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steamyshortwing's review against another edition
1.0
I'm on the spectrum and had high hopes for this book. This book pigeon holed women on the spectrum (it uses Asperger's as kind of a catch all term, which I don't mind) and attempts to deflect criticism by using words like "Maybe" instead of actually approaching the subject in the nuanced multi faceted way it deserves.
There's a short section in the beginning giving advice to a prospective partner of an aspergirl (the short hand the book uses) and it's extremely infantilizing.
Stating that the prospective partner must tell the aspergirl when and where they're going (which sounds like common decency for a first or even third date).
To check the weather and inform the aspergirl of it.
And to make sure to pick a restaurant that doesn't have a lot of choices, saying a Chinese restaurant with a lot of choices is a bad idea for an aspergirl.
Lots of women on the spectrum manage with the weather and choices at a restaurant just fine. It's not necessarily a good thing to assist a woman on the spectrum (or any woman really) with these things. It's operating under an assumption that she can't manage these things on her own, or that she'd appreciate assistance with these things. Which again, is a broad generalization and may in fact backfire.
The book later makes a broad generalization that women on the spectrum don't like makeup or designer bags or maintaining a more "feminine" appearance. This leads into the stereotype that you can "look" autistic. The book could have easily made its next point, which was about how being with an aspergirl comes with it's own unique challenges, without the subtle dig at women who enjoy looking a certain way and buying certain things.
Autistic people deal with enough of that, there is no reason to enable the perpetration of putting other women down to uplift another group of women.
The book suggests the partner basically be a free therapist for the aspergirl. That is no one's responsibility and definitely not a task a partner should put upon themselves because a book said so.
The book suggests multiple manipulation tactics under the guise of helping. To engage in ways that supposedly helps the aspergirl see the error of her ways while not being upfront with her about what behavior the partner is trying to change.
The book assumes and generalizes faults of partners and women on the spectrum. Uses stereotypes to make its points, and uses words like "Maybe" without providing nuance to justify shielding criticism by hedging it's bets.
There's a short section in the beginning giving advice to a prospective partner of an aspergirl (the short hand the book uses) and it's extremely infantilizing.
Stating that the prospective partner must tell the aspergirl when and where they're going (which sounds like common decency for a first or even third date).
To check the weather and inform the aspergirl of it.
And to make sure to pick a restaurant that doesn't have a lot of choices, saying a Chinese restaurant with a lot of choices is a bad idea for an aspergirl.
Lots of women on the spectrum manage with the weather and choices at a restaurant just fine. It's not necessarily a good thing to assist a woman on the spectrum (or any woman really) with these things. It's operating under an assumption that she can't manage these things on her own, or that she'd appreciate assistance with these things. Which again, is a broad generalization and may in fact backfire.
The book later makes a broad generalization that women on the spectrum don't like makeup or designer bags or maintaining a more "feminine" appearance. This leads into the stereotype that you can "look" autistic. The book could have easily made its next point, which was about how being with an aspergirl comes with it's own unique challenges, without the subtle dig at women who enjoy looking a certain way and buying certain things.
Autistic people deal with enough of that, there is no reason to enable the perpetration of putting other women down to uplift another group of women.
The book suggests the partner basically be a free therapist for the aspergirl. That is no one's responsibility and definitely not a task a partner should put upon themselves because a book said so.
The book suggests multiple manipulation tactics under the guise of helping. To engage in ways that supposedly helps the aspergirl see the error of her ways while not being upfront with her about what behavior the partner is trying to change.
The book assumes and generalizes faults of partners and women on the spectrum. Uses stereotypes to make its points, and uses words like "Maybe" without providing nuance to justify shielding criticism by hedging it's bets.
bengresik's review against another edition
2.0
While a lot of the info in the book was helpful, I found that the author's approach left me questioning how much of the information I could trust. I would probably recommend a different book for partners wanting to know more about Aspergers.
quartersooner's review against another edition
2.0
Disclaimer: As a lesbian on the spectrum, I got this book to show to my neurotypical partner.
There's a couple of points that I highlighted to show my partner but most of the book isn't too helpful. This is ultimately a very loose and short book of notes about one straight woman's relationship.
There's quite a few assumptions in this book too which are incredibly irksome, like this...
"Part of the role of the NT in this relationship is to be the social buffer and translator. If you think that is unfair, understand that there will be things she is good at (like math or getting rid of a computer virus), that you are not, and this is what couples do for one another. Lesbian couples will have less of a problem with this, but it is just a little outside the expected that the man should be the socially adept one, the one with the higher emotional IQ."
