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124 reviews for:
1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting
Thomas W. Phelan
3.7 AVERAGE
124 reviews for:
1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting
Thomas W. Phelan
3.7 AVERAGE
My wife and I have been using this discipline method on our son and it has been working out wonderfully for the most part. We find that managing our toddler is easier than if we were just winging it and we tend to enjoy him more. We are still far from perfect though and we are slowly and steadily figuring out what works best, but we are glad that we have started using this method. I highly recommend the method and the book for anyone who is parenting or who wants to be a parent someday.
Easy read. I thought the principles were actionable and easily adaptable.
If I had not read Raising A Secure Child, I think this book would have left me feeling pretty conflicted and hopeless. 123 Magic is simple and effective, yet it doesn’t do a good enough job of differentiating between “obnoxious child behavior,” and deeply felt big emotions that children cannot yet cope with. Why send a child to their room for a meltdown when they are deeply disappointed and don’t know how to handle that disappointment? Just because they got to 3 and still were throwing a fit? Definitely not! But I know that because of other parenting books, not this one.
I will say though, this has helped eliminate many “obnoxious child behaviors” from my life in a simple way without lectures or yelling! I can finally do a workout without being climbed all over. I also can identify my children’s individual manipulation techniques and can better recognize when they’re trying to work me over. This book was very helpful, but I did find it lacking.
I will say though, this has helped eliminate many “obnoxious child behaviors” from my life in a simple way without lectures or yelling! I can finally do a workout without being climbed all over. I also can identify my children’s individual manipulation techniques and can better recognize when they’re trying to work me over. This book was very helpful, but I did find it lacking.
This suffers from the typical parenting book flaw of being far too long for what it actually is. And it is only 220 pages, so that's saying something.
This book has two parts. The first part is how to get you kids to stop doing obnoxious things. The advice is "counting". When they start doing it say "That's one". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's two". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's three. Go to your room for a timeout."
That's it. For 100 pages. It is, frankly, a ridiculous amount of pointless repetition and elaboration. What if they're arguing? Count. What if they're yelling? Count. What if they do it at a supermarket? Doesn't matter, count. You get the idea.
Wrapped around this is the idea that your discipline should be cold and dispassionate. These are the rules. You're not arguing. You're not explaining. You're not yelling or wheedling or begging. You're just counting calmly, giving them a chance to realise the error of their ways, and then following up with clear, systematic, and appropriate punishment.
I mean, for what it is, this honestly seems like a pretty good technique to know about, despite the extremely long-winded presentation.
I do have some pretty major reservations, though. The way they suggest applying it feels pretty....cavalier and unfair, I guess? They give an example: you walk into the living room and see your kid jumping on the couch. They've never done this before, so there isn't exactly some standing rule of "no jumping on the couch". What should you do? Just out of nowhere start counting, "That's one." If they stop, confused, and ask "What did I do?" then you can explain.
But the bigger problem is...the book feels super focused on this kind of controlling behaviour via swift and certain punishment. No doubt there are times, and families, where that is necessary. But it feels like it should be one technique among many. One chapter is a bigger book.
Sure, there's the second half of the book which is about how to get your kids to start doing good things (homework, getting ready in the morning, going to bed, etc). We get seven techniques with roughly the same amount of space given to them as the single technique for stopping obnoxious behaviour.
And it is hard not to be a bit underwhelmed by the seven techniques. #1) Give praise. Okay, sometimes the obvious thing isn't obvious. I get that. Still.....
Or #3) the docking system. "If you don't do X, then you'll lose Y." If you don't finish your homework then you lose your PlayStation for a week. If you forget to walk the dog, you lose $1 from your allowance.
Again, just...did you need a book to tell to try this? And also, back to a certain kind of punishment and reward structure. Overall the book feels like doesn't put enough focus on how to build a good relationship and good habits. That focus might be appropriate if you're already in crisis mode and just want to solve problems. But it means this probably shouldn't be your first or only book on parental discipline.
So...overall fairly underwhelmed and slightly negative. The book does have some good ideas, especially in the later section. How to get a kid to eat their vegetables? Try small portions and kitchen timer, or the 3-out-of-4 rule, or the divide-and-conquer routine. I like these grab bags of various ideas to try. It is a fairly stark contrast from the "just do counting" advice of the first half of the book, though.
This book has two parts. The first part is how to get you kids to stop doing obnoxious things. The advice is "counting". When they start doing it say "That's one". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's two". If they keep doing it, then 5 seconds later say "That's three. Go to your room for a timeout."
That's it. For 100 pages. It is, frankly, a ridiculous amount of pointless repetition and elaboration. What if they're arguing? Count. What if they're yelling? Count. What if they do it at a supermarket? Doesn't matter, count. You get the idea.
Wrapped around this is the idea that your discipline should be cold and dispassionate. These are the rules. You're not arguing. You're not explaining. You're not yelling or wheedling or begging. You're just counting calmly, giving them a chance to realise the error of their ways, and then following up with clear, systematic, and appropriate punishment.
I mean, for what it is, this honestly seems like a pretty good technique to know about, despite the extremely long-winded presentation.
