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alvinhutchinson's review against another edition
3.0
The best part was a sort of Bill of Rights that everyone has. People who are afraid to say, "no" sometimes forget they have the right to do so, to change their minds, to decide without offering an explanation or justification, etc. The remainder of the book emphasized 3-4 techniques in assertive communication. Among them was the broken record whereby a person simply repeats their desire without getting caught up in negotiation or explanation. The bulk of the text is sample dialogs which illustrate these several techniques. I found them interesting but not compelling. The only thing I got out of this book was the reassurance that many, many people in this world have the same tendencies I do and I find comfort in that.
The book was highly recommended by a Reddit post and because life is a game of expectations, that's probably why I was mildly disappointed. Still, it wasn't a waste of time.
The book was highly recommended by a Reddit post and because life is a game of expectations, that's probably why I was mildly disappointed. Still, it wasn't a waste of time.
test124's review against another edition
3.0
Like other reviewers have said, the author starts off strong with explaining the importance of learning assertiveness in all your relationships. He gives a large variety of examples for the different techniques used with parent-adult child relationships, workplace relationships, friendships, and romantic relationship. As you read through the book, you'll notice the biggest issue is that the author sometimes gives examples that aren't actually assertive--instead some of these examples are unfortunately manipulative.
"Fogging" is a technique that involves trying to give as neutral a response as possible. This helps in situations where the manipulative person is looking for a reaction or is pressing you to do what he/she wants. For example, if someone complains to you about a problem they have at work, and says "It's not fair!!" you can respond with a neutral response like "Hm, I see" and "That sounds tough/stressful" so that you're not getting yourself involved in that person's problem/making it your problem and you're not escalating the problem with a reactive response. The author gives some examples of neutral responses like this, as well as responses like "you may be right, it might not be fair. I don't know." He says it's okay to agree with the person even if you don't really agree and to say you don't know even if you do, which is dishonest, manipulative and doesn't work in situations where you're with close friends who know you (and thus know you're lying or playing dumb, which they can take offense to) as well as work situations where your boss/colleagues who are pressuring you might think you're incompetent since you're saying he may be right and you don't know, but you're not offering to rectify the situation beyond saying that (some of the examples he gave were pretty absurd so it wasn't like there was really a grey zone for a "you might be right")....
"Repetition" is a technique where if a manipulative person keeps trying to pressure you, you keep repeating your fogging reply. It just sounded really ridiculous hearing the author saying "you may be right, but I don't know" over and over again like a broken record. In real life, if your superior at work hears you stubbornly persisting in your answer like this they have cause for concern that you can't do your job. I think depending on the situation, a better reply would be to just say you notice that the person is really pressing the issue and that it's making you very uncomfortable. You can ask them to stop pressuring you. You can have a discussion and still reinforce your no, if it helps; however, no should be enough when you don't want to do something. Another better reply would be to negotiate what you're willing and able to do. If you're being asked to do XYZ by Friday, you can say that since ABC is the priority and due by Friday you won't be able to do both, so you can either shift the priority and do XYZ by this Friday and ABC by next Friday or let your boss decide. If you're unable to do XYZ, you can also say you can do Y but your boss will have to find someone else to cover XZ.
When the author gives examples of being assertive in relationships later on in the book, a big mistake he makes is using the toxic JADE technique, which is trying to force the person you're having a conversation with to Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain until you get your way. If one partner wants something to happen but the other is uncomfortable, in one of the examples it sounds like one partner is really coercing the other to justify and explain and exhaustively uses their "I don't know's" against them by rationalizing their thoughts. The most important thing should be to respect someone's feelings and to not force others to do something they don't want to whether or not it seems rational to you. If someone you have been married to for years feels uncomfortable about your suggestion of trying out a nudist colony and is concerned about you checking out other nude people and partaking in group sex, your response shouldn't be "what's wrong with checking out other nude people?" and pushing other questions along this line using the JADE technique. In the example, the wife was not prepared for this conversation so she didn't know to directly say that in their traditional marriage vows that's considered a form of infidelity and not something she signed up for. I was upset that it seemed like the author didn't train the wife to be assertive in this case (despite being a therapist who works with both partners in a couple), since it's also manipulative to have a discussion like this when only one partner has the tools to assert himself and is out to prioritize his own interests over that of the relationship. When the author makes this mistake to JADE, it contradicts something he said in the beginning of the book about how you don't have to explain yourself because oftentimes when someone wants you to explain yourself they aren't looking to understand you, they are only looking to debate you and wear you down until you agree to do what they want (which is how he led into fogging and repetition).
