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698 reviews for:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
Ron McMillan, Kerry Patterson, Al Switzler, Joseph Grenny
3.92 AVERAGE
698 reviews for:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
Ron McMillan, Kerry Patterson, Al Switzler, Joseph Grenny
3.92 AVERAGE
informative
I felt about this book like I do many self help books. It was tiresome to read, contained more examples than it needed, and had some excellent advice.
I think it's worth a read, or at least a skim read. I feel like it's made me more aware of how I react (personally and professionally). I'm definitely hot headed and tend to let my emotions run the show in crucial conversations... But perhaps I'm improving? I rather think so.
I think it's worth a read, or at least a skim read. I feel like it's made me more aware of how I react (personally and professionally). I'm definitely hot headed and tend to let my emotions run the show in crucial conversations... But perhaps I'm improving? I rather think so.
Summary: This book is about not missing out on opportunities. The proposal made is that by messing up important conversations your missing out on outcomes for no good reason than the adrenaline pumping through your veins and some basic skills they hope to teach you.
Things I liked:
Plenty of case studies where they demonstrated how to apply the techniques they're talking about (or sometimes how not to apply them). They claim that the examples are live case studies (they might be but I think they've been cleaned up a bit).
They don't try to pretend they know everything about the topic. Towards the end I remember a section where they point out that they've illustrated a few concepts and given you a 'sample' of techniques you can use. They don't try to pretend they are the 'one source of truth'. I find this refreshing and it makes it easier for me to engage with the material.
They often frame behaviours in terms of 'Worst'/'Good'/'Best' I found myself often in the 'Good' category but not the 'Best'. Once again I found this allowed me to engage with the material and contextualise how I could make use of it.
The subject matter: we all have conversations (potential dialogues) with loved-onces, colleagues and others every day. I found this made the subject matter very compelling.
A 'ten years later' wrap up. The authors reflect on some of their findings 10 years after they first published. Once again I found this refreshingly honest and helped me to dispel the 'halo' often adopted by self-help authors.
Things I thought could have been done better:
I would have appreciated more of a heads up as to the structure of the book in the early chapters. I found myself flicking back to some of the techniques and acronyms as I read only to find a very good summary diagram at the end of the book. Had I known I would have flicked to this instead (maybe one of the downsides of reading the ebook).
Some of the acronyms they used are a bit sketchy. They work well as Backronyms but dont' really help to remember the concepts. EG the 'E' in STATE stands for 'Encourage questioning'. IMHO 'Q' would have been a more appropriate letter in the acroymn but STATQ doesn't roll of the tongue quite so well.
Highlight:
The section on contasting that pointed out techniques for contrasting your views (versus apologizing) I found pretty confronting (but also intriguing). I've been a bit of apologizer in the past. Respectful but forthright is how they put it I think.
Things I liked:
Plenty of case studies where they demonstrated how to apply the techniques they're talking about (or sometimes how not to apply them). They claim that the examples are live case studies (they might be but I think they've been cleaned up a bit).
They don't try to pretend they know everything about the topic. Towards the end I remember a section where they point out that they've illustrated a few concepts and given you a 'sample' of techniques you can use. They don't try to pretend they are the 'one source of truth'. I find this refreshing and it makes it easier for me to engage with the material.
They often frame behaviours in terms of 'Worst'/'Good'/'Best' I found myself often in the 'Good' category but not the 'Best'. Once again I found this allowed me to engage with the material and contextualise how I could make use of it.
The subject matter: we all have conversations (potential dialogues) with loved-onces, colleagues and others every day. I found this made the subject matter very compelling.
A 'ten years later' wrap up. The authors reflect on some of their findings 10 years after they first published. Once again I found this refreshingly honest and helped me to dispel the 'halo' often adopted by self-help authors.
Things I thought could have been done better:
I would have appreciated more of a heads up as to the structure of the book in the early chapters. I found myself flicking back to some of the techniques and acronyms as I read only to find a very good summary diagram at the end of the book. Had I known I would have flicked to this instead (maybe one of the downsides of reading the ebook).
Some of the acronyms they used are a bit sketchy. They work well as Backronyms but dont' really help to remember the concepts. EG the 'E' in STATE stands for 'Encourage questioning'. IMHO 'Q' would have been a more appropriate letter in the acroymn but STATQ doesn't roll of the tongue quite so well.
Highlight:
The section on contasting that pointed out techniques for contrasting your views (versus apologizing) I found pretty confronting (but also intriguing). I've been a bit of apologizer in the past. Respectful but forthright is how they put it I think.
I took the two-day training and skimmed this book. It felt a little dry, good stories, they do their research well...but VitalSmarts shines in their trainings. Well structured and pertinent.
The principles in this book, however, are ESSENTIAL to any person, whatever their role.
The principles in this book, however, are ESSENTIAL to any person, whatever their role.
informative
medium-paced
Informative but poorly written. Wish it was more concise.
medium-paced
Chapter 3. Choose Your Topic.
Quote from Charles Kettering: a problem well stated is a problem half solved.
The more words it takes you to describe the topic, the less prepared you are to talk about it.
Levels of conversation: Content, Pattern, Relationship.
Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging that you’ve done it. Place a verbal bookmark for the other topic.
Chapter 4: Start with Heart
Quote from Ambrose Pearce: speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Work on me first, us second. The best way to work on “us” is to start with “me”.
When emotions rise, stop and ask, “What do I really want?” Don’t get distracted by the emotional first response.
Refuse the fool’s choice. Ask yourself how you can get what you want AND avoid what you don’t want.
Chapter 5: Master My Stories
Between seeing/hearing and feeling, we tell ourselves a story. That story determines how we’ll feel. See/hear — tell a story — feel — act.
When getting emotional, pause. Identify your emotions and the story that caused them. What facts or inputs created that story?
False stories: Victim (It’s not my fault), Villain (It’s all your fault), Helpless (there’s nothing else I can do). Turn victims into actors, villains into humans, turn the helpless into the able.
People exit difficult conversations either through silence or violence. According to the assessment, I favor silence.
Chapter 7: Make it Safe
People don’t get defensive over content (what you’re saying). They get defensive over the perceived intent (what they think you’re saying).
Safety requires Mutual Purpose (shared concerns) and Mutual Respect.
Start with Mutual Purpose. Going into the conversation with purpose the other person shares is effective while starting with only your purpose is selfish.
Creating Mutual Respect: Share your good intent. Apologize when appropriate. Contrast to fix misunderstandings. Create a mutual purpose.
Contrasting to fix misunderstandings: a system of what you don’t believe (to address the misunderstanding) followed by a statement of what you do believe (the purpose of the conversation)
Chapter 8: State my path
How to speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? Confidence, Humility, Skill
Start with facts. You arrived at 8:20, not you’re always late, or you can’t be trusted.
Humble questions to expand the pool of meaning: How do you see it? What’s your perspective? Can you help me understand?
Invite opposing views, and mean it.
Chapter 9: Explore others’ paths
“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears. By listening to them” - Dean Rusk
If someone says something that doesn’t seem to make sense, ask yourself why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would say that?
Chapter 10: Retake your own
When getting hard feedback:
- Collect yourself. Take a breath. Name your emotions.
- Understand. Be curious.
- Recover. Take a break if needed.
- Engage. Look for the truth in the feedback.
Putting it all together
Two key principles:
- Lean to look. Notice when others are out of dialogue and choosing silence or violence.
- Make it safe.
Very introspective. One of the many books I wish I had read a long time ago. I will definitely recommend to others.
informative
reflective
slow-paced
Business oriented, but useful in personal conversations as well.
challenging
informative
reflective
fast-paced
informative
fast-paced