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waynediane's review against another edition
5.0
Good book about role models - Males or boys not wanting to grown up. The author offers a lot of insight from many of his counseling sessions with couples that find common ground through simple solutions. I think his book US is more up to date and better. He recommends that it is better for both individuals to read this book, but one person from a marriage would still benefit from some of his advice.
omikun's review against another edition
4.0
This was a great book on how people deal with conflicts if you can look over the persistently sexist examples. I manage to look over it by mentally rephrasing the pronouns so they fit my life better.
Key take aways for me:
Failing strategies - we often resort to strategies that don't work as adults (maybe it did when we were kids) when we get into fight/flight modes. These strategies are
1. Need to be right
2. controlling the other
3. unbridled self expression (anger?)
4. Retaliation
5. Withdraw
One's losing strategy may trigger the other's losing strategy, which may trigger a different losing strategy and so on. Find the trigger, be aware of it when it happens, and make a conscious intent ahead of time to resolve that trigger with a predetermined call/response routine. This is the way to break the cycle.
CNI - chronic negative image? Basically the worst fantasy of the other person. Often times when one engages a losing strategy or becomes triggered in that fight or flight mode, one is shadow boxing with that worst fantasy rather than the person in front of them. This fantasy does not exist. The best way to get rid of it is to really engage with the other person, get to know them with curiosity, and be aware of all their ever-changing complexities so there is no room or pressure to distill them into a caricature/fantasy.
Winning strategies. There's also 5 winning strategies in this book but I prefer the Non-Violent Communication approach better. Also the book "Say What You Mean" by Oren Jay Sofer dives into this with the depth and clarity that it deserves.
Key take aways for me:
Failing strategies - we often resort to strategies that don't work as adults (maybe it did when we were kids) when we get into fight/flight modes. These strategies are
1. Need to be right
2. controlling the other
3. unbridled self expression (anger?)
4. Retaliation
5. Withdraw
One's losing strategy may trigger the other's losing strategy, which may trigger a different losing strategy and so on. Find the trigger, be aware of it when it happens, and make a conscious intent ahead of time to resolve that trigger with a predetermined call/response routine. This is the way to break the cycle.
CNI - chronic negative image? Basically the worst fantasy of the other person. Often times when one engages a losing strategy or becomes triggered in that fight or flight mode, one is shadow boxing with that worst fantasy rather than the person in front of them. This fantasy does not exist. The best way to get rid of it is to really engage with the other person, get to know them with curiosity, and be aware of all their ever-changing complexities so there is no room or pressure to distill them into a caricature/fantasy.
Winning strategies. There's also 5 winning strategies in this book but I prefer the Non-Violent Communication approach better. Also the book "Say What You Mean" by Oren Jay Sofer dives into this with the depth and clarity that it deserves.
breenmachine's review against another edition
4.0
Great book. Full of good ideas about how to approach problems in relationships (romantic or otherwise). Not only did he explain things well, he gives concrete ways of making changes happen. I especially loved his explanation of boundaries. He does do some massive and outdated generalizations about male vs females in 21st century relationships - but ignoring that - the content is great. The Feedback Wheel and the chart of "one up, one down, boundaryless or not" - two of my favorite sections.
Kindle highlights:
"Here’s the real deal on being right: RULE: OBJECTIVE REALITY HAS NO PLACE IN CLOSE PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS. Objective evidence is fine for solving a crime or for getting the buses to run on time. But, please, don’t try it at home. From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question "Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”"
"Here’s the real deal on retaliation: Almost all perpetrators see themselves as victims."
"The foundation of relationship practice is the insight that, just as people don’t have problems, they are problems, a good relationship isn’t something you have but something you do. And it’s not something you do once or twice in big ways but rather something you keep doing day by day, minute by minute throughout your life. Your partner says something. In the following instant you have choices to make. Your response can be mature or immature, artful or spontaneous, thoughtful or thoughtless. Relationship practice occurs—or doesn’t occur—in that split second before you choose. Will you run your response, or will it run you? Will you be under the miller’s wheel, or will you be the miller?"
"Partners who live behind walls are just boundaryless people who’ve learned to protect themselves crudely. Take down their walls and you get unshielded boundarylessness—which is precisely why they won’t let you do it. People who live behind walls don’t need talk of more openness; they need reassurance that they will still be able to protect themselves as they get healthy, but in more nuanced ways."
"You cannot love yourself or anyone else from either the one-up or the one-down position. Come into the healthy position of same-as, neither above nor below. Become a human among other humans, eyeball-to-eyeball, just as frail as the next person, and just as magnificent."
"Close your eyes or look down at the floor and in your mind’s eye, see the protective part of your boundary grow stronger; feel how it shields you. Let yourself relax within this circle of protection. You don’t have to steel yourself against emotional upset or attack; your boundary will do that for you. All you need to do is remember it and let it do its work. You can afford to be calm, open, and curious. Breathe. Now breathe deep into your sense of shame, the source of your desperation. In your mind’s eye, scoop down and bring yourself back up into same-as, eyeball-to eyeball. Let yourself feel that you’ve come to center. Let yourself have the pleasure of knowing that you can affect your own mental state."
"Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself—and it does take discipline—to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right. You shift from a negative/past focus to a positive/future focus. In simpler terms, remember this phrase: Don’t criticize, ask!"
"The Feedback Wheel A. Ask your partner if he is willing to listen. B. Remember that your motivation is that you love him. C. Take the four steps of the Feedback Wheel. Tell him 1. what you saw/heard about one particular event. 2. what you have made up about it. 3. how you feel about it. 4. what you would like to have happen in the future. D. Let go of the outcome."
Kindle highlights:
"Here’s the real deal on being right: RULE: OBJECTIVE REALITY HAS NO PLACE IN CLOSE PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS. Objective evidence is fine for solving a crime or for getting the buses to run on time. But, please, don’t try it at home. From a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question "Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “Who cares?”"
"Here’s the real deal on retaliation: Almost all perpetrators see themselves as victims."
"The foundation of relationship practice is the insight that, just as people don’t have problems, they are problems, a good relationship isn’t something you have but something you do. And it’s not something you do once or twice in big ways but rather something you keep doing day by day, minute by minute throughout your life. Your partner says something. In the following instant you have choices to make. Your response can be mature or immature, artful or spontaneous, thoughtful or thoughtless. Relationship practice occurs—or doesn’t occur—in that split second before you choose. Will you run your response, or will it run you? Will you be under the miller’s wheel, or will you be the miller?"
"Partners who live behind walls are just boundaryless people who’ve learned to protect themselves crudely. Take down their walls and you get unshielded boundarylessness—which is precisely why they won’t let you do it. People who live behind walls don’t need talk of more openness; they need reassurance that they will still be able to protect themselves as they get healthy, but in more nuanced ways."
"You cannot love yourself or anyone else from either the one-up or the one-down position. Come into the healthy position of same-as, neither above nor below. Become a human among other humans, eyeball-to-eyeball, just as frail as the next person, and just as magnificent."
"Close your eyes or look down at the floor and in your mind’s eye, see the protective part of your boundary grow stronger; feel how it shields you. Let yourself relax within this circle of protection. You don’t have to steel yourself against emotional upset or attack; your boundary will do that for you. All you need to do is remember it and let it do its work. You can afford to be calm, open, and curious. Breathe. Now breathe deep into your sense of shame, the source of your desperation. In your mind’s eye, scoop down and bring yourself back up into same-as, eyeball-to eyeball. Let yourself feel that you’ve come to center. Let yourself have the pleasure of knowing that you can affect your own mental state."
"Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself—and it does take discipline—to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right. You shift from a negative/past focus to a positive/future focus. In simpler terms, remember this phrase: Don’t criticize, ask!"
"The Feedback Wheel A. Ask your partner if he is willing to listen. B. Remember that your motivation is that you love him. C. Take the four steps of the Feedback Wheel. Tell him 1. what you saw/heard about one particular event. 2. what you have made up about it. 3. how you feel about it. 4. what you would like to have happen in the future. D. Let go of the outcome."
leia_lynn's review against another edition
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
2.0
This was too heteronormative for my husband and I, and additionally the way the author described women (primarily by their looks) vs men (primarily by their personality traits) was indicative of an undercurrent of misogyny throughout. There were helpful models and practices in places, however.
lanieh09's review against another edition
funny
hopeful
informative
lighthearted
reflective
medium-paced
3.5
wastelanderone's review against another edition
5.0
I found this book incredibly interesting and thoughtful, as well as being easy to understand! Terrence pulls together a lot of information that's been floating around for a long time and sets it out clearly: when there's something important, it's bold; there's lists and bullet points; when talking about something complex, he sets out an example on what exactly he means using couples he has worked with in the past.
I think everyone could get something out of this book. Even if you're not married, even if you're not in a relationship, the tools and actions in this book will help you in your day to day life. I understand more about myself and my reactions, my role in disagreements and arguments, and how to make myself and my relationships better.
Brilliant.
I think everyone could get something out of this book. Even if you're not married, even if you're not in a relationship, the tools and actions in this book will help you in your day to day life. I understand more about myself and my reactions, my role in disagreements and arguments, and how to make myself and my relationships better.
Brilliant.
sophierayton's review
2.0
There was a lot of good to take out of this book, however, I disagreed with some of the authors points and approaches and was desperate to come to the end so it could be over.
colleenish's review
4.0
This book has a lot of pages that made me say duh and a lot of corny exercises. But when it was good, it was really good. It lays out good principles and formulas for asking for what you want and for dealing with problems. Real does a great job of basically asking, "And how's that working out for you?" This book was a really good reminder that there's no point in being "right" or mysterious when it's hurting your relationship. It takes courage to be vulnerable enough to move past that. Bonus points for talking about gender dynamics without stereotyping.