The book "Out of the Fog" recommends that it's healthy to state your opinion on an issue, but note to state your point of view ONCE AND ONCE ONLY! This is healthy assertiveness (vs JADE).
It's tough to find resources that cover difficult communication topics well. I think the reason most books give limited examples is that a lot of issues are complex and have a lot of history. This book did a solid job with the basics, and I do appreciate the author giving a breadth of examples. Even though some other reviewers said that the book seems dated, some examples resonated with me including the pushy guilt-tripping parent-adult child dynamic, the freeloading friend dynamic, and the awkward learning how to assert yourself in a new relationship so you can get your sexual needs met example. I think a lot of people who are just learning how to be assertive can learn a lot from this book.
"Fogging" is a technique that involves trying to give as neutral a response as possible. This helps in situations where the manipulative person is looking for a reaction or is pressing you to do what he/she wants. For example, if someone complains to you about a problem they have at work, and says "It's not fair!!" you can respond with a neutral response like "Hm, I see" and "That sounds tough/stressful" so that you're not getting yourself involved in that person's problem/making it your problem and you're not escalating the problem with a reactive response. The author gives some examples of neutral responses like this, as well as responses like "you may be right, it might not be fair. I don't know." He says it's okay to agree with the person even if you don't really agree and to say you don't know even if you do, which is dishonest, manipulative and doesn't work in situations where you're with close friends who know you (and thus know you're lying or playing dumb, which they can take offense to) as well as work situations where your boss/colleagues who are pressuring you might think you're incompetent since you're saying he may be right and you don't know, but you're not offering to rectify the situation beyond saying that (some of the examples he gave were pretty absurd so it wasn't like there was really a grey zone for a "you might be right")....
"Repetition" is a technique where if a manipulative person keeps trying to pressure you, you keep repeating your fogging reply. It just sounded really ridiculous hearing the author saying "you may be right, but I don't know" over and over again like a broken record. In real life, if your superior at work hears you stubbornly persisting in your answer like this they have cause for concern that you can't do your job. I think depending on the situation, a better reply would be to just say you notice that the person is really pressing the issue and that it's making you very uncomfortable. You can ask them to stop pressuring you. You can have a discussion and still reinforce your no, if it helps; however, no should be enough when you don't want to do something. Another better reply would be to negotiate what you're willing and able to do. If you're being asked to do XYZ by Friday, you can say that since ABC is the priority and due by Friday you won't be able to do both, so you can either shift the priority and do XYZ by this Friday and ABC by next Friday or let your boss decide. If you're unable to do XYZ, you can also say you can do Y but your boss will have to find someone else to cover XZ.
When the author gives examples of being assertive in relationships later on in the book, a big mistake he makes is using the toxic JADE technique, which is trying to force the person you're having a conversation with to Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain until you get your way. If one partner wants something to happen but the other is uncomfortable, in one of the examples it sounds like one partner is really coercing the other to justify and explain and exhaustively uses their "I don't know's" against them by rationalizing their thoughts. The most important thing should be to respect someone's feelings and to not force others to do something they don't want to whether or not it seems rational to you. If someone you have been married to for years feels uncomfortable about your suggestion of trying out a nudist colony and is concerned about you checking out other nude people and partaking in group sex, your response shouldn't be "what's wrong with checking out other nude people?" and pushing other questions along this line using the JADE technique. In the example, the wife was not prepared for this conversation so she didn't know to directly say that in their traditional marriage vows that's considered a form of infidelity and not something she signed up for. I was upset that it seemed like the author didn't train the wife to be assertive in this case (despite being a therapist who works with both partners in a couple), since it's also manipulative to have a discussion like this when only one partner has the tools to assert himself and is out to prioritize his own interests over that of the relationship. When the author makes this mistake to JADE, it contradicts something he said in the beginning of the book about how you don't have to explain yourself because oftentimes when someone wants you to explain yourself they aren't looking to understand you, they are only looking to debate you and wear you down until you agree to do what they want (which is how he led into fogging and repetition).