Ah, the old "lesbians are men" stereotype! I honestly rolled my eyes so hard, I nearly had to go to A&E.
(I cringed every time "your girl/your Aspergirl" was used like this is some kind of animal care book. It felt kinda infantilising.)
This book may be useful for some and that's cool, and as I said before, there's a few good observations.
There's a couple of points that I highlighted to show my partner but most of the book isn't too helpful. This is ultimately a very loose and short book of notes about one straight woman's relationship.
There's quite a few assumptions in this book too which are incredibly irksome, like this...
"Part of the role of the NT in this relationship is to be the social buffer and translator. If you think that is unfair, understand that there will be things she is good at (like math or getting rid of a computer virus), that you are not, and this is what couples do for one another. Lesbian couples will have less of a problem with this, but it is just a little outside the expected that the man should be the socially adept one, the one with the higher emotional IQ."
Ah, the old "lesbians are men" stereotype! I honestly rolled my eyes so hard, I nearly had to go to A&E.
(I cringed every time "your girl/your Aspergirl" was used like this is some kind of animal care book. It felt kinda infantilising.)
This book may be useful for some and that's cool, and as I said before, there's a few good observations.
librariann's review against another edition
4.0
I'm still in my post-HH self-investigation on women on the spectrum. I'm finding it very enlightening.
When I was in 6th grade, I wrote "Normal is Boring" on a shirt in glittery puffy paint, and wore it all the time. Reading these books, I understand it's a spectrum for a reason, and I think there are as many elements that are spot on as there are that don't fit. But with three decades under my belt of identifying myself (and being identified by others) as a person with mental illness, I find the mental shift of the umbrella from "functional adult who copes with bouts of mental illness" to "my brain works this way because I'm just a little bit on the Spectrum" to be almost empowering. Elements of my life that seemed disconnected just click when viewed through this lens.
Re: the topic of this book in particular - I am also fortunate that I have a partner that has always known and understood me (even without a diagnosis), and so this book is less of a helpful guide for him than a "well, yeah, of course."
If this were on my Kindle, these would have been my highlights:
"Aspie bluntness is famous, or infamous, depending on who you ask. Why do we do it? To be cruel? Absolutely not. We like to relay information and we like to do it honestly and without games or subtext."
"For someone who doesn't like to be bombarded with talk, your Aspergirl may pelt you with tidbits about her day from the moment you walk in the door until she runs out of breath 15 minutes later. It may seem to the untrained eye, that is is one self-centered chick. That's not what it is, well not entirely. This is what's known in Aspergers as monologuing...these percolating thoughts come flying out of her and at you like knives from a carnival performer's hand."
"I get asked all the time how I can get up in front of hundreds of people and speak. Are you kidding me? I'm monologuing. I have a huge captive audience and I'm getting paid for it. ... But the best part is, and this is important, I'm imparting information to people. Your girl, even when she seems to have her own special interest at heart, is usually looking to impart information with the aim of somehow improving a situation or helping other people."
"Aspies tend to have one good friend at a time and don't understand how NTs manage to have so many and have a life. ... Even if she's got a thousand online friends, chances are in her real-world leisure time, she is a lone wolf. ... Why on earth would she want to go to the movies with people? ... Why would she want to go shopping with other girls?"
"Some AS women say that when they are away from their partner, they lose that "sense of connection" that is a crucial part of our obsessions. We we take an interest in something, we like to have it around."
"If you really feel that she spends too much time alone, try to get her out and into the community, or encourage her to find others she connects with. It may be that she goes to a class, and learns to dance, but never makes any friends, but there's always the possibility that she will. ... Thank heavens for online social networks, which give her a chance to express herself in writing, without the confusing parts - eye contact, reciprocal conversation."
"Self-advocacy, especially face to face, is very difficult for us. We might write like Shakespeare, but we're just plain shaky when speaking up for our selves. She probably gets tongue-tied, angry, or cries. Thank God for typing! Real-time self-defense is not our forte."
"Some of us do love going out to work, and do so happily and successfully, partly because it is some sort of a social life, in a controlled environment where everyone has a role."
"I love getting older. I feel more comfortable in my skin, I've acquired some social skills, am less afraid of people, and actually do enjoy their company from time to time."