I do have some pretty major reservations, though. The way they suggest applying it feels pretty....cavalier and unfair, I guess? They give an example: you walk into the living room and see your kid jumping on the couch. They've never done this before, so there isn't exactly some standing rule of "no jumping on the couch". What should you do? Just out of nowhere start counting, "That's one." If they stop, confused, and ask "What did I do?" then you can explain.
But the bigger problem is...the book feels super focused on this kind of controlling behaviour via swift and certain punishment. No doubt there are times, and families, where that is necessary. But it feels like it should be one technique among many. One chapter is a bigger book.
Sure, there's the second half of the book which is about how to get your kids to start doing good things (homework, getting ready in the morning, going to bed, etc). We get seven techniques with roughly the same amount of space given to them as the single technique for stopping obnoxious behaviour.
And it is hard not to be a bit underwhelmed by the seven techniques. #1) Give praise. Okay, sometimes the obvious thing isn't obvious. I get that. Still.....
Or #3) the docking system. "If you don't do X, then you'll lose Y." If you don't finish your homework then you lose your PlayStation for a week. If you forget to walk the dog, you lose $1 from your allowance.
Again, just...did you need a book to tell to try this? And also, back to a certain kind of punishment and reward structure. Overall the book feels like doesn't put enough focus on how to build a good relationship and good habits. That focus might be appropriate if you're already in crisis mode and just want to solve problems. But it means this probably shouldn't be your first or only book on parental discipline.
So...overall fairly underwhelmed and slightly negative. The book does have some good ideas, especially in the later section. How to get a kid to eat their vegetables? Try small portions and kitchen timer, or the 3-out-of-4 rule, or the divide-and-conquer routine. I like these grab bags of various ideas to try. It is a fairly stark contrast from the "just do counting" advice of the first half of the book, though.
Solid, helpful, just not quite as *magical* as the 1-2-3 books for parents of younger kids. :) It's worth a read, though, definitely.
Full disclosure: I didn't quite try the method yet, since my son is only 17 months as I'm writing this. This review is about my feelings after reading the book rather than about the effectiveness of the 1-2-3 method.
I wanted to feel a bit prepared for the years to come. I already knew what kind of mother I didn't want to be (impatient, irrational, confusing, unsupportive...) but that doesn't necessarily guarantee you'll find the strategies to do well. This book helped tremendously. It has a very simple, clear method to apply to obnoxious behaviours--basically, counting--and an arsenal of strategies to encourage your children into positive behaviours (tidying, homework, etc.).
Even though my child is too young at the moment for most of the strategies, I feel that I could already apply the "spirit" of it, especially the idea of not considering my kid a little adult ("don't throw food, it's wasteful!") or turning into an entertainment for him (saying "no" and picking up the food on the floor, in loop).
I really appreciate his strong arguments and advice about keeping calm when disciplining children, which was my main concern. I feel that when you have a plan, you're much less likely to get annoyed at childish behaviours.
Finally, I found it very interested that "stop" behaviour (obnoxious behaviours like fighting) and "start" behaviours (doing his homework) was treated differently. It made complete sense once I read it, but I would probably not have distinguished them on my own. I really loved all the different strategies" that are offered for start behaviour (timer, charting, etc.), because they sound firm but not aggressive.
I'm really glad I came accross this book and really recommend it to other parents.
I wanted to feel a bit prepared for the years to come. I already knew what kind of mother I didn't want to be (impatient, irrational, confusing, unsupportive...) but that doesn't necessarily guarantee you'll find the strategies to do well. This book helped tremendously. It has a very simple, clear method to apply to obnoxious behaviours--basically, counting--and an arsenal of strategies to encourage your children into positive behaviours (tidying, homework, etc.).
Even though my child is too young at the moment for most of the strategies, I feel that I could already apply the "spirit" of it, especially the idea of not considering my kid a little adult ("don't throw food, it's wasteful!") or turning into an entertainment for him (saying "no" and picking up the food on the floor, in loop).
I really appreciate his strong arguments and advice about keeping calm when disciplining children, which was my main concern. I feel that when you have a plan, you're much less likely to get annoyed at childish behaviours.
Finally, I found it very interested that "stop" behaviour (obnoxious behaviours like fighting) and "start" behaviours (doing his homework) was treated differently. It made complete sense once I read it, but I would probably not have distinguished them on my own. I really loved all the different strategies" that are offered for start behaviour (timer, charting, etc.), because they sound firm but not aggressive.
I'm really glad I came accross this book and really recommend it to other parents.
My therapist suggested this book and it's full of really helpful strategies. It sounds so simple and I didn't think it would do anything, but it really works well. I don't totally agree with some parts, because I think that kids can need help working through big feelings, but I still liked the book. I think my biggest take away was that I don't need to argue and negotiate about everything. I am making things more complicated and amping up myself and the kids.
Read this one because my child’s therapist suggested we use this method. While we are big fans of (and use) the Big Little Feelings approach, we are combining it with this approach to teach boundaries in a way that works for our kids. I am not a huge fan in general of the approach 1-2-3 Magic takes, which is all about not explaining anything and providing swift consequences for “stop doing” behaviors. But it’s also had to parent foster kids who are moving between parenting styles in multiple homes and are struggling to understand to boundaries. So far this approach has been working to help us set clear boundaries with an economy of words, neutral emotions, and consistent consequences/redirection.