The book "Out of the Fog" recommends that it's healthy to state your opinion on an issue, but note to state your point of view ONCE AND ONCE ONLY! This is healthy assertiveness (vs JADE).
It's tough to find resources that cover difficult communication topics well. I think the reason most books give limited examples is that a lot of issues are complex and have a lot of history. This book did a solid job with the basics, and I do appreciate the author giving a breadth of examples. Even though some other reviewers said that the book seems dated, some examples resonated with me including the pushy guilt-tripping parent-adult child dynamic, the freeloading friend dynamic, and the awkward learning how to assert yourself in a new relationship so you can get your sexual needs met example. I think a lot of people who are just learning how to be assertive can learn a lot from this book.
kaleymiller's review against another edition
3.0
Helpful but then terrible language and women shaming at the end.
kathybekker's review against another edition
3.0
Interesting book on assertiveness training. Definitely has a 1970s feel to it.
sonnyjim91's review against another edition
Some good material here, but it very much shows its age.
hg126's review against another edition
1.0
This is possibly the most misogynistic book I have ever read. It's almost comically sexist. All the negative figures are women. Women are housewives, secretaries and typists. One climbs as high as office supervisor!
But that's fluff compared to the real nastiness; an incident of domestic abuse is used as a funny anecdote.
The 'hero' of one example is a nasty, weak willed, passive drunk who threatens to beat his wife. The wife he threatens with domestic violence is portrayed as the bad guy for 'nagging'. The hero of another example, who leaves his clothes scattered around the house, is encouraged to assertively explain to his wife that he doesn't care that she wants a tidy home.
The author suggests that sexual dysfunction in women is a form of deliberate manipulation designed to 'cut up' their husbands. He describes dyspareunia as 'sexual malingering' - as though experiencing involuntary physical pain were the equivalent of bunking off work!
The author also portrays the idea of having gay friends as 'threatening'.
I know this was originally published in the 70s, but it was republished as recently as 2011. Come on.
But that's fluff compared to the real nastiness; an incident of domestic abuse is used as a funny anecdote.
The 'hero' of one example is a nasty, weak willed, passive drunk who threatens to beat his wife. The wife he threatens with domestic violence is portrayed as the bad guy for 'nagging'. The hero of another example, who leaves his clothes scattered around the house, is encouraged to assertively explain to his wife that he doesn't care that she wants a tidy home.
The author suggests that sexual dysfunction in women is a form of deliberate manipulation designed to 'cut up' their husbands. He describes dyspareunia as 'sexual malingering' - as though experiencing involuntary physical pain were the equivalent of bunking off work!
The author also portrays the idea of having gay friends as 'threatening'.
I know this was originally published in the 70s, but it was republished as recently as 2011. Come on.
jmbowe92's review against another edition
2.0
The first 125 pages lay out the basics. This section contains background information, one overarching idea, and 3 useful techniques. If you read the first 125 pages, you're good. The rest of the book is just filled with examples. The examples are often very dated. Language and culture has changed a lot since 1975, but the 3 techniques to reduce manipulation and to be more assertive can still be useful today.
willowsfair's review against another edition
3.0
Dated, but for those who are not familiar with assertiveness training, this is the basic book. Try to overlook the misogyny and overly wordy phrasing as these were unfortunately normal for the period. It would be great if these basic techniques were updated in a new edition.