When I was in 6th grade, I wrote "Normal is Boring" on a shirt in glittery puffy paint, and wore it all the time. Reading these books, I understand it's a spectrum for a reason, and I think there are as many elements that are spot on as there are that don't fit. But with three decades under my belt of identifying myself (and being identified by others) as a person with mental illness, I find the mental shift of the umbrella from "functional adult who copes with bouts of mental illness" to "my brain works this way because I'm just a little bit on the Spectrum" to be almost empowering. Elements of my life that seemed disconnected just click when viewed through this lens.
Re: the topic of this book in particular - I am also fortunate that I have a partner that has always known and understood me (even without a diagnosis), and so this book is less of a helpful guide for him than a "well, yeah, of course."
If this were on my Kindle, these would have been my highlights:
"Aspie bluntness is famous, or infamous, depending on who you ask. Why do we do it? To be cruel? Absolutely not. We like to relay information and we like to do it honestly and without games or subtext."
"For someone who doesn't like to be bombarded with talk, your Aspergirl may pelt you with tidbits about her day from the moment you walk in the door until she runs out of breath 15 minutes later. It may seem to the untrained eye, that is is one self-centered chick. That's not what it is, well not entirely. This is what's known in Aspergers as monologuing...these percolating thoughts come flying out of her and at you like knives from a carnival performer's hand."
"I get asked all the time how I can get up in front of hundreds of people and speak. Are you kidding me? I'm monologuing. I have a huge captive audience and I'm getting paid for it. ... But the best part is, and this is important, I'm imparting information to people. Your girl, even when she seems to have her own special interest at heart, is usually looking to impart information with the aim of somehow improving a situation or helping other people."
"Aspies tend to have one good friend at a time and don't understand how NTs manage to have so many and have a life. ... Even if she's got a thousand online friends, chances are in her real-world leisure time, she is a lone wolf. ... Why on earth would she want to go to the movies with people? ... Why would she want to go shopping with other girls?"
"Some AS women say that when they are away from their partner, they lose that "sense of connection" that is a crucial part of our obsessions. We we take an interest in something, we like to have it around."
"If you really feel that she spends too much time alone, try to get her out and into the community, or encourage her to find others she connects with. It may be that she goes to a class, and learns to dance, but never makes any friends, but there's always the possibility that she will. ... Thank heavens for online social networks, which give her a chance to express herself in writing, without the confusing parts - eye contact, reciprocal conversation."
"Self-advocacy, especially face to face, is very difficult for us. We might write like Shakespeare, but we're just plain shaky when speaking up for our selves. She probably gets tongue-tied, angry, or cries. Thank God for typing! Real-time self-defense is not our forte."
"Some of us do love going out to work, and do so happily and successfully, partly because it is some sort of a social life, in a controlled environment where everyone has a role."
"I love getting older. I feel more comfortable in my skin, I've acquired some social skills, am less afraid of people, and actually do enjoy their company from time to time."
thepurplebookwyrm's review against another edition
informative
lighthearted
fast-paced
3.75
This book does a pretty good job of covering a series of traits, behavioural and cognitive peculiarities one often finds in women with autism (of the formerly named Asperger's Syndrome variety specifically, hence the title). I could relate to a lot of the things mentioned in the book and, moreover, appreciated the fact the author brought up things that are relevant to my lived experience, but which I haven't seen talked about as much in other places.
The advice provided in the book tends towards the conciliatory: communication, compromise and loving patience are strongly promoted. This is a good thing as far as I'm concerned, but it's also pretty... Obvious advice? And advice which I'm pretty sure applies to all kinds of coupled relationships, really. Thus I preferred the "presentation and explanation of traits" aspect of the book, rather than its more "couples' counselling" one.
Amidst the good, there is also a bit of cringe. By that I mean that the author sometimes relies on gendered assumptions and dynamics a bit too much for my personal liking. Apart from that however, this is a pretty good book overall. I can definitely see its potential usefulness as an introduction to the subject for a prospective neurotypical partner - though on a more personal note I don't really see that kind of relationship ever working out for me.
The advice provided in the book tends towards the conciliatory: communication, compromise and loving patience are strongly promoted. This is a good thing as far as I'm concerned, but it's also pretty... Obvious advice? And advice which I'm pretty sure applies to all kinds of coupled relationships, really. Thus I preferred the "presentation and explanation of traits" aspect of the book, rather than its more "couples' counselling" one.
Amidst the good, there is also a bit of cringe. By that I mean that the author sometimes relies on gendered assumptions and dynamics a bit too much for my personal liking. Apart from that however, this is a pretty good book overall. I can definitely see its potential usefulness as an introduction to the subject for a prospective neurotypical partner - though on a more personal note I don't really see that kind of relationship ever working out for me.