blame each other for occasional infidelities; instead they should feel proud that they have for the most part managed to remain committed to their union. Too many people start off in relationships by putting the moral emphasis in the wrong place, smugly mocking the urge to stray as if it were something disgusting and unthinkable. But in truth, it is the ability to stay that is both wondrous and worthy of honour, though it is too often simply taken for granted and deemed the normal state of affairs. That a couple should be willing to watch their lives go by from within the cage of marriage, without acting on outside sexual impulses, is a miracle of civilization and kindness for which they ought both to feel grateful on a daily basis.”
-yea, man’s lost his marbles, I’d love to know what his partner has to say about this 🥴
He briefly mentions the Karezza method, where the emphasis is not on sexual passion but spiritual love for another person—shifting the focus from orgasm to getting in touch with sensuality. And I absolutely loved the section where he explored love as a bourgeois construct. (Cue the Pet shop boys reference😆) this notion where class structures has an impact on love and marriage trends. How the expectations of society shaped desires for the same conservative values of exclusivity, monogamy, stability etc. in marriage. He proceeds to explain that in the 18th century, the bourgeois approach of marriage was replaced by love-based unions. Where marriage transitioned from being an institution to being the consecration of feeling, from being an external rite of passage to it being an internally motivated response to an emotional state. Quite interesting, I must say.
Other notable quotes-
“Nothing is erotic that isn’t also, with the wrong person, revolting, which is precisely what makes erotic moments so intense: at the precise juncture where disgust could be at its height, we find only welcome and permission”
“The more closely we analyse what we consider ‘sexy’, the more clearly we will understand that eroticism is the feeling of excitement we experience at finding another human being who shares our values and our sense of the meaning of existence” (100% agree with you there sir)
Now, upon completing Normal People it seemed natural to delve into this book. In the end, the author has referenced his “homework” books and they sound super interesting. Is the curious cat going to jump deeper down the rabbit hole in the name of science? Hell yeah! 😂
“In a well-judged marriage, spouses should not blame each other for occasional infidelities; instead they should feel proud that they have for the most part managed to remain committed to their union. Too many people start off in relationships by putting the moral emphasis in the wrong place, smugly mocking the urge to stray as if it were something disgusting and unthinkable. But in truth, it is the ability to stay that is both wondrous and worthy of honour, though it is too often simply taken for granted and deemed the normal state of affairs. That a couple should be willing to watch their lives go by from within the cage of marriage, without acting on outside sexual impulses, is a miracle of civilization and kindness for which they ought both to feel grateful on a daily basis.”
-yea, man’s lost his marbles, I’d love to know what his partner has to say about this 🥴
He briefly mentions the Karezza method, where the emphasis is not on sexual passion but spiritual love for another person—shifting the focus from orgasm to getting in touch with sensuality. And I absolutely loved the section where he explored love as a bourgeois construct. (Cue the Pet shop boys reference😆) this notion where class structures has an impact on love and marriage trends. How the expectations of society shaped desires for the same conservative values of exclusivity, monogamy, stability etc. in marriage. He proceeds to explain that in the 18th century, the bourgeois approach of marriage was replaced by love-based unions. Where marriage transitioned from being an institution to being the consecration of feeling, from being an external rite of passage to it being an internally motivated response to an emotional state. Quite interesting, I must say.
Other notable quotes-
“Nothing is erotic that isn’t also, with the wrong person, revolting, which is precisely what makes erotic moments so intense: at the precise juncture where disgust could be at its height, we find only welcome and permission”
“The more closely we analyse what we consider ‘sexy’, the more clearly we will understand that eroticism is the feeling of excitement we experience at finding another human being who shares our values and our sense of the meaning of existence” (100% agree with you there sir)
Now, upon completing Normal People it seemed natural to delve into this book. In the end, the author has referenced his “homework” books and they sound super interesting. Is the curious cat going to jump deeper down the rabbit hole in the name of science? Hell yeah! 😂
tumblehawk's review
2.0
An enjoyable, brief read. The pornography chapter starts off extremely promising and then descends into a rather incredibly problematic discourse on government regulation in which de Botton claims that while he has libertarian sensibilities, perhaps (so many "perhaps"es to cover his own arse, it's horrible) we need to be kept from certain things "for our own good." This (in my eyes) vile estimation of what must be done about the problems in pornography/the internet was wholly responsible for the book being downgraded from 4 to 3 stars, for me.
clairrus's review
1.0
Felt like a set of observations with no real insight about anything at all. Luckily this was short as it felt like a waste of my day
elnechnntt's review
4.0
3.5 rounded up because, Alain, you do amuse me so.
This is a light hearted and decidedly British colloquial amble through what De Botton tactfully calls ‘the right way to think about sex’.
Some wonderful insights and ‘ahhh. That makes so much sense!’ moments that I do always enjoy from this book series. If sexual awakening is something you’re struggling with, or perhaps you do find yourself thinking about sex in archaic gendered ways this is a great book to get the churn churning and flip your thinking.
Alas, De Botton might not be our best tour guide for sexual deviancy. There were just a few points here where my mind was like ‘Um. Come again??’ (pun intended). I love how he draws all this together but something just doesn’t quite fit for me with his telling (he really does try impossibly hard to convince us that adultery is really actually okay. To quote: ‘Should there really be a need to apologise for a desire that couldn’t be more understandable or ordinary?’ - The desire to want to have sex with other people - no. But the actuality of sleeping with other people and cheating on your partner? Damn. Straight). I don’t think he’s going to convince anyone with that. Least of all his wife.
Anyway. Definitely give it a go. Whether you feel at peace and courageous about your sexuality or meek as mouse. There’s something here for everyone.
This is a light hearted and decidedly British colloquial amble through what De Botton tactfully calls ‘the right way to think about sex’.
Some wonderful insights and ‘ahhh. That makes so much sense!’ moments that I do always enjoy from this book series. If sexual awakening is something you’re struggling with, or perhaps you do find yourself thinking about sex in archaic gendered ways this is a great book to get the churn churning and flip your thinking.
Alas, De Botton might not be our best tour guide for sexual deviancy. There were just a few points here where my mind was like ‘Um. Come again??’ (pun intended). I love how he draws all this together but something just doesn’t quite fit for me with his telling (he really does try impossibly hard to convince us that adultery is really actually okay. To quote: ‘Should there really be a need to apologise for a desire that couldn’t be more understandable or ordinary?’ - The desire to want to have sex with other people - no. But the actuality of sleeping with other people and cheating on your partner? Damn. Straight). I don’t think he’s going to convince anyone with that. Least of all his wife.
Anyway. Definitely give it a go. Whether you feel at peace and courageous about your sexuality or meek as mouse. There’s something here for everyone.
moonshake's review
usually game to hear what de botton has to say. quick and not very serious in the least. as fun little thought exercises, it's fine-i say this without contempt. it was a distraction. for anyone looking for rigorous exploration or help: what are you doing here
anniew415's review
3.0
Fun and playful but still full of de Botton’s poignancy. A lot to mull over but the topic holds a lot of interest...cheeky and good.