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659 reviews for:
The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved
Esther Perel
4.26 AVERAGE
659 reviews for:
The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved
Esther Perel
4.26 AVERAGE
informative
reflective
medium-paced
adventurous
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
medium-paced
challenging
informative
medium-paced
Such an interesting book!!
Относно моралните измерения на изневярата съществуват колкото хора, толкова и мнения: от абсолютно отвращение, до "нека не се дебнем, че да не вземем да се хванем".
Също толкова много мнения има и относно това какво точно е изневяра: от религиозното виждане, че дори само нечистите помисли са грях, до "ама то беше само секс", да не говорим, че и за това какво точно е "само секс" има разнообразни виждания - питайте Бил "Свирката не е секс" Клинтън.
Тъй като изневярата е основно морален въпрос, а ние хората като цяло имаме склонност не само да заемаме твърди позиции по моралните въпроси, ами и дори да забравяме, че други хора може да имат други виждания за морал и други виждания по тия въпроси, е добре да се разсъждава и да се чете именно по такива теми, които нервират моралното ни чувство и ни карат да се замисляме по-дълбоко и по-добре.
"The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity" е първата книга, която разглежда изневярата цялостно и от всички страни, без да се впуска в морализаторстване по една или друга линия. Водена от различните ситуации, в които се оказват нейните клиенти, Ещер Перел преглежда различните виждания на хората относно изневярата, относно това какво е изневяра, различните видове изневяра, различните реакции на хората, тяхната различна мотивация за изневяра, за това да останат с изневерилия партньор или да го напуснат.
Отделено е място дори за подробно и безпристрастно разглеждане на въпроса от гледна точка на третата страна - на любовниците, хората, които имат връзка с обвързани или женени/омъжени партньори. Всяка глава от книгата е подкрепена от примери от терапевтичната практика на авторката.
Независимо дали сте човек, който го гризе съвестта, че изневерява, дали от десет години напразно чакате гаджето най-после да напусне жена си и да се ожени за вас, или току що сте открили, че въпреки взаимната уговорка, че забежките във вашия брак са позволени и за двамата, но само ако си казвате всичко, жена ви тайно се среща с някой друг, The State of Affairs ще ви даде спокойни и умерени съвети и поглед над ситуацията от всички страни.
От които не знам дали ще разберете точно какво трябва да направите, но определено ще ви помогне да го решите.
Също толкова много мнения има и относно това какво точно е изневяра: от религиозното виждане, че дори само нечистите помисли са грях, до "ама то беше само секс", да не говорим, че и за това какво точно е "само секс" има разнообразни виждания - питайте Бил "Свирката не е секс" Клинтън.
Тъй като изневярата е основно морален въпрос, а ние хората като цяло имаме склонност не само да заемаме твърди позиции по моралните въпроси, ами и дори да забравяме, че други хора може да имат други виждания за морал и други виждания по тия въпроси, е добре да се разсъждава и да се чете именно по такива теми, които нервират моралното ни чувство и ни карат да се замисляме по-дълбоко и по-добре.
"The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity" е първата книга, която разглежда изневярата цялостно и от всички страни, без да се впуска в морализаторстване по една или друга линия. Водена от различните ситуации, в които се оказват нейните клиенти, Ещер Перел преглежда различните виждания на хората относно изневярата, относно това какво е изневяра, различните видове изневяра, различните реакции на хората, тяхната различна мотивация за изневяра, за това да останат с изневерилия партньор или да го напуснат.
Отделено е място дори за подробно и безпристрастно разглеждане на въпроса от гледна точка на третата страна - на любовниците, хората, които имат връзка с обвързани или женени/омъжени партньори. Всяка глава от книгата е подкрепена от примери от терапевтичната практика на авторката.
Независимо дали сте човек, който го гризе съвестта, че изневерява, дали от десет години напразно чакате гаджето най-после да напусне жена си и да се ожени за вас, или току що сте открили, че въпреки взаимната уговорка, че забежките във вашия брак са позволени и за двамата, но само ако си казвате всичко, жена ви тайно се среща с някой друг, The State of Affairs ще ви даде спокойни и умерени съвети и поглед над ситуацията от всички страни.
От които не знам дали ще разберете точно какво трябва да направите, но определено ще ви помогне да го решите.
informative
reflective
medium-paced
This was an interesting read.
After watching Esther's Ted Talk, and seeing her on a recent episode of Red Table Talk, I was curious about what more she had to say on the topic of love, relationships, fidelity, and the dreaded infidelity.
This book was an eye-opening and voyeuristic journey into the land of love. Those falling into it, those falling out of it, and those betraying that of others. She talks at length about some of the causes for affairs, some of the personal needs (NOT JUST SEX), that lead many to seek companionship outside of their partnerships, and the ways that affairs can change the trajectory of a stale relationship or become the birthplace of a new normal.
Esther's goal here is not to speak for or against, but to broaden our consciousness as a culture regarding the many ways that people experience relationships. She spares none of the dirty and sometimes heartbreaking details of those who have found themselves inexplicably on the outside of their own marriages and partnerships, and also gives a compassionate introspective view into the lives of those who willingly and unwittingly were secret lovers themselves.
One such story, of a daughter who retold her mother's decades-long love affair with a married society man, was especially poignant. She talked about how when her mother passed away, this man, who'd been her partner of sorts for years, attended her funeral in secret, and depended on this daughter for a place to share his forbidden grief. She also recounted how years later, she was the stranger at his funeral, hearing how much his family thought of him, while never knowing who he fully, truly was. Esther takes time to explore all angles of this story, the mother - who loved finding love after enduring painful past marriages of her own, the partner - who doted on her and relished their secret love nest, the wife - who had long lost interest in a sexual relationship with her husband, but valued their legacy, and the daughter - who had never asked to become secret keeper, and her questions about how this romance/affair valued or devalued her mother or how she felt about being complicit in the betrayal of a stranger.
So. Many. Feelings.
When my grandmother passed away 20 years ago, my family experienced a shock when suddenly my grandfather's decades-long mistress appeared and felt it her right to take her place. At the time, 17 year old me was not at ALL able to rectify this scenario in my head, and it has taken years to find forgiveness, peace, or even just acceptance with it all. The concept that for someone else's "happiness", another human could basically be deemed valueless. That whatever the original love was, no longer mattered.
Affairs, and their aftermath, change people. They create divots and and fractures that families sometimes never recover from.
But sometimes they do. Sometimes they thrive. Sometimes they redefine what fidelity and monogamy is.
This book explores traditional marriage and partnership, domestic partnerships, polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. While everyone is not going to agree with all that is presented, it is still a thrilling and at times mind-blowing read. Bonus for audiobook listeners: Esther includes snippets from her podcast "Where Should We Begin" which features actual therapy sessions with couples trying to navigate through the aftermath of infidelity.
After watching Esther's Ted Talk, and seeing her on a recent episode of Red Table Talk, I was curious about what more she had to say on the topic of love, relationships, fidelity, and the dreaded infidelity.
This book was an eye-opening and voyeuristic journey into the land of love. Those falling into it, those falling out of it, and those betraying that of others. She talks at length about some of the causes for affairs, some of the personal needs (NOT JUST SEX), that lead many to seek companionship outside of their partnerships, and the ways that affairs can change the trajectory of a stale relationship or become the birthplace of a new normal.
Esther's goal here is not to speak for or against, but to broaden our consciousness as a culture regarding the many ways that people experience relationships. She spares none of the dirty and sometimes heartbreaking details of those who have found themselves inexplicably on the outside of their own marriages and partnerships, and also gives a compassionate introspective view into the lives of those who willingly and unwittingly were secret lovers themselves.
One such story, of a daughter who retold her mother's decades-long love affair with a married society man, was especially poignant. She talked about how when her mother passed away, this man, who'd been her partner of sorts for years, attended her funeral in secret, and depended on this daughter for a place to share his forbidden grief. She also recounted how years later, she was the stranger at his funeral, hearing how much his family thought of him, while never knowing who he fully, truly was. Esther takes time to explore all angles of this story, the mother - who loved finding love after enduring painful past marriages of her own, the partner - who doted on her and relished their secret love nest, the wife - who had long lost interest in a sexual relationship with her husband, but valued their legacy, and the daughter - who had never asked to become secret keeper, and her questions about how this romance/affair valued or devalued her mother or how she felt about being complicit in the betrayal of a stranger.
So. Many. Feelings.
When my grandmother passed away 20 years ago, my family experienced a shock when suddenly my grandfather's decades-long mistress appeared and felt it her right to take her place. At the time, 17 year old me was not at ALL able to rectify this scenario in my head, and it has taken years to find forgiveness, peace, or even just acceptance with it all. The concept that for someone else's "happiness", another human could basically be deemed valueless. That whatever the original love was, no longer mattered.
Affairs, and their aftermath, change people. They create divots and and fractures that families sometimes never recover from.
But sometimes they do. Sometimes they thrive. Sometimes they redefine what fidelity and monogamy is.
This book explores traditional marriage and partnership, domestic partnerships, polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. While everyone is not going to agree with all that is presented, it is still a thrilling and at times mind-blowing read. Bonus for audiobook listeners: Esther includes snippets from her podcast "Where Should We Begin" which features actual therapy sessions with couples trying to navigate through the aftermath of infidelity.
Useful resource for counselors and therapists. Brilliant and thought-provoking writing that seeks to dissect rather than dichotomize. The case studies are equal parts fascinating, infuriating and humanizing.
Great sociological look at what causes affairs, and how to avoid them. Relationship or sociology nerds would love this.
A thought-provoking psychotherapy examination of what triggers infidelity, how relationships can prevent it and what we can learn from those who have gone through it. Don't go into this expecting hard numbers and researched facts. Very little academic research is done on the subject of infidelity so the author, a renowned couples therapist who specializes in infidelity leans on her decades of experience and expertise. She shares anecdotes, direct quotes, and lessons learned from hundreds of her clients. Having worked with thousands of couples through the healing process after an affair or some other rule-breaking extramarital situation, she shares insights about how the most resilient relationships deal with heartache and loss.
While this book focuses primarily on commitment issues in couples (relationships made up of 2 monogamous people), it does delve into plural sex, love, and marriage situations too, including swingers, poly families, and open marriages. These chapters were, to me, the most interesting, as I think there's a lot to be learned from consensual non-monogamy.
When I was telling Justin about how interesting I found this whole read, he asked what I had learned. I can't say that I learned anything specific; like I said, this wasn't a facts-and-figures type of book. What this did, instead of stuffing my brain with knowledge, was fill my head with questions. Tough questions that I think are important for anyone in a long-term committed relationship should ask themselves and their partners about their beliefs on sex and love, and their monogamy philosophy. A lot of 'what ifs' and 'what would I do in this scenario' thoughts would make me pause the audio book so I could ponder the information more deeply without missing the next section.
A lot of couples could probably save themselves a lot of confusion, anger, and tears if they went to couples counseling, but they could also save a bunch of money if they just read this book and work through the thought exercises and have some deep, challenging conversations based on the stories presented. :)
While this book focuses primarily on commitment issues in couples (relationships made up of 2 monogamous people), it does delve into plural sex, love, and marriage situations too, including swingers, poly families, and open marriages. These chapters were, to me, the most interesting, as I think there's a lot to be learned from consensual non-monogamy.
When I was telling Justin about how interesting I found this whole read, he asked what I had learned. I can't say that I learned anything specific; like I said, this wasn't a facts-and-figures type of book. What this did, instead of stuffing my brain with knowledge, was fill my head with questions. Tough questions that I think are important for anyone in a long-term committed relationship should ask themselves and their partners about their beliefs on sex and love, and their monogamy philosophy. A lot of 'what ifs' and 'what would I do in this scenario' thoughts would make me pause the audio book so I could ponder the information more deeply without missing the next section.
A lot of couples could probably save themselves a lot of confusion, anger, and tears if they went to couples counseling, but they could also save a bunch of money if they just read this book and work through the thought exercises and have some deep, challenging conversations based on the stories presented. :)
emotional
informative
reflective
medium